Meaningful Friendships

[Siúil a Rúin]

What are your most meaningful friendships like and how did you come to be friends? Are friendships the same with either gender, or do you approach the boundaries differently when in a relationship or when single? Are your online friendships different than those in your geographic location? I just thought it would good to have a thread to explore the topic in depth.

I've almost never made close friends, and have actually done better online in general. Recently I decided it would be healthy and important for my life to make an effort to establish friendships, and I don't feel particularly expert and experienced on the topic. I can be a bit clumsy irl like being unexpectedly too nice early on, or not responding in the right social rhythm. I'm making friends with other musicians and trying to be open to anyone I can connect with. I tend to be a bit cautious when interacting with the opposite sex, so I don't send the wrong signals, but I also think it is healthy for people to have a variety of friendships, but I know I want to approach everything the right way. I am doing more collaborative professional projects to start with and hope to be able to move to some casual interactions with some people, rather than just work in a friendly way which is the only social interaction I do now.

Hearing other people's experiences and approaches will be useful to me and hopefully to others as well.

 

[UniqueMixture]

My most meaningful friend I met in a very superficial way. We had a mutual friend we would watch basketball games with and he was my wingman for a few years. Over that time we had a lot of disagreements and arguments (he is NF psychology guy and we would argue epistemology a lot and morality). I think because he was so argumentative and challenging it was interesting. It wasn't fake and bullshit interaction like most interaction is between two people. We had a lot of fun and were always there for one another. So, if I had to give one piece of advice it would be feel free to disagree with others even vehemently however, always do so respectfully recognizing that the other person isn't there to avow or discredit your worldview, but is just a person who you may enjoy spending time with and learning something new in spite of the differences.

 

[Pseudo]

My best friend is the only person I would consider close. The only person I feel
Comfortable being somewhat emotional around. W
Met in our first college class. It took a whole for me to warm up and eat lunch with everyone. We did some things with the group and out of nowhere she asked to be roomates. It was actually really crazy. We are really extremely close. Not to be cliche but its like family. Our families vacation together. But it was just kind of a happy accident.

Most friends I have are people I'm forced to be in close contact with like classmates. Otherwise I don't take enough initiative to meet people. I have a few new friends from the last two years who I met thought the BF. but I become closer to them through shared interest

I think I've learned that you shouldn't be afraid to be interested and reach out. Most people will respond
Positively.

 

[WALMART]

My Nigerian lover I met in fourth grade. He is smart, charming and driven to success.


Not many in the world add up to his caliber, and I love him for it.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I hope more people will post in this thread. It would be great to hear about their friendships.

 

[UniqueMixture]

Have you considered asking her for... not advice, but just tell her the things you admire about her (as a passing remark & genuine compliment) and asking her how she became the person she became. I find most people enjoy talking about themselves/sharing their story if they feel the other person is genuinely interested and it sounds like you admire her and wish to be more like her? If she is genuinely nice, then she may just be curious about and inquire about you. Maybe a shared activity that she too enjoys where you can show off one of your strengths? (so that you can show strength as well so the dynamic does not become of of you seeking something from her causing a sense of imbalance in the dynamic)

 

[Giggly]

My friendships mean so much to me. Right now I have 3 really close friends - the kind where we tell everything to each other- and 1 of them I met in early high school, and the other 2 I've known for about 8 years now. I'd say that I'm closer to them than I am to my family, but that's only because I confide in them when I have family problems and vice versa. We've had moments of ups and downs but we always weather through them and come out closer than ever.

I've not done well online and realize that that doesn't suit me. I have an intense need to communicate through voice and body language and favor people who do the same.

I've not done well with male friends either because attraction always gets in the way, either from me or him.

As for where you meet them, I think you meet them by chance and when you're least expecting it. It was very organic, at least that's how mine went. Anytime I've ever wanted to deliberately make friends with people, it never worked out, which kind of sucks. I could use more, since I know life brings about changes.

 

[SilkRoad]

My friendships mean so much to me. Right now I have 3 really close friends - the kind where we tell everything to each other- and 1 of them I met in early high school, and the other 2 I've known for about 8 years now. I'd say that I'm closer to them than I am to my family, but that's only because I confide in them when I have family problems and vice versa. We've had moments of ups and downs but we always weather through them and come out closer than ever.

I've not done well online and realize that that doesn't suit me. I have an intense need to communicate through voice and body language and favor people who do the same.

I've not done well with male friends either because attraction always gets in the way, either from me or him.

As for where you meet them, I think you meet them by chance and when you're least expecting it. It was very organic, at least that's how mine went. Anytime I've ever wanted to deliberately make friends with people, it never worked out, which kind of sucks. I could use more, since I know life brings about changes.

I relate to a lot of this. I've mostly met my closest friends through my church, and then a few from high school - or even all the way back to elementary school. I have one elementary school friend who I'm still good friends with and that's been about 25 years, and we're only in our early thirties. We did have times on and off when we weren't much in contact but we never stopped being friends. When I think of the two people I consider my best best friends, I've known one of them for almost twenty years (and she's more than ten years older than me), and one for about 12-13 years (the same age as me.)

My friendships tend to be slow-developing. In the case of those which have lasted, I've usually had a good first impression or good acquaintanceship, but sometimes it's been months or years of acquaintanceship before we got closer. Which can require patience but then you generally have a friend for life and I value those so much.

I have friendships where there's more of an emotional connection, and friendships where it's more shared interests. Both can be very good but the best ones almost inevitably include both. Reliability and loyalty are also very important, and similar values.

Like Giggly, I'm not very interested in close friendships online, although there are certainly people on this forum I have a degree of friendship with or fondness for. But i find it's limited if you don't know them IRL. You are missing out on loads of important aspects and you miss the "vibe" or "aura" that people have IRL, which can be crucial either in friendships or relationships.

I also don't tend to have much success with male friends. I've had a few good close ones, but not many. Most guys I consider "friends" are really just acquaintances. The closer friendships have an unfortunate habit of going to hell sooner or later. Either I fall for them, or they fall for me, and it's one-sided; or even if we had a decent platonic friendship, he eventually ends up with someone long term and the friendship just drifts because he doesn't have time, or his wife is jealous and he needs to be careful (which I totally understand and agree with), etc.

 

[Lark]

Like Giggly, I'm not very interested in close friendships online, although there are certainly people on this forum I have a degree of friendship with or fondness for. But i find it's limited if you don't know them IRL. You are missing out on loads of important aspects and you miss the "vibe" or "aura" that people have IRL, which can be crucial either in friendships or relationships.

I also don't tend to have much success with male friends. I've had a few good close ones, but not many. Most guys I consider "friends" are really just acquaintances. The closer friendships have an unfortunate habit of going to hell sooner or later. Either I fall for them, or they fall for me, and it's one-sided; or even if we had a decent platonic friendship, he eventually ends up with someone long term and the friendship just drifts because he doesn't have time, or his wife is jealous and he needs to be careful (which I totally understand and agree with), etc.

I'm relatively "free" with friendships, that is to say that I make friends with people easily and am prepared to work on a friendship, ie get in touch with people, start over, get in touch again after long breaks in contact (in part because I know that my work schedule and interests consume me sometimes and I dont make time for friends). I've got about half a dozen uber friendships, these are people who despite differences in culture, distance in geography or other ways, I just consider important and significant besides the difficulty. There's only one or two people whose friendship is important enough that I'd risk my neck, break the law, break with principle for. It could be that I keep that group small unconsicously because its not possible to be that way with everyone but to be honest most people do not fit that frame and fall short, it doesnt mean we cant be friends its just not the same.

I've always been naturally extroverted and wanted friends but I can honestly say that I didnt have any until I was seventeen, I had lots of school acquaintences, a lot of which were the kids of people who were friends with my parents and one or two of them were actually bullies (not even when I think about it, I may have known it at the time and I knew none of them would be people I would keep in touch with). I never panicked about friendship or its lack of though because I had family. I'd never have forged a good or lasting friendship with anyone who wouldnt be a "fit" with my family or meet with their approval or at least be well mannered around or about them.

Online friendships are much like SR and Giggly describe, they are not the same as in person, and not live chats, not cam chats not anything like that can really stand in. Although I've made friends with people online and met them in person and travelled to meet them, only within in the UK so far. Some of those have gone on to be great friendships.

The male-female thing is interesting, I have had great female friendships all my life and sometimes I prefer female company to male company, I dont find that female friends compete with me the same way that male company does. A lot of male friendships have foundered, broken down or withered away because of that, even acquaintences and working relationships have been threatened by it, and the whole time I do not deliberately compete myself, sometimes I've tried to alay any concerns of that kind but its not worked out.

On the whole attraction, no attraction, mutual attraction thing, when I think about it I have experienced that, to begin with I was going to say I have from time to time developed crushes but they havent been reciprocated and that's been fine but a great friendship has developed besides, which has happened (I was great friends with one woman until she got married, we're less close now but that could be said for a lot of friends who've settled down and started families, plus I moved a couple of times during that time).

There has been one occasion, years ago, someone I met online developed feelings for me, which did not pan out in person, although at that time I bought into it too, its funny, they liked me a lot, I wasnt interested in anything serious, then they changed their mind I think but I'd changed mine the other way. I've tried to friends with them since and its not worked, which is a shame. I think that was a learning experience and I've not repeated it with anyone else, whether its been someone I met in person or online or whatever.

Sometimes I meet members of the opposite sex who I'd like to be good friends with but it is awkward, they could be used to men hitting on them or have other baggage, I've had really mixed success with that. Also I've known people who have poor boundaries or other the like and I've wondered about the amount of time they wanted to spend with me when they've got kids or partners or other commitments, that's not good, its worse than someone trying to tell you to dial it back because of a jealous spouse or something.

 

[garbage]

Hearing other people's experiences and approaches will be useful to me and hopefully to others as well.

My closest friends have come from all over the place. It's all about creating or recognizing opportunities to meet people, then balls-out seizing those that have potential.

We all grow up with family, and so family presents us with great opportunities to get to know people pretty well. Some of us wind up getting on well with cousins or siblings. I'd consider my sister and my dad to be among my best friends--my sister and I hang out regularly and can talk deeply, as do my dad and I. Most importantly, my dad sees me as an adult and an equal. My sister's fiancee is a swell guy as well, and I'd count him among my best friends--not just because he's 'convenient' either, but because he's level-headed and mature.

My dad's best friend growing up is one of my mentors, best friends, role models, and confidants. The two of us are closer than the two of them are; we're very much on the same wavelength. I had rejected him and some advice that he'd given me way back in my freshman year of college because I wasn't ready for it, but we reconnected after I needed a psychologist for a research project years later. He's one of the few who isn't afraid of true, true intimacy. We talk psychology, relationships, politics, philosophy, so on and so forth.

Another.. friend(?).. of mine met at a personal development organization and started hanging out and talking pretty deeply. It turned out that he'd just gotten out of prison and needed a good role model. He credits me with pointing him in the right direction and helping him turn his life around. While it lasted, the whole dynamic was fucked up, a bit unhealthy, and largely one-sided--though I can't say that I didn't learn from him, too; we both grew from the experience. I regard the whole shebang as mostly a sponsor/sponsee relationship moreso than a friendship per se, but there it is.

Speaking of, I've got a mentor/mentee relationship with many of my students, which tends to happen when we feel like we're not overstepping our bounds.

Another great friend is my fiancee. We met at a party and she's now my best friend. [sappy romantic bullshit here]

Other folks that she and I are both closest to are those that have shown up to Game Nights that I throw pretty regularly. They usually happen to be decades older than us because they're the ones with experience and maturity.


I also have a pretty good pool of friends from an online 'community' of sorts. We've met up quite a few times, too, and we do talk pretty much every day.

 

[mmhmm]

What are your most meaningful friendships like and how did you come to be friends? Are friendships the same with either gender, or do you approach the boundaries differently when in a relationship or when single? Are your online friendships different than those in your geographic location? I just thought it would good to have a thread to explore the topic in depth.

i met the bulk of my good friends in grade school.
so i've known most of them for over 20 years.
a few i met through work. and a few online.

i rarely hangout in groups 'the more the merrier'
is totally not my style i've always preferred to
hang one-on-one. even when i have a group
of friends, ie a group of friends in the same
class, i will always have a favourite that i
will zero in and whisk them away. and so i just
end up with only my favourites in my life.

i'm like that online too. i'll like specific
people, never a group, and i will zero in on
them. behind the scenes dealings, i love that.
the online thing doesn't bother me one bit.
my friends live in different countries, the
internet has been a way to just communicate.

i'm very upfront about who i like and i
don't like, even if i can't articulate a reason,
i definitely go off vibes, and dynamics, and
i trust my gut instinct even if it's been known
to be wrong, but still, over the years, it's gotten
better.

and doesn't matter to me if they are male or
female. or even if they have had crushes
on me in the past. i just don't really spend time
with people with very fragile egos--because
if i get a sniff, i'll have to crush it. i don't know
why i'm like that or why it's just so irresistible.
i just like very, very solid characters that don't
waver just because of the shit that spills out of
my mouth.

in terms of depth and meaningful-ness, beepbeepbeep
it's a problem free zone not because we can't talk
about "problems". but because we don't have to talk
about it? we are aware that everybody has their
own battle to deal with. and when we hang. we
just simply hang--stress free, almost like an escape.
even if i hadn't see them in years, seeing each other
again always feels like we just hung out yesterday.
i really dig that.

though my best friend in the whole world is my
boyfriend, and oh man. -this- is probably the most
meaningful friendship. anything and everything
without having to say a single word. all the stuff
that i kinda brush off, the mush and the gloop, it
just comes tumbling out. it's disarming. but so
addictive.

 

[Fidelia]

I suppose most of my meaningful friendships developed more through being thrown together in particular circumstances than anything else. Some are akin to me and some are very different from me. Each place I've been has yielded one or two friendships that have lasted for some years even though we live far apart.

- my college roommate who is now a doctor in New Zealand. We don't share the same religious values and we have very different tastes, but both of us share a love of people watching and analysis.
- a teacher at the first school I taught in. We were both in our first year at the time.
- a student from my first internship/musician at church from the first place I ended up teaching at. We became friends after she graduated and she was fun to play music with.
- my landlady and my cooperating teacher from my internship were two people whose friendship I have valued, even though they are both my parents' age.
- two of the graduate students in my department when I was doing a master's degree - polar opposite people!
- a teacher I met when I went up north. She couldn't drive when she first got there and I didn't exercise. We shared expertise with each other. She also was an invaluable practical and emotional support throughout the years there.
- a girl that is like an adopted sister. Our family used to babysit her and she stayed with us for holidays throughout the years. She's married with two kids now and we've found new ways to keep our friendship growing through discussing child-raising, work we'd like to do in the world, ideas, family, etc. I've known her since I was eight.
- my cousins - a lot of my extended family have been long term friends.
- my mother - probably my best friend in the world
- my niece - lives with us and we've spent a lot of time together through the years. Closer than ever before now.

My relationship to guys particularly, but friends in general has changed throughout the years as they've gotten married. I was never interested romantically in any of them, but I wouldn't want to ever do anything that would make their spouses feel on the edges and a friendship with three people is rarely quite the same. The advent of them having kids has also changed our relationship.

 

[SilkRoad]

I find it interesting when people call their siblings or parents their best friends. I don't really relate. And it's not because we're not close or we don't get along. We all have very good relationships with each other (though we do have that "close, but still plenty of privacy and distance" thing going on which I suspect is rather IxxJ - one thing I'm sure of is we're all IxxJ.)

I think it's just that for me, family and friends are in different categories. I love my parents and my brother so dearly, but they are my parents and my brother, not "best friends." I'm actually curious now as to why I feel so definite about this. I might have to explore further.

I think maybe my interaction styles with family and with friends are quite different - although both are genuine and "me". I've actually often felt a little nervous when the two spheres cross. I think my family has always been quite self-contained, perhaps a little too much so.

 

[Betty Blue]

I'm also not really a group person.

I think the majority of friendships take time to establish though there are some that you have an instant connection with.

I have friendships with five boys that i grew up with and have known since pretty much birth. Only one of them is still living close by (plus my blood brother) and we are incredibly close. He always introduces me as his sister and i would say the relationship is more familial.

I do also have friendships with a huge variety of individuals that i have connected with over the years, some were loners and some were part of groups of friends but usually it's only one of the group that i seemed to connect with on a deep enough level to maintain it over time and distance.

I have a lot of friendships with people i rarely see, i have infact a ten year old friendship with someone i met on myspace and have not met in person though i think i will be soon.

I do have some very close friends that i see regularly too, no more than five or six and usually i see them seperately, it's not a group in itself but there is some crossover. Most live locally so i see them once a week or fortnight...

I'm not sure if there are any rules to how i stay in touch with people or how they stay in touch with me. Just seems to happen, it's not something i spend a huge amount of time thinking about.

I like to learn from people and i see friendships as part of a mutual exchange of idea's, information, love and support.(not in that order and not specific to those only)..but i hold no-one to anything.

I'm not big on acquaintances and do not enjoy networking...ick.

 

[cascadeco]

I met two of my close friends while on my first 'job' out of college (~12 yrs ago); I was volunteering for several months at Arches National Park, and living in government housing with two other people close to my age. One of the guys I lived with I just hit it off with... he was and is one of my few male friends. It was one of the 'oddest' relationships, I think... it was just so utterly natural. He's a quieter, contemplative, philosophical, spiritual, pot-smoking sort (stereotyping, here, to paint a picture... he was done w/ drugs though by that point), and we just... quietly bonded. He's one of the only people in existence where right from the get-go I was totally at ease with silence, with him. So we'd sit there, listening to music, or we'd go up into the park a few times for night hikes, we'd of course talk... but a lot of it was just insta-connection, no need to dance around with silly chitchat. He was done with his job only a few months after I arrived, so he left before I did; but we've stayed in contact ever since, met up a few times irl over the years, and email a few times a year. I know he'll always be in my life in one fashion or another.

Another close friend I didn't really 'bond' with while at the park, but after I was back home I learned she was moving to my state/metropolitan area. So she contacted me, we started hanging out now and then, eventually got an apartment together, living together for a few yrs, and since then we've been super close. Now that we haven't lived in the same state for maybe six years, it's not the same of course, but I've seen her a few times, and we've also taken a few overseas trips together. She is super important to me.

My third friend I've known for maybe 9 or 10 yrs; met her through a friend (we were all at a climbing gym). The first few yrs we'd get together maybe once every 3 months for coffee; it was slow to develop. But now I consider her a good friend. She's not the most dependable person, so I don't think I'm as close to her as the first two people I mentioned... I just don't think she has the bandwidth / I don't feel I can divulge as much or she's able to give as much. But, she's still pretty great.

My longest-standing friend I met in college - 16 years ago. She's amazing too; I see her maybe once every month or two, but she's very busy, is married with a 14-mo-old, so our life paths are becoming different; less time to get together.

My recent ex I'd consider a good friend, although he's the first ex I've been able to do that with; to continue to interact with after, and have enough in common to continue doing activities and also not have the emotional aspect tearing me apart.

There's one other friend I'd like to 'call out',even though I haven't talked to her for over a year. She's one I know I'd still be super close to if we still lived in the same city though, and I immensely valued her friendship and Self in the year prior to my moving; she's someone I met from this very forum, a fellow infj, and she's an amazing person. Again, rather an insta-connection... I just knew the first time I met her I could say anything; and I hope she felt it was the same vice-versa. We plunged immediately into deeper more 'meaningful' sharing; we both noted that that's kinda rare, though, and I told her that so seldom happens with me. So, I value her too.

 

[Beorn]

I feel really super blessed to have the relationships I have. They are my most important assets in life. I remember at 13, after years of loneliness and being an outsider in my own family of 6, just bawling my eyes out and praying to God that I would have some friends. I still have difficulties navigating social relationships, but I definitely have many great friends. All of my closest friends are irl and male. Online I'm more inclined to develop more casual friendships/acquaintances with just a few females. I do struggle with developing friendships now that I'm older and single since most of my friends are married, but I'm not really bothered by it. I'm a bit of chameleon and enjoy being with people who are really into things that I only have a moderate interest in.*

My brother- My closest and longest friendship. We are great one-on-one, but he prefers that our social worlds do not collide and will not share mutual friends with me either by inviting me to hang out with his friends or joining me and my friends. He's VERY crunchy and most of our conversations revolve around community, the environment, and sustainability.

A pastor at my church- He's a few years older than me with a wife and kids. Our relationship started out one-sided as I depended in him for mentoring, but has grown more even as I've tried to reach out to him. This was less out of my own need to have a friend, but more out of recognition that he has very few balanced relationships because of his job. He's very nerdy so our relationship revolves around conversations about sci-fi and fantasy stuff.

Music school friends- I have a couple guys I'm friends with that are doing various graduate degrees in music. Obviously we talk about music. We also have conversations and read books together that revolve around the same topics I discuss with my brother. I'm also more likely to go to a hip restaurant or event with these folks.*

Breakfast friends: I have breakfast every week with three guys that are locals like me. I went to HS with one of them and law school with the other. They are very intelligent, have an interest in theology, put up with my philosophizing, but ultimately are very typical guys. We get each other's subtle jokes in a way that only people who have grown up in close proximity can. If we're not eating breakfast together at a greek diner then we are watching football or basketball, out smoking cigars, or watching a guy's movie.**

Things all of these guys enjoy: theology and a good pint of beer.

 

[Beorn]

I feel really super blessed to have the relationships I have. They are my most important assets in life. I remember at 13, after years of loneliness and being an outsider in my own family of 6, just bawling my eyes out and praying to God that I would have some friends. I still have difficulties navigating social relationships, but I definitely have many great friends. All of my closest friends are irl and male. Online I'm more inclined to develop more casual friendships/acquaintances with just a few females. I do struggle with developing friendships now that I'm older and single since most of my friends are married, but I'm not really bothered by it. I'm a bit of chameleon and enjoy being with people who are really into things that I only have a moderate interest in.*

My brother- My closest and longest friendship. We are great one-on-one, but he prefers that our social worlds do not collide and will not share mutual friends with me either by inviting me to hang out with his friends or joining me and my friends. He's VERY crunchy and most of our conversations revolve around community, the environment, and sustainability.

A pastor at my church- He's a few years older than me with a wife and kids. Our relationship started out one-sided as I depended in him for mentoring, but has grown more even as I've tried to reach out to him. This was less out of my own need to have a friend, but more out of recognition that he has very few balanced relationships because of his job. He's very nerdy so our relationship revolves around conversations about sci-fi and fantasy stuff.

Music school friends- I have a couple guys I'm friends with that are doing various graduate degrees in music. Obviously we talk about music. We also have conversations and read books together that revolve around the same topics I discuss with my brother. I'm also more likely to go to a hip restaurant or event with these folks.*

Breakfast friends: I have breakfast every week with three guys that are locals like me. I went to HS with one of them and law school with the other. They are very intelligent, have an interest in theology, put up with my philosophizing, but ultimately are very typical guys. We get each other's subtle jokes in a way that only people who have grown up in close proximity can. If we're not eating breakfast together at a greek diner then we are watching football or basketball, out smoking cigars, or watching a guy's movie.**

Things all of these guys enjoy: theology and a good pint of beer.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

Life and the condition of being human is a weird existential phenomenon. I think people are mirrors and mostly I choose close friends according to who gives back a reflection that helps me make sense of my experience of the world. Everyone has a different threshold or priority for how important it is to understand some underlying sense of ‘self’, and I generally gravitate towards people with a similar threshold, probably because it’s the kind of ‘mirror’ that makes the most sense to me. And even amongst people who prioritize understanding a sense of ‘self’- there has to be a similar enough way of prioritizing information. While surrounding myself with people who are TOO similar can often lead to blind spots only being reinforced- I really need for it to make sense when someone is pointing out a blind spot to me. Generally dealing with other people will either give me a ‘reflection’ that seems like a clearer image than I was already seeing (which helps me understand the world and my experience of it better)- this includes pointing out those blind spots or helping me understand something in my purview that didn’t make sense- or they give me feedback that I can’t really use because I don’t understand the importance. It’s just confusing to me to deal with people whose priorities are significantly different, it’s like looking into a funhouse mirror- it’s not that I think they’re priorities are wrong, it’s just that if I don’t understand them then I have to limit my interaction with them because it’s an alienating experience to deal with them.

I suppose in the end it comes down to a ‘gut feeling’ in that either the reflection I get from them helps make sense of the world or it doesn’t- either interaction with them helps me come to a clearer understanding of my thoughts and feelings (even if it’s feedback that hurts initially or points something out to me that isn’t flattering- if it helps my thoughts and feelings slide into focus and seem clearer, then I try to embrace it) or it only further convolutes that which doesn’t really make sense.

A problem I’ve had in the past is dealing with confusing information from someone I’ve built a rapport with. Once I’ve invested a great deal of energy in friendship with someone- because of feeling on the same page with them, built on a lot of experience of them being a very effective ‘mirror’- I lose sight of if/when I should take their feedback with a grain of salt (i.e. if/when I should ‘embrace’ feedback, as opposed to rejecting it simply because it doesn’t immediately make sense). I’m very careful about who I become close friends with because of this- I love the feeling of growth that comes from hearing things that may be difficult to hear BUT I can tell there’s truth in it because it ‘makes sense’- yet it’s extraordinarily confusing to me to have someone close to me say hurtful things that I just can’t make sense of. It’s like kryptonite to me- the stress of it bleeds over into routine tasks because the looping it causes is so distracting. The longer I’ve known someone and the more reliable their judgment has consistently been throughout my entire experience of them- the harder it is to write off feedback that doesn’t make sense.


Similar to what SilkRoad wrote- I rather envy people who can list family members amongst their most meaningful friendships. I *sorta* have that with my dad, but it's still very limited.

 

[garbage]

I find it interesting when people call their siblings or parents their best friends. I don't really relate. And it's not because we're not close or we don't get along. We all have very good relationships with each other (though we do have that "close, but still plenty of privacy and distance" thing going on which I suspect is rather IxxJ - one thing I'm sure of is we're all IxxJ.)

I think it's just that for me, family and friends are in different categories. I love my parents and my brother so dearly, but they are my parents and my brother, not "best friends." I'm actually curious now as to why I feel so definite about this. I might have to explore further.

Huh, neat.

I have totally different dynamics with all of my family members. I'm not particularly close to my mom, brother, or any of my extended family; but I'm very close to my sister and dad.

However, none of my immediate family was close growing up, and I rarely interacted with any of them--it was only later in life that we grew together. So, in a sense, we weren't exactly 'family,' and we're still pretty fractured (that is, not all of us are close to one another). Perhaps that's a key difference.