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  1. #31
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    6w5 sp/sx


    Thank you all for the thoughts - I have been reading all of them, I just haven't gotten around to responding to them... but they are interesting and appreciated...
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


  2. #32
    flowing quietly by River's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009


    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Well, in my case this thread was partially (largely) inspired by a "friendship". Someone considerably younger than me - I've been more of a mentor to her though she wants to view it as an equal friendship. (I had friendships when I was her age - ie. 20 - with people 15 years or more older, so it can be done.) She has Borderline Personality Disorder traits. Extremely clingy, tries to introduce herself into all aspects of my life, very invasive, doesn't respect boundaries, etc etc. I've had talks with her about her behaviour to the point of becoming physically ill over it, have set firm boundaries, etc. And it's just, I don't think she's able to respect my boundaries. She may want to - she claims to want to - but the behaviour consistently indicates otherwise. And I'm tired of the conflict. It's no lie when they say INFJs can become ill from constant conflict. not to speak of the fact that it's not much fun having your boundaries constantly disrespected and violated.

    So I'm thinking to tell her that the "friendship" is off, effectively, and we need to move it to the level of acquaintanceship. (I can't cut her out completely as I see her semi-regularly). This, of course, is exactly what she fears and will confirm her worst fears - ie. the worst fears that make her so clingy and unbearable to be around. But I've been negotiating with her like this, and having constant conflicts (to the point of screaming "leave me alone" at her because she'd followed me and wouldn't go even when I calmly asked her to leave), for a year and a half.

    It's a completely different ball game, but I suppose I also had in mind the abusive spouse who constantly says he/she will change. There can be threats to life and limb there and so I don't think giving people indefinite chances is a good idea.

    I'm going to advocate a doorslam here. Simply put this person is poison to you.

    Having to see her semi-regularly is an excuse, having to see someone does not mean having to interact.

    The burden of carrying this person is a stone around your neck. It is making you ill. Sticking around is only giving her approval for her behaviour and reducing the chance of change.

    Letting go can be damn hard but this relationship is not worth it for either of you.

    Hard to be sure how much I'm projecting here as been there, done that, spent time being ill because of it (so not just an INFJ thing =p) My mother actually. Disowning her is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Dear god how much lighter i felt afterwards. After i left she actually got therapy, ditched the abusive boyfriend and has cleaned up her life significantly. I'll never trust her again. Have to see her unfortunately for another 7years or so at least as i have siblings still at home. But... i get it. You may feel responsible, the only thing preventing her from falling. Tough as it may be to accept if she does try and suicide if you walk away it may actually get her the help she needs.


    Things might go better if you write her a letter and hand it over when telling her the friendship is ending. Saves the hysterical shouting match with a simple "my reasons are within" followed by a quick exit. Gives her something to look over later and perhaps show to the therapist as well.

    Good luck.

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