Reflection

[lorkan]

HAve you met a person that looks like taking drugs but tells you that he is feeling up and down all the time, I mean really down like having extremely dark thoughts. Thinking things like wanting to kill himself or others, and u get a very bad feeling just being around him and u get the impression that he isnt really self-aware in the real world. When u speak to him he answers but u get the feeling that he isnt being honest, and maybe that he even is intending not to be a honest person. He seems sometimes healthy but sometimes angry, neurotic and stressed.

If you remember my last post I described what i was feeling and shit. Now Im describing how I think others view me.

Anyway Im feeling veeeeeeery shitty. I have my newphew sitting playing my videogame and I can feel even now that there is something really shitty in the air and in my head. I can't have a normal conversation with anybody without feeling very disconnected to reality or to my own feelings.

When I talk to people they seem to want to end the discussion quickly and when I dont talk to people they seem to be pissed of by me not being upfront with them and telling them straight what Im thinking and feeling. I kind of feel a bit pissed of by this I guess and dont understand their reaction. In my personal view I don't understand that they dont understand that I am trying to be a honest and upfront person but I guess in their view Im not being honest because I dont make common human expression... im more like a zombie.

If you've seen the movie 187 with Samuel Jacksson and remember at the end of the movie, where he seemed to have become apathetic after first being stabed in the back by his own students and then have to struggle in a new school with shitass unapreciative students, well that's me now.

Will the lifeforce come back....?

 

[Pixelholic]

Sounds like dystimia or chronic depression (basically depression without the manic high phases or thoughts of suicide.)

You may possibly also have some kind of mild social phobia (that can cause the thoughts of others judging you that you describe.)

I'd seek therapy if you aren't already going.

 

[lorkan]

Hi Pixelholic, thanks for answering. I've seeked therapy about three months ago but ended it after 2 months because I wasnt pleased with the communication between me and my therapist and also because I was kind of impatient and wanted some serious guidelines for what to do (I so missed the point with therapy...). Anyway I've started again and Im planing on going 2 times a week.

The thing is I dont really know where to start and where to stop with a therapist. It seems that Im the one that's supposed to lead the conversation and that the therapist is the one that is supposed to jump in on something she/he finds interresting. Anyway when I talk about anything my voice is monoton and Im just telling things how they were and then starts to theorise and generally bullshit because I dont really know what Im feeling or what to think.

 

[Pixelholic]

My girlfriend is getting therapy for the same kind of thing (almost exactly like what you describe too.) It took her a while to find a good therapist that she liked. The first couple ones she went to didn't really seem to help her that much.

It's good that you're aware of this and you seem to understand that this is something you should try to seek help or advice for. The only thing I can really think of is to not give up on getting help. A lot of free clinics have social workers that will listen to you and can help you find the right resources.

As for the impatience thing, I can understand that since I have a loved one going through the same process. The thing is that these issues you're having didn't suddenly show up overnight and it's not going to be a quick and easy change or recovery. A lot of my girlfriend's therapy right now is revolving around her therapist helping her identify the sources of her anxiety and depression rather than some kind of sudden fix that will make everything go away. It's already having an effect on her mood and personality (a positive one) but it's slow going and it requires patience and commitment. Two months is definitely not enough time, but it's good to see that you're going again.

 

[stringstheory]

Hi Pixelholic, thanks for answering. I've seeked therapy about three months ago but ended it after 2 months because I wasnt pleased with the communication between me and my therapist and also because I was kind of impatient and wanted some serious guidelines for what to do (I so missed the point with therapy...). Anyway I've started again and Im planing on going 2 times a week.

i'd find another therapist; it's very important to find one with whom you can communicate well...it took me a lot of tries but i have to say it really was worth it.

If it makes sense, i'd try approaching therapy from this perspective and see if it works for you: I don't think (legally) a therapist can actually give you advice or tell you what to do...but what they can do is help you guide yourself through your thoughts in order to sort them out and lead yourself to your desired outcome, if that makes sense. I think a lot of people go to therapy expecting someone to solve their problems to some degree, when really it's not doing a lot to get down to the root of the problem, imo. It's hard enough to "correct" our own behaviour, much less have someone else successfully do it for us. However, if we come to the "correction" ourselves, in my experience it's been much easier to transition to the preferred behaviour. Try your best to summon patience, because by nature this is not a quick process.

What i've discovered my favourite therapists do is lead the discussion themselves, asking me a lot of questions to help me accurately verbalise how i am feeling ("what words would you use to describe the person who made you angry?" "why do you think you said that?" etc.)...but they still let me do all the talking. In this way I begin to "think out loud", which really helps me sort out my thoughts and find the inconsistencies in them if they exist.