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why do I keep becoming friends with manipulative people?

wolfy

awsm
Joined
Jun 30, 2008
Messages
12,251
what's wrong with me? is it the promises they make but ultimately fail to keep. Is it the denial that anythings wrong until i've invested time in them? Is it the want to have friends but not having the confidence to make actual friends?

and by manipulative I do mean manipulative but also controlling

Maybe you like a challenge.
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
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Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
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yupp
Every one keeps mentioning how it's I want to change/rescue someone, and that's not the case at all.
 

wolfy

awsm
Joined
Jun 30, 2008
Messages
12,251
That isn't what I meant. Maybe you like a challenge. How much can I take.
 

prplchknz

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yupp
perhaps, I really don't know I just am so torn, because I know there are genuinely good people out there but I keep becoming friends with toxic people that it's almost like I should give up on having friends. And I don't want to, but if I'm going to keep doing this maybe it's for the best.
 
G

garbage

Guest
I've been there at least once or twice. I cared for their needs more than my own, and I could always rationalize their behavior--not denying in a "this person didn't mean it" sort of way. Rather, it was a misplaced compassion, a thought process along the lines of "they've had a hard life, and(/or), dammit, everyone deserves forgiveness, and everyone deserves friends."

For me, it was a responsibility issue--I took responsibility for their well-being.

I guess there are many reasons that one would fall victim to manipulative behavior. The manipulative people will travel the path of least resistance. Once you stand up, they move on to someone else.

And even then, the fact that someone else is invariably going to be a victim is pretty tragic.


When one has been dealt major blows by a few people, it's natural and completely okay to have a guard up as one approaches new friendships. Finding quality people is tough, and it's easy to lose oneself in the process.
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
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May 3, 2009
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25,183
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ISFP
Enneagram
6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
Every one keeps mentioning how it's I want to change/rescue someone, and that's not the case at all.

Maybe some people are projecting themselves on to you. ENFPs I think have an odd way of wanting to make people into projects, to help reach that inner potential under all of their rage/shitty behavior/heroin addiction. Oh man - between the ages of roughly 16 and 26 I was utterly convinced I could "love" people out of their damaging childhoods and what-not.

A friend or lover is no replacement for years of professional counseling.

In your case, why do you think you do it?
 

rav3n

.
Joined
Aug 6, 2010
Messages
11,655
We can all guess away and never hit the mark without knowing the people or getting some form of description from you. The easiest way to figure out why you're drawn to manipulative people is by figuring out the similarities between all of them.

One of the traits you display on TypeC is that you're a loose cannon, looking to alleviate boredom in any way, at any expense, even others. Is it possible that manipulative people, since they're chameleon like, appear to be more interesting because they change faces all the time? Are you confusing depth/complexity with manipulation/disingenuity?
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2007
Messages
34,397
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yupp
Maybe some people are projecting themselves on to you. ENFPs I think have an odd way of wanting to make people into projects, to help reach that inner potential under all of their rage/shitty behavior/heroin addiction. Oh man - between the ages of roughly 16 and 26 I was utterly convinced I could "love" people out of their damaging childhoods and what-not.

A friend or lover is no replacement for years of professional counseling.

In your case, why do you think you do it?

I have a hard time connecting with people, always have, probably always so it's always the other person connecting with me.
 

KDude

New member
Joined
Jan 26, 2010
Messages
8,243
I have a hard time connecting with people, always have, probably always so it's always the other person connecting with me.

As cool as it is that someone makes that effort, just try to take a wait and see approach from now on. Remember the things important to you. Don't let some new opportunity from the outside be your only option for what's attractive and exciting. If you already have some good friends or interests to fall back on, remind yourself of them and go about your way. If that person is cool, they might show up again, and you can slowly see if they're worth your time or not.

OTOH, maybe that's not everyone's style. Some people go their whole lives getting caught up in things they don't need.. yet they keep doing it. You can be one of them if you want. But if you don't want it, start with having your own alternatives. And if you can, work on introducing yourself to people you've considered cool by your own standards. Don't let those people pass you by, and then hang out with these others. It doesn't make any sense.
 

Udog

Seriously Delirious
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Aug 2, 2008
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what's wrong with me? is it the promises they make but ultimately fail to keep. Is it the denial that anythings wrong until i've invested time in them? Is it the want to have friends but not having the confidence to make actual friends?

and by manipulative I do mean manipulative but also controlling

"He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another, than he whom you yourself have obliged." - Benjamin Franklin

What you are doing is a pretty common occurrence - you are favoring people in your life who you have done something nice for, and probably downplaying people who have done nice things for you.

Edit: The fix for this is to value your time, and when someone makes no effort to give back, consider them no longer worth your precious and valuable time and give them the boot.
 
Last edited:
T

ThatGirl

Guest
Something I learned a long time ago. You only make friends with manipulative people if you are able to be manipulated. Obvious, but still so true.
 

Nijntje

Warflower
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Jun 7, 2009
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3,130
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CRZY
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4w5
I'm in the process of detoxing from a friend who was also my housemate who has ended up owing me thousands because i kept giving second chances, he's extremely manipulative, and i'm and idiot for falling for it.

You know, I just hoped that it wouldn't happen. but yeah, hopes are only that and a lot of the time people just fucking suck.
 

prplchknz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2007
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34,397
MBTI Type
yupp
I had a dream about a vampire, he was standing by the backdoor of my parents house, so I ran past him and locked the door. I'm thinking it's a symbol for me finally stop falling for the "kindness" of my room mate, like I've mentally locked her out of my life. because vampires tend to be very seductive, and she has this draw to her. and in my dream I felt guilty for doing so. Of course I woke up to knocking because of the draft which makes the door make a knocking sound and half asleep I was terrified thinking there was actually a vampire trying to get in
 
N

NPcomplete

Guest
But they will..it's who they are. It might take YEARS for them to do so, but eventually they will.

That has been my experience as well. Now I listen to my "instincts". If my gut says that I better avoid that person, then that's what I do. Saves me a lot of trouble and tears.

To the OP:
It might seem lonely at first after you've stood up to them and they've moved on to another prey but remember that it's all for your own benefit. And yes, having your guard up is perfectly fine. Good luck! :)
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
I'm in the process of detoxing from a friend who was also my housemate who has ended up owing me thousands because i kept giving second chances, he's extremely manipulative, and i'm and idiot for falling for it.

You know, I just hoped that it wouldn't happen. but yeah, hopes are only that and a lot of the time people just fucking suck.


Hi twin sister,

I too have been in a similar situation. It sucks. There is not enough glitter to make up for a friend who turns on you.

That's why I now put any potential friend through my version if the wringer. I shall share it with you.

1- meet new person. (easier to say than do since I iz hermit.)
2- eye them askance
3- ask them casually if they like ponies....
4- if yes, make a gasping noise, hop up and down in a silent cheer
5- ask them to go hug and panda bears together.

6- if they say no, quiver with horror
7- ask if they like planets
8- if yes, make a gasping noise, hop up and down in a silent cheer
9- ask them to watch the stars together

10- if still no, they obviously suck
 

Nijntje

Warflower
Joined
Jun 7, 2009
Messages
3,130
MBTI Type
CRZY
Enneagram
4w5
Hi twin sister,

I too have been in a similar situation. It sucks. There is not enough glitter to make up for a friend who turns on you.

That's why I now put any potential friend through my version if the wringer. I shall share it with you.

1- meet new person. (easier to say than do since I iz hermit.)
2- eye them askance
3- ask them casually if they like ponies....
4- if yes, make a gasping noise, hop up and down in a silent cheer
5- ask them to go hug and panda bears together.

6- if they say no, quiver with horror
7- ask if they like planets
8- if yes, make a gasping noise, hop up and down in a silent cheer
9- ask them to watch the stars together

10- if still no, they obviously suck

OH MY GOD I LOVE GLITTER, PONIES AND PLANETS!!!

<Gasping noise, Silent Cheer and jumpy claps!>

I iz also Hermit.

twinnnn looooovveeeeeeeeee <3
 
A

Anew Leaf

Guest
OH MY GOD I LOVE GLITTER, PONIES AND PLANETS!!!

<Gasping noise, Silent Cheer and jumpy claps!>

I iz also Hermit.

twinnnn looooovveeeeeeeeee <3

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*falls onto ground gasping because this is TOO exciting!*
 
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