• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

problems accepting compliments graciously

Rache

New member
Joined
Mar 24, 2013
Messages
23
MBTI Type
ISTJ
When I get compliments from someone, sometimes I think things like:
- that's because you don't know me well enough.
- is it because you're trying to be nice?
- Really? I don't think I did that good a job.

I find that these thoughts appear more when the compliment touches on things I've done (that's impressive work/you play the piano well) or perceptions on who I am (you're always so cheerful and good to your friends).

Does this scream low self-esteem to you?
Does anyone feel this way too?
Are my internal standards too high?
How can I improve this?
 

Faceless Beauty

Transient
Joined
Aug 20, 2012
Messages
177
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
9w8
When I get compliments from someone, sometimes I think things like:
- that's because you don't know me well enough.
- is it because you're trying to be nice?
- Really? I don't think I did that good a job.

I find that these thoughts appear more when the compliment touches on things I've done (that's impressive work/you play the piano well) or perceptions on who I am (you're always so cheerful and good to your friends).

Does this scream low self-esteem to you?
Does anyone feel this way too?
Are my internal standards too high?
How can I improve this?

I don't think it always has to do with low self-esteem, but maybe it says a lot more about your attitude towards people.
When people usually compliment me, I have a tendency to think that they are overdoing it. So it comes off as them being really fake and sickeningly sweet, and I have this urge to be away from them for some reason.

I think as long as you are in a comfortable place with yourself, all the other stuff shouldn't matter too much. :)
 

Rache

New member
Joined
Mar 24, 2013
Messages
23
MBTI Type
ISTJ
I don't think it always has to do with low self-esteem, but maybe it says a lot more about your attitude towards people.

Could it be both? Sometimes I think they are overdoing it, but at the same time I seem to be unable to accept it as "truth". And it might cause a spiral:

Compliment: That's impressive work.
Thoughts: Really? What does impressive mean? I don't think that was my best. I could have done better if I had more time. I feel like a fraud. Maybe she's just being nice about it. What is wrong with me? ARGH STOP THINKING.

And then if I'm really feeling low, it gets into existential questions about who I am, why am I like this, etc etc.

Strangely enough, this doesn't happen when people say things like "you look good today". I'll just put to down to having a good hair day or choosing the right clothes etc.
 

Nicki

Retired
Joined
Jun 26, 2010
Messages
1,505
I'm the same. I think that a lot of people who are always looking for something positive to say about others (or making stuff up) just do it so they can get off on their own kindness. It makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward.
 

Faceless Beauty

Transient
Joined
Aug 20, 2012
Messages
177
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
9w8
Could it be both? Sometimes I think they are overdoing it, but at the same time I seem to be unable to accept it as "truth". And it might cause a spiral:

Compliment: That's impressive work.
Thoughts: Really? What does impressive mean? I don't think that was my best. I could have done better if I had more time. I feel like a fraud. Maybe she's just being nice about it. What is wrong with me? ARGH STOP THINKING.

And then if I'm really feeling low, it gets into existential questions about who I am, why am I like this, etc etc.

Strangely enough, this doesn't happen when people say things like "you look good today". I'll just put to down to having a good hair day or choosing the right clothes etc.

I guess it has to do with both sometimes. You probably have a degree of doubt in yourself about something if it kind of bothers you when someone else is pointing out how "great" you are at something, even if you are more outwardly self-confident.
[MENTION=15963]Aleda[/MENTION], I know exactly what you mean. And it bothers me so much, but I can't really explain why.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
Staff member
Joined
Apr 18, 2010
Messages
27,230
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Does this scream low self-esteem to you?
Does anyone feel this way too?
Are my internal standards too high?
How can I improve this?
I can only give you my perspective. I assess compliments based on their content and their source: is the content accurate (did I really do a good job?), and does the giver know enough themselves to make that assessment? Most of the time, I know already how well or poorly I did, and the compliment thus tells me nothing useful. Occasionally, it disagrees with something I am fairly certain is true about myself, and thus tells me the giver is either misreading the situation, or not genuine in the compliment (or both). Rarely, it gives me a different perspective on myself, especially when the compliments involves an impact I had on someone without realizing it.

My default response to a compliment is simply to say "thank you" and leave it at that. If I suspect the compliment is really an attempt at manipulation, I may confront it directly, with something like "what makes you say that?" or even a direct contradiction. I might also ask for clarification if the compliment seems genuine but inaccurate or misplaced.

In short, the compliments that are the most meaningful to me are those that are specific and accurate enough to serve as useful feedback. Anything else is more for the giver than for me.
 

Frosty

Poking the poodle
Joined
Apr 6, 2015
Messages
12,667
Instinctual Variant
sp
I have a really hard time with this. Usually irl I just get really red and start to stutter and avoid eye contact. On here I just say thank you and turn red and avoid eye contact(a ton easier when there are no eyes only words). Its an emotional thing, it throws me off. But yes. My first thought usually when recieving them is ‘why?’ And the second one is ‘oh gosh please stop im very uncomfortable now’. And then the third one is warmth and gratefulness and smacking myself upside the head for making such a big deal.

I have a really hard time with it. I like them. They make me giddy at the same time as all those other things and Im grateful for them, they can make my whole day, but I am also very uncomfortable with them.
 

Lark

Active member
Joined
Jun 21, 2009
Messages
29,569
I dont get compliments often, if I do I can accept them as a social nicety and carry on.

I'm not inclined to challenge it in any way and I dont like humble bragging, which compliments received can segway into.

I'm generally more interested in feedback, this is often a mine field too. People can make serious errors about feedback, both positive or negative, and also that it has to be completely comprised of the one or the other or the old shit sandwich idea of good news, bad news, good news again.
 

Amberiat

Infinity
Joined
Mar 10, 2018
Messages
1,233
It could be low self-esteem, it could be that the standards you set for yourself are too high but more serious problems like depression could be behind this as well. Do you feel irritated when people compliment you and/or deny them in a pushy/aggressive manner?

If not, then I would suggest accepting those compliments with a smile even if you don't think you deserve them, if they are genuine people might feel uncomfortable if you repeatedly deny every compliment they make, and that's a pretty sad way to have resentment build up between you and others.
 

Lark

Active member
Joined
Jun 21, 2009
Messages
29,569
I've got questions as to where the idea that there's an association between the way you respond to compliments and low self-esteem comes from?

I only ask to exclude some sort of confirmation bias or self-fulfilling prophecy at work here, often if someone makes an observation, even a self-observation, and someone else has made connections, or suggested them, then drawing a particular conclusion could be a sign or indicator of suggestibility rather than actual connection made.

Just a further way of looking at it maybe. Adler did say that with analysis anything could be one thing but it could also be another thing too.
 

Sacrophagus

Mastermind Fieldmarshal
Joined
Jul 11, 2017
Messages
1,702
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
854
My answer to compliments in a formal setting:

-We do what we think we have to do.
-State your business.
-Flattery is not going to get you anywhere.
-What do you want?
-Spare me those lines.
-Are you on some kind of medication?



My answer to compliments in a non-formal setting:

-*silence*
-k
-I know.
-I think you should leave.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
Staff member
Joined
Apr 18, 2010
Messages
27,230
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
In a formal or superficial setting, I will usually just say "thank you", and move on.

In a professional setting, I may leverage the content to ask a question, or otherwise advance whatever I am trying to accomplish in the conversation.

Among friends I am just as likely to ask: "what makes you say that"?
 

Betty Blue

Let me count the ways
Joined
Jan 19, 2010
Messages
5,063
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7W6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
When I get compliments from someone, sometimes I think things like:
- that's because you don't know me well enough.
- is it because you're trying to be nice?
- Really? I don't think I did that good a job.

I find that these thoughts appear more when the compliment touches on things I've done (that's impressive work/you play the piano well) or perceptions on who I am (you're always so cheerful and good to your friends).

Does this scream low self-esteem to you?
Does anyone feel this way too?
Are my internal standards too high?
How can I improve this?

Oh gosh I have struggled with this for so many years until the last few. Honestly just take it at face value and say thank you and move on. I used to question people and wonder why they were saying these things if they didn't really know me, or that it was flattery and uncalled for. So to me there was an element of falsity connected to it, or attention that I didn't want.
 

Peter Deadpan

phallus impudicus
Joined
Dec 14, 2016
Messages
8,883
It's taken a lot of conscious effort for me to interrupt my natural desire to respond with a joke that undermines the compliment and just say "thank you". I started doing this after realizing some people are almost hurt by the rejection of compliments they give, and also acknowledged that I deserve a little praise here and there.
 

Z Buck McFate

Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Joined
Aug 25, 2009
Messages
6,048
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
With the disclaimer that I have noticed this op is more than 5 years old:
When I get compliments from someone, sometimes I think things like:
- that's because you don't know me well enough.
- is it because you're trying to be nice?
- Really? I don't think I did that good a job.

I find that these thoughts appear more when the compliment touches on things I've done (that's impressive work/you play the piano well) or perceptions on who I am (you're always so cheerful and good to your friends).

Does this scream low self-esteem to you?
Does anyone feel this way too?
Are my internal standards too high?
How can I improve this?

This is kinda textbook Impostor Syndrome. I struggle with it myself. I've not found any helpful guidelines outside of practicing meditation to deal with the fear of being 'that person' who accepts/internalizes compliments that aren't merited. The prospect of being 'that person' is really loathsome to me.
 

Doctor Cringelord

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2013
Messages
20,567
MBTI Type
I
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
When I get compliments from someone, sometimes I think things like:
- that's because you don't know me well enough.
- is it because you're trying to be nice?
- Really? I don't think I did that good a job.

I find that these thoughts appear more when the compliment touches on things I've done (that's impressive work/you play the piano well) or perceptions on who I am (you're always so cheerful and good to your friends).

Does this scream low self-esteem to you?
Does anyone feel this way too?
Are my internal standards too high?
How can I improve this?

I can relate. I think it may be tied to both low self-esteem and having particularly high standards for one's self. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. Would you rather be someone who does a mediocre job at everything, yet is deluded and thinks they're the best?

I've learned to just say "thanks" when I get a compliment, although my instinct is to question their judgment and point out my flaws. Sometimes I might respond in a slightly self-deprecating way, with some sort of "I ain't all that" response, or might try to turn it around into a compliment on that person (for instance in a cooperative endeavor, to point out that their work was valued as well, that I couldn't have done it alone).
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
Staff member
Joined
Apr 18, 2010
Messages
27,230
MBTI Type
INTJ
Enneagram
5w6
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
With the disclaimer that I have noticed this op is more than 5 years old:


This is kinda textbook Impostor Syndrome. I struggle with it myself. I've not found any helpful guidelines outside of practicing meditation to deal with the fear of being 'that person' who accepts/internalizes compliments that aren't merited. The prospect of being 'that person' is really loathsome to me.
My father struggled with this his entire life. He grew up in a poor, immigrant area where expectations were low and most career and educational goals considered "above" people. He eventually completed college and then grad school using the GI Bill and became a teacher, but always felt he hadn't really earned any of his accomplishments and was just a fake.
 

Z Buck McFate

Pepperidge Farm remembers.
Joined
Aug 25, 2009
Messages
6,048
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Also, the term "self-esteem" is somewhat problematic because the underlying existential position it's supposed to label seems to vary too much. Sometimes it's defined as simply having a very positive image of the self - in a way that even narcissists can have very positive images of themselves - regardless of how much unconscious shame is actually polluting a person's ability to take full responsibility for their own interpersonal footprint in the world. Yet other times it's defined as the condition of having a positive self image unsullied by narcissism - as if the former isn't real self-esteem.

The way I've been looking at it is a lack of faith in one's own abilities/skills. If I'm getting more positive feedback about something than I think is merited, I take that as a sign that I probably don't have as much faith in my own abilities/skills as I'd thought. When I was younger I didn't give this lack of faith much consideration (because the prospect of being 'that person' was so loathsome to me), and learned the hard way that it's important to learn to defend myself where I merit it because hoping/depending on someone else to always be there to do it for me was basically putting my fate in others' hands - which isn't fair to me, and it isn't even fair to others. I think I believed that if I did my best to be who I'd want to know (or to be the best employee I'd want to have, etc), then there would always be someone there to help defend me when I needed it - and life just doesn't work that way. So I wished I'd learned at an earlier age how important it is to have sufficient faith in one's own abilities/skills and even in one's own character.

But anyway, where I get praise from several sources on something, I take that as a sign that I'm not giving myself enough credit. I generally do tend to write off isolated praise - and it's not even that I write it off so much as make a mental sticky note, something like, "this person (considering the whole I know of the person as the source) said this thing." If I don't get that kind of feedback again, it will likely fade into oblivion.
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
MBTI Type
yupp
I used to be like this but i kept hearing the same compliments over and over again from different people in different groups that it's now maybe i am hilarious and kind and compassionate. I mean unless they all got together to dupe me and make me look like a fool because I'm actually not those things.the point is i dunno just i sort of used to relate
 
Top