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Shame & Vulnerability

Turtledove

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I found this youtube video on my facebook page one day from someone and I thought what she talks about as well as research is very interesting.

 

INTP

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actually watched this few days ago and was thinking of posting it. i dont remember exactly what she said(and v´cba to watch it again), so cant really reply anything other than that people should watch this
 

Coriolis

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This was posted and discussed in another thread, where I made the following comments:

Presentations or essays like this frustrate me, because I can understand what they are saying on one level, but then am usually left clueless as to what to do about it. There always seem to be assumptions, too, or at least undefined terminology. Brown starts with the idea of connection, which she never defines, and the assumption that we all need/want it, without justifying or qualifying this (e.g. do we all need the same amount or kind of connection?) She explains her idea of shame, worthiness, and authenticity a bit better.

The central idea of vulnerability, though, is never really defined. The word "vulnerable" is based on the latin word for wound, suggesting it is the ability to be wounded, or hurt. The examples Brown uses to illustrate it seem to focus on risk. In most areas of life, however, people are encouraged to avoid hurt and to carefully control risk. We wear our seatbelts and install smoke alarms; we buy insurance and invest for our retirement; we make up wills; we buy generators or stockpile supplies. Brown doesn't seem to think we need to exercise similar caution when it comes to the area she is discussing, however (emotions? relationships? not sure even what to call it). Maybe this is why advice like hers tends to come across as unworkable.
 

AphroditeGoneAwry

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I thought it was pretty clear. The key to living whole-heartedly is being willing to be vulnerable.

How to get there? If you have a hard time being vulnerable, work on it. Ask yourself why you are afraid to be vulnerable. If you cannot find your own answers, talk to a close friend who is a good, thoughtful listener, or get therapy.
 

Usehername

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I thought it was pretty clear. The key to living whole-heartedly is being willing to be vulnerable.

How to get there? If you have a hard time being vulnerable, work on it. Ask yourself why you are afraid to be vulnerable. If you cannot find your own answers, talk to a close friend who is a good, thoughtful listener, or get therapy.

Yes.

If you're not positioned where you could get hurt, you're also not positioned where you could feel joy.
 

Turtledove

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I thought it was pretty clear. The key to living whole-heartedly is being willing to be vulnerable.

How to get there? If you have a hard time being vulnerable, work on it. Ask yourself why you are afraid to be vulnerable. If you cannot find your own answers, talk to a close friend who is a good, thoughtful listener, or get therapy.

I approve this message.
 

Coriolis

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This is going to sound like a really dumb question, but I'm going to ask anyway: how does one be vulnerable? Exactly what kind of hurt is one remaining open to? If I got up tomorrow and decided, "I'm going to try to be vulnerable today", what would I actually do or change? This is part of the frustration of advice videos like this. The theory might make sense, but I am left clueless as to how to put it into practice.
 

AphroditeGoneAwry

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Not sure if you are asking me, but I just hopped on, so I guess I'll *try* to answer.

Being vulnerable is putting yourself out there. Taking the chance on being rejected. Not being afraid to make mistakes.

Maybe you already do this. If so, then you are probably living life whole-heartedly, as the researcher said. If you don't do these things, perhaps you should, to live life more fully.

If you can't do these things, then it might behoove you to find out why.
 

Coriolis

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Not sure if you are asking me, but I just hopped on, so I guess I'll *try* to answer.

Being vulnerable is putting yourself out there. Taking the chance on being rejected. Not being afraid to make mistakes.

Maybe you already do this. If so, then you are probably living life whole-heartedly, as the researcher said. If you don't do these things, perhaps you should, to live life more fully.

If you can't do these things, then it might behoove you to find out why.
I'll take answers from anyone. I'm not usually afraid to make mistakes. I don't make too many, and when I do, it is usually a worthwhile learning experience. If I never made any, I would feel I was being complacent, too conservative, not pushing the envelope enough. I can't say I encounter too many opportunities for outright rejection, though. Someone might reject some idea I have or statement I make; but I don't take that as a rejection of me. As for "putting yourself out there", I'm not sure what you mean. I am generally assertive in going after what I want, speaking my mind, and contributing where I think I can help. I can't say I ever really feel vulnerable, though, and it has been very seldom that I have been hurt (I assume not physical injury).
 

AphroditeGoneAwry

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I'll take answers from anyone. I'm not usually afraid to make mistakes. I don't make too many, and when I do, it is usually a worthwhile learning experience. If I never made any, I would feel I was being complacent, too conservative, not pushing the envelope enough. I can't say I encounter too many opportunities for outright rejection, though. Someone might reject some idea I have or statement I make; but I don't take that as a rejection of me. As for "putting yourself out there", I'm not sure what you mean. I am generally assertive in going after what I want, speaking my mind, and contributing where I think I can help. I can't say I ever really feel vulnerable, though, and it has been very seldom that I have been hurt (I assume not physical injury).

I guess there are just times in life where one is presented with challenges or new experiences. Living whole-heartedly means making the most of life and taking chances, which makes you vulnerable. It's not like you consciously try to make yourself vulnerable. It's that you don't not do something that might make you more vulnerable than you're used to. I think it's akin to "letting go" perhaps.
 

Coriolis

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So in a way, it is being opportunistic in new ways - broadening one's horizons by trying new things and new experiences?
 

AphroditeGoneAwry

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So in a way, it is being opportunistic in new ways - broadening one's horizons by trying new things and new experiences?

Um, not exactly, I don't think, though if that is where your vulnerability lies, then yes.

I think it means going where the pain is, the fear, and not letting those dominate you.
 

Turtledove

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So in a way, it is being opportunistic in new ways - broadening one's horizons by trying new things and new experiences?

Do you think what she's talking about is like a business deal? Because relationships are NOTHING like that.
 

Coriolis

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I was assuming the advice applied broadly to life, and not specifically to relationships. In any case, relationships and business deals have more in common than you think. I will admit that most of my relationships are professional in nature, but the personal ones also have that sense of give and take, everyone contributes and everyone gets something out of it, and together you can do more than you can do alone.
 
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