My intention there was never to argue, just to clarify. I spent too much time thinking about this and it took a lot for me to figure it out, identify what is lacking and what I don’t know about how to change it, put it into words as coherently as I could, and then to finally send it out there to be met with: well, no, X proves you can’t be below average. I have thought about it before, the writing bit. This, too, took me a while to see that just because it looks good, doesn’t mean I’m smart. Maybe we’re working with two different definitions of smart, here? I don’t know. I do know that I’m not a complete blubbering idiot, and also that I do honestly lack basic skills that most people have (I can’t add 2 digit numbers in my head. I can barely read an analog clock. I can’t, for the life of me, grasp 7th grade algebra. Just to name a few specific examples. But more importantly—there is nothing in their stead with which to be able to dismiss them as trivial things I just wasn’t meant to be good at.) That is precisely why I was quick to point it out, to make it more specific and accurate—not to resist acknowledgment/acceptance or to discredit your response. I can totally understand how it looks that way, though. It looks like I have this one, all-encompassing idea built up and so I’m shunning any alternative interpretation that doesn’t align perfectly with, or even, in a sense threatens, mine. It’s just not the case, and it is not fair to blame you for not having known that. I never explained it. I had considered that maybe I am smart, and for whatever reason, my expectations were just too high? Maybe I am just really insecure, period, end of story? Etc. etc. etc. But
why? These just never stood up to further analysis, and weren’t supported by anything in my life to the degree that actually lacking intelligence has, which is why this is presented here so definitively. You’re seeing a [tentative] result, and then the frustration/confusion that comes with it, not the process. If I didn’t want advice, I would not have asked. Similarly, if I didn’t think I’m worth something, or of any value, I wouldn’t try to fix it, draw attention to, and ask for help (nor would I write enormous paragraphs about myself!
) And if I didn’t value the advice, I would not have addressed it and tried to clarify what I meant. In short, this isn’t a game. If anything at all, I’m taking it too seriously.
Yes, Night, it looks circular and quite like I’m affirming the consequent, but it is not SOLELY dependent upon that ONE aspect to perpetuate the cycle; it just incidentally includes it, and given the nature of it, has disproportionate influence. My lack of intelligence is not the ONLY reason I can’t figure this out (oh, how easy that’d be!) but the fact that I am lacking, is a large part of it. In addition to that, I lack motivation, focus, experience, perspective, maturity, patience, resourcefulness, and the strength of character and humility with which to ask for help IRL when I need it. These aren’t excuses (well, they’ve earned that status now because I recognize them and still have yet to do anything about it.) I’ve done that shit before. I used “I’m lazy†as an excuse for absolutely everything, and a get-out-of-jail-free card in order to not feel guilty for cutting corners in schoolwork and other things—a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes, I’m lazy, but that’s not all I am, nor the only possible thing that could ever be wrong. Yes? I know why you thought that, though. Oy, I can say very little in so many words.
Why do I want to be intelligent? I want to be able to understand things at a level my brain is simply not equipped to, and no amount of perseverance will practically allow for.
But that doesn’t answer the question. Why? I want to be able to use that understanding and do something with it. “
Useful?†Not just to understand, but to extrapolate from, create something new and apply. I want to “get†things. I want to know in as much depth and breadth about the world I live in, so what I do with it
isn’t redundant and thereby
useful in
some way. The way I figure, that’s all I can reasonably expect to do with my life. I only have one. Why shouldn’t I know as much about it and the things it’s surrounded by as possible? It’s annoying that I won’t ever be able to do so at a level that others can. So why does it matter so much to me?
I’m not them. I don’t KNOW! Envy?
I was not born atop the mountain. I was born hanging off the cliff; I can see those, there, at the top, but lack the natural strength and flexibility to pull myself up, and then also put myself in a position that I can’t simply work the muscles, become stronger, and then pull myself up. Stuck. I can feel the gravity, the allure, of the valley below my dangling feet. It would very well be easier and perhaps best to just let go now and allow whatever it is I am to be, freely. I know I will let go eventually, as I can’t hang on forever, but something, internally, will not permit me to let go prematurely, nor willingly. The final, frantic plea for a strengthened, realistically re-framed perspective, the last few, muttered second-guesses of a suicidal ego? That, and I have no alternative and obvious talents/aptitudes/interests/desires, sort of compounding the frustration. The discrepancy is then highlighted and I’m left annoyed that I value something in myself that doesn’t even really exist. It doesn’t make any sense at all. There’s a level of balance, of give-and-take with people, I think. Sure, some kids skip out on classes and schoolwork, but take an active interest in their social/family lives. Others, it’s the opposite. And for the especially balanced/healthy, they want and manage both. Why don’t I want/want to have either? I don’t feel the need for a social life at all, but then, I’m not academic. I’m not good with people, but then, nor am I good with ideas. This of course is not the only give-and-take example, but the easiest to point to. It just seems like I don’t, or haven’t given myself something to fall back on; it’s all or nothing. Of my own doing, of course, but still,
why did I do that? Relationships can make the ride more enjoyable, happier, or alternatively, the opposite, but in most cases, both. They add the flavor, but the substance remains the same. This is only how I see it; I’m not saying this is true for everyone. I just don’t see relationships as something I want to spend my time actively pursuing. If they happen, okay,if not, okay. At the end of the day, I am always going to be just one me. Alone, but not lonely. When I have something to offer others, in the way of help or anything else, I will gladly give it. I’m in no way qualified, or in any position to offer anything to anyone. At all. Nor does anyone ever ask for my help/advice/whatever or seem like they want it.
Again, I think I need to clarify something, please don’t feel I am attacking or being contrary for the sake of it—I just really want to make this clear.
I do not judge other people, and extensions of their personhood, with the same ruler I do myself, actually, not even the same measurement system. As hypocritical as it is, I just don’t think it’s my business. They can supply their definitions/contexts, and I’ll use/work within those, and in some cases, alongside mine (like with family) if and when it’s even warranted to do as such. I don’t think intelligence, or the degree of it, is the sole defining factor of all human worth. Rather, that we’re left to figure that out for ourselves, and only
for ourselves. Taking huge variation into account, it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever to think that
my personal definition/interpretation/meaning will apply flawlessly to everyone. Some people are compassionate, loving, helpful, handy, musical, athletic etc. and feel that is their “thing†their “raison d’être†and who the HELL am I to say it’s not, or that it’s “not a worthy one?†All I know is that it isn’t
mine. That’s it.
I feel I must reiterate that I didn’t consciously have “intelligence and the lack of it†in mind with every problem I had created. It was only after the fact did I boil it down, strip it naked, and see it for what it was. I could even be wrong, not about whether I’m smart or not, but about whether that is truly as deep as it goes. Maybe there’s also some other hidden motivation underneath that one that I just can’t see. So, yes, I am, right now, unhealthily fixated on this and it took so much to get here--to feel that I am finally seeing relatively clear for the first time. Fixation, yes, very close, borderline obsessive attention paid to the issue, is necessary, at least for me, to work through and finally fix it. Else, I will leave it alone, and that nagging sense of “unresolve†will inevitably creep back up on me with a vengeance. I’ve just never shared it with anyone else before. I didn’t really know what it looked like. I can’t, rather, I WON’T, let this alone to fester. I have to deal with it directly to restore functionality to my life, and so as not to allow it to take some other form I’d have to experience--> boil down--> identify--> and then try to rectify all over again. Is there a better way that I could do it, this in mind? Is there a way I could identify it initially? Attacking the insecurity first seems more short-term practical, but I don’t know if it would really be the case “practical†period. It’s like when you weed the garden half-assedly breaking off only the visible parts, leaving the roots intact. Sure, it looks fine and dand…elion free, and now you’ve time for other stuff, but wait a few days and there they are. If you just spent an extra hour, with more work, assuring you’d got ‘em all by the roots, then, in place of ‘em, sprayed some anti-weed crap, they wouldn’t grow back as quickly or annoyingly the same, and you wouldn’t be back there in that same garden, weeding like a maniac, a short while later.
