problems accepting compliments graciously

[rav3n]

I do not give insincere compliments. But I definitely think there are purposes in giving compliments, such as making the other person feel good, informing them that you think they did something well or about a characteristic you admire, creating a sense of good fellowship.

Yeah, okay, I'm totally an INFP being all fluffy-like, trying to see the good in people, but dammit, the idea that y'all would take a sincere compliment from me and think I'm trying to manipulate you makes me sad.

For what it's worth which is likely nothing, you don't strike me as someone who gives insincere compliments.

 

[Cellmold]

I try not to give out compliments too cheaply.

And if someone disagrees, that's fine. There's always going to be a bit of distortion between how you see yourself and how others see you. Working out which one is more accurate (and whether it's worth caring) is the big conundrum.

 

[rav3n]

I enjoy giving out genuine compliments and don't flatter. Whatever I state, I mean it.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

I enjoy giving out genuine compliments and don't flatter. Whatever I state, I mean it.

Ditto.
Unless I have disintegrated to 2, and I can only identify a couple instances ever of doing exactly that.

 

[rav3n]

Ditto.
Unless I have disintegrated to 2, and I can only identify a couple instances ever of doing exactly that.

Here's a compliment. I like you. You strike me as good people.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Here's a compliment. I like you. You strike me as good people.

Thank you, truly. I feel the same way about you and dig your straight shooter style.

 

[Lark]

I enjoy giving out genuine compliments and don't flatter. Whatever I state, I mean it.

I've lived to regret compliments given out to others too, I didnt think I was giving them out that frivolously either or trivialising or anything.

I've stated it and meant it, with the information I've had at the time and then it turns out I've been duped. It means I'm less willing to compliment now. I've also had people receive compliments and treat them all as flattery. Then that sparks a suspicious attitude or wariness in future.

Could just be that I've had the misfortune to mix with pretty complex or toxic dynamics from time to time but it's all a thing. I'd agree that it feels good to be able to pay people compliments from time to time. Its part of the drive to relatedness that I think everyone, or at least most people, experience all the time.

 

[rav3n]

I've lived to regret compliments given out to others too, I didnt think I was giving them out that frivolously either or trivialising or anything.

I've stated it and meant it, with the information I've had at the time and then it turns out I've been duped. It means I'm less willing to compliment now. I've also had people receive compliments and treat them all as flattery. Then that sparks a suspicious attitude or wariness in future.

Could just be that I've had the misfortune to mix with pretty complex or toxic dynamics from time to time but it's all a thing. I'd agree that it feels good to be able to pay people compliments from time to time. Its part of the drive to relatedness that I think everyone, or at least most people, experience all the time.

That's happened to me too before but it's not a big deal since our opinions and judgments are meaningless on the scale of things. Just shrug it off and be who you are and if you feel like giving a compliment, do so.

 

[LucieCat]

I give out compliments when I think it's necessary. I often do it to try to brighten someone's mood. Sometimes, I'll shy away from it though for some odd reason.

As as far as compliments, I find that smiling and saying "Thank you" usually suffices even if you don't agree.

When people deflect compliments, I tend to shrug it off. It does annoy me when people flat out tell me I'm wrong and why though (this has only happened a handful of times with people I knew well).

I can be a bit deflecting of compliments too at times. I don't want to come across as stuck up or egotistical. So I try to be humble. If I am complimented for something I did with a group, for instance, I make sure to emphasize the contribution the others made.

 

[rav3n]

This was an interesting exercise in the giving and receiving of compliments. Notice how it made people's day, most of the time, and how beautiful they became when they genuinely smiled and how beautiful the experience of giving them that pleasure?

 

[cascadeco]

I appreciate your delving into this enquiry.

When you have acquired a certain level of mastery and you still have a fragment of an alien form of perfectionnism somewhere, you find it hard to genuinely accept compliments.

Thinking back, I was a straight A student but I never was impressed by my grades for the sole reason that I didn't perceive them as accomplishments. I had bigger things in mind.
When kids used to be impressed by supercars and that sort of thing, I would say "Meh. It's just a Ferrari. What's the fuss about?"
When I was a teenager and the boys used to speak about certain girls in the locker room, I would say "Meh. She's just a girl. What's the fuss about?"
When I was in high school playing guitar for the band in a concert for some event, I'd have people come and praise my performance and all that, and I would say "You people are crazy. Calm your tits. It was just a solo."

I was always proud in the meaning of "Dignity", and never proud in the meaning of "one's satisfaction of their own achievements". I have confidence linked to who I am, as opposed to what I did or what I have. And I don't think the things I did to have the things I have has anything to do with who I am. For many have more, and yet not confident. In the core of things, it is actual humility that doesn't allow me to overinflate the value of anything, thus never imbibing their grandeur through external feedback.

This also might explain why I have an equanimous colossal ego that only feeds on itself, and why I'm attracted to humbleness in people.

This description reminds me of one of my exes; I don't think he ever actually took or can take a single compliment; there is always immediate deflection or 'meh'ing' or 'It wasn't a big deal' or 'It's not that great' or 'I could have done better' or other such things.

I, on the other hand, have no problem taking a compliment. Does it mean I then think I'm the best thing ever, or that what I did is the best creation ever, or that there isn't room for improvement? No, but I still appreciate it and it still makes me happy. (not saying you or other ppl btw have to be happy receiving one haha, I'm just illustrating the gaping difference) And it doesn't mean I can't sense if there's insincerity or some other agenda or whatnot...if so I'll still smile and nod and file that away as info about the person.

Re giving compliments, I'll give them if I mean them; I prob don't compliment super often though.

 

[1487610420]

I h8 it, if I find it unwarranted, feels hollow and insulting, like a cheap bribe

 

[Hiraeth]

I'm one of those people because I almost always have something to interject with about how it's not nearly as good as they think. I acknowledge that it's a bad habit of mine and I've been working on learning to just accept it when it does happen. I think part of it stems from insecurity on my part and having too high standards in general for myself where nothing is ever good enough. It's usually really awkward for me to react to them, but admittedly the thought in itself is a nice gesture.

On the other hand, it's also hard for me to give them, but I've been getting better at it. Though with strangers it takes a little more effort for some reason, probably because I'm not sure how they would react and the fear of coming off awkward or too gushy after telling them. However in regards to the aspect of compliments themselves, I don't see the harm in acknowledging the good in someone every so often. It might even make their day.

 

[Coriolis]

These are two different issues, though. On the one hand, Forever is saying that he doesn't see anything (generally) to compliment people on. On the other, Coriolis is saying there seems to be no purpose in giving compliments.

I do not give insincere compliments. But I definitely think there are purposes in giving compliments, such as making the other person feel good, informing them that you think they did something well or about a characteristic you admire, creating a sense of good fellowship.

Yeah, okay, I'm totally an INFP being all fluffy-like, trying to see the good in people, but dammit, the idea that y'all would take a sincere compliment from me and think I'm trying to manipulate you makes me sad.

Manipulation is a loaded word, and means different things to different people. When I say I am often suspicious of compliments, it doesn't mean that I always think the other person is giving them just to get on my good side so they can benefit personally somehow. Let me clarify, by considering the motivations you listed for giving compliments.

First is making the other person feel good. I cannot relate to this. I don't want people deliberately trying to make me feel good, or to influence my emotions directly in any way. If I do feel good, that should be a by-product of how they are acting and the overall situation rather than some explicit attempt.

Second is informing them about something they did well. To me, this is the best kind of compliment, because I learn about myself from it. This assumes that the other person has a basis for making it, whether that is expertise in an area where they are complimenting my skill or ability, or with character traits, that they have known me long enough to have seen the evidence for it in my behavior. If they do not, I will be suspicious. If they do, I will take it as positive if general feedback. If the compliment contains specifics, so much the better. Then it really does become feedback, and lets me know what I did well, or at least what the other person found worthwhile, so I can keep doing it.

Finally is creating a sense of good fellowship. I'm not sure how this differs from the first. It is trying to engender a feeling directly, rather than as a by product of actions. I suspect compliments based on taste often fall into this category, say, telling someone you like their jacket or their new haircut, or that you enjoy something they cooked or a story they wrote. (Note the distinction between taste and skill: I can recognize someone is an accomplished musician but not like a particular piece she plays.) This says more about the person offering the compliment than the one receiving it, who undoubtedly already knows his/her own perspective on the subject.

As I mentioned, I am much more likely to give appreciation and feedback, because my goal is usually to provide the other person with information they can use, either to improve, or to help in deciding future actions.

 

[Deprecator]

Cute. Though now I wonder what her process was for deciding who would and wouldn't make it into the video.

 

[Sacrophagus]

some other agenda or whatnot

Exactly. If it is sincere, I'll take it. When it's more sycophantism, and ass-kissing that's building up to open a subject, I cut their losses and ask them to state their business.
There are people who are used to socially garnish their verbosity. If it's someone weak who's just doing that to get around, I'll tell them something like "May God bless you" or "I appreciate it" without turning them down. The powermongers who are doing that to expand their ground, I will shut them down. Either with sarcasm, or with a "I know you don't like X. It is no need to ask me to extend your greetings to them just to kiss my ass. We can do business without these childish games."

On the other side of the spectrum, I have crazy NFP people in my life. I can't turn down the most genuine of them even if they're annoying sometimes.

My ENFP friend will do that just to play with fire.

e.g today:

Me: *signed some papers*
Him: You are so great. I don't know what I could've done without you. O captain my captain! Take me to *some gibberish place*
Me: Piss off. *gives him the files*
Him: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Not this shit again.
Him: Give me some love first.
Me: I will call security.
Him: *the fucking bastard pinches my cheek and kisses his fingers*
Me: I will kill you. *death stare*
Him: You make me melt when you're angry.


What can you say to such a person?
Yeah. He's retarded.

I do not give insincere compliments. But I definitely think there are purposes in giving compliments, such as making the other person feel good, informing them that you think they did something well or about a characteristic you admire, creating a sense of good fellowship.

Yeah, okay, I'm totally an INFP being all fluffy-like, trying to see the good in people, but dammit, the idea that y'all would take a sincere compliment from me and think I'm trying to manipulate you makes me sad.

Fuck you for not being insincere.

*remembers how much she loves giving to people*

*pukes*

Fuck you.

 

[Jaguar]

What the fuck?

 

[Sacrophagus]

Exactly.

**throws a ball of wool at him**

 

[1487610420]

#HSthrowbackfriday

 

[Coriolis]

My ENFP friend will do that just to play with fire.

e.g today:

Me: *signed some papers*
Him: You are so great. I don't know what I could've done without you. O captain my captain! Take me to *some gibberish place*
Me: Piss off. *gives him the files*
Him: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Not this shit again.
Him: Give me some love first.
Me: I will call security.
Him: *the fucking bastard pinches my cheek and kisses his fingers*
Me: I will kill you. *death stare*
Him: You make me melt when you're angry.


What can you say to such a person?
Yeah. He's retarded.

Oh, dear. I cannot recall ever having to field such an exchange. I guess I don't know enough ENFPs. I usually get vague and hyperbolic, if well-meaning, compliments about my intelligence, usually after doing something relatively trivial, like recovering the text from a pdf file.