social anxiety

[knight]

how do you deal with it?

 

[Phantonym]

Mental preparation. I might feel anxious even around people I've known for years, so I like to feel that I'm somewhat prepared for anything in advance. If it's some kind of a social gathering in a familiar place and/or with familiar people, I can envision myself in the place, I can choose several spots in that place to call "my own" for the evening to sort of get support from or I can stay nearby people I feel comfortable with when there are also strangers around. I can imagine what might happen during the evening based on my previous knowledge of the people or I can play with different scenarios of how people might act and how I could keep myself from letting the anxiety overcome me. Everything is tentative, of course, but I just try to mentally prepare myself for any kind of social interaction. When I arrive to the place, I take a while to gather myself and get used to the scene and then just fight with the anxiety.

If it's an unfamiliar place with strangers, I can also play with different scenarios to help me keep prepared for things to come. I just try to remind myself that I have every right to be there/anywhere, I have value as a person, I have something to offer and I can be thankful for the opportunity to learn something and overcome myself yet again if I feel anxious. I try to keep myself attuned to not letting the anxiety take over me and I try to remind myself of the times when I've been successful in the past, I just try to feel the same feeling when I did then.

 

[skylights]

^ mental prep actually makes me more nervous, lol.

for me, it's reminding myself that my own happiness is what's important, and that people can take or leave me as they please; it doesn't matter because ultimately i am the one who decides if i am happy, myself. it's not up to others' opinions. so i guess i build up my own self-confidence, essentially - i tend to be really nervous about people (especially groups) not liking me, and i have to center myself and remind myself that i like me and that's all that really matters.

and then the cool thing that happens is once i've locked down on that idea, i can open up more easily and be less nervous and more okay with silly stuff that happens, like tripping over words or awkwardness or whatever.

having a good friend or family member at social events helps me, also. they are like a "rock" of stability that i can trust to still be cool with me, even if everyone else spontaneously decides to ostracize me.

 

[Stanton Moore]

Get some exercise.

 

[gromit]

I get a little bit anxious calling strangers on the phone at work asking for something when I cannot see how they are reacting. I write out the points I'm going to say, focus on talking slowly and clearly, breathing.

 

[prplchknz]

i agree with the person who said mental prep can make a person more nervous, as it does the same for me. I find it's best just to do it without thinking if you can. and that's hard.

 

[Qlip]

I just jump in, sink or swim. Thinking too much about it will probably make me bail.

 

[Redbone]

^Same here.

Sometimes it goes well. Sometimes it doesn't.

I do admit that I try to limit my social interaction.

 

[INTPness]

Get some exercise.

This really does help. If I don't exercise, I feel lethargic and lazy = apathetic. If I've recently had a good, intense workout (45 minutes or more), I feel more alive, alert, and engaged - and I'm able to relax more and also my humor comes out more.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

When I audition for a play. I pretty much go in with the mentality that at some point in this process there will be a "point of no return" and once I reach that and cross it I have no choice but to succeed.

 

[Beargryllz]

Get really drunk so I can talk to people, then cry the next day

 

[ThatGirl]

I am a prep person. I will find myself completely turning off or checking out if I don't have a back up plan, escape route, or default setting (pre reherased answers to topics I am willing to discuss). For some reason, just knowing I can bail any second I want to causes me to think, "alright I can handle five more minutes," and knowing there is an end right around the corner makes me relax a little. I end up participating longer and more comfortably than I thought I would.

 

[Lily flower]

I have turned from a complete social introvert with major social anxiety into a very outgoing person. Although I am an INFJ, I have been told that I remind people of an ENFP, so it is quite a change.

Anyway, these are the 3 things that made the biggest difference:

1) I read a ton of books on body language, social skills and confidence. Having this info. really helped me to feel more confident in my social interactions.
2) I practiced. Whenever I have the opportunity to be with people I don't know in a new group, I tell myself that it is practice time and I pretend I'm an extrovert and chat people up. I always thought people would be able to see right through me, but instead they see me as friendly and respond well to me.
3) I force myself not to overanalyze every social interaction that I have. I read in a book once that shy people will start out with a postive social memory, and then they will think about it and everything they said, etc. until they have turned the memory into a negative one. Overanalyzing conversations is a really bad trait to have. It just kills your self confidence.

 

[CzeCze]

^^ I think that's great and sound advice.

I would say if nothing else, practice and don't be hard on yourself.

The reason social anxiety perpetuates is the person who has it has crazy inaccurate perception and grossly negative self image. People in the grips of social anxiety, even after they muster up the courage to go out in public, will heap piles of shame and criticism on themselves about how much they FAILED - no matter how the actual interaction went. And while they are out in public they will be constantly telling themselves like, "you suck, you're so awkward, no body wants you here, etc." These are all destructive thought patterns and that's what causes the anxiety, not any kind of actual social interaction or behavior.

No one is as bad as they think they are. NO ONE.

Be forgiving of yourself, and if you feel awkward or uncomfortable, get over it. Almost everyone gets awkward once in a while. And everyone is someone else's 'weirdo'. Those terms "awkward, weird, etc." are practically meaningless. It's a secret that once you figure out will make life much easier for you.

So get rid of the negative thoughts and make gradual steps to get out there and the rest will fall into place.

 

[VagrantFarce]

Get some exercise.

Right here.

TBH the faster I get things done, the better and more capable / confident I feel. The less I get things done, the worse and less capable / confident I feel. It's just about getting up, getting out there and being fucking awesome instead of constantly worrying about it. You have to convince yourself that you're worth the effort, and EVERYONE is worth the effort.

 

[Stigmata]

how do you deal with it?

It's a process of gradually extending yourself further and further out of the comfort bubble you've created for yourself, but at such a pace as to not overwhelm yourself. Once you realize that the fears conjured in your mind were the most negative part of the experience, and in actuality things weren't so bad, it gradually gets better. Not that I actually follow any of my own advice in that area, I just recognize what it would take to fix it.

 

[Mal12345]

To start with, the worst social anxiety incident I ever had was a couple decades ago in college. All I had to do was introduce myself to the class on the first day, the same as everybody else there. But the sweat was literally pouring off me and pooling up before my turn came. No it wasn't hot in the room.

Eventually I became more socially active, and voila, a lot less social anxiety. I still prefer hanging out with small groups over being in large crowds. I was asked to karaoke at a party and they made me stand there singing for at least two hours. I was really nervous about it at first but I just jumped in, like diving into cold water in order to get used to the feeling. Pretty soon I warmed up to the idea.

Some posters above mentioned exercise, and yes anything that raises your testosterone levels helps boost self-confidence and ambition. As long as you don't overdo the exercise, as this will have the counter-effect of lowering testosterone levels. The 45 minute work-out mentioned is about right.

 

[uncommonentity]

Realize that nobody really gives a shit about strangers such as me and get on with what I want to get on with.

 

[mavericknm]

I have turned from a complete social introvert with major social anxiety into a very outgoing person. Although I am an INFJ, I have been told that I remind people of an ENFP, so it is quite a change.

Anyway, these are the 3 things that made the biggest difference:

1) I read a ton of books on body language, social skills and confidence. Having this info. really helped me to feel more confident in my social interactions.
2) I practiced. Whenever I have the opportunity to be with people I don't know in a new group, I tell myself that it is practice time and I pretend I'm an extrovert and chat people up. I always thought people would be able to see right through me, but instead they see me as friendly and respond well to me.
3) I force myself not to overanalyze every social interaction that I have. I read in a book once that shy people will start out with a postive social memory, and then they will think about it and everything they said, etc. until they have turned the memory into a negative one. Overanalyzing conversations is a really bad trait to have. It just kills your self confidence.

Been working on #2 a lot and love it.

I have a tendency of running through lots of conversation scenarios. I like to tread over potential topics of discussion and prepare some outs. But I've learned that these very very rarely get brought up and I end up treating as Lily's #2 suggests. It does however, give me the confidence to approach the situation.

 

[lane777]

Put the focus of the conversation on the other person.