Which social rules do you think don't make sense?

[Siúil a Rúin]

I have a hard time thinking in terms of social rules, but personally tend to play it cautiously so it probably looks like I follow social rules that I'm not entirely aware of in actuality. There is a general principle that really bothers me that is related to keeping things socially 'nice' and 'polite'. There is a way that jerks play with the generalized social requirement to keep things 'nice'. I do notice that and it makes me really angry - hard to describe in the abstract so I'll use an example.

I was at a dance class which I paid for to learn from an instructor. One week an adult student showed up who acted really sassy towards the instructor like a seventh grader. They came to class wearing jeans, were really bad at the flexibility warmups, rolled their eyes, hemmed and hawed and then started constantly correcting the instructor when moves were being demonstrated. It felt really toxic and made the experience very confusing. The instructor would do some moves, the student would interrupt and say, "NO, you said to start THIS way" with an annoyed voice and then exaggerated the movement. The rest of the class were very quiet and polite and all previous classes proceeded normally. I could tell no one felt like they could say anything or challenge this person. I got really pissed off, stared them down at the end and said sternly, "That was VERY distracting". I didn't back down. The instructor even sort of defended the person, but I kept an angry stare and the student stormed out and slammed the door. I'm still very confused about the experience, but I have later found out the student is active in the dance community in this small town, but they aren't particularly skilled in their videos.

I could feel that social normative pressure to stay quiet and polite and let this person be an asshole and I couldn't stand it. The results were bad for me though, but this is what I hate most about socializing. I also get triggered when people cross lines that same way being intrusively flirty with me or my partner in a relationship. No one is allowed to be angry, say anything, do anything. I'm not sure what you call those social rules, but I feel them, they make no sense of me, and I absolutely hate it when people use that vulnerability for everyone to play nice to run rough-shot.

 

[Saturnal Snowqueen]

Saying bless you when someone sneezes. I'm sure you mean well, but I don't want attention drawn to my sickliness. If someone says bless you, I don't feel blessed, I just feel awkward. If it's a friend or something that's fine, but yeah. I feel awkward just saying bless you to someone; half of it's cause I'm shy I think, but also I feel like I'm calling them out on something.

 

[Maou]

I think they all make sense, but many are reminiscent of past times. Culture and language changes, as does their meaning, but not always at the same time.

 

[Lexicon]

Shaking hands. Like, why do I need to touch you, stranger? I don't. We've been verbally introduced. That'more than enough. Hands are gross.

Thank Ceiling Cat we don't do cheek kissing as a greeting where I'm from. That's even worse.

 

[The Cat]

Because if youre close enough to touch hands, youre close enough to kill. Shaking hands reminds us that, even though you're touching another person. It could always be worse.

 

[Schrödinger's Name]

Saying bless you when someone sneezes. I'm sure you mean well, but I don't want attention drawn to my sickliness. If someone says bless you, I don't feel blessed, I just feel awkward. If it's a friend or something that's fine, but yeah. I feel awkward just saying bless you to someone; half of it's cause I'm shy I think, but also I feel like I'm calling them out on something.

This is why I ask my friends what the hell is wrong with them when they sneeze.

Do stranger really say bless you when you sneeze?

I also think that kissing someone on the cheek is less awkward than shaking hands. That's just how I personally feel about it tho, for some reason...

So I can bite them just in case of... Self-defense.

 

[Maou]

Shaking hands. Like, why do I need to touch you, stranger? I don't. We've been verbally introduced. That'more than enough. Hands are gross.

Thank Ceiling Cat we don't do cheek kissing as a greeting where I'm from. That's even worse.

You can gauge several personality traits, culture and upbringing by how well they shake hands. I never found this one useless, as my father taught me how to shake hands firmly, and older generations notice this and will like you more. To them it tells them you had a respectable father, try hard, and are reliable than someone who was never taught how to shake hands.

(A benefit bring raised by the Silent generation, is you can speak boomer)

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

Most of them

 

[Earl Grey]

You can gauge several personality traits, culture and upbringing by how well they shake hands. I never found this one useless, as my father taught me how to shake hands firmly, and older generations notice this and will like you more. To them it tells them you had a respectable father, try hard, and are reliable than someone who was never taught how to shake hands.

(A benefit bring raised by the Silent generation, is you can speak boomer)

I asked a couple of my Asian friends, apparently a polite bow or not gripping someone like you're gonna mug them, all while keeping your distance, is what's commonly polite for various Asian cultures.
Cultures. Man, cultures.

I was raised in a melting pot and subconsciously give firm handshakes to caucasians, but I'm not touchy and prefer the distant gentle bow.
I personally find the 'firm handshake is telling of character' thing as useless and frivolous as the Chinese 'how do you eat your crabs?' measure. I suppose this can double as another contribution of mine to this thread.

 

[Totenkindly]

My school principal's "firm handshake" growing up was so severe that it would leave the imprint of one's class ring on their finger after he let go. Firm is one thing, crushing is another.

Crazy stuff.

 

[Firebird 8118]

My school principal's "firm handshake" growing up was so severe that it would leave the imprint of one's class ring on their finger after he let go. Firm is one thing, crushing is another.

Crazy stuff.

Omg the dreaded crush-shake I hate those too in the workplace... and it's almost always from old white men in power WHYYYYYYY

 

[Totenkindly]

- People asking 'how are you' while it's not even a genuine question. What's the point of asking someone how they are when you don't even care? Why is it seen as being friendly when it's actually such an underhand question? I figured it's even more a thing in America (based on the things I've heard/read), that it's normal to ask that question, that it's 'polite'. It doesn't happen that much in my country but it really bothers me when people ask me this. I'm fine, Suzan. Bye Suzan. No, I am not going to ask you how you are, since I figured that you might not have to time to spill you whole life story while I am just passing by. I sincerely hope that you're doing fine tho. Ok? And I mean when someone who's basically a stranger asks you this question; who the f*ck even are you?? You might want to start with that question.

I remember hating that at college and having the same response because it makes no rational sense.

Eventually I kinda realized it was just a way for someone to show "collective courtesy" -- acknowledging another person as part of the group and expressing vague goodwill... the loose glue holding society together. But hey, that's what the rules of "politeness" are... vague collective glue. It never meant personal curiosity or wanting personal details about another person's life... although sometimes it lets the door open just far enough that it goes in that direction.

- 'Kind regards' at the end of a message. Addressing people with 'Dear Mrs/Ms...' (I now read that it stands for married women?? What even?? How on earth do you even know that they are married? -To make things clear, we don't make that distinguishment in my country. We do use 'Dear miss/sir' though-)

It's kind of a trip to read letters from 100 years ago and see all the formalized ways that even people who knew each other well utilized in their conversation. A lot of that is gone now, and the holdovers feel odd/empty.

- Why is it weird/inappropriate to cry in public?

I guess it is making the private public (see "how are you" above). Plus a weird awkwardness over getting dragged into intense emotional situations if one engages. IOW, display of emotions could be a signifier of a threat of some kind, based on the uneasiness that people experience.

It's different when it's someone you know, maybe because you have better context for it and can also discern what it doesn't mean.

- Why are monogamous relationships still the 'norm' while it's something that got introduced through religion? It's bizarre that it's illegal. I thought the church and the state separated from each other years ago, apparently not.

it's ironic how religious groups in the US still try to claim we've become oversecularized and/or godless, but the reality is that there's a lot of one particular religion already ingrained in a lot of our traditions and assumptions and we're kind of prissy-religious in a lot of ways compared to elsewhere and still have trouble accepting scientific explanations vs religious ones. Church and state really hasn't been separate in some ways. Around the same time we removed mandatory prayer in school (people can pray whenever they want, it just can't be led by the administration and teachers), we added "in god we trust" to our coins and money. Go figure.

Do stranger really say bless you when you sneeze?

I actually usually get at least one stranger in a public place saying that when I sneeze.

What is really annoying is that I have a cough that is just a single cough (not the double cough, or throat-clear first then cough), so routinely I have people telling me "bless you" when all I did was cough, not sneeze.

So why is one of those a "bless you" anyway? I guess the devil isn't tickling my throat, he only tickles my nose.

 

[Schrödinger's Name]

This is weird, I didn't get a quote notification.

Eventually I kinda realized it was just a way for someone to show "collective courtesy" -- acknowledging another person as part of the group and expressing vague goodwill... the loose glue holding society together. But hey, that's what the rules of "politeness" are... vague collective glue. It never meant personal curiosity or wanting personal details about another person's life... although sometimes it lets the door open just far enough that it goes in that direction.

You realized it or has it been proven/researched? It could be true. Maybe it's just a personal thing. It could be interesting to make a survey about this and ask multiple people how they feel about this. Maybe we can then collectively agree to never ask each other this question again. -just kidding, about the last part, I think...-

In some way it's just strange that empty and not so genuine questions are seen as being 'polite'. It's kinda contradicting.

It's kind of a trip to read letters from 100 years ago and see all the formalized ways that even people who knew each other well utilized in their conversation. A lot of that is gone now, and the holdovers feel odd/empty.

I am curious, could you give an example?

it's ironic how religious groups in the US still try to claim we've become oversecularized and/or godless, but the reality is that there's a lot of one particular religion already ingrained in a lot of our traditions and assumptions and we're kind of prissy-religious in a lot of ways compared to elsewhere and still have trouble accepting scientific explanations vs religious ones. Church and state really hasn't been separate in some ways. Around the same time we removed mandatory prayer in school (people can pray whenever they want, it just can't be led by the administration and teachers), we added "in god we trust" to our coins and money. Go figure.

School taught me that America is actually becoming more religious. According to the first Google statistics, 78% of the American population is religious. That's a lot.
Of course it's integrated in our traditions. It's not that long ago that state and church separated and some countries are still strictly religious...

"In god we trust on our coins". Oh Jesus, I completely forgot about that. :') That's actually... I don't even know what to call it. America, 'land of the free', but our money is religious though whether you like it or not. I am glad we don't have that, it would annoy me each time I had to take a look at my money. (Luckily, I pay with card anyway)

I actually usually get at least one stranger in a public place saying that when I sneeze.

What is really annoying is that I have a cough that is just a single cough (not the double cough, or throat-clear first then cough), so routinely I have people telling me "bless you" when all I did was cough, not sneeze.

So why is one of those a "bless you" anyway? I guess the devil isn't tickling my throat, he only tickles my nose.

:'D You should put this text on a shirt.

 

[Lark]

I think most social rules make sense to be honest

 

[Lexicon]

You can gauge several personality traits, culture and upbringing by how well they shake hands. I never found this one useless, as my father taught me how to shake hands firmly, and older generations notice this and will like you more. To them it tells them you had a respectable father, try hard, and are reliable than someone who was never taught how to shake hands.

(A benefit bring raised by the Silent generation, is you can speak boomer)

I see the utility you're describing. I feel like I could still obtain most of that information without having to touch people, though, haha.

 

[The Cat]

 

[Maou]

I see the utility you're describing. I feel like I could still obtain most of that information without having to touch people, though, haha.

Lol but not everyone can, and some people prefer to touch to get a reading. I have found many sensors are very particularly aware of how you dress and conduct yourself. They make presumptions, everyone does. But a good handshake can change their initial assumptions quickly.

 

[The Cat]

Lol but not everyone can, and some people prefer to touch to get a reading. I have found many sensors are very particularly aware of how you dress and conduct yourself. They make presumptions, everyone does. But a good handshake can change their initial assumptions quickly.

True story. some of us also like to spar. It forges a bond of some kind. On some level.

 

[Earl Grey]

How could I have forgotten. That in some cultures, doing things with your left hand, using it at all, is horrendously impolite and the person can look at you like you just stabbed their mother in front of them if you do something with / take something from them with your left hand.

These cultures! One PERFECTLY GOOD LIMB rendered useless!

In some cultures, it's more polite and socially acceptable to talk behind people's backs than in front of them. Bah!

In some cultures, you have to call people by honorifics if they are different ages, immediately creating a power imbalance off the bat.

 

[The Cat]

How could I have forgotten. That in some cultures, doing things with your left hand, using it at all, is horrendously impolite and the person can look at you like you just stabbed their mother in front of them if you do something with / take something from them with your left hand.

These cultures! One PERFECTLY GOOD LIMB rendered useless!

At least they dont stone us as much anymore.