Toxic people

[knight]

the ones that drain you emotionally, that make you feel awful for no reason or feel entitled and grief you to get what they want? the ones that detract from the value of your life?

"make her feel stupid so she will feel incomplete and need you" - cousin

they cannibalize the psyche of others for their own benefit.

aside from kicking their ass, how do you handle these monsters?

 

[Thalassa]

Yell at them. Tell them to piss off. Call them out on what they're doing.

I don't mean neurotic people who can't help it. There are some people who are needy emotional vampires because they're depressed or something.

But yeah, the people who do it on purpose cause they think it's amusing, show no mercy, no matter how much they try to turn it around like they're the victim.

I tend to do this with any guy who tries to pull PUA shit. "Oh you're being a bitch." "No, I'm just calling you out on what a psychologically raping emotionally unevolved fuckwit you are."

 

[Thalassa]

Oh, or you could just ignore them.

 

[Rail Tracer]

Yell at them. Tell them to piss off. Call them out on what they're doing.

I don't mean neurotic people who can't help it. There are some people who are needy emotional vampires because they're depressed or something.

But yeah, the people who do it on purpose cause they think it's amusing, show no mercy, no matter how much they try to turn it around like they're the victim.

I tend to do this with any guy who tries to pull PUA shit. "Oh you're being a bitch." "No, I'm just calling you out on what a psychologically raping emotionally unevolved fuckwit you are."

Oh, or you could just ignore them.

Either/or

Known a dude who liked putting other people down. Little did he know others were using him too. So I pretty much ignored him.

 

[Unkindloving]

I've had a long stint against one of these people. She's either an ENFJ gone wrong, or an ESFJ gone worse. She's an extremely convolouted creature. On one hand she'll throw heaps of negativity out in waves, but then say she's trying to keep ridiculously positive. She'll be insanely overbearing to get other to like her, then she'll disbelieve anything they say and hate on herself. She'll dish out tons of insults towards other people and their interests, but can't handle the slightest comment in her direction.
Basically, she is the embodiment of a lose-lose and then some.

For a while, I tried to stick it out and advise a little while surviving the friendship. It didn't work. I was left feeling like an irrelevant piece of dirt rather than a human being. I tried to zen out in the usual places like karaoke or the gym, but she'd be there to drain all of the positive vibes from every situation. I tried to incorporate my other friends into the mix, but most would come to the decision that they could only handle her in small doses. She would quickly get to the point of either dominating every ounce of interaction, or withdrawing into butthurtedness when attention was off of her for over a minute.
Honestly, I stopped going to all of the usual places because I didn't want to see her. I stopped texting her. When I see her now, I say my "Hello"s and ask how she is doing, but I prefer the distance at this point. It's turned into a forced aquaintanceship, purely based on the fact that she goes to the same places I do and I can't be that big of a jerk to completely avoid an emotional black cloud and still feel chilled.

Can't we just put them all on an island where they either fight to rehabilitate themselves.. or fight to the death?

I do find all of the other things to work if I'm not constantly faced with said culprit. Pointing out their BS. Ignoring. Etc. It's all fantastic. I just can't figure out how to do it when you see them practically 1x or more a week.

 

[Xenon]

I avoid them. Avoidance: the cause of and solution to all life's problems. If you're me, that is.

I don't know what I'd do if I ever found myself in a situation in which I had to interact with one frequently. I guess if I had a co-worker or something like that, I'd just stick to the work and try to ignore all the bullshit.

 

[ceecee]

I get even a slight whiff of this mentality, I call them on their bullshit. None of them have ever been given enough time to infect my life even a little bit. I have no interest whatsoever in fixing them or caring about them in any way.

 

[Saslou]

I'm slowly getting better at this. Unfortunately because i try and see the underlying issues and don't want people to suffer, i go out of my way in regards to offering support, even if it does drain me.

Although i've found it hard, i now realise i have to walk away and that they need to save themselves. You can call them on their bullshit all you like but once in that frame of mind of being right all the time, nothing you say will make a blind bit of difference.

I wish you luck.

 

[Jaguar]

aside from kicking their ass, how do you handle these monsters?

Nurse?
Yes, Doctor?
Scalpel.

 

[Ginkgo]

I think everyone has a choice to engage with toxic people or not. There's always a way to take a middle path, and neither draw them in closer to you by avoiding them, or getting closer yourself. Usually, with those sorts, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, and you feel like a prisoner. It's hard to pull off, but I've seen many a bright individuals do a slow Houdini move with the most unnerving people. We're talking severe personality disordered with no regard for others, in professional, confined settings. It may take time; dispatching them immediately with full force tends to be counterproductive. It's a sign that even though you're attempting to remove them from your life, you're still caught and fixated on the problem. Communication can tighten people together or ease them away from each other. In any case, it's critical to progression. Once you feel your will is your own, and they're no longer a concern, it will be reflected in your relationship with them, if there is one at all.

 

[Ginkgo]

"make her feel stupid so she will feel incomplete and need you" - cousin

That's some calculated bullshit right there, and if I were you, I would call her out on principle.

 

[Chiharu]

Withdraw from them mentally and emotionally. Don't let them elicit any reaction from you, they feed off this too. Of course, kicking their ass is far more satisfying.

 

[mrcockburn]

I don't. I cut them out of my life pronto.

 

[kyuuei]

the ones that drain you emotionally, that make you feel awful for no reason or feel entitled and grief you to get what they want? the ones that detract from the value of your life?

"make her feel stupid so she will feel incomplete and need you" - cousin

they cannibalize the psyche of others for their own benefit.

aside from kicking their ass, how do you handle these monsters?

Toxic people are something I've tried to develop a system for for a long time... Usually, my gut instincts help me out a lot with this, but in the past I've ignored them due to many reasons, all of which were stupid, and I've had them trickle into my life. From time to time, I have to deal with them now-a-days.

To give a few examples:

An ex-boyfriend was extremely toxic, and I finally rid myself of him too long ago.. 5 years (nearly) later, he wants to be my friend on FB and say whats up and how it's awful we don't ever talk anymore, etc. While it seems as though he was being nice, and I'd be a bitch (maybe in others' eyes), I called him out on his shit and told him not to fuckin' bother. The result: The good-ole Dr. Seuss Saying.. with matters and minds and whatnot. It came out in my favor.

A co-worker was shamming, and just generally being in a negative damper.. it was affecting my shop and my team that I was running. I collected data, recorded situations, talked to my most trusted employee so I'd have vouchers and eye-witness testimony as well, and then took it all up with the boss. I dealt with it as best as I could until then. When he told me to try and handle it myself, I took her out in the back for a little misunderstanding. One time, she tried to sham on writing tickets, the 'hardest' thing we did (aka: simple math via calculators must be done.).. I assigned her to that for the whole day, since my hips were killing me too much that day (usually I did it since it's the worst job). She pawned it off on another co-worker while my back was turned and walked in the back for no reason, again. I walk back there.
Me: I said write tickets, as in the whole day, not until Jes gets back.
Her: DOn't start with me! I am NOT in a good mood, and I don't need this attitude!
Me: ALRIGHT. I've had e-fucking-nough. You're coming with me, we're grabbing Dominic, and I'm going to the head of (company) RIGHT now. Both of us cannot work at this shop, and you are LEECHING our income while doing nothing all fucking day! ONE of us will leave here today, and I'm confident it won't be me! Can you say the same!?
Her: ... I-
Me: I fucking thought so. You move so much as 2 feet from that ticket book, you're fucking done, you hear me?!

Something along those lines was said.. Now here's where I'm still stuck with these toxic personnel..

My sister's mother-in-law: EXTREMELY volatile, toxic manic-depressive woman. Drinks too much while on meds she shouldn't be taking, suicidal on more than one occasion. Has gone far enough to burn peoples things down to the ground. And yet, my sister and her husband still include her in family events, allow her into their lives, which she continues to try and destroy with passive-aggressive behavior and Im-your-mother guilt trips. My sister and her husband are suckers and lap that shit up like a dog's tongue on beer.

As for me, I'd rather lick rusty nails than go anywhere near that bullshit. I've played the quiet, whatever-just-don't-talk-to-me-in-particular person, but she only mistakes that for kindness instead of resisting the urge to punch her square in the jaw. Lately, she's tried to hug me and say hi, to which I told my sister, "The next time that woman tries to play friendly with me, I'm calling her out and I don't care who the fuck is there. You'd better let her know." We'll see how that goes.

 

[mochajava]

First of all, see these people for who they are: toxic. Second, always stand up for yourself. Others have said to call them out on what they're doing. Yes, do that, but don't expect them to understand/change. Expect them to get angry that someone else is seeing and calling them on their shit. And third, insert distance. Often that's easier and more effective than cutting people off. Besides, you want your friends close, but your enemies closer. Unkindloving has some good techniques for inserting distance in the example they used.

This is so on, and exactly why I stayed in so many toxic relationships previously:

saslou:I'm slowly getting better at this. Unfortunately because i try and see the underlying issues and don't want people to suffer, i go out of my way in regards to offering support, even if it does drain me.

Although i've found it hard, i now realise i have to walk away and that they need to save themselves. You can call them on their bullshit all you like but once in that frame of mind of being right all the time, nothing you say will make a blind bit of difference.

And - a big, fat red flag is someone you can't have an honest discussion with. I mean a specific type of honest discussion, like where you're calling them out on something they're doing that just isn't working for you. A good friend would listen, try to understand, and at least figure out what's going on. The toxic person will lash out at you. Any good relationship means that both people are bending to accommodate each other and that both people can say how they feel. If all of that is one way, not two ways, then you are headed for a problem even if things seem great now. You guys won't be able to work through a conflict (and I find myself in this situation recently).

You'll find that once they're out of your life entirely or distanced, so much time and mental energy will free up for wonderful, lovely things and people to seep in. That will feel amazing, I promise

 

[redcheerio]

I think everyone has a choice to engage with toxic people or not. There's always a way to take a middle path, and neither draw them in closer to you by avoiding them, or getting closer yourself. Usually, with those sorts, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, and you feel like a prisoner.

It's hard to pull off, but I've seen many a bright individuals do a slow Houdini move with the most unnerving people. We're talking severe personality disordered with no regard for others, in professional, confined settings. It may take time; dispatching them immediately with full force tends to be counterproductive. It's a sign that even though you're attempting to remove them from your life, you're still caught and fixated on the problem. Communication can tighten people together or ease them away from each other. In any case, it's critical to progression. Once you feel your will is your own, and they're no longer a concern, it will be reflected in your relationship with them, if there is one at all.

What do you mean by a "slow Houdini move"?

My usual strategy is to be civil but keep a distance.

However, this wasn't good enough when it was a manager who for some reason had it in for me. I didn't stand up for myself or report him to anyone, and that was probably a mistake. I'm still not sure what the right thing would have been to do, other than maybe asking what was wrong the first time I noticed something was wrong.

I hate office politics, and I refuse to become a player. There must be some way to deal with this kind of crap while maintaining integrity, but I haven't figured it out yet.

Has anyone else figured out how to deal with it when it's coming from a manager?

First of all, see these people for who they are: toxic. Second, always stand up for yourself. Others have said to call them out on what they're doing. Yes, do that, but don't expect them to understand/change. Expect them to get angry that someone else is seeing and calling them on their shit. And third, insert distance. Often that's easier and more effective than cutting people off. Besides, you want your friends close, but your enemies closer. Unkindloving has some good techniques for inserting distance in the example they used.

This is so on, and exactly why I stayed in so many toxic relationships previously:


And - a big, fat red flag is someone you can't have an honest discussion with. I mean a specific type of honest discussion, like where you're calling them out on something they're doing that just isn't working for you. A good friend would listen, try to understand, and at least figure out what's going on. The toxic person will lash out at you. Any good relationship means that both people are bending to accommodate each other and that both people can say how they feel. If all of that is one way, not two ways, then you are headed for a problem even if things seem great now. You guys won't be able to work through a conflict (and I find myself in this situation recently).

You'll find that once they're out of your life entirely or distanced, so much time and mental energy will free up for wonderful, lovely things and people to seep in. That will feel amazing, I promise

I agree with this. So when the toxic person is a manager, is leaving the company the only option??