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People who have difficulty saying no

Destiny

A wannabe dog
Joined
Aug 5, 2013
Messages
452
What causes a person to have lots of difficulty saying no? For example, I have always hated social events, and I have never wanted to go to those events, but I always ended up going anyway because I feel too guilty to say no :shrug:

What causes me to have so much difficulty saying no to people? Why can't I say no? What's wrong with me?
 
Joined
Jun 25, 2014
Messages
1,447
MBTI Type
*NF*
Enneagram
852
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Are you a type 9 ?
Type nine is afraid of conflicts, and deeper of abandonment. Of course he is not the only one to have such fears.

What is your subtype ?
I hate social events and clearly dare saying no ! My subtype is not /so/, which makes the thing even easier for me :smile:
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
MBTI Type
yupp
whenever they open they're mouth to ask a question shove something yummy in it. they'll be too busy eating and hopefully it'll be so good they'll forget what they wanted to ask

you're welcome
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,914
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
8w9
What causes a person to have lots of difficulty saying no? For example, I have always hated social events, and I have never wanted to go to those events, but I always ended up going anyway because I feel too guilty to say no :shrug:

What causes me to have so much difficulty saying no to people? Why can't I say no? What's wrong with me?

This is a life skill you must learn, like balancing a checking account or learning how to cook or drive. It's not an option. If you don't learn how, you will eventually be consumed by everyone else and their shit and you'll cease to exist.
 

Destiny

A wannabe dog
Joined
Aug 5, 2013
Messages
452
Are you a type 9 ?
Type nine is afraid of conflicts, and deeper of abandonment. Of course he is not the only one to have such fears.


Not sure what my enneagram is either, I had many people here typing me as enneagram 9, but when I read up about enneagram 9 and enneagram 4, I think enneagram 4 fits me better, I don't identify much with enneagram 9, I actually have a strong need of freedom and self-expression and creativity in my life and my main motivation in life is to achieve as much freedom and self-expression as possible.


What is your subtype ?
I hate social events and clearly dare saying no ! My subtype is not /so/, which makes the thing even easier for me :smile:


Wow, I wish I can be as assertive as you :mlpsparkle:
 
Joined
Jun 25, 2014
Messages
1,447
MBTI Type
*NF*
Enneagram
852
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Not sure what my enneagram is either, I had many people here typing me as enneagram 9, but when I read up about enneagram 9 and enneagram 4, I think enneagram 4 fits me better, I don't identify much with enneagram 9, I actually have a strong need of freedom and self-expression and creativity in my life and my main motivation in life is to achieve as much freedom and self-expression as possible.
Wow, I wish I can be as assertive as you :mlpsparkle:

Really ? My main motivation is exactly the same as you. Self-expression, but not only that, it includes many things.
And it is an endless progress to keep on making...

So tell me now : How can you be free if you don't say no to others ? :shock:

Freedom is respecting your individuality (as well as others). Saying yes when you wanna say the contrary is being dependant of others' needs.

Don't you think ?
 
Joined
Jun 25, 2014
Messages
1,447
MBTI Type
*NF*
Enneagram
852
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
It's not an option. If you don't learn how, you will eventually be consumed by everyone else and their shit and you'll cease to exist.

Totally agree.
You NEED to respect your own NEEDS !
 

Destiny

A wannabe dog
Joined
Aug 5, 2013
Messages
452
Really ? My main motivation is exactly the same as you. Self-expression, but not only that, it includes many things.
And it is an endless progress to keep on making...

So tell me now : How can you be free if you don't say no to others ? :shock:

Freedom is respecting your individuality (as well as others). Saying yes when you wanna say the contrary is being dependant of others' needs.

Don't you think ?


One of my classmates invited me to watch her perform at the end of this month. She jokingly told me that I have to attend or else she will slap me. My gut feeling told me that she values this performance a lot and that she might feel offended if I didn't attend. So I ended up saying yes

When it comes to major life decisions, such as my career decisions and marriage decisions, I also have difficulty saying no to my family.
For example, I've always wanted to be self-employed but my parents kept criticizing me about it, and I ended up giving up on this idea and end up "settling" and end up working for other people.

In terms of marriage, I don't wanna get married, but my mum is pressurizing me to quickly find a boyfriend and then get married. I also have this feeling that I will end up caving in to my mum's pressure and end up getting married someday even though this isn't in my life plans.

I often feel trapped between being myself vs meeting other people's expectations of me, I wish there is a solution for this problem :huh:
 

Galena

Silver and Lead
Joined
Mar 12, 2013
Messages
3,786
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
It may be that you do not trust yourself - somewhere in life, you learned either from family or elsewhere that you do not know best what to do with yourself. So, you go with other people's judgment because you think it's better than your own. Earning your own trust back can be very hard, especially if you lost it through a bad experience where you were wrong about something traumatizing or important, because that can feel like evidence that confirms you are a bad source of information. But you can't be sure that that's true because we aren't static - we are free to process and learn from our experiences and don't have to repeat them. Maybe you have something in your past yet to make reconciliation with that shook your self-trust. But that's just one possibility - I don't presume to know you.

Another reason why some have this trouble is that while they've probably been in situations where going along with others was demoralizing, they haven't yet been in one where being too gentle is dangerous or can at least imperil one's quality of life in more pervasive and long-term ways than they previously knew was possible. This is part of why some people grow rapidly in assertiveness once they move away from home and begin supporting themselves - out there, the risk is so much more physical and serious. When living with a protective family, being able to say no kind of is an option. If someone pushes you over, your guardians will catch you (not that it's right - plenty do step in more than is healthy for their offspring in the long run). When you're looking out for yourself, no, it's not optional anymore. Developing assertiveness with experience is a natural part of growing up - we all go through that, just at different times depending on the nature of where we started. Nothing pushes personal development harder than an awakened survival instinct.
 

Pionart

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 17, 2014
Messages
4,024
MBTI Type
NiFe
I'll say no, but I'm not very assertive when I say it since I don't have a clear idea of what my own opinion is. So, people will then push me to change my verdict and go along with them, but out of principle I just keep saying no.
 

redpilot

New member
Joined
Dec 3, 2013
Messages
43
Can't say no

What causes a person to have lots of difficulty saying no? For example, I have always hated social events, and I have never wanted to go to those events, but I always ended up going anyway because I feel too guilty to say no :shrug:

What causes me to have so much difficulty saying no to people? Why can't I say no? What's wrong with me?

That is also my problem. Everytime someone asks for a favor, I can't say no especially if it's really not that hard to do.
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
MBTI Type
yupp
I usually say yes, because usually it's not anything major. if I have something that conflicts I'll tell them.
 

small.wonder

So she did.
Joined
Feb 8, 2013
Messages
965
Enneagram
4w5
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Happy people can say no, seriously. There's nothing I get more a kick out of than setting my boundaries in stone, saying no according to them, and then having some people pleaser resentfully ask me why I'm not doing xyz. I simply sight their resentment as my reasoning. I refuse to live my life on fumes doing things I don't feel called to do, all to please people.
 
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five sounds

MyPeeSmellsLikeCoffee247
Joined
Jul 17, 2013
Messages
5,393
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
729
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
I have a problem with it sometimes. Was harder for me when I was younger, but I've learned enough lessons that I'm much more able and willing now.

7: afraid of missing out
6-wing: not wanting to seem disloyal
2: wanting to sacrifice for others. No feels selfish.
9: wanting to avoid conflict, go with the flow.
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
MBTI Type
yupp
Happy people say no, seriously. There's nothing I get more a kick out of than setting my boundaries in stone, saying no according to them, and then having some people pleaser resentfully ask me why I'm not doing xyz. I simple sight their resentment as my reasoning. I refuse to live my life on fumes doing things I don't feel called to do, all to please people.

I disagree, I don't have a problem saying no, but I usually say yes because what I'm being asked usually isn't that big of a deal. it's usually on my way or the person gives me gas money (though last time I just asked them to buy me coffee)
 

Bush

cute lil war dog
Joined
Nov 18, 2008
Messages
5,182
Enneagram
3w4
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
Why difficulty? Appeasement. Not wanting to feel like a leech. Guilt.

Others have given more nuanced answers.

But, yes; it a tendency that has to be deliberately balanced with the ability to say 'no.'
 

Lady Lazarus

Permabanned
Joined
Jun 30, 2014
Messages
2,147
MBTI Type
INFJ
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Several factors may play into this. Insecurity, Conflict aversion, a wanting for approval, etc.

Type wise, of course 9's are the most obvious type to pin the yes man label upon(along with 2's) based upon the stereotypical perception of 9's as abhorring and going to great lengths to flee from conflict. However, I could very much see 4's being caught up in a yes cycle, after all they have a line to 2, which could potentially make them very "help-y", social 4's especially. Really, social doms in general as I don't think social lasts (or even social seconds though exceptions may be present in a select few social last/second subtypes, most namely sp 4's who's tendency towards "suffering in silence" could be conducive towards certain aspects of self erasure) would be so much inclined to have trouble with this, especially not in pertinence with the third possible factor mentioned.

As for 9's, I can't see Sx 9's(especially 9w8's) falling into this particular trap being that they usually possess an almost inately stronger connection to 3 than say, social nines who's connection to 3 may actually not so healthily manifest itself in people pleasing behavior. I also couldn't see sp 9's doing this either being that from personal experience(as well as what I've picked up from a few of the comments I've seen from other sp 9's), helping others seems too much a bother and I'd only do so if I felt I would need a favor from the individual at a later time. I find saying no comes too easily, and saying yes to be very hard as I hate going out of my way and discomforting myself for others, generally speaking.


Succinctly put, this is far and away from exclusively being a "9 thing".
 

Hitoshi-San

New member
Joined
Jun 26, 2014
Messages
1,078
MBTI Type
esfp
Enneagram
???
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
It depends on the case. If someone asked me something small, like whether I want ice cream or not (the answer is always yes anyway) I would answer quickly and honestly. If I'm torn, I can have trouble saying no.

My little brother is an INFP too and can be very indesicive. That means you like to avoid conflict and don't like the hurt people's feelings. You really care and are sensitive.
 

Oaky

Travelling mind
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Messages
6,180
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
The response elicits an end, whereas I always find curiosity wishes to know more about the reasonings through the questions they've asked. It's efficiency arises when I hold an alternate focus or when the presumptions detriment security.

#darnlions
 
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