Everything that irritates us about others

[Z Buck McFate]

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
~Carl Jung

People have a tendency to perceive negative thought patterns or behaviors as existing in others when they are unwilling or unable to recognize them in themselves; an individual who complains that no one around them listens very well is quite possibly someone who has a problem listening themselves. So, one way for the above quote to be true is in the case of projecting.

Another cause- for someone feeling as though others don’t listen very well- might be an unwillingness to make one’s voice heard; in which case, another way to interpret the quote is that introspection might lead us to find a lack of self confidence (or whatever specifically is stopping us from making our voice heard). It can feel better to blame others and not acknowledge there's a weak spot in ourselves that could be worked on- particularly if it seems like others are just inherently stronger in certain aspects and the imbalance gets taken advantage of.

Jealousy also comes into play, which somewhat coincides with the above point. It's irritating to deal with others' senses of entitlement when they run somewhat contrary to our own. I think this might be irritating because it threatens our own sense of entitlement, though I'm not sure about this one.

What are other possible scenarios in which getting irritated might lead us to a better understanding of ourselves?

Are there situations in which the above quote doesn’t apply?

If it doesn’t always apply- what are the exceptions? How can we tell the difference between determining an exception to the rule and simply kidding ourselves (writing the ‘other’ off as different and finding that difference irritating, if only for the consequent inconvenience it places in our daily routine- when in truth we’re transferring criticism to the ‘other’ because we don’t feel like finding it in ourselves)?

This is something I’ve thought about for several years, always trying to find what seems like the healthiest balance. I curious about what others think.

 

[rav3n]

How about the situation where you're angry at a third party for their treatment of a second party? As an example, the third party enacts physical abuse on the second party where you don't.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

Possible springboards for discussion [Are these things that can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves? If yes, what are those better understandings?]:

Someone cutting us off on the expressway

Dealing with a health insurance representative over the phone for the Nth time about some inane discrepancy

Someone who is routinely late, in spite of already being chided for it

Getting steamrolled by someone else's Fe or Te (ha-ha?)

[This next one I’m really curious to see if anyone has an interesting answer to]
Being taken advantage of by a psychopath/narcissist who does not feel remorse

Also what metaphor wrote, because even if we're not directly involved- we're the one who's irritated.

 

[Domino]

My INTJ best friend drove around with a picture I drew for his parents in the trunk of his car for 2 years. Does that count?

 

[Glycerine]

yeah, my first question usually is, "am I anything like a given person?" and analyze it. I agree.

 

[Athenian200]

I don't think that everything that irritates me about others reflects something about myself... some things are just plain annoying for most people, and there's little that can be done about them.

But I do think the ones that aren't typical reflect something about myself. Like the following:

I'm bothered by gun ownership, dogs, the idea of driving a car, Conservative social policies, being out in the country/too far away from an urban area, rap music, country music, people who insist on competing instead of cooperating, the iPhone/iTunes, and DRM.

I'm not sure what that says about me, but it probably says something.

 

[Neutralpov]

No I think there is something to the topic. the counseling catchphrase for this is "if you can spot it, you've got it." meaning you can't see something in another internally that you haven't understood.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

Thanks for the responses. I suck at ops. I was hoping to hear how others interpret the quote. It’s something I think about all the time when I get irritated myself. I was wondering if- and how- others also try to apply it to themselves, looking for things I might miss on my own.

My INTJ best friend drove around with a picture I drew for his parents in the trunk of his car for 2 years. Does that count?

This^ is the kind of thing that I’m on the fence about. It’s not projecting, it’s clearly something irritating on the other person’s part. It seems like whenever I dig long enough, I can find a way to turn my perception of it around (I focus more on why I am irritated than on why the person shouldn’t be doing whatever they’re doing). This backfires a lot, because sometimes it really should be about kicking the other person’s ass (if only figuratively) for doing the irritating behavior. I mean I think it’s important to be aware of why we feel irritated, but it’s also important not to be too lenient with disrespectful behavior. Anyway, I was wondering how others apply that quote.

No I think there is something to the topic. the counseling catchphrase for this is "if you can spot it, you've got it." meaning you can't see something in another internally that you haven't understood.

Yeah, exactly. And it helps to have compassion/patience for others when I realize they're doing something I'm totally capable of doing myself.

 

[Salomé]

Interesting subject. Owning your reactions to other people is a really important step toward achieving inner peace and enlightenment. It's important to remember that no one can make you feel anything.

All affect is interior. Any emotional impact we experience is inside us. If someone were to denounce me, spreading all the gossip and defamation he might find, I would probably wither. It would weigh me down, but the withering is my interior matter. If you hurt my feelings, it is an interior matter for me. If it has an impact, it means there is a war inside me. You set it off, but what you set off is my business. Anything that can burn in a person should burn. Only the things that are fireproof are worth keeping. If you can hurt my feelings, they are better off hurt, because it’s an error in me.
~Robert A Johnson

 

[Z Buck McFate]

^Awesome quote, it brings to mind this other one by Viktor Frankl: "What is to give light must endure burning."

 

[Unkindloving]

I usually find irritation in others when they are unaware of something about themselves that I am aware of in myself. I often feel that they should at least be aware, because that will benefit them far more greatly than not knowing their faults. It seems a bit backwards from the quote.
It also sounds somewhat high and mighty, but I'm not claiming to have altered every aspect that may resonate between myself and another party that I find irritating. I just view that awareness as the potential to have a better handle over one's self, especially in relation to others, which is respectable to me.

Otherwise, I agree with the quote. I've seen it in a lot of people. I've also had experiences where others have mentioned their need to change something about themselves, yet they've chosen to neglect that and instead directed their unsolicited efforts toward me. People are interesting creatures, although I can understand the prospect of wanting to learn how to adjust one's personal issues by watching/helping others fix their similar issues. Problem being self-neglect.

 

[Lark]

Not sure if there's a psych reason behind this but when I first read the title I read "everything which annoys us about others is about us" or something to that effect

 

[Ginkgo]

I think the only situation in which the quote doesn't apply is when a person already has the greatest understanding of themselves. This hardly happens, if it happens at all. There usually exists some portion of a person that has yet to be uncovered; but even if it was uncovered, who is to say the person would stop feeling irritation toward others?

One can only dispel irritation if being aware of the irritation always allows one to transcend affect.

 

[Tabula]

This is especially interesting to me, and is something I've been putting much thought into for the past couple years. My mother was diagnosed with a personality disorder (among other things...) I don't intend for this to start a debate on the validity/truth in the existence of personality disorders, but to use as a background for my take on this.

I have never really gotten along with my mother, but she's been getting progressively worse for quite a few years now. I've noticed that a few of the things she does - which irritate me to no end - other people, even in my own family, don't even see. I questioned why that was, then looked back at my own bad behavior in certain circumstances. I realized that I exhibit similar behavior but to a far lesser degree. This was absolutely crucial in my understanding of myself, though I think it did come at a price; I'm now petrified of ending up like her, and take great measures to ensure I correct my behavior in real-time when I see that I'm starting to do something I hate. It's also resulted in hyper-sensitivity/allergy to this kind of behavior in other people, which I think is unfair to them. I guess this is a good thing, but I'm worried about that over-compensation/fixation on not ending up that way being a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, which is what happens at the extreme other end of this issue, I think.

So, my point. Hm.

Yes, I think this is definitely true, but that it's equally important to accept that you can't change your entire personality. Or, that while yes, there are always things you can work on, don't expect the outcome of acknowledging that you, too, have these issues, and working on them, to be perfection or a total eradication of all those faults. I am always going to struggle with this, I think, but honestly, it's just as important (at least for me) to accept myself (blah blah this sounds all cliche kumbaya-ish, but it's true.) No one likes a hypocrite, but no likes a paranoid, neurotic, self-monitoring, insecure hot mess, either.