dropping hints vs being direct

[Stansmith]

Surprisingly, I don't think I have much of a problem with this when it comes to communicating with people that I'm close to, although it doesn't really come off as harsh or aggressive. Just a slight nudge in their direction with clearly expressed intentions.

Anyway, this might be a silly question, but can you give an example of what 'dropping hints' would look like? [MENTION=360]prplchknz[/MENTION]

 

[Elfboy]

So say you're at a checkout line and the cashier is an older lady and is taking forever. Would you be honest and direct and say "Hey, can you hurry it up already, granny??"

no, at least not at first. at first I'd simply say "hey, could you hurry it up? there are other people waiting back here".
being direct and assertive does not mean I have to be harsh with an old lady who is probably just oblivious to the fact that she's holding up a line. in all likelihood, she's probably respond "oh! sorry dear!" and move along.
obviously, there are times when more force is necessary, but these times are the minority.

I'm not directing this at you, but I've found a lot of indirect people are such because they are antagonistic and think "if I were direct, I'd just go around insulting people all the time." "the problem is you being an asshole, not you being direct". don't get me wrong, there are who deserve to be insulted or scolded, and, in such an instance, I don't pull my punches, but people who have a bias for ad hominem in casual interaction annoy me.

 

[EJCC]

This is a stretch: But when someone doesn't know you so well--acquaintances, etc.--and would translate "being blunt" as "being an asshole," sometimes it's necessary to package your message in a way that they will actually receive it. Those who know and trust you should have less of a problem with you being direct--or at least they should be.

Yeah, definitely this. If someone needs to hear something but can't take the blunt truth, you have to find a more palatable way to deliver the information. (I usually do that by remaining blunt but being more diplomatic, but that's because I'm pretty much incapable of NOT being direct. Edit: there's also the "Have you considered ___?" trick, but I only know that one because someone taught me)

 

[á´…eparted]

Yeah, definitely this. If someone needs to hear something but can't take the blunt truth, you have to find a more palatable way to deliver the information. (I usually do that by remaining blunt but being more diplomatic, but that's because I'm pretty much incapable of NOT being direct. Edit: there's also the "Have you considered ___?" trick, but I only know that one because someone taught me)

Oh there are a million and one way to be blunt and diplomatic at the same time. Have you considered works really well. What I generally do is try to frame it about the person so it makes it sound like I appreciate who they are, and not making it about them. A common thing I'll do is if I am with people (in public or a large group) and someone is being really disruptive or rude, I won't tell them "stop it, you're being rude", that just makes people knee jerk (unless I'm really close with them and they take well to it). It's often framed as "Woah, take it easy, think about how this might come across to others."

Also, my dad an ESTJ and he frequently tells me that he is unable to be not direct. In his words "I'm as blunt as a mallet". The fact that I am always tactful confounds him, and he tries to get me to stop sometimes cause he sees it as inefficient or rude (the latter is ironic) . He's a 1w9 so we can butt heads on some issues.

 

[prplchknz]

Surprisingly, I don't think I have much of a problem with this when it comes to communicating with people that I'm close to, although it doesn't really come off as harsh or aggressive. Just a slight nudge in their direction with clearly expressed intentions.

Anyway, this might be a silly question, but can you give an example of what 'dropping hints' would look like? [MENTION=360]prplchknz[/MENTION]

I guess let's say one person takes a sandwich not knowing it was this other person's sandwich and the second person is being all huffy and sighing but not telling the person what's going on or even making passive aggressive comments. Instead of being like. Dude you ate my sandwich, it would've been nice if you had asked I probably would have given it to you. And then the first person is like I didn't know and the first person, so you didn't realize the sandwich might of belonged to someone? I asked, you weren't around. And then the first person is like you could have text me, asshole. Just fucking ask asshole

This situation hasn't happened recently and second way is how I'm most likely to respond. Because even though it's still angry no more wondering why the fuck someone's mad at you but won't tell you

 

[Coriolis]

Like what's the advantage to dropping hints? it seems like it would cause more frustration in the long run. People can't read your mind, just say what you need to, and move on, if they don't like it, that's their problem. I'm sorry it just seems like a coward thing to do. maybe there are times when simply dropping hints is a good idea. I can't think of any.

The advantage is that the hint-dropper can then claim to have said or at least meant almost anything, since the hints are typically so vague as to resist an unambiguous interpetation. Yes, this is cowardly, or at best sloppy. I have no patience with it either.

Being direct all the time would make interaction incredibly boring

That depends entirely on the topic. If the topic is interesting, I want to get down to business without beating around the bush. If it isn't interesting, or at least useful, no point dragging it out through indirectness.

So say you're at a checkout line and the cashier is an older lady and is taking forever. Would you be honest and direct and say "Hey, can you hurry it up already, granny??"

That isn't direct, it's rude. I would understand that saying something would probably not cause her to go any faster, if genuinely in a hurry, would look for a shorter line, or ask the customer in front of me if I could go ahead of him/her.

I guess let's say one person takes a sandwich not knowing it was this other person's sandwich and the second person is being all huffy and sighing but not telling the person what's going on or even making passive aggressive comments. Instead of being like. Dude you ate my sandwich, it would've been nice if you had asked I probably would have given it to you

I had this happen a few years ago. Not with a sandwich, but a container of leftovers. I went to the refrigerator at work and couldn't find my container. As I continued to look for it, a coworker came into the break room and started washing what I could see was my container in the sink!. I just told her: I think you ate my lunch. We compared details on the contents enough to confirm what had happened at which point she was mortified. Offered to give me money to buy lunch, etc. which I declined as I always keep "emergency food" in my desk. In the end, the entertainment of it all was almost worth losing my leftovers.

 

[Evo]

I can only drop hints to people that are quick to pick up what I put down.

I like to do it cause its fun, and I also seem to hurt peoples' feelings very easily sometimes. So i figure if I can get the message across more vaguely... then I might avoid saying something they'll take personally.

Also it gets tiresome spelling everything out.

I actually get more annoyed when people can't take a hint. Lol

Also it's a way to see if someone is really interested in what I have to say. If I say something vague, some people will pry for more, others will write me off. In that case....I have just systematically identified who's worth my energy...and who's not. Energy is a huge priority for me.

I will fully admit that it's a selfish way of communicating though

Edit: [MENTION=360]prplchknz[/MENTION] I just read the sandwich example.

In that particular case....if someone ate my sandwich they would fucking know it. I'm really stingy about my food. And also territorial, and passive aggressive.... I would have been very blunt on purpose.

 

[Coriolis]

I like to do it cause its fun, and I also seem to hurt peoples' feelings very easily sometimes. So i figure if I can get the message across more vaguely... then I might avoid saying something they'll take personally.

Also it gets tiresome spelling everything out.

I actually get more annoyed when people can't take a hint. Lol

And I get annoyed when people expect me to take one. It gets tiresome trying to figure out what someone means when they won't just come out and say it. I actually find this kind of pussyfooting around rather disrespectful. People who use it are either trying to be manipulative, or underestimating my ability to handle a direct statement.

 

[johnnyyukon]

if someone ate my sandwich they would fucking know it.

Lol.

My roomie used to steal my peanut butter when I wasn't around. He thought he was being slick, but he used a fork to get it out. Who uses a fork to scoop out peanut butter?? My old stoner roommate, that's who.

I did confront him about it, but I have a confession I've never told any one, I used his hair clippers to "trim the garden" once as they say, haha.

 

[johnnyyukon]

And I get annoyed when people expect me to take one. It gets tiresome trying to figure out what someone means when they won't just come out and say it.

This doesn't apply to you per se, but some people are also just NOT GOOD at picking up hints. I'm an ENTP and I can read people's faces, body language, little ticks, intonations in voice; I pick up hints VERY easily. So therefore I only drop hints to people savvy enough to pick em up, just like Urarienev:

I can only drop hints to people that are quick to pick up what I put down.

With Friends, I'm direct as hell, especially close friends that aren't easily offended. In fact, it's my job to bust their balls directly and I consider it theirs to bust mine.

With women, I ALWAYS try to keep my cards hidden during the courting phase. Play it cool, keep 'em guessing, drop enough hints to let them know i MIGHT be interested but not enough for them to be sure. You don't wanna scare 'em away, they're like frightened squirrels at this phase. If I can sense they're interested in me (women are very good poker players when it comes to the seduction game) THEN I might go for the kill. It might be a kiss if I see the fleeting "kiss-me-now" eyes.

 

[ceecee]

I generally err on the direct side. The reason for this is that indirect can come off as passive aggressive and there isn't much I dislike more than that. However, I made an effort to learn how to be direct while being diplomatic (tactful) and I'm better at it. I'm not great, I never will be, I leave that to my ENFJ but at least most people don't want to punch me in the mouth/start crying anymore. In relationships, you have to be at least a little indirect. This is all part of the scenery and it adds layers of flavor/buildup/intrigue that seems to be enjoyed. In the end, not every situation can be handled delicately or tactfully and you have to be direct, you just need to learn how to know when those times are.

 

[Coriolis]

With women, I ALWAYS try to keep my cards hidden during the courting phase. Play it cool, keep 'em guessing, drop enough hints to let them know i MIGHT be interested but not enough for them to be sure. You don't wanna scare 'em away, they're like frightened squirrels at this phase. If I can sense they're interested in me (women are very good poker players when it comes to the seduction game) THEN I might go for the kill. It might be a kiss if I see the fleeting "kiss-me-now" eyes.

Hopefully you will encounter plenty of women willing to play these games. Fortunately for me, there are also men who don't expect women to play them. I'd rather we spend our energy on other things.

 

[prplchknz]

If I'm interested in a boy, I don't mind going slow or even if we just end up friends either way, doesn't matter to me, but I am very direct. I hate the whole bullshit that comes with indirectness. And if people are sensitive and can't handle directness, that's their fault for being sensitive and clearly that's a deal breaker for me. Also not respecting my requests is another one

 

[xisnotx]

Like what's the advantage to dropping hints? it seems like it would cause more frustration in the long run. People can't read your mind, just say what you need to, and move on, if they don't like it, that's their problem. I'm sorry it just seems like a coward thing to do. maybe there are times when simply dropping hints is a good idea. I can't think of any.

i love dropping hints. usually because i have nothing to say to anyone direct. just making conversation...half the hints i drop, i drop so i can take the hint. what makes you think people are dropping hints for you? some of us drop hints for ourselves...our future selves. haha

 

[prplchknz]

i love dropping hints. usually because i have nothing to say to anyone direct. just making conversation...half the hints i drop, i drop so i can take the hint. what makes you think people are dropping hints for you? some of us drop hints for our selves...our future selves. haha

why would you be passive agressive to your future self? scared he's gonna time travel and beat you up?

 

[xisnotx]

why would you be passive agressive to your future self? scared he's gonna time travel and beat you up?

please, my future self couldn't take me. i'm a 24 year old man. this is my physical peak. i'd kick my ass...

 

[prplchknz]

please, my future self couldn't take me. i'm a 24 year old man. this is my physical peak. i'd kick my ass...

Well then why are you scared?

 

[prplchknz]

please, my future self couldn't take me. i'm a 24 year old man. this is my physical peak. i'd kick my ass...

Well then why are you scared?

 

[xisnotx]

Well then why are you scared?

well, maybe i'm deferring to him. he knows himself better than i do. also, i'm done talking in second person.

 

[prplchknz]

well, maybe i'm deferring to him. he knows himself better than i do. also, i'm done talking in second person.

third person