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Dealing with feelings of intellectual inadequacy in relationships

Zak-san

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Hello Typology Central, I just stumbled upon this site while trying to find some solutions to a current life issue of mine and I was hoping maybe somebody could help me work through it... So here is my first post.

Throughout my life I have always considered myself something of a clever individual, and I have never really had doubts about that. I've always been able to easily apply myself to something if I really felt the need to. I do know that many people disregard the true efficacy of IQ tests in gauging intelligence however I feel that it is relevant to mention that I have taken numerous IQ tests throughout my life and I usually show up in the mid to high 140s. It is truly rare for me to encounter someone who I feel actually measures up to me in that sense. A couple months ago I started dating this girl just for kicks and giggles, thinking that it wouldn't amount to anything really as I kind of thought of her as something of a ditz. However recently as we get closer and more open with each other I am starting to realize that I severely underestimated her mental capacity, the other day she told me the results of an IQ test she took in the 4th grade where she achieve a score of 180, and although I am somewhat skeptical of this although there is potential for it's truth when compared to some of her developmental accomplishments (eg her first (nonbabbling) vocalization as a child was "I want a cracker", she toilet trained herself, and she was fluent in three languages from a young age). Originally I thought that it would be nice to have someone who could keep up with me on an intellectual level however lately I have felt a sense of inferiority whenever it surfaces, which seems to happen quite a bit. Does anybody know how I should go about approaching this situation?
 
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Phantonym

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Hello and welcome to the forums.

Well, it must have been a humbling experience, a lesson in not to underestimate people on any accounts. I realize that this might be easier said than done, but don't get discouraged by it. Trying to compare yourself to her and concentrating on your possible shortcomings or on her possible superiority will only deepen your sense of inferiority.

How about taking an approach where neither of you are either above or below each other? You're just different, it would be unreasonable to expect to be on equal levels on all accounts, but that doesn't mean that you don't have anything valuable to bring into a relationship. Concentrate on your strengths and take pride in your accomplishments and value her for her strengths and accomplishments.
 

Hine

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i've been trying to figure out this problem in my own matrimonial life. I've mostly considered myself quite smart and people around me have confirmed it to be true.
With my hubby i consider myself - an idiot. My IQ is something around 120, but my hubby's IQ is around 170. He learned to read by himself, when he was 5 years old - while i was drawing dogs and cats on the walls. He learns everything fast, no matter if it's computing, science or cooking, while i'm slow ... and need time ... to digest new things. He's a fast talker, while i need time ... to think ... and talk.
I'm sorry i'm so lousy. I can never reach his intellectual limits. We have intellectually lopsided marriage :(
If you are occasionally bothered by her intellectual abilities,then on the other hand - has she been frustrated or anxious because of your IQ?
 

skylights

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yeah, i would be frustrated by that too. as a child i was always praised for being intelligent and it's been hard to come to terms with people who outdo me.

still, intellect does not have a causal relationship with how good of a person you are, how much you care about others, how successful you're going to be in the world, or how good at supporting the other person you will be in a relationship. it doesn't determine your abilities. i also like the multiple intelligences perspective.

ask yourself why you feel inferior. besides your own thoughts, is your "lesser" intellect actually impacting your ability to do the things you like in life?

also, IQ tests are complete bullshit for anything beyond helping determine whether you should consider looking into special education for a child. the only thing they actually test for is how well a child takes IQ tests.
 

celesul

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Honestly, if you accept her for what she is, she'll probably appreciate you a ton. Learning to accept someone substantially more intelligent than yourself is a skill, I think. For the reference, I intimidated almost every guy I met until I got to college (I go to a crazy one full of people far more brilliant than I). Now I am, instead of the scarily intelligent girl, simply someone who can converse on a similar level to the people around me. I actually now have a boyfriend and know a lot of guys who think my intellect is hot rather than scary. Regardless, when I was in high school, the few guys I knew who I didn't intimidate the hell out of I appreciated tremendously. They were usually the ones I crushed on. Sure, they didn't have the same skill in academics as I did, but they often had cool hobbies. I remember one being very musical. Also, if it took you that long to figure out that she's brilliant, her brilliance is probably not a central part of her life. She has it, but it isn't her defining trait. Yes, it's very common to be intimidated, but putting in some effort to accept her brilliance would doubtless be sincerely appreciated.
 

Octarine

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Does anybody know how I should go about approaching this situation?

Yes. Don't over analyse it. Don't think 'gee he/she is so much smarter than me, how can I compare'.

All that matters is good communication. Don't assume you know how someone else feels. You may find that they have even experienced the same thing in reverse - occasions where you seem more intelligent than them.
 

miss fortune

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sounds like too much of your identity was riding on your perception of yourself being intelligent and you are uncomfortable being challenged by someone who is close to you who makes you feel LESS intelligent :thinking:

I'd suggest branching out and finding other things that you're proud of yourself for :)
 

skylights

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^ :yes:

also worth noting that with "higher intelligence" generally comes feeling weird/ like an outsider to some extent. especially because what you gain in one area, you're probably losing in another. all talents and skills are developed at the expense of energy being dedicated to other talents and skills. being human, your girl is bound to have some weak areas and insecurities.
 

miss fortune

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she's a girl... of course she has insecurities :boohoo:
 

Forever_Jung

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Yeah, you should just develop an identity outside your intelligence, that will help you be less insecure. For a while, all I had to feel proud of was being an egghead. But then I made a friend who made me look like an idiot. I didn't know what my role was anymore, and so I was forced to develop other aspects of myself. That's not to say I am good at everything, but now I can offer a few different options to people. I can be the confidante, clown, etc. It makes me feel more secure. Girls I meet feel very insecure about their intelligence around me (which is weird because I do not come across as some sort of austere intellectual, especially IRL) and they always ask if I think they're too dumb to love. Which makes me feel awful, because it's just not true, and I worry I am giving off that impression subtly. I think (or hope at least) that it's really a matter of people overestimating how much intelligence matters. Sure it's nice to be around smart people (or people around your level), but it is not the be-all and end-all of what makes someone's company worthwhile.
 

Zak-san

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Yes. Don't over analyse it. Don't think 'gee he/she is so much smarter than me, how can I compare'.

All that matters is good communication. Don't assume you know how someone else feels. You may find that they have even experienced the same thing in reverse - occasions where you seem more intelligent than them.
She often does mention that I am smart, however lately when she mentions that it just seems condescending, however that is probably just over analysis on my part.

also worth noting that with "higher intelligence" generally comes feeling weird/ like an outsider to some extent. especially because what you gain in one area, you're probably losing in another. all talents and skills are developed at the expense of energy being dedicated to other talents and skills. being human, your girl is bound to have some weak areas and insecurities.

One of the things that really bugs me though is how specialized my intelligence seems to be compared to hers. I easily come to terms with subjects like Mathematics, Physical sciences and some of the Social Sciences. However the rest of my intellectual pursuits are rather imbalanced in comparison. Whereas she seems to be able to excel in about everything she is relatively interested in (thank god she could care less about physics, statistics, or philosophy, or else I would have no intellectual abode).

Even socially she far outdoes me, I am a classic examples of of an intellectuals who struggles immensely in traditional social interaction, whereas she seems to have no issues acquiring friends and maintaining conversation. At least I can take solace in the fact that I'm not easy for her. She can't read me half as well as she can any other person despite the fact that I am probably one of her closest friends. Which is funny because I can read her like a book (unlike most others...). As far as I can tell this is really the only reason that I really feel comfortable with her as it gives me a sense of much needed control.

So pretty much gonna give it some time, not going to let some silly little detail like this ruin my relationship with a girl that I am quite fond of. I have to evaluate this relationship sooner or later given that I have college decisions upcoming and I'm going to have to weigh the options on what exactly I want to do about this then. Till then I just have more motivation to further my own intellectual abilities.
 

skylights

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Zak-san said:
At least I can take solace in the fact that I'm not easy for her. She can't read me half as well as she can any other person despite the fact that I am probably one of her closest friends. Which is funny because I can read her like a book (unlike most others...). As far as I can tell this is really the only reason that I really feel comfortable with her as it gives me a sense of much needed control.

:) you're a mystery to her. sometimes there's something seemingly intangible about a person that makes them really attractive to us... with my last relationship it was the crazy way he could be really social and yet extremely private at the same time. i don't really know how to be social without opening up, and he was therefore a mystery to me. and what's unknown is usually inherently attractive. obviously you do have a leg up somewhere if you can read her and she can't read you.

i sometimes face the problem of feeling inferior (less about intelligence and more about achievements) with a close friend of mine... sometimes what helps me when i'm feeling down is really capitalizing on my strengths and individuality. what skills and talents do i have that she does not? what can i do right now that she does not? it sounds kind of unhealthy to think like that, i guess, but it's a momentary buoy that can prevent relationship sabotage. and most significantly, what is important to you? that will define who you are and what you are worth, moreso than any measures of intelligence.
 

Orangey

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Does she intimidate you in any ways other than her alleged test score from when she was little? Does she show you up in conversations? Compete with you? Debate? If no, then you should stop feeling intimidated because your reasons for feeling that way are shallow. If yes, you should either try and best her (if you like that sort of thing) or tell her to stop being an asshole.
 

rav3n

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Zak-san, have you ever had a relationship where the two of you share some topics of interest, instead of being in a form of teacher/student interaction within subjects of individual interests? It can be intellectually challenging and crazy fun!
 

Jaguar

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"It is an assinine prejudice that mathematics has anything to do with the training of the mind . . . Mathematics is not a function of intelligence or logic.
It is a particular gift, like music. You also find a mathematical talent with individuals that are idiotic in every other respect."

— Carl Jung
 

Octarine

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"It is an assinine prejudice that mathematics has anything to do with the training of the mind . . . Mathematics is not a function of intelligence or logic.
It is a particular gift, like music. You also find a mathematical talent with individuals that are idiotic in every other respect."

— Carl Jung

It's a nice quote. Pity it is mostly bullshit. Yes, you need some innate ability. But mathematics, like music composition is definitely something that can be learned by those who are of reasonable intelligence.
See: http://terrytao.wordpress.com/career-advice/does-one-have-to-be-a-genius-to-do-maths/
 

Lien

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i'm very drawn to people who are knowledgeable about a subject so i can learn, and when i see someone i consider less knowledgeable about something i eagerly want to tell them what i know about the subject.

actually i think that i feel excited around everyone, since everyone i see opportunities to learn from and opportunities to teach.

but with the people who are all-knowledgeable in apparently all matters, i feel a little unsure because all i can seem to do is take from them and it makes me feel guilty.. i want to give. so then i have this need to learn a lot so maybe in the future i could tell them something.

but i get afraid a lot that it might be offensive and i don't make any moves..
 
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