[Advice] Personality Disorders

[Lile]

Firstly, I'm new here, but have been lurking around for a while. So hi.

If this is in the wrong forum move it pleaaassseee and thank you!
WARNING: Loooong post, but I really appreciate any feedback!
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I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD. At first I thought everything that had to do with me was based on that. Everything.

But then I found out that a friend of mine had a personality disorder. I decided to research it so maybe I could help her or do something, but before doing anything I wanted to get my facts straight.

I started on Wikipedia, because I didn't want to go in depth, and wiki is always a nice place to start. (When the article isn't on opinions.)

I started reading about being a sociopath, and I loved reading about it. It was just really interesting, let me say. So I decided to read about other disorders as well. I clicked on the "avoidance personality disorder" link, and started reading.

Immediately I couldn't read any more. I was stunned for about two seconds after reading this line: "People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, or disliked."

That was me.

I forced myself to keep reading, because I knew I'd stress about what it meant if I didn't keep reading. It really got to me when it got to the part where it said "They tend to criticize themselves after speaking to others." It doesn't matter if I said the most hilarious thing in the world. What I said was was wrong of me to say, and extremely embarrassing.

Somewhere along the way there was something that said "This is closely linked to Schizoid Personality Disorder." What immediately entered my mind was Schizophrenia, so I decided to check it out to make sure.

Again, I had to stop reading. "Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness, and apathy."

A few paragraphs down or so, I realized the major difference was that Schizoids really didnt care about relationships, while avoidance people do. But I still felt like both really applied to me. Sometimes I just really didn't care what others wanted from me, (and sometimes all I wanted was for them to feel pain, for they had broken my iscolation.) Other times I really wanted to fit in, be like everyone else, have a boyfriend, but fear of saying something stupid kept me from doing those things. The whole "have a boyfriend" thing was more because I was scared of someone relying on me for emotional condolences, because I suspect myself of being a Schizoid, obviously I would hate doing that. Heck, I hate when my friends come crying to me for silly things. I wanted them to be my pillow.

I feel like this must be clarified though, I would be a covert Schizoid. I do appear to be extremely friendly, but I would never dare initiate conversation with someone I don't know or don't have a friend around to help me.

I do suspect my therapist is trying to secretly test me for being a Schizoid, because I remember him asking if I had three layers to my brain, one on the outside that everyone gets access to, one a little deeper, where I start to express my thoughts, and a third layer no one is able to reach because those thoughts are never voiced. I answered yes, because until then I had been doing it subconsciously, now I'm aware I'm doing it. Only 3 people have access to the second part. My friend Amanda, and my sister. And my sister gets there through sheer innocence and not understanding whats going on, so I can tell her anything without fear of her thinking lowly of me. Amanda...its a long story how she became that trusted.

I also frequently go to my inner fantasy world. At first I didn't understand what that meant, because I never imagined riding dragons or anything, just me talking to people and having it always go my way. My therapist questioned about this and asked "do the people appear weaker then they actually are?" To which I responded "no", but then he threw a curveball. "They'd have to be in order for you to stand up to them, eh?" Yes indeed. My other form of escape is World of Warcraft, its a wonderful outlet to be anyone but you. Sure, maybe you cant talk to people in the real world, but all you have to do in here is smack something with a hammer really well and your accepted!

(This starts to get really complicated with me theorycrafting here, so yeah.)

Back to the tests. After I finished with that, and here are my results:

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Very High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

I dont understand the Narcissistic...whatever. But then I saw a link to a depression test. I was starting to feel freaked out about me having a disorder, so I decided to take it to make myself feel better cause I knew I wasnt depressed.

Major Depression: Slight
Dysthymia: High-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder: High
Cyclothymia: Very High
Seasonal Affective Disorder: Slight-Moderate
Postpartum Depression: N/A

Cyclothymia. If you dont know what it is, its a mild form of being bipolar, basically.

Heres the theorycrafting part, lol

I think that I am a Schizoid and Avoidant. But, I also have cyclothymia, somedays thinking "I hate everyone" and some days thinking "I wish I could relate to everyone!" Some days I am able to conquer my avoidant fear and I socialize, but then I think about what the other person must've thought about what I said, and that freaks me out so then I clam up. Some days I am just a Schizoid and purposely try not to talk to anyone.

I dunno, but at the end of this I just remembered this and I feel like it's important. I did have a boyfriend once...for about 3 days. It was at a summer camp and we were both ridiculously shy. The rest of the oh-so-supportive camp decided to pair us up and he ended up actually liking me. He attempted to keep in touch after camp, and I was afraid at first of hurting his feelings so I kind of sent back messages. After about a week I started getting scared of sending him messages...Im not sure why...but I cut off all contact with him suddenly and never talked to him again. I also really try to avoid going over to peoples houses that invite me over. Because (if I am one) I'm a covert Schizoid, Im really good at making people think I care about what their saying. So they think I enjoy their company. So they think we're friends, and try to invite me over, naturally. I never want to come over though. I pretend I didn't get their texts, Oh, I didn't have internet, I have something going on. The only person I don't often make these excuses for is with Amanda, although sometimes it happens.

So...what do you think? I'm aware it may be the whole when you read about something, you immediately think you have it. But I really tried to be honest.

 

[JocktheMotie]

What the hell is it with this girl Amanda.

 

[Lile]

It's a good question, honestly. Not 100% sure. I went to a private school, and she went there as well. When forced in a room with a small amount of strangers you tend to make friends weather you want to or not. We were both loners, but really I don't remember much before 3rd grade other than I had no friends and hated recess from K-3rd grade. And we met in 2nd, so...yeah. I think it had something to do with she shared her "secrets" with me, her parents were divorced, she didn't do well in school, she had suicidal thoughts. I was just who she talked to, she didn't want me to come over and tell her it was all right. And that sits well with me, I guess.

 

[figsfiggyfigs]

I'm never naming my child Amanda.

 

[VagrantFarce]

I related to a lot of this. Excuse the wall of text, it's a bit of a brain-fart.

First off, let me say that these worries you have about fitting in and saying stupid things and not being courageous enough are things that everyone goes through in their life, at all sorts of different ages. I bet a lot of the people you know are going through the same thing, including people much older than you. So please don't feel bad about that, because you're not alone.

Also don't worry yourself over all these disorders, they're just diagnostic tools and are fairly arbitrary. Don't think that they define you, because they don't - they're there to help locate the root of the problem, which you already seem to be well aware of without the diagnosis.

From what I've read, you basically seem to be a very quiet and imaginative person. You have very little confidence because you've been made to feel bad about yourself. Would that be accurate?

It's tough growing up when you feel as if you aren't like everyone else. What you need to remind yourself is that there's nothing wrong with being different. Everyone has intrinsic value, and it's up to you to define and offer that. You know all of those people who proudly flaunt their "normality" and how well they fit in? They're too afraid to be themselves. They're too afraid of not fitting in. So they act "normal" to mask their lack of faith in themselves. If they look down on you, they're not worth your energy.

In order to gain confidence, the best treatment is to simply condition yourself to believe in who you are and what you have to offer. Check out Cognitive behavioral therapy if you haven't, maybe even raise the subject with your therapist next time you see him. Hopefully he's one of the good ones.

Try to recognise that everyone is different in their own way, not just yourself but everyone around you - and that is something to revel in.

 

[Lile]

First off, let me say that these worries you have about fitting in and saying stupid things and not being courageous enough are things that everyone goes through in their life, at all sorts of different ages. I bet a lot of the people you know are going through the same thing, including people much older than you. So please don't feel bad about that, because you're not alone.

You sound like my mother. I'm just saying, it's not a bad thing.

Also don't worry yourself over all these disorders, they're just diagnostic tools and are fairly arbitrary. Don't think that they define you, because they don't - they're there to help locate the root of the problem, which you already seem to be well aware of without the diagnosis.

I worry about everything...so it's hard not to. I tend to jump to conclusions when I read things, so I think that's what happened here.

From what I've read, you basically seem to be a very quiet and imaginative person. You have very little confidence because you've been made to feel bad about yourself. Would that be accurate?

I don't know about made to feel bad about myself. I just over analyze others, thinking they're like me and read everything they can about a person, expecting the worst. I've only recently realized that others just don't care enough to read people deeply.

It's tough growing up when you feel as if you aren't like everyone else. What you need to remind yourself is that there's nothing wrong with being different. Everyone has intrinsic value, and it's up to you to define and offer that. You know all of those people who proudly flaunt their "normality" and how well they fit in? They're too afraid to be themselves. They're too afraid of not fitting in. So they act "normal" to mask their lack of faith in themselves. If they look down on you, they're not worth your energy.

Again, very mother-esque. I'm waiting for someone to say "Your frontal cortex isn't developed!" Which I know may be why I feel this way.

In order to gain confidence, the best treatment is to simply condition yourself to believe in who you are and what you have to offer. Check out Cognitive behavioral therapy if you haven't, maybe even raise the subject with your therapist next time you see him. Hopefully he's one of the good ones.

Try to recognise that everyone is different in their own way, not just yourself but everyone around you - and that is something to revel in.

I had to research that, and I think that's what he does. My dad had ADHD, so they thought I might have it. Lo and Behold, I do! He never suggested I pop a pill to make it better, he made me talk about how it felt and whatnot. Offered advice sometimes, but mainly I let him talk and theorize. He thinks I'm amazing at avoiding his questions, haha. Once he asked me something that was meant to be a "trap" question, but I somehow got out of it with a lot of "it depends" and "I'm not sure what you meant."

And to all of you thinking Amanda is wierd, she isn't. She's normal, like any other teenager. It seems like all kids these days have her problems Or at least the majority.

Im also sorry if my thoughts are a little hard to follow, I hate editing. I only have the attention span to write it!

 

[Mole]

A Personality Disorder is a mental illness. This means that someone with a Personality Disorder is out of touch with reality.

And in my opinion, you wouldn't be able to conduct this conversation if you were out of touch with reality.

 

[Lile]

I would have to respectfully disagree, but I do see what you mean. It's just disconcerting when people always ask "why are you so quiet? why don't you talk?" And the answer is just "I don't feel a need to. Why do you need to talk?" People just look at me like I've done something wrong, and that makes me extremely uncomfortable. And its wonderful that something like that happens and then I read about this... (sarcasm)

I do have to add, I'd never talk to people about this in real life. Over the internet I don't feel like any of you are real humans, though I know you are.

I tend to wonder about things a lot (if you haven't noticed) and being 'out of touch with reality' doesn't mean I huddle in the corner not knowing what's real. When I play World of Warcraft, it's hard to break me away from it, and for a while I'm left feeling like I'm still Assaelile, my Night Elf Druid. I spend more time on the computer than anything else, trying to not be 'here' in a sense. I'm not sure how that relates to my previous statement. But I feel like it's relevant, so I'll leave it there.

 

[miss fortune]

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."- mark twain

 

[Lile]

I'm just going to say, I just got finished talking with someone and explained all this. The response was seriously "it makes sense, but there's nothing wrong with that?" And I just thought, Wow. They're right. So what I like being alone sometimes and daydream excessively. As long as it doesn't become extreme, there's nothing wrong with that...

Sometimes I feel like I'm just a slight hypochondriac. But aren't we all.

Anyways, I'm sorry if I wasted any of your time, I hope I at least gave you an interesting read. At least I dissuaded myself of this before I did anything that could harm me.
Have a good night!

 

[Elfa]

It's just disconcerting when people always ask "why are you so quiet? why don't you talk?"

It's just so annoying when that happens!! That used to happen to me A LOT!
Hum...
I think I was too hard on me, I used to get too anxious and I couldn't think of anything to say. If I thought of something, that wasn't good enought to be said, so I didn't say it. So I stayed in silence and people found me weird. So they asked me to speak and I got even more anxious and my mind would go completely blank. I don't know if it's like that for you, but it is how it was for me.

Yeah, some people say everyone has passed through something like that, but, well... Knowing that didn't help me much. "Don't worry, be happy", has never helped me anything, but to make me feel even worse of not being able to not worry and just being happy.

I've identified myself with the avoidant personality disorder before... I think I could fit in the wikipedia description when I was younger, but I'm not like that anymore. ^^

You've got many high rates to disorders... o.o But I wouldn't take those tests seriously...

I used to stay a lot in my inner fantasy worlds too... But they were really fantasy worlds xD. And I played MMORPGs too... I don't know if those were ways of escaping... I just thought I liked daydreaming and playing. '-' Anyway, I stopped with the MMORPGs and excessive fantasy worlds eventually. Without them, I feel my mind is more in the here and now and I can pay more attention to what was happening around me and to the people around me, and so I can socialize more. It actually helped me being more there for people. I still daydream, but not as much as before.

I've seen it's ok to want to be alone sometimes and to feel some things sometimes... And that has helped me the most.

Just wanted to share my experience, which seems to be kinda similar...

 

[Mole]

I don't feel like any of you are real humans

And some of us aren't, for on the internet no one knows you're a dog.

 

[Elfa]

And some of us aren't, for on the internet no one knows you're a dog.

I'm a baby dragon.

 

[Mal12345]

Nothing like a good therapist to keep you believing in your disorder to keep you coming back for more and more sessions. It's really the therapist who is the needy one. Testing will cause you to sink deeper into your symptoms.

 

[Elfa]

Nothing like a good therapist to keep you believing in your disorder to keep you coming back for more and more sessions. It's really the therapist who is the needy one. Testing will cause you to sink deeper into your symptoms.

It really depends on the therapist. The bad ones may do that, but good professionals will know when their patient is fine and does not need them anymore. At least is what my therapist has done last week, she said her work is by objectives, so I needed I new objective, since I've reached the one that made me go there. Since I didn't have any new objective at the moment, she suggested me living without the therapy and calling her if ever thought I needed it. She a comportamental psychologist.

But tests do really suck sometimes.

 

[Mal12345]

It really depends on the therapist. The bad ones may do that, but good professionals will know when their patient is fine and does not need them anymore. At least is what my therapist has done last week, she said her work is by objectives, so I needed I new objective, since I've reached the one that made me go there. Since I didn't have any new objective at the moment, she suggested me living without the therapy and calling her if ever thought I needed it. She a comportamental psychologist.

But tests do really suck sometimes.

"Comportamental" is an obscure term. What does it mean?

 

[Elfa]

"Comportamental" is an obscure term. What does it mean?

I'm so sorry!!! I used a portuguese term! xD

She is a radical behaviorist psychologist. Another name for that is behavior analyst.

(comportamental=behaviorist)

 

[Mal12345]

I'm so sorry!!! I used a portuguese term! xD

She is a radical behaviorist psychologist. Another name for that is behavior analyst.

(comportamental=behaviorist)

You mean radical as in stimulus/response?

 

[Elfa]

You mean radical as in stimulus/response?

Hum... I'm not sure what you mean with that...

I mean radical in contrast with methodological behaviorism (from Watson). I think the methodological behaviorism is the stimulus/response one you are referring to.

Here is the wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radical_behaviorism