Some childhood patterns => Roots of adulthood patterns

[guesswho]

1.
The things we do. Why do we do them? Well...mostly because we want to. We generally do what we want, and we perceive that as being our own decision. Most of the time it is us who decide what to do with our lives, influenced by different factors.

What we think. Same here, we think about what we want, and other obsessions that we may not want, we build our own concepts about the world we live in, etc.

2.
But what if some of the things we do or think, are just patterns, repeating themselves throughout our lives?
These patterns aren't really conscious, as they have been formed a long time ago, in times that we don't really remember much from. And not necessary patterns, simple thoughts, opinions etc.

3.
So if we have these patterns, is it actually true saying that we do what we want, and think what we want?
It seems to me that some things aren't really formed that independent.

For example...I'm going to give pretty much a common example:
A girl who was ugly or fat when she was a kid, and kids would make fun of her because of that, who grows to be really hot and gorgeous.
But she doesn't really think that she is hot and gorgeous, because 15 years ago she thought to herself, 'I am ugly', or 'I am fat' so ...these thoughts persisted throughout time.

So she thinks something, which for her is true, but her thought is based on a thought that first appeared a long time ago.
Why did it stay that way?
Possibly because of the emotional impact.

Another example:
A guy has parents who don't really let him do what he wants, and always making him study more, or stay at home instead of going out , quite authoritarian.
When he grows up he goes in the army.
What the fuck?!

Of course, he decided to go there, but if his parents would have been nicer, not so damn army-like , would he have still chose to go in the army????

Is that decision his, or does he only think that it's his decision. I just don't want him going into Afganistan, it's stupid, we're in Romania, and send troops in Afganistan.

Ok, back to the pattern thing.

Feeling slightly different as a kid. That can persist and you may think that when you grow up, it will be slightly more elaborate, some kind of alienation.

You think you're different, but you don't think you're different because you thought you were different when you were a kid, you think you're different because you really are. Which is not true. I'm talking about me here.

Feeling lonely as a kid, it can persist, or can appear later in life, even though you are far from alone....but you feel it...and it's just bitter.

You feel alone. And yet you are not.

Anxious parents who take you to the doctor a lot when you're a kid, thinking that you're some kind of Humpy Dumpy. Hypochondria when you're all grown up.
Coincidence?! I don't think so.

I want to chose when to think I am sick, when I am actually sick, not thinking that I am sick because my mother thought I was sick all the time when I was a kid.

Not having things when you're a kid. Turns into thinking of not having enough things when you grow up, even though you may be a billionaire.

Parents who criticize you too much when you're a kid because it is them who are the actual freaks, turns you into some perfection freak, never being good enough.

4.
Conclusion?
Is there one?
Repeating shit over and over, reliving things, reliving relationships, we choose that?
I don't think so.

And yet we have this illusion of choice. Of course it cannot be generalized, it's only for this case.

It's interesting how the human mind does things that do not serve any actual evolution purpose, things that make us flawed, flawed and yet we cannot fully understand how our brain works.

I remember Darwin's turtles with long necks, which adapted to the environment because vegetation started growing up high.
Shouldn't we as species, dump this stupid crap? I mean...we've been living for quite some time, unless this pattern thing actually serves a purpose, that we don't understand. But I don't think so.


This proverb comes in my mind...The apple never falls far from the tree.....I guess some never deviate much from their pattern course.

 

[miss fortune]

ah... so like the fact that my parents' favorite way to punish me when I was a kid was to tell me that I'd disappointed them and put me on a huge guilt trip... as an adult I still feel guilty about things all of the time and live in dread fear of dissapointing those who are important to me

 

[guesswho]

 

[Red Herring]

I think this is a well known phenomenon that can be observed all the time. You can count yourself lucky if, at a certain age, you realize what the more negative influences were. To be able to free yourself you have to see them first, so becoming aware of it is a good first step. The real fun begins when you see how your parents were influenced by your grandparents, etc. Some of the stuff I do has something to do with the way my grandma acted towards her kids. The good news is that you can step way from some of it if you decide to. And I´m not talking about serious trauma or anything like that, just ordinary small things.
Speaking of trauma:

"Sweety, whould you please come down? We bought you some new chalk and we´d like to talk to you because you´re adopted"

 

[guesswho]

lol that kid's face is funny : ))

 

[Sunny Ghost]

I think there is truth to your notion. But even recognizing or rebelling against the pattern, you're still working with the same circular pattern.

My example: As a child, I moved here from another country. I was automatically behind the other students, not to mention had problems with the language. I had to use hooked on phonics... My sister is younger, and since I was doing the hooked on phonics thing, my sister did as well. For me, I was behind my class... for my sister, she was ahead. We followed this circular pattern, where she always made straight A's and did her homework, and I was a C student who avoided homework and studying at all costs. Continuing the cycle, I always felt insecure and unintelligent. My sister was always praised for being smart.

Eventually, I broke this cycle and grew to have more confidence in myself and in my intelligence. I worked at school, using my strengths and learning in my own way, a way that worked for me. Self-taught, I consider myself... and that being the case, I consider the ability to also be another form of intelligence. Slowly, over time, I no longer have the insecurities I once had.

But ultimately... aren't I still just a product of my childhood?

I used to hate my family... but now I appreciate even the hardships as they've made me who I am today. And I like the person I am today. I'm a product of these experiences.

 

[mochajava]

Here's an innocuous example: I hate shopping, to this day. One day, I realized the reason why. I was coming back from looking for shoes, and just felt completely disappointed in myself for not having found / bought anything. It was like a flashback to something from my childhood (much of which is blocked out, then I remembered what it was).

When my mother and I used to go shopping yearly (because I used to grow bigger in those days and need new clothes annually), it became an emotionally harrowing affair for me. She would yell at scream that things I chose were too fitted (I wore oversized clothes until my junior year of college), or that I took too long to choose things, or that everything was too expensive. Then all of her frustrations just came out, onto me, in the privacy of the car on the way there and back. Really not a fun experience.

Realizing this, I thought that maybe I wasn't sure whether or not I liked shopping, and I surely had a negative association, but maybe I can beta test and see if it's something I like. I went back, and I realized that - yes - it's tiring, online is great; but it can be fun in a small amount for me. So the cycle was broken and I had my own opinion about the matter, not the one conditioned from childhood.

Now, I realize that whether or not you enjoy shopping is a trivial matter as far as life goes, but I thought this was a fairly simple illustrative example with a good resolution.

 

[Haphazard]

The way I am now makes me wonder if something horrible happened in my childhood that's just now playing out.

 

[Such Irony]

My parents tend to be the types who don't put themselves out there and are rather self-doubting. Guess what? Same here!

My parents tend to avoid conflict and tend to have a passive/agressive approach when interacting with each other. I find I interact in a similar way with my mother compared to how my father and mother interact. It's kinda creepy and I'd love to break free of that pattern.

 

[Sacrophagus]

Bump for wisdom.

 

[The Cat]

Bump for wisdom.

Nice find ^_^

 

[Yuurei]

Nice find ^_^

I'd love to contribute to this fascinating thread. But I'll refrain for fear that it goes anywhere even a little personal and I drive everyone away because how dare I talk about my own experiences. I should know better dammit!

 

[Maou]

Oh yeah, my parents have definitely influenced my patterns of behavior. Lucky for me though, that I caught it early. The problem was, I completely lacked alternative methods of engagement. So I made my own through trial and error, and observation.

 

[Abcdenfp]

In my experience (but I'd like to look into it, if there are any sources supporting this), it either goes that you second the patterns your parents taught you, or you go the exact opposite way.
Examples: ENTP 784 sx/so raised by overly strict parents, forced to study the holy scriptures since he was a child, was beaten up by his father, couldn't go anywhere without his parents' consent. As an adult, he has a reckless relationship with drugs, casual and unprotected sex, and often gets in trouble just for the sake of it, strongly atheist (although this one could be a positive thing).
On the other hand:
INFP, came from a disfunctional and abusive family. Since she was a child, she's learned to understand her feelings and elaborate them in order not to go crazy. Now she's studying to become a therapist.

i do think as well that childhood patterns/ associations more often then naught cause individuals to decide between sticking to the methods of their parents (to an extreme degree) or veering off to the extreme opposite.

i think the most productive thing one can do is learn how to function outside of these childhood influences but it can be difficult because we hear our parents voices first in our heads and if they are very loud it is hard to hear our own over theirs and even if you are able to hear your own not to have feelings of guilt / anguish / shame over thinking differently then originally taught..