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Great Moments In Self-Control

Lark

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Which type do you think has the most self-control? What are your great moments of self-control or what are your favourite memories of others exhibiting self-control or even your favourite moments from film and fiction.

I think this is one of the things I find most virtuous or admire in others, and other people sure can display it to a much greater extent than me.

The last time I came close to losing control I was turning right at a T junction and someone came quickly around a bend at the back of my car and tried to overtake on the right hiting the front right of my car as I turned. That would have been bad enough but they ploughed on, it effectively wrenched the front part of my car off and tore the whole side of their ford Ka off (seriously those cars are made of tin foil).

When I got hit it was like "Oh Shit!" but when they ploughed on it was like dodgems, that's what it felt like but I felt an overwhelming rage, like "This isnt dodgems you f**tard! Look what you're doing to my car! Look what you're doing to me! I'm under attack!". In that moment I seriously had an impulse to hit the accelerator and just push them off the damn road altogether but I stopped myself.

When I got out of the car they turned out to be, and you could tell this from appearence, someone who wasnt too bright, to be charitable, who then informed me they where racing to work, they had a mobile phone in their hand which I suspect they where on while driving and they also immediately implied the collision was my fault and they where injured. I could have kicked their ass there and then but I waited to fight them in court.

Didnt get any satisfaction that way because of a legal precident set in England where apparently this happens all the time and its now become the responsibility of the driver turning right to indicate and ensure it is understood by other motorists ie you sit still and dont move at all, it was settled 50/50 insurance claim.

The other main time I remember was on a caving trip when I freaked out in something called a traverse and had a kind of involuntary mental dialogue telling me if I simply plunged down a cravice I'd be fine or it would be less stressful than trying to climb out, madness! Convinced me of the Freudian "death instinct" having some root in reality anyway. I controlled myself and made it out of that passage.
 

Fluffywolf

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I think it isn't as type related as one might think.

For example, it's easy to say INTP's are always in control, but that's because when they aren't in control they are passive agressive and still seem in control even though they are not.

We all have our boundaries and when they are crossed we tend to toss normal procedure out of the window. There are people capable of tolerating more than others but I don't think it has much to do with type at all.

As for J/P dichotomy. P's are more laid-back and easy going by nature. But that doesn't mean they are better at controlling themselves. Judgers sometimes might seem out of control, especially from the perspective of perceivers, but they're actually quite in control of themselves. They just project differently.

I'd say it's more interesting to see how the different types react when out of control. Rather than which type is best at keeping control. Because the latter is basicly just an illusion.


I am personally very good at keeping control and not being passive agressive about things nowadays, but when I was a bit younger that wasn't particularly the case. Back then I might have seemed in control by others, but I was pretty much yoyo'ing all over the place passive agressively. :D The fact that I don't have control issues, even in situations where the average person would flip out, doesn't have anything to do with my type, but rather with my experiences.
 

Lark

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What do you understand by passive aggressive? I hear that used quite a bit but the way in which people describe it it sounds more like casually aggressive, passsive aggression as I understand it is non-compliant or pro-actively resistant.

So someone who challenges and fights direction could be aggressive, someone who does it all the time and casually, perhaps their whole style of communication is premised upon this kind of behaviour is casually aggressive, whereas deliberately failing to meet with expectations or perform as expected following direction but without complaint about or comment upon or challenge to the original direction is passive aggression.

Perhaps I'm using that word inaccurately, if I am correct me or provide an explanation which is more appropriate, cheers. :)
 

Fluffywolf

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What do you understand by passive aggressive? I hear that used quite a bit but the way in which people describe it it sounds more like casually aggressive, passsive aggression as I understand it is non-compliant or pro-actively resistant.

So someone who challenges and fights direction could be aggressive, someone who does it all the time and casually, perhaps their whole style of communication is premised upon this kind of behaviour is casually aggressive, whereas deliberately failing to meet with expectations or perform as expected following direction but without complaint about or comment upon or challenge to the original direction is passive aggression.

Perhaps I'm using that word inaccurately, if I am correct me or provide an explanation which is more appropriate, cheers. :)

Passive agressiveness:
Being agressive without letting the person know you're agressive. Thinking badly of the person or screwing the person over behind their backs as a way of 'retaliation'.

Example:

Random person does some for of injustice to the passive agressive person. The passive agressive person swallows it up, thinking to himself "you bastard, I'm gonna deflate your tires when you turn around and aren't looking." all the while smiling at the person as if nothing is wrong.
 

Lark

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Passive agressiveness:
Being agressive without letting the person know you're agressive. Thinking badly of the person or screwing the person over behind their backs as a way of 'retaliation'.

Example:

Random person does some for of injustice to the passive agressive person. The passive agressive person swallows it up, thinking to himself "you bastard, I'm gonna deflate your tires when you turn around and aren't looking." all the while smiling at the person as if nothing is wrong.

:laugh:

That sounds like a crazy sort of covert reactive aggression, could be a true or better definition, I'm not that familar, I've always thought passive aggressiveness has been an Americanism.
 

Fluffywolf

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:laugh:

That sounds like a crazy sort of covert reactive aggression, could be a true or better definition, I'm not that familar, I've always thought passive aggressiveness has been an Americanism.

Yeah, it might seem people like that are 'in control'. Because they don't 'flip out' on the spot. But they're not, because if they were they wouldn't need to retaliate or come up with a better solution. It's just a different way of losing control.
 

Coriolis

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Passive agressiveness:
Being agressive without letting the person know you're agressive. Thinking badly of the person or screwing the person over behind their backs as a way of 'retaliation'.

Example:

Random person does some for of injustice to the passive agressive person. The passive agressive person swallows it up, thinking to himself "you bastard, I'm gonna deflate your tires when you turn around and aren't looking." all the while smiling at the person as if nothing is wrong.
I know an INTP who will frequently not bother to indicate that he disagrees with something another person is doing or has done. The other person then continues, thinking he has the INTP's agreement. Only later, sometimes weeks later, does the INTP let loose at the other person for that particular event. I have always considered that to be passive-aggressive (perhaps incorrectly), and have always been surprised to see an INTP behave this way. I prefer either to disagree in the moment, or genuinely to give in or accept the situation, perhaps simply as the lesser of two evils, in which case I won't hold it over the other person since I had my chance to disagree and did not.
 

Stevo

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I know an INTP who will frequently not bother to indicate that he disagrees with something another person is doing or has done. The other person then continues, thinking he has the INTP's agreement. Only later, sometimes weeks later, does the INTP let loose at the other person for that particular event. I have always considered that to be passive-aggressive (perhaps incorrectly), and have always been surprised to see an INTP behave this way. I prefer either to disagree in the moment, or genuinely to give in or accept the situation, perhaps simply as the lesser of two evils, in which case I won't hold it over the other person since I had my chance to disagree and did not.

I can relate to this. I tend not to voice criticisms most of the time unless specifically asked for an opinion. That's all it takes to know if we approve: Just ask! If you don't we'll let you continue on your merry way without our approval. In most situations, it doesn't matter to us in the end.
 

William K

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When I read the thread title, I thought it was about going against the call of nature :whistling:

What do you understand by passive aggressive?

The way it's been used to describe me is in the following scenario :-
I do something that I feel deserves a pat on the back but pretend that I don't care and wasn't looking for compliments. Then when I don't get any compliments, I get angry.
 

You

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Can I tell the story about the goldfish?
 

Totenkindly

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I don't always think self-control is a good thing.
Sometimes it's a coward's way out of not having to face legitimate conflict.

I spent a lot of my life living in self-restraint, which was good in some ways and not in others. Having to deal with my parents growing up, and being unable to communicate with either because they were incapable or unwilling to have any reasonable discourse, I learned to control myself instead and not let my emotions express themselves in my body (as much as possible) except for when I chose. That's not a great thing either, it kills sponaneity for the good stuff.

I usually did not show fear and could make myself do things most people would have had trouble doing (including 2-3 hour drives in the middle of the night on little sleep, or that 6-hour drive by myself through an actual blizzard one holiday, back around when I was twenty). But I tolerated some horrible depression and misery over the years of my life trying to make an untenable situation work, by just sticking my nose to the grindstone and controlling how I felt. There were times I just wanted to make decisions based on my emotional state but I squelched it instead because I believed I should. And despite my wanting to get along with people and feeling like I always had to be civil, nice, kind, whatever, there have been people I've met who I just found insufferable ... yet somehow managed to suck it up. Maybe not always for the best.

I don't exercise as much control as I used to, partly by choice -- I was tired of feeling that level of disconnect from my actual source of energy and internal emotion, and I don't always see the point of control nowadays if the conflict needs to happen and deserves to happen. I guess I could say instead of self-controlling all the time out of fear, I'd rather consciously make choices about how to respond.
 

Halla74

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My (Common) Great Accomplishments in Self Control:

(1) Sitting Still :dry:
(2) Not Speaking When Others are Speaking :huh:
(3) Keeping the Volume of My Voice Down :doh:
(4) Finishing Any Reading Assignment from Grad School :zzz:
 

Coriolis

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I don't always think self-control is a good thing.
Sometimes it's a coward's way out of not having to face legitimate conflict.

I usually did not show fear and could make myself do things most people would have had trouble doing (including 2-3 hour drives in the middle of the night on little sleep, or that 6-hour drive by myself through an actual blizzard one holiday, back around when I was twenty). But I tolerated some horrible depression and misery over the years of my life trying to make an untenable situation work, by just sticking my nose to the grindstone and controlling how I felt. There were times I just wanted to make decisions based on my emotional state but I squelched it instead because I believed I should. And despite my wanting to get along with people and feeling like I always had to be civil, nice, kind, whatever, there have been people I've met who I just found insufferable ... yet somehow managed to suck it up. Maybe not always for the best.

I don't exercise as much control as I used to, partly by choice -- I was tired of feeling that level of disconnect from my actual source of energy and internal emotion, and I don't always see the point of control nowadays if the conflict needs to happen and deserves to happen. I guess I could say instead of self-controlling all the time out of fear, I'd rather consciously make choices about how to respond.
But the underlined is a form of self control, too. Self-control is not about avoiding conflict, but rather about handling it in the manner of your choosing, so you have no regrets later and are more likely to get a favorable outcome.

The highlighted sound very familiar, but for me the experiences were much more positive. The ability to control my emotions and reactions in these situations boosted my confidence and demonstrated the effectiveness of the approach, encouraging me to develop it more. As for driving, I've always enjoyed driving almost anywhere, any time, in any conditions. When I was younger, it was just another challenge. I still enjoy driving somewhere new for the first time.
 

tinker683

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My (Common) Great Accomplishments in Self Control:

(1) Sitting Still :dry:
(2) Not Speaking When Others are Speaking :huh:
(3) Keeping the Volume of My Voice Down :doh:
(4) Finishing Any Reading Assignment from Grad School :zzz:

:rofl1:

Man I love ESTPs, they are so great!

As for me: I'd think xSTJs are probably the best at self-control. Very socially conscious, reserved and dispassionate.

As for me, my best moment of self control was several years ago when a very attractive married woman propositioned me and I hadn't had sex at that point in a little over 3 years. I was rather proud of myself for turning her down (though I will say it was certainly not easy).
 

Totenkindly

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But the underlined is a form of self control, too.

The highlighted sound very familiar, but for me the experiences were much more positive. The ability to control my emotions and reactions in these situations boosted my confidence and demonstrated the effectiveness of the approach, encouraging me to develop it more.

Well, yeah. I offered those specifically as examples of self-control... and they were positive. I developed confidence because of them. (Not everyone could have made that blizzard drive, and I was only 20. My parents were really upset with me for doing it, but for my part I was an adult AND I weighed the situation, realized I could do it, and then I handled the driving in such a manner as to succeed. it took me 6 hours to make a 3 hour trip, but i still did it. That told me a lot about myself.)

Self-control is not about avoiding conflict, but rather about handling it in the manner of your choosing, so you have no regrets later and are more likely to get a favorable outcome.

It can be both. That was my point.

I think people are looking it just as the latter, but I've even seen people here on this forum who consistently control things in ways to shut down other people in discussions rather than risk conflict. It's a sneaky little game, masquerading something bad as a positive...


As for driving, I've always enjoyed driving almost anywhere, any time, in any conditions. When I was younger, it was just another challenge. I still enjoy driving somewhere new for the first time.

me too, actually. I love racing games like Need for Speed, and my 50-minute commute nowadays, while sometimes feeling tedious, has been a positive challenge in seeing how I could minimize time spent on the road and get to know the specifics of the drive.

I actually have to be careful if I play too much computer driving, because then I tend to respond on the road as if I were still in the game... and game physics are not only different but mistakes in-game don't have real-life ramifications.
 

Aquarelle

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I'm experiencing a great moment of self-control right now. I'd really like to throw my computer out the window and refuse to do any more work on this God-forsaken web audit project. I AM NOT A WEB PROFESSIONAL!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!

Hey person at work who IS a web professional-- you got your reclassification... now DO the work you're getting paid more for! I'm still bitter that you got a reclass and I didn't. :steam::steam:
 

Lark

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My (Common) Great Accomplishments in Self Control:

(1) Sitting Still :dry:
(2) Not Speaking When Others are Speaking :huh:
(3) Keeping the Volume of My Voice Down :doh:
(4) Finishing Any Reading Assignment from Grad School :zzz:

I cant remember the source of the quote but there was someone who said that the problems of mankind all basically stemmed back to the inability to still by yourself.
 
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