Alt. Relationships-The Dom/Sub

[Nijntje]

Hmmm I'm actually similar, but I have the opposite issue, mostly dominant but don't react well with people who are unwilling to ever take the lead in terms of life. It's really quite exhausting and starts to turn me off from life when I feel that I'm constantly having to micromanage. In addition, because the bedroom is a destress place for me it can becoming very dull very quickly when I'm constantly expected to aggressively take control there in addition to everything else that seems to go on in the world.

I guess that people tend to prefer this dominant-submissive trade-off as much for the clarity of role, responsibilities and communications it brings in addition to the actually sexual gratification that is often both the byproduct and the origin of it.

I'll naturally let people take the lead in every day life, i am very much capable of looking after myself, but when it comes to things like planning or mundane tasks, if someone else is in charge of that, or does it before i work up the motivation i wont stop them, so i guess in a way this is submissive.

Sexually i love being both, i'll change depending on mood and partner, as much as i can't be with someone who is solely sub, i couldn't be with someone who is always dominant, i'd miss bringing out that part of me. The part that enjoys seeing them beg and not granting them relief. (probably TMI; sorry!)

 

[Totenkindly]

I guess that people tend to prefer this dominant-submissive trade-off as much for the clarity of role, responsibilities and communications it brings in addition to the actually sexual gratification that is often both the byproduct and the origin of it.

I could see that first chunk playing a large role in things for some people. Having one's roles defined can relieve a lot of anxiety and reduce energy waste for some people; in the interests of comfort and security, it's good to have a script sometimes.

 

[Sunny Ghost]

Typically the passive/assertive thing is a personality trait.

I think on occasion someone can work through some difficult stuff and suddenly find themselves freed up to be more assertive or more accepting (it's sometimes a result of positive life changes and acceptance of how the world actually works)... but typically it's a big thing if that happens, and it's not going to flip someone from naturally being a responder to suddenly always initiating.

Passive guys ARE nice (because by definition they typically don't impose themselves on others!) but their lack of initiative and putting themselves out there can be a real detriment.

IxTP also typically have a "responder" pattern -- they're waiting for input so they know what to do next. They typically don't have assertive will -- except at maybe asserting themselves to keep others from controlling THEM. Not really sure what they want, not sure of their inner feelings and inclinations. Not a great personality type for someone you want to be your dom.

I would say that I went from being more passive to becoming quite assertive over time. I blame roommates who have pissed me off one too many times, friends who have pushed me around and having shitty exboyfriends in my late teens. However, it's the same with me that I don't necessarily have a drive to exert my will on others, but rather I just don't want to be pushed and know how to hold my ground on something. But with situations that don't really matter, such as a debate about where to eat and I honestly can't decide myself, I have no problem with someone else choosing. But if I am in the mood for something specific, I'll usually ask, "How do you feel about __? I'm kind of in the mood for that." But I still say that my preference is to neither be dominant, nor submissive, but rather have even trade offs.

Hmmm I'm actually similar, but I have the opposite issue, mostly dominant but don't react well with people who are unwilling to ever take the lead in terms of life. It's really quite exhausting and starts to turn me off from life when I feel that I'm constantly having to micromanage. In addition, because the bedroom is a destress place for me it can becoming very dull very quickly when I'm constantly expected to aggressively take control there in addition to everything else that seems to go on in the world.

I guess that people tend to prefer this dominant-submissive trade-off as much for the clarity of role, responsibilities and communications it brings in addition to the actually sexual gratification that is often both the byproduct and the origin of it.

I can understand the desire to see others step up to the plate just as much as you do. I would argue that this is wanting to be around others you consider equal, and with you being a more dominant person, you desire being with people who are assertive of their self as well. And in this way it's a dom/dom relationship in the sense that you are two very assertive people and neither can either control or be at the mercy of the other. And I do think that these types of relationships can be very respectable and nonconfrontational.

Also, that's a great way to explain the dom/sub, I suppose. Clarity of roles.
I suppose initially I saw the need to dominate or the need to submit to someone elses will as an inability to positively stimulate oneself. Or as a need to impose a will. But this is why I wanted clarity. It is interesting to find out that for the dominant, it's an understanding and consideration of the submissive to help alleviate stress and worry. And the submissive gets someone that treats them like an equal, but more adept at making decisions.

 

[Periluminal]

I have been typed, but I can't find the report right now. Commenting on your post, I was in a D/s relationship that I instigated as a Dom, but which rapidly degenerated into a full-on D/s thing that, frankly, made me very uncomfortable. The woman I was with became fixated on submission, really insistent on it, and would also interrupt sex, turn over, and insist on anal sex instead. I like anal sex once in a while with someone who likes it, but this was far from being a turnon. It became just a horrible event waiting to happen. When I began to withdraw sexually, she started questioning my manhood in very derogatory language. She was right about one thing though, I CLEARLY was not dominant enough for her. We broke up soon after, very acrimoniously, and she started saying she had never enjoyed sex at all, she had been faking her orgasms, etc. This is, of course, possible, but given her physical responses, extreme lubrication etc. it's unlikely.

Has this happened to anyone else?

Thanks