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why do I keep becoming friends with manipulative people?

prplchknz

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what's wrong with me? is it the promises they make but ultimately fail to keep. Is it the denial that anythings wrong until i've invested time in them? Is it the want to have friends but not having the confidence to make actual friends?

and by manipulative I do mean manipulative but also controlling
 

KDude

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So you know they're manipulative. Is this something you discover after the fact or does it just fly in your face later?

I've been friends with people like that. But as far as I can remember, I usually see tendencies of manipulation in someone beforehand, even when it's not blatant. Like little signs that lead me to believe they're capable of it. The reason why I might stay friends sometimes is that if it's not too bad, I just like giving them the benefit of the doubt. In the times they have tried to pull something on me though, I end up fighting with them, and going my way. Most of the mistakes in my life are my own doing, not because I was dragged into situations unknowingly per se.

I don't mean to talk about myself though. Just wondering if you can relate to that, or if things take you more by surprise..
 

prplchknz

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It's like I see them treatin others with disrespect and screwing other people over but I think that they would never do that to me.
 

KDude

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It's like I see them treatin others with disrespect and screwing other people over but I think that they would never do that to me.

I don't know how to relate to that. I make little mental notes of people, I guess. For better or worse.. I might be too cautious sometimes. But it goes back a long way. Like, I always knew who and who not to loan my toys to as a kid =P And sometimes it worked against me too. I was never good with a lot of games people play in dating.. like where people manipulate and press buttons for fun. I'd get fed up and stop the breaks, because I'd see that as disrespect. So you can gather how I am when it's more serious.
 

Santosha

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It's like I see them treatin others with disrespect and screwing other people over but I think that they would never do that to me.

Aren't INFP's the ones that 'see the good in everyone'? Probably has something to do with it. Could be a few reasons... you might think that someone has these qualities because they've been treated poorly, and if they were just opened up to your awesomeness and understanding then they'd let their guard down. You might think you can save someone. If you are seeing them doing it with others but think they won't do it with you, then your believeing that something about you or your connection will be special. And, its true, INFP's are special people. Just not special enough to to change an asshole. No one is.
 

Santosha

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Personally, when I was younger I had a pretty bad habbit of thinking I could "save someone." I was just convinced that everyone wants to be a healthy, happy person.. and that with enough love and understanding, it could be achieved. But time and experience has changed this perception quite a bit. It might come down the the ENFP's ability to recognize potential in others.
 

KDude

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Aren't INFP's the ones that 'see the good in everyone'?

I'm not an authority obviously, but I never liked that description. I always thought INFPs had a heightened sense of good as well as evil. I think whoever wrote that was probably an NT, who ignored Jung, and hoarded all critical capacity for himself.. and projected naivete on to INFPs (and probably ISFPs too). amirite?
 
A

Anew Leaf

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Aren't INFP's the ones that 'see the good in everyone'? Probably has something to do with it. Could be a few reasons... you might think that someone has these qualities because they've been treated poorly, and if they were just opened up to your awesomeness and understanding then they'd let their guard down. You might think you can save someone. If you are seeing them doing it with others but think they won't do it with you, then your believeing that something about you or your connection will be special. And, its true, INFP's are special people. Just not special enough to to change an asshole. No one is.

I can't even change a tire no matter how hard I hug it. :(

@op I have had the same problem in the past. Now I have learned to be a bit more selective in my friendships. I think it's tough for INFPs to point out negativity in others if we care about the person. It has been for me... I so don't want to hurt someones feelings... Usually because it hurts me to say it and then they are hurt and then I am hurt because they are hurt.... And its just one giant infp pretzel fest of emo.
 

KDude

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OK, maybe it is an INFP thing. Maybe I'm something else. I can change a tire without the aid of unicorns. :D

Although I've read other descriptions where it's ISFPs and ESFPs, with their lack of foresight and live-in-the-moment nature, that can lead them into trouble. I'm confused now. You're all manipulating me o_o
 

prplchknz

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I don't know but I'm having a pretty crappy time at the moment.
 

Ethan Bear

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Well I have always been good at spotting those people. But I have lots a dear friends who have issues with this. I think a lot of the issue is spotting who somebody is by what they do. Not saying that you can define someone by their actions but you can see insight into who they are.
 

Viridian

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I'm not an authority obviously, but I never liked that description. I always thought INFPs had a heightened sense of good as well as evil. I think whoever wrote that was probably an NT, who ignored Jung, and hoarded all critical capacity for himself.. and projected naivete on to INFPs (and probably ISFPs too). amirite?

Yes, but I guess Feelers as a whole are more prone to this kind of naivete where they believe they can make everything better, especially, I think, IxFxs (due to less external feedback). T types usually have a different kind of Pygmalion Project in mind - they want to help their companions achieve great intellectual acuity. Not all Feelers are naive, of course. :yes:

I wish I could address the OP's problem, but I have zero experience in that area... Sorry. :sad:
 

FakePlasticAlice

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I do it too. I'm in the process of ending a 12 yr. friendship with a VERY manipulative ESFP. But she's not the first i've befriended.. i've been trying to figure out why i befriend these people myself lately...

The only advice i can offer is to get them out of your life as soon as you realize something is wrong. The longer you keep them around the more toxic they become.

It's like I see them treatin others with disrespect and screwing other people over but I think that they would never do that to me.

But they will..it's who they are. It might take YEARS for them to do so, but eventually they will.
 

Thalassa

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This used to happen to me so much when I was younger, and I think maybe young NFs can be so trusting and want to be nice to everyone and give them a chance.

I'm totally different now, for the most part, but I basically had to learn to look for patterns of certain types of people and build firm boundaries. I'm pretty much with Huxley on this one.
 

KDude

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Yes, but I guess Feelers as a whole are more prone to this kind of naivete where they believe they can make everything better, especially, I think, IxFxs (due to less external feedback). T types usually have a different kind of Pygmalion Project in mind - they want to help their companions achieve great intellectual acuity. Not all Feelers are naive, of course. :yes:

I wish I could address the OP's problem, but I have zero experience in that area... Sorry. :sad:

Interesting way of putting it. I'm not sure where I fall. I'd rather say my own "Pygmalion" tendencies are Ne in nature. I'm guarded with offering my participation in "F" kind of ways though. I'm not even sure I can make anything better sometimes, except for myself. And the easiest idea to fall back on is just removing myself, rather than imagining ways that some jerk is actually a good person. It's not my main direction to just express these hopeful ways with other people. "Don't cast your pearls before swine". I think an INFJ said that though.
 

Viridian

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Interesting way of putting it. I'm not sure where I fall. I'd rather say my own "Pygmalion" tendencies are Ne in nature. I'm guarded with offering my participation in "F" kind of ways though. I'm not even sure I can make anything better sometimes, except for myself. And the easiest idea to fall back on is just removing myself, rather than imagining ways that some jerk is actually a good person. It's not my main direction to just express these hopeful ways with other people. "Don't cast your pearls before swine". I think an INFJ said that though.

Are you an INxP, KDude? That would make Ne your "good parent" function, which would explain the above. :yes:
 

KDude

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Are you an INxP, KDude? That would make Ne your "good parent" function, which would explain the above. :yes:

It's what resonates with me. Same with 5w4. I think I'm more Fi though. Ti is even less up for display. At least, I've never been the type to speak in an academic/technical manner like some do. I'm not sure if that's type related though.
 

Synapse

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Its a kind of mirroring from your psyche, you've experienced it now its become something your mirroring and it'll happen because you are drawing it into your awareness without proper and healthy boundary placements where you are able to distinguish between aspects of energies.
 
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