Self-Esteem

[ygolo]

What is it?
How does one increase it?
Should it be increased?
How would one help a friend with unrealistically low self-esteem?
Should it be earned (given based on evidence)? or should it be unconditional?
.
.
.

Note I am already aware of the following threads:
How is your Self-Esteem?

The Downward Spiral of Self-Esteem

I just wanted to start a more general discussion.

 

[Magic Poriferan]

1: It is the ability to respect yourself, and believe that you deserve respect.

2: I think increasing partly has to do with meeting goals, but I honestly don't know how to increase it.

3: There's a balance. Some people need to increase it, and others need to decrease it. It's difficult to tell exactly where that line is, but it's usually pretty easy to identify when someone is far to one of the ends of this spectrum.

4: that differs from person to person. People have different causes for their self-esteem problems(this is where typology comes in ). I think it is consistent to try and identify the source, and be support your friend in overcoming it, but that's very general advice.

5: I think there is a minimum deserved for being a human, but I honestly believe in a merit system. A person shouldn't be made to feel great about themselves if the really never have made an effort to do anything good.

 

[OctaviaCaesar]

Self-esteem is your attitude toward yourself. I believe one increases it by the way one talks to oneself. It should be honest, accurate, and helpful, and increased. One should tell one's friends about their capabilities, gifts, and worth as a human being, and encourage them to appreciate themselves. Self-esteem should be given by the self to the self as love unconditionally.

 

[miss fortune]

What is it? the manner in which one regards oneself

How does one increase it? by reflecting on exactly how awesome you are, positive feedback, doing something that makes you feel good about yourself?

Should it be increased? yes- because you only end up hurting those around you and yourself if you have low self esteem- it doesn't help anyone!

How would one help a friend with unrealistically low self-esteem? get them a makeover, haircut, get them in shape, take them to places where they can positively interact with people

Should it be earned (given based on evidence)? or should it be unconditional? self esteem should be unconditional, since you have to live with yourself and it has such a large effect on how you interact with others and such, but it doesn't mean that you have to approve of everything that you do- just like you can still like someone, but not like everything about them!

 

[Athenian200]

What is it?

Seeing yourself and your needs as valuable/worthwhile in some way.

How does one increase it?

Living up to your own standards, or those of others you hold in high regard.

Should it be increased?

Yes, because it leads to a happier life.

How would one help a friend with unrealistically low self-esteem?

Citing positive things that they've done, showing them that they're not much worse than many other people, boosting them up. Validating their feelings.

Should it be earned (given based on evidence)? or should it be unconditional?

I'm thinking it should be unconditional in most cases. Low self-esteem doesn't give you any incentive to improve yourself.

 

[alcea rosea]

Self-Esteem
What is it?

It's that you feel good with yourself. You are content with what you are. You feel at home in your body. You have enough self knowledge. You are at ease with yourself. You know your boundaries and respect other people to treat them right.

How does one increase it?

It increases with support, encouragement and when getting good experiences of yourself. Knowing yourself will also help.

Should it be increased?

Yes if it's so low that it affects your life.

How would one help a friend with unrealistically low self-esteem?

Support, encouragement, hugs and love.

Should it be earned (given based on evidence)? or should it be unconditional?

Earned? Unconditional? What a weird question. It is what it is.

 

[INTJMom]

Twelve Steps to Increase Your Self-Esteem

Motivational Article - Twelve Steps to Increase Your Self-Esteem

STEP 1
------
Stop comparing yourself with others.
There will always be some people who have more than you and some who have less.
You are unique and your purpose is to express your uniqueness. Who can do that better than you?

STEP 2
------
Stop diminishing yourself with negative judgments.
You can't develop high self-esteem if you repeat negative phrases about yourself and your abilities.

STEP 3
------
Avoid perfectionism.
Perfectionism paralyzes you and keeps you from accomplishing your goals.

STEP 4
------
Surround yourself with positive, supportive people.
When you are surrounded by negative people who constantly put you down, your self-esteem is diminished.

STEP 5
------
Acknowledge yourself.
Get yourself a beautiful booklet, and write in it every night, before going to sleep, 20 things you did well during the day. Big or small, doesn't matter, as long as you allow yourself to feel acknowledged.

STEP 6
------
Give more of yourself to those around you.
When you do things for others, you are making a positive contribution and subsequently begin to feel more valuable, which, in turn, lifts your spirits and raises your own self-esteem.

STEP 7
------
Get involved in the work and activities that inspire you.
It's hard to feel good about yourself if your days are spent in work you detest.
Even if you cannot leave your present work situation immediately, you can still devote leisure time to hobbies and activities, which you find stimulating and enjoyable.

STEP 8
------
Be true to yourself.
Live your own life - not the life others have decided is best for you.
If you're making decisions based on getting approval from friends and relatives, you aren't being true to yourself and your self-esteem will suffer as a direct consequence.

STEP 9
------
Solve problems.
Don't avoid problems, and don't complain about them.
Treat them as challenges and opportunities for growth.

STEP 10
-------
Respect your own needs.
Recognize and take care of your own needs and wants first.
Identify what really fulfills you - not just immediate gratifications.
Respecting your deeper needs will increase your sense of worth and well-being.

STEP 11
-------
Free yourself from "shoulds".
Live your life on the basis of what is possible for you and what feels right to you instead of what you or others think you "should" do.
Discover what you want and what you are good at and take actions designed to fulfill your potential.

And the most important of them all,

STEP 12
-------
Take action!
You won't develop high self-esteem if you sit on the sidelines and avoid challenges.
When you take action - regardless of the result - you feel better about yourself.
When you fail to move forward because of fear and anxiety, you create frustration and dissatisfaction within yourself.

 

[INTJMom]

Here's a key point to improving self esteem for people who are usually too hard on themselves:

"Make the Most of Success. Low self-esteem requires a particular attitude towards success: whenever you succeed at something, you must either forget about it, or quickly write it off' as good luck, chance, or someone else's responsibility. To gain a more realistic view of yourself, celebrate every little accomplishment, and make sure you take appropriate credit for your successes. "
Even Happier: How to increase your self-esteem

 

[INTJMom]

As a person who has struggled with self-esteem issues, I know how difficult and slow the process can be.

Here are some online resources for your friend:
Mind > Information > Booklets by series > How to > How to increase your self-esteem

Improving Self-esteem

There's a lot of information there, too much to post here.

 

[substitute]

I've always felt there's a subtle distinction to be made between self-esteem and self-confidence.

There have been various times in my life when I've been either:

1. Completely sure of my worth as a person, but frustrated and unconfident about whether or not others recognize it (is it lack of confidence in my social skills, but belief that despite lacking them I'm still good and worthwhile, or is it lack of confidence in others' perception and discernment?)

2. Completely confident of my ability to make a good impression, certain that I can make anyone like me, but yet desperately insecure as to my actual worth, so that when compliments are paid to me they feel meaningless because they're complimenting an 'act' - I'm not really a good person.

In situation 1 I have high self esteem but low confidence; in situation 2 it's the reverse.

 

[Athenian200]

I've always felt there's a subtle distinction to be made between self-esteem and self-confidence.

There have been various times in my life when I've been either:

1. Completely sure of my worth as a person, but frustrated and unconfident about whether or not others recognize it (is it lack of confidence in my social skills, but belief that despite lacking them I'm still good and worthwhile, or is it lack of confidence in others' perception and discernment?)

2. Completely confident of my ability to make a good impression, certain that I can make anyone like me, but yet desperately insecure as to my actual worth, so that when compliments are paid to me they feel meaningless because they're complimenting an 'act' - I'm not really a good person.

In situation 1 I have high self esteem but low confidence; in situation 2 it's the reverse.

Functionally, I would say Situation 1 is you judging yourself positively via Ti and negatively via Fe, and Situation 2 is you judging yourself positively via Fe and negatively via Ti. So the two are opposite one another. But one doesn't seem to preclude the other.

Anyway, I'm also guessing 1 is self-esteem, and 2 is self-confidence. Having both would mean that you were sure of your own value and your ability to make a good impression as yourself. Having neither would mean you felt worthless internally and thought no one liked you.

Did I follow you correctly?

 

[FallsPioneer]

What is it?

It's a judgment of the self's worth. It usually lends itself to security as a person and (stable) happiness.

How does one increase it?

The most obvious way to increase self-esteem is to be faced with your successes, to do things you're good at, things that can reassure you of your value and assets as a person. We need to be reminded why we are good people. Self-loving. (?) Any way of convincing yourself that you're one awesome dude/chick.

Should it be increased?

You take it (because you know you're good enough)
or
leave it (because you think you're not worth it...not worth yourself.)

How would one help a friend with unrealistically low self-esteem?

Two ways:

1. Show them that they can be successful.

2. Show them that they are loved.

Go with both.

Should it be earned (given based on evidence)? or should it be unconditional?

Evidence? Evidence helps. But nobody really sucks, some people just decide to suck, for whatever reason. I don't think it's fair to say that you have to earn the right to love yourself and believe you're a good person. So I would think unconditional...

Oh yeah, and substitute's post was awesome.