problems accepting compliments graciously

[Rache]

When I get compliments from someone, sometimes I think things like:
- that's because you don't know me well enough.
- is it because you're trying to be nice?
- Really? I don't think I did that good a job.

I find that these thoughts appear more when the compliment touches on things I've done (that's impressive work/you play the piano well) or perceptions on who I am (you're always so cheerful and good to your friends).

Does this scream low self-esteem to you?
Does anyone feel this way too?
Are my internal standards too high?
How can I improve this?

[Faceless Beauty]

When I get compliments from someone, sometimes I think things like:
- that's because you don't know me well enough.
- is it because you're trying to be nice?
- Really? I don't think I did that good a job.

I find that these thoughts appear more when the compliment touches on things I've done (that's impressive work/you play the piano well) or perceptions on who I am (you're always so cheerful and good to your friends).

Does this scream low self-esteem to you?
Does anyone feel this way too?
Are my internal standards too high?
How can I improve this?

I don't think it always has to do with low self-esteem, but maybe it says a lot more about your attitude towards people.
When people usually compliment me, I have a tendency to think that they are overdoing it. So it comes off as them being really fake and sickeningly sweet, and I have this urge to be away from them for some reason.

I think as long as you are in a comfortable place with yourself, all the other stuff shouldn't matter too much.

[Rache]

I don't think it always has to do with low self-esteem, but maybe it says a lot more about your attitude towards people.

Could it be both? Sometimes I think they are overdoing it, but at the same time I seem to be unable to accept it as "truth". And it might cause a spiral:

Compliment: That's impressive work.
Thoughts: Really? What does impressive mean? I don't think that was my best. I could have done better if I had more time. I feel like a fraud. Maybe she's just being nice about it. What is wrong with me? ARGH STOP THINKING.

And then if I'm really feeling low, it gets into existential questions about who I am, why am I like this, etc etc.

Strangely enough, this doesn't happen when people say things like "you look good today". I'll just put to down to having a good hair day or choosing the right clothes etc.

[Nicki]

I'm the same. I think that a lot of people who are always looking for something positive to say about others (or making stuff up) just do it so they can get off on their own kindness. It makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward.

[Faceless Beauty]

Could it be both? Sometimes I think they are overdoing it, but at the same time I seem to be unable to accept it as "truth". And it might cause a spiral:

Compliment: That's impressive work.
Thoughts: Really? What does impressive mean? I don't think that was my best. I could have done better if I had more time. I feel like a fraud. Maybe she's just being nice about it. What is wrong with me? ARGH STOP THINKING.

And then if I'm really feeling low, it gets into existential questions about who I am, why am I like this, etc etc.

Strangely enough, this doesn't happen when people say things like "you look good today". I'll just put to down to having a good hair day or choosing the right clothes etc.

I guess it has to do with both sometimes. You probably have a degree of doubt in yourself about something if it kind of bothers you when someone else is pointing out how "great" you are at something, even if you are more outwardly self-confident.
@Aleda, I know exactly what you mean. And it bothers me so much, but I can't really explain why.

[Nicki]

@Aleda, I know exactly what you mean. And it bothers me so much, but I can't really explain why.

It's so self-righteous under the pretense of being kind.

[Coriolis]

Does this scream low self-esteem to you?
Does anyone feel this way too?
Are my internal standards too high?
How can I improve this?

I can only give you my perspective. I assess compliments based on their content and their source: is the content accurate (did I really do a good job?), and does the giver know enough themselves to make that assessment? Most of the time, I know already how well or poorly I did, and the compliment thus tells me nothing useful. Occasionally, it disagrees with something I am fairly certain is true about myself, and thus tells me the giver is either misreading the situation, or not genuine in the compliment (or both). Rarely, it gives me a different perspective on myself, especially when the compliments involves an impact I had on someone without realizing it.

My default response to a compliment is simply to say "thank you" and leave it at that. If I suspect the compliment is really an attempt at manipulation, I may confront it directly, with something like "what makes you say that?" or even a direct contradiction. I might also ask for clarification if the compliment seems genuine but inaccurate or misplaced.

In short, the compliments that are the most meaningful to me are those that are specific and accurate enough to serve as useful feedback. Anything else is more for the giver than for me.

[Frosty]

I have a really hard time with this. Usually irl I just get really red and start to stutter and avoid eye contact. On here I just say thank you and turn red and avoid eye contact(a ton easier when there are no eyes only words). Its an emotional thing, it throws me off. But yes. My first thought usually when recieving them is ‘why?’ And the second one is ‘oh gosh please stop im very uncomfortable now’. And then the third one is warmth and gratefulness and smacking myself upside the head for making such a big deal.

I have a really hard time with it. I like them. They make me giddy at the same time as all those other things and Im grateful for them, they can make my whole day, but I am also very uncomfortable with them.

[Lark]

I dont get compliments often, if I do I can accept them as a social nicety and carry on.

I'm not inclined to challenge it in any way and I dont like humble bragging, which compliments received can segway into.

I'm generally more interested in feedback, this is often a mine field too. People can make serious errors about feedback, both positive or negative, and also that it has to be completely comprised of the one or the other or the old shit sandwich idea of good news, bad news, good news again.

[Amberiat]

It could be low self-esteem, it could be that the standards you set for yourself are too high but more serious problems like depression could be behind this as well. Do you feel irritated when people compliment you and/or deny them in a pushy/aggressive manner?

If not, then I would suggest accepting those compliments with a smile even if you don't think you deserve them, if they are genuine people might feel uncomfortable if you repeatedly deny every compliment they make, and that's a pretty sad way to have resentment build up between you and others.