Meta Understanding with 'I' and 'you'

[Mole]

This is a thread to comment on the thread, "Showing Understanding with 'I' and 'you'.

So I would appreciate if you would limit yourself in the original thread to the format -

I: I ............................

You: You ....................

However in this thread I encourage you to comment on the original thread. Give your opinion, make jokes, even play with the format. However the original thread will only work if we stick to the format above.

 

[Mole]

So I make my first meta comment on the thread, "Showing Understanding with 'I' and 'you'.

First the format is a direct copy of the Q and A format -

Q: ......................

A: .......................

And it will work if we stick to the format in the original thread and limit our comments to this thread.

 

[Mole]

Thank you for working with us.

My second meta comment is that the original thread has a serious purpose, that is why it is in, "Other Psychology Topics", and not in the, "Bonfire".

And the serious purpose of the original thread is to show understanding. But even more important, it is to practise showing understanding.

If we follow the format and the practice, we will find we will be slowly changing. We will find we will be slowly changing in the direction of more understanding.

Of course I understand many here don't want to change, so for the sake of the rest of us, I ask them to limit their comments, opinions, jokes and objections to this thread.

There is a place for meta comments and this is the place.

Thank you for working with us.

 

[Mole]

A Simple Beginning

My third meta comment is that practicing 'I' and 'you' is the first step in learning to show understanding. Or we might say it is the first step in learning empathy.

The first step is by necessity absolutely basic. In other words we simply change 'I' to 'you' and repeat the statement 'I' has made.

Another way of looking at it is that it is a training in relationship between two different people.

Of course this is not the normal way we talk, and this is because we are learning a new way of talking.

So we might say the first step is repetition and the second step is paraphrase. And the third step is mirroring. Mirroring what is said and how it is said, with the simple purpose of letting the other person know they are understood.

If we stick with the practice of 'I' and 'you' after a while we will get it and then we will be able to generalise it to all our relationships.

Yes, it is a very simple beginning but once we learn to do it, we can take it anywhere with us and into any relationship.

 

[Aquarelle]

Reminds me of the conflict resolution techniques we used to learn about in health class:

"I feel_______________ when you______________________. I would like you to______________________."

Using these types of sentences does actually help during a conflict. I kind of forgot about it. I should try it with my spouse next time we have a conflict.

 

[Mole]

Reminds me of the conflict resolution techniques we used to learn about in health class:

"I feel_______________ when you______________________. I would like you to______________________."

Using these types of sentences does actually help during a conflict. I kind of forgot about it. I should try it with my spouse next time we have a conflict.

Yes, this simply practice can change the way we think and the way we relate to each other.

However I think I would like to add something to the original thread. So instead of it being 'I' and 'you', it is 'I', 'you' and 'I'.

I think 'I', 'you' and 'I' would add converstional flow, so rather than being a one off, it is a continual flow of 'I's and 'you's and 'I' again.

 

[Mole]

Plenty

We all want to be understood. But understanding is in scarce supply. So how can we create an environment where understanding is pleniful?

Well we need to practise understanding. We need to start right from the very beginning. So we start by changing 'I' to 'you' and repeating the rest.

This practice may seem tedious and beneath us at first but if we persist, after a while we will get it. And having got it, we will be tempted to stop there, but getting it is not enough, we need to make understaning second nature.

And to make understanding second nature, we need to keep practising. And as we practise, we progress. We progress from repeating to paraphrasing to mirroring. But it is all practice. We practise until we take understaning for granted, and by then it has become our second nature. And we are contributing to a social environment of plenty.

 

[Lien]

i think i may understand how the exercise works. embarrassing if i actually don't.

the first step, Repetition: i think of when a teacher makes a student rewrite definitions from a book.

the student might find this tedious and might not even see the point of it. but by doing so, it may stop the brain from reading over the definition too quickly and editing out parts, in particular such as things they don't necessarily agree with. those things, that we don't agree with, probably might not be remembered or forgotten quickly.

the second step, Paraphrase: if you can't summarize what you learned that day, then most likely you didn't actually learn anything.

maybe when you answer a question mentally, there are gaps in the knowledge that you don't realize until you write it out completely.

but in many cases, if you just summarized what the person said, it wouldn't make them happy. I imagine a doctor saying to a patient, “Yes, I understand you are dieing.” it would feel a little insufficient for the patient.


so the third step: Mirroring

it isn't just paraphrasing, but something a little more. i'm afraid i may not understand this fully. but as you say, “how it is said”. so it is about the manner it was spoken, or the emotion. maybe it is empathy. knowing how the other person feels (in the case of the doctor, the patient is sad. he should say he is sorry, or something to show that he understands the patient is not happy).

--
i guess this exercise is done in hopes to help make people.. realize. that it's harder to understand something than one would think.

i wonder if i am right, and if it will work.

 

[Mole]

Mirror Neurons and Understanding

Of course it will work. It only requires practice. And of course it is mechanical like learning the times-table or memorising poetry by heart. And it's mechanical for a purpose - to put the critical mind to sleep so the creative mind can transform itself in play.

And we are made for transformation. Your head and mine are replete with mirror neurons. We spend a small fortune in tuning our bodies in boutiquue gymnasiums, so now it is time to tune our mirror neurons to one another, to find the same wavelength.

We all long to find someone on the same wavelength, we all long to find someone in tune with us, we alll long for a soulmate, well here we are learing to be soulmates.

The demand for soulmates is there, so all we need is supply.

 

[Lien]

i can't wait to practice, then.

 

[Mole]

Active Listening

Another way of describing this practice is, "Active listening".

So at first we practise in a mechanical way, quite like practising the scales on the piano, in order to enter the listening mode.

And as we practise we find we are changing and active listening becomes second nature. And this is the purpose of the practice.

And just as those who think they can play the piano without practice, are deluded, so those who think they can listen actively without practice are also deluded.

I am told the purpose of MBTI is mutual understanding. But it is plain that for most of the time we talk past one another or we argue and we become frustrated and angry.

So by practising active listening, we will achieve the satisfaction of understanding one another and fulfilling the promise of MBTI.