Apology preferences?

[Giggly]

I think an apology is almost completely for the apologizer, versus the apologizee.....and therefore it matters not so much how someone apologizes, but that they do it sincerely, because it can be very healing for them, and also bring an intensity and catharsis to relating with another person.

Yeah I agree except it's healing for me too if I am the apologizee.

This is a very good point. When answering the test questions, I found I preferred apologies in which the person offers to correct the situation or prevent its recurrence, but almost as often I looked for those that indicated the person had learned from the experience. They are related in that it is easier to fix something if you understand it, but this also ties to the healing you mention.

Yes, I feel this way too. I'm very forgiving and patient but if I get to the point where I feel like someone is incapable of fixing an intolerable situation anymore, then I usually don't care about an apology anymore and I'd rather just not deal with them anymore.

 

[TenebrousReflection]

I think a lot of people don't care about or want apologies at all if they have been offended. It's no coincidence that these also happen to be the same people who have trouble apologizing to others for offending them. I'd be curious what people like this do want instead.

I probably fit into this category. It is not so much that I don't want an apology, but rather that I seldom feel offended. I just don't take many things personally. The flip side of this is that if I offend someone else, I might not realize it at all, and therefore have no idea that I should apologize. So, your observation is correct, but perhaps with different reasons underlying it.

I'm a lot like that as well. If I realize I've offended someone I feel bad and want to apologize for it, but sometimes I offend without realizing it, and those same things would be very unlikely to offend me if the situation were flipped.

How can you possibly have 3 internal processes, almost tied in importance, as main cognitive functions?

Not surprising....I just need an apology, that's all:

Sorry bout that and thanks for pointing it out. Those numbers were from quite a while ago and probably also represented one of my less normal moods . I re-took a different cognitive function test and updated the results.

I think an apology is almost completely for the apologizer, versus the apologizee.....and therefore it matters not so much how someone apologizes, but that they do it sincerely, because it can be very healing for them, and also bring an intensity and catharsis to relating with another person.

To say that the true value an apology may be to the conscience of the apologizer may have some truth to it, but recieving an apology is also recognition that your feelings are being thought of and I think thats a pretty important part of it as well (at least for me).

 

[Snow Turtle]

I scored relatively highly on the asking forgiveness factor. I figured this is reflected in my need to want to place the relationship in a better place, despite the hurt caused by problems. As the person asking for forgiveness, I do so in hope that the person acknowledges and accepts that the relationship is still healthy. In the reverse situation, a person asking for forgiveness would be someone that is expressing that the relationship to be in a healthier place. Of course, this is all tied nicely to the fact that my love language is words of affirmation and quality time.

If I no longer care about a relationship or person. Number 5 would not matter so much to me. A person can express guilt over a mistake, they can admit their mistake and even be perfectly capable of stopping such behaviour in the long run, but that doesn't actually say anything about whether they want the relationship to be in a happier place in my mind. Guess it's the reason why some apologies can feel a little empty even if someone says sorry. They're just expressing and experiencing guilt, but it might not be connected at all to the other person who has been hurt.

Actually I'm not sure anymore. I confused myself somewhere writing all that.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I scored relatively highly on the asking forgiveness factor. I figured this is reflected in my need to want to place the relationship in a better place, despite the hurt caused by problems. As the person asking for forgiveness, I do so in hope that the person acknowledges and accepts that the relationship is still healthy. In the reverse situation, a person asking for forgiveness would be someone that is expressing that the relationship to be in a healthier place. Of course, this is all tied nicely to the fact that my love language is words of affirmation and quality time.

If I no longer care about a relationship or person. Number 5 would not matter so much to me. A person can express guilt over a mistake, they can admit their mistake and even be perfectly capable of stopping such behaviour in the long run, but that doesn't actually say anything about whether they want the relationship to be in a happier place in my mind. Guess it's the reason why some apologies can feel a little empty even if someone says sorry. They're just expressing and experiencing guilt, but it might not be connected at all to the other person who has been hurt.

Actually I'm not sure anymore. I confused myself somewhere writing all that.

Exactly. The apology is therefore really about (and for) the apologizer, not the apologizee. This is actually what "apology" means:

Apologetics (from Greek ἀπολογία, "speaking in defense") is the discipline of defending a position (often religious) through the systematic use of reason.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Your Scores
4 Expressing Regret
4 Accepting Responsibility
8 Making Restitution
2 Genuinely Repenting
2 Requesting Forgiveness

I also tended to pick the shortest apologies. Some were so extensive and emotionally convoluted that it would almost make me feel like apologizing just to have contributed to such an upheaval. I tend to go into a non-emotional place when dealing with conflict resolution and get direct and simple even to a fault. I think I generally like the idea of simple, direct apologies that make restitution when possible. An emotional apology alone doesn't demonstrate sincerity unless the person bothers to try to fix it. It's too easy to make an emotional display in place of having behavior that demonstrates trust.

 

[Totenkindly]

It's funny seeing all the differences and also the criticisms of various styles of apology... especially because I greatly respect some of the people in this thread who are critiquing other apology styles in explaining why those styles do not work for them. I appreciate hearing it, so I can better understand the perspective(s) out there.

I guess the thing for me is that I place a lot of value in understanding the underlying truth of the situation, and being honest enough oneself to understand it... but typically I do not need to demand restitution in order to resolve the situation. It's like they hurt me / wounded me in some way, which was wrong; but my goal is not to have them make things better for me, my goal is for them to become a better person. I feel comfortable with the types of apologies that work for me (expressing regret, accepting responsibility) because it conforms to my goal in the situation: For them to realize what they did wrong, and for them to become better people. I don't need them to do anything for me typically, and often feel kind of unsettled if they do because it's really not about me. I don't know why I am this way; I do know if they get over their issue and become better, it's good for me in the long run and no gift now will be better than that.

Note the caveats here:

- if someone is just rattling off some cold assessment of the situation, I can read that, and I know it hasn't motivated them to change and become better, and so I'll still be upset. They might be perceptive, but they're still a flake no matter how one looks at it.

- if someone says, "i'm responsible," but that doesn't motivate them to change their behavior or do something to show that acceptance of responsibility, then it's garbage. I remember watching presidential debates before the election, where people were "taking responsibility," but you could tell by the context and how they said it and what they did NOT do afterwards (or DID do) that it meant nothing to them, which just made me angry watching them. What did it actually mean to "take responsibility"?

- as far as what apologies I give to others, I give them what they want if I'm sorry. I might also apologize in the way I prefer, but I know if they need a tangible sign, etc., or reparation, then I will do that because I know it's what they need to feel better and for the relationship to be restored.

 

[highlander]

5 Genuinely Repenting
5 Requesting Forgiveness
4 Expressing Regret
4 Accepting Responsibility
2 Making Restitution

In cased there is any correlation

10 Words of Affirmation
10 Physical Touch
7 Quality Time
1 Receiving Gifts
2 Acts of Service

 

[Coriolis]

I guess the thing for me is that I place a lot of value in understanding the underlying truth of the situation, and being honest enough oneself to understand it... but typically I do not need to demand restitution in order to resolve the situation. It's like they hurt me / wounded me in some way, which was wrong; but my goal is not to have them make things better for me, my goal is for them to become a better person. I feel comfortable with the types of apologies that work for me (expressing regret, accepting responsibility) because it conforms to my goal in the situation: For them to realize what they did wrong, and for them to become better people. I don't need them to do anything for me typically, and often feel kind of unsettled if they do because it's really not about me. I don't know why I am this way; I do know if they get over their issue and become better, it's good for me in the long run and no gift now will be better than that.

When I speak of restitution, I don't mean doing something extra by means of compensation, or an active gesture. I mean doing what they can to fix what they broke; to clean up the mess they made. As a simple example, if someone loses a book I lent them, they can replace it. If they let me take the blame for their error at work, they can go to the boss and set the record straight.

Sometimes they can't fix it, though, and more importantly, I want them to learn from the situation so it doesn't happen again. This starts with what you call understanding the underlying truth with honesty. Honest understanding (hopefully) leads to accepting responsibility, wanting to do better, and working to make it so. Yes, it is about the other person learning and growing, but it is about me as well - me in the future, though, not in the past. We can't do anything about what is past, but we can still affect the future. That is all I expect, but I do expect it.

- if someone says, "i'm responsible," but that doesn't motivate them to change their behavior or do something to show that acceptance of responsibility, then it's garbage. I remember watching presidential debates before the election, where people were "taking responsibility," but you could tell by the context and how they said it and what they did NOT do afterwards (or DID do) that it meant nothing to them

Absolutely. Politicians are masters of this type of empty apology. Actions speak louder than words.

 

[Rail Tracer]

[MENTION=7]Jennifer[/MENTION]

I think I've known too many people who weren't willing to accept responsibility in real life, and that is probably the reasoning behind why I'd pick taking responsibility. In most cases, the other person (or I) weren't willing to admit that something was wrong. That, alone, leads to trust issues throughout the spectrum. If the other person wasn't willing to admit it, why should I? Why should I be the one taking responsibility for that person's actions?

Taking responsibility does need to have some backing but not in the form of making restitution. Making restitution makes me think of "I did something wrong, now take this for my failure." In some ways, it feels like a mockery of the current situation.

Expressing regret is similar to taking taking responsibility but not quite. I know you regret what you did, but I want you to tell me that you were wrong. You aren't the true victim of your actions.

Genuinely repenting, although genuine, I can't always see that (note: Taking Responsibility.) I mean, there are people who are sooo good at looking like they are genuinely repenting for what they have done, but they wind up at square one again later.

----------------------

Though circumstances are circumstances, I'll let things fly depending on those circumstances because some things just can't be controlled.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I guess the thing for me is that I place a lot of value in understanding the underlying truth of the situation, and being honest enough oneself to understand it... but typically I do not need to demand restitution in order to resolve the situation. It's like they hurt me / wounded me in some way, which was wrong; but my goal is not to have them make things better for me, my goal is for them to become a better person. I feel comfortable with the types of apologies that work for me (expressing regret, accepting responsibility) because it conforms to my goal in the situation: For them to realize what they did wrong, and for them to become better people. I don't need them to do anything for me typically, and often feel kind of unsettled if they do because it's really not about me. I don't know why I am this way; I do know if they get over their issue and become better, it's good for me in the long run and no gift now will be better than that.

This is a very kind approach and applies to those harms that can't be fixed.

I think I get a bit matter-of-fact when it comes to someone harming me. If someone breaks something and doesn't make restitution, then I will be less likely to invite them into a position where they could break the same thing again. I can still like the person, but won't feel like I can relax if they cause problems and don't correct them. I think for myself if I feel badly about something I've done it helps me to correct it. I think that can give people the most complete sense of resolution. I guess I'm not sure what it means to make an apology without any intention of correcting the situation. I'm not sure what that feeling and action is because I don't experience it unless it is embarrassment and avoidance.

edit: I keep thinking about this thread and your response [MENTION=7]Jennifer[/MENTION]. I was wondering if equating forgiveness with restitution could be viewed as a withholding attitude - to not extend forgive until the person cleans it up. When I think of it, it is more like picturing someone knocking over and breaking something of mine, saying an apology and just leaving in cases when they had it within their control to make a more meaningful response. That would be genuinely confusing to me - at best amusing and at worst upsetting as though no apology occurred.

 

[Totenkindly]

Still letting everything sit in my head here as I ponder it, there are lots of good comments in this thread; but as far as my part goes, I just realized that I very much trust my intuition / sense of people to tell me what their intentions are (I think I can detect inconsistency and duplicity in their response). Because of this, I don't really need the external signs as a sign of proof -- I don't need to control or demand anything -- if i sense the heart is right and wants to make amends. So that frees me up to be more flexible in my forgiveness.

I also can think of a few times where I would refuse to accept an apology because I knew the person either didn't mean it or would not commit to actually following through on their good intentions, and that was intolerable; or where I turned away a gift because I felt like I was being placated or "bought out" rather than the person giving me something out of remorse and with intent to improve.

I remember complaining about my roommate a few weeks ago, because I was feeling that way -- many many slights, let-downs, disappointments, etc., where she did not live up to her side of the friendship, and stupid little signals (like hugging me and saying she loved me, or buying me a meal) did nothing to improve my bad feelings because I felt as if I were being purchased without any intent to change or true exploration of the problems. When she finally did have the courage to ask me why I was upset and face my potential anger, and she apologized on her own for some of the things without making excuses or justifying her failures, then I felt better.... as if she finally realized what she had done and why I was so hurt, and I do know that she doesn't meant to hurt me.

However, like I think Fia said, while I have forgiven her for those things she showed awareness of and apologized for, I still can't make myself as vulnerable because -- while her intentions are good -- I believe she still isn't quite trustworthy due to her willingness to sacrifice what I need for what she wants, at times. When she wants something for herself, she just can't bring herself to say "no" even if it is at someone else's expense. I just sense her heart is still focused on herself in some ways.

 

[cascadeco]

7 Expressing Regret
6 Accepting Responsibility
4 Making Restitution
3 Genuinely Repenting
0 Requesting Forgiveness

I don't think that I was off-the-charts strong in any one, because the examples in the test were so situational. The 'expressing regret' mode was preferable in several scenarios, but in other scenarios that sort of apology was more distasteful to me and seemed to miss the mark as to the heart of the particular matter and impact/repercussions the matter had on me or on a deliverable.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

However, like I think Fia said, while I have forgiven her for those things she showed awareness of and apologized for, I still can't make myself as vulnerable because -- while her intentions are good -- I believe she still isn't quite trustworthy due to her willingness to sacrifice what I need for what she wants, at times. When she wants something for herself, she just can't bring herself to say "no" even if it is at someone else's expense. I just sense her heart is still focused on herself in some ways.

That sounds like an especially difficult scenario because the words and actions are out of sync which makes trust confusing and the let downs more fresh. As I was thinking about examples from my experience, I'd have to say that except for close relationships in which conflict resolution with apologies and forgiveness are always worked out, I don't think people often apologize. My interactions with people are limited to my close relationships of very few people and then interactions at work. I don't typically have casual friends, and so I can see for the most part my answers were hypothetical because of this, but there are a few instances where I would have preferred an apology and change of behavior. I still distance myself when someone crosses a line, but I think of it a bit like if I were working with hyenas where people are acting according to their nature which may be safe or unsafe for me. There is one part of me that is distanced beyond judgment of them, but if I am connected in a personal way then I tend to need mutual trust that is really reliable.

 

[Porcelain Hearts]

Woah that took so much mental energy and introspection to complete that test... *drained*

8 Expressing Regret
7 Accepting Responsibility
2 Making Restitution
3 Genuinely Repenting
0 Requesting Forgiveness

It's interesting when I was analysing why I chose my answers, they were based on real people scenarios. I connected my mother to what she found hardest to do which was accepting responsibility, my brother's hardest time to express regret, etc. so it's biased to what's unexpected of the individual for me. Same thinking for past experiences with an ex whom exhausted regret yet continued to hurt me (because of him, 2 pts to restitution). That's how I've learned when it's really genuine. It becomes dependent on the person..

 

[highlander]

I think most people don't apologize at all and so any kind of apology is 100x better than none regardless as to what kind. Maybe that is why I don't have much of a preference for what kind.

 

[Rail Tracer]

I think most people don't apologize at all and so any kind of apology is 100x better than none regardless as to what kind. Maybe that is why I don't have much of a preference for what kind.

Not if the apology did not mean much or anything to the person apologizing. I rather take no apology than an apology that is empty.

 

[highlander]

Not if the apology did not mean much or anything to the person apologizing. I rather take no apology than an apology that is empty.

That's a judgment though the basis of which is not always so easily discerned, relating to another person's underlying motivations and sincerity.

 

[Rail Tracer]

That's a judgment though the basis of which is not always so easily discerned, relating to another person's underlying motivations and sincerity.

Depends on situation and what has happened thus far.

A person saying sorry without knowing what he/she did is like saying I'm sorry just because....whatever.

 

[CuriousFeeling]

5 Expressing Regret
9 Accepting Responsibility
4 Making Restitution
2 Genuinely Repenting
0 Requesting Forgiveness

You have chosen Accepting Responsibility as your primary Apology Language. What you are looking for in an apology is maturity. You most want to hear the offending party say, I was wrong and I take responsibility for my actions.

 

[garbage]

I prefer to apologize in whatever way makes me feel free to admit that I was a dumbass or hardass, or whatever it is that I was.

If I get a sense that the other person is going to be judgmental, then I'll bare less of the soul. .. unless I feel like I truly deserve to be bared and judged, that is. I know I deserve something. Basically, I would ideally want to communicate that I know I was wrong and receive fair 'punishment,' and no more.