my diagnoze?

[lorkan]

Okey since my last thread back in 2010 ive made some progress in my health and wealth. For one, ive got a job now so im not so worried about my economy anymore. Second is that ive started playing soccer and i go to the gym.

The problem is my effort. I dont feel that i can do so good in the job as i wish nor as good on the football field. Although sometimes i think im so damn tired and exhausted all the fucking time that makes people around me get the impression that im lazy. If their really is something im excited about i get an short burst of energy like getting my salary, going out to party or playing with my little head. Okej so usually when i am this tired i get crazy ideas like people around me is talking behind my back or making plays for the gallery wich becomes so scary that makes me have strong anxiety attacks wich makes my fantasy takes things further and creates an evil circle.

Anyway. I got diagnosed schizophrenia sometime ago with paranoia. Does it fit me and is their a cure? Could it be transfered from relatives? Im adopted.

 

[lorkan]

I can say that i dont have a girlfriend because mostly i dont know how to be firm anymore. Actually I've never been good at being firm, i just know how to be kind and considerate wich is something I've learned girls like in the long run but not initially sadly. And i dress very badly ever since my first depression in 2002. I dont really know what's hipp anymore and i lost the knack. Back when I did have energy and everything i did alot of sports, met friends, dressed well, were invited to parties and met girls. Now I just have potential i hear everybody say but they think Im wasting it by being lazy. Ohh and i eat alot nowadays, very much chocolate and too much food.

 

[Xann]

What country are you from? What is your native language?

 

[lorkan]

Sweden - swedish.

 

[skylights]

I don't think anyone here would be able to say whether the diagnosis fits you or not. From what you have described about anxiety and paranoia, it sounds possible. As far as I remember from school, schizophrenia can have an inherited genetic component, but there are many other factors that can play a role in it as well. There is not a "cure" so to speak but many people recover completely and live normal lives, while many others live full and satisfying lives through medical treatment and community support. If the diagnosis fits you well, it may be a huge step into the light for you. I read some of your previous posts and it seems like you have had a lot of darkness and unhappiness. It sounds like you're doing better already. Are you taking medicine? The lack of energy could be a side effect. Or it's possible that there are medications that could help you feel more energetic.

Also, people who say things like "you have potential" often have no idea how difficult it is to feel caught inside your own head. You should have the right to judge your success on your own happiness and not on what they may think or say. You could let them know you have a lot to deal with that they are unaware of and that you would appreciate their patience in judging you.

 

[lorkan]

Wel i do take antidepressive and antipsychosis medication. A guy on Facebook just sent me a invitation to a test where you test the time of your deatj and im not sure if its suppose to be a funny remark on my picture i have there where i look like a zombie. And i dont dare to ask him why he put it on my wall so everybody can see it. Well i dont really like this guy, he seems very strange imo.

 

[lorkan]

I think I forgot how to be sensitive to the enviroment. I mean I can't go and do anything without making my appearance known. Some may call it eccentric behaviour what I do but I don't think that's my motive at all. I just want to, I dont know... blend in! Like everyone else but I just can't. Im kinda like Alan Harper in 2 and a half men nowadays. I remember when I was little. I was always in the shadows behind my brother or one of my best friends figurively speaking, nobody remembered my name unless they really got a chance to talk to me 1on1. But now I dont even need to use words and everybody already know what Im thinking and I cant be discret. This causes problems for me in my workplace. I bump into other colleges when they think im working to slow and Im getting temper tanthrums with passive-agression for long time. I got a very stressful job, I think. Maybe It's not very stressful actually, the job itself, but the colleges makes it stressful. If I could just take my time doing the job without any hawks being there stressing me I could do the work very good but maybe not within the timeline sadly. Im sorry if I sound very doom and gloom now but I really can't figure out what type of job would fit me nowadays. I like kids, very much, and animals... maybe I should work as a daycare for animals? Because I have very low energy nowadays cause Im battling depression I dont think taking care of kids would be a smart choice actually, it would be stressful taking care of the day to day buissness although I like being a rolemodel and I think it fits me (atleast somewhat). About the rolemodel thing. Maybe Im not very good when I think about it. You know I have a very tough time making up my freaking mind about, well, everything in my life. I just feel so tired and can't think straight, maby my meds don't work properly. Should I call my doctor (who is very busy and rarely returns my calls) and say that I want a stronger dose of antidepressive? I don't want to raise the antipsychotic medicine just yet because I get a terrible weight gain. Anyway my brother comes soon and I guess we will be talking some and he will burrow some money from me again. Every month the same deal, he never thinks when he is spending money. It's like he is living like his last day could be tomorrow EVERYDAY. Wich pisses me off! Im not his fucking bank and I dont want to live poor just because he is poor and still want's to have fun... he really needs to wake up to reality and NOT SPEND EVERYTHING HE GETS AND BURROWS SO HE CAN BURROW MORE AND SPEND MORE! Maybe I should tell him that. But then everytime I come with a complaint to him he intelligently kinda turns it so Im the one being questioned (yes he is ISTJ), I don't really know how he does that but he seems to be capable and very adept at interrogation technics. I can ask a simple question and then leave the argument with a extremely bad feeling allmost 99% of the time. I think It's some kind of personality flaw he has and I think I have a personality flaw myself for being such a pushover and not standing my ground. I just don't know how to tell people where I stand in things and what is okey and not okey. Where does the line go from being straight to being brutal? I just can't balance it. Either Im very stubborn or I can't decide what I want to do.