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Jealousy: It shows you care

When I see jealousy in my partner, it is generally a...

  • xNTJ: positive thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSTP: positive thing...

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  • xSFP: positive thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSFP: negative thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSTJ: positive thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSTJ: negative thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSFJ: negative thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    27

KDude

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I'm not sure if it's good or bad. I'm not immune to it, but rarely vocalize it. More than likely, I'll just cut it off before things got serious if I see they need a bunch of attention elsewhere (give or take a few other reasons too..).
 

Giggly

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I'm not sure if it's good or bad. I'm not immune to it, but rarely vocalize it. More than likely, I'll just cut it off before things got serious if I see they need a bunch of attention elsewhere (give or take a few other reasons too..).

I am the same.
 

Mole

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Jealousy and Paternity Testing

and ANY man who looks through my cell phone or checks my e-mails is going to get dumped immediatly... I don't do ANYTHING for warrenting such suspicious behavior

Paternity testing provides empirical evidence of suspicious behaviour.

Yes, ever since we sequenced the genome, we have been able to pin-point suspicious behaviour with paternity testing.

And about one third of all paternity tests are positive.

And one third translates into a huge amount of suspicious behaviour.

And paternity tests are easy to perform and get cheaper by the day.

Until we sequenced the genome, it was men who found it hard to hide suspicious behaviour, but now paternity testing is shinning the spotlight on women.
 

runvardh

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I want a girl to be able to trust that I won't cheat on her, that I'll be there when she needs help, and that I'll butt out when she doesn't. However, I want to trust that she won't cheat on me, she'll tell me when she needs my help, and that she won't cop an attitude when I ask her if she's ok or I stop a fist unprompted. Is that unreasonable?
 

Giggly

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and ANY man who looks through my cell phone or checks my e-mails is going to get dumped immediatly... I don't do ANYTHING for warrenting such suspicious behavior :thelook:

What about Facebook?
 

Ivy

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Paternity testing provides empirical evidence of suspicious behaviour.

Yes, ever since we sequenced the genome, we have been able to pin-point suspicious behaviour with paternity testing.

And about one third of all paternity tests are positive.

And one third translates into a huge amount of suspicious behaviour.

And paternity tests are easy to perform and get cheaper by the day.

Until we sequenced the genome, it was men who found it hard to hide suspicious behaviour, but now paternity testing is shinning the spotlight on women.

We've talked about this before, but the pool of people who seek paternity testing is a self-selecting pool (i.e. people who aren't suspicious don't seek them). So another way to look at that stat is that 2/3 of the time, when a man suspects his child may not be his own, he's incorrect.
 

Kasper

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I think a little bit of jealousy shows some sort of connection, and indifference is not necessarily good. If someone matters to you, their absence will feel like a loss to some degree. And jealousy seems to me to be tied to a sense of loss or, maybe more realistically, a fear of future loss.

Loss I can completely understand, and I get what you're saying about missing your kids when they're spending time with other people or missing your partner when they're away, my relationship atm is long distance and of course I miss my partner but it doesn't translate to jealousy, in fact if it did I think it would be a very bad place to be due to the distance. What Morgan said about it being form of premature grief is exactly how it makes sense to me.


Like Marm says, it's not necessarily the feeling but the behavior that is right or wrong.

I do totally agree with that, I've not called jealousy wrong or bad, what I've been saying is that it's a sign that there is an issue. That distinction between the feeling and the behaviour is important and a good point to raise.


I think that people who don't get jealous at all might be a bit emotionally cool or afraid of commitment. I can't imagine what it's like to not get jealous at all, it implies to me a lack of passion, seriously.

I mean if you don't care at all if you lose your mate, then I can't fathom that you're very much in love with them...maybe just killing time by having a relationship, and that seems much more co-dependent to me than being a little jealous in love.

So your assumption is lack of jealousy means lack of interest? Interesting. From my perspective as someone who only experiences jealousy as a negative sign of trouble I can assure you that it's not related to a lack of emotional connection to my partner or a fear of commitment, not in the least, I'm certainly not the most emotionally expressive person but depth of my emotion isn't fickle. I also don't claim to have ever been in love, which may be a difference here.

I would call a distinction between being invested and not wanting to lose your mate and feeling jealous or insecure about losing them, the two are not related for me. I don't want to lose my partner but that doesn't mean I'm jealous about who he spends time with or worry about him looking elsewhere, I don't feel I need to with him.


"He who is not jealous cannot love" ~Andreas Capellanus: The Art of Courtly Love

Victor posted that earlier and I don't see it, how is love dependant on feeling jealous?


I'm skeptical that love without jealousy even exists. Regardless of whether or not the element of jealousy is good or bad, I doubt it can be love at all if the jealousy is not there. How apathetic.

If true, it would happen that this would then give jealousy a secondary characteristic of being good, just because one would take it as an indication of love.

Explain how love is linked to jealousy? Love should be trust and openness, not jealous and bitter.


I think you're right about that...and I think a lot of NTs have zero tolerance for it because it adds unnecessary drama to the relationship. And because we feel like once we've proved we're trustworthy, we shouldn't have to keep proving it.

That's certainly how I feel about it, jealousy in a partner would say to me "I don't trust you" I appreciate people are giving different places that someone may be coming with when they display jealousy, but that's still how I would take it.


A lack of jealousy pretty much indicates a lack of vested interest.

Wouldn't being completely devoid of jealousy mean that you care not how much interest a person devotes in someone other than you, how much they share with that person, and what they do with that person? I think having no jealousy would mean not even being bothered if you parter had sex with other people, or shared personal information that they wouldn't with you, or preferer spending time with others, etc.. I think if you have absolutely no jealousy in a relationhip, then you value it as much as you do your relationship with any stranger.

Hell no. If my partner slept with someone else I would be pissed and hurt beyond words and I would leave, I do not tolerate infidelity, the thing is I trust him inexplicitly not to betray my trust in that regard, I don't feel the need for jealousy because I don't expect him to betray me.


I would never be jealous for the primary reason that if my trust were broken to that degree, I'd never want to see the person again. Jealousy implies you want them back. I can't think I would. I would view it as a clear assertion they didn't want me, too. I'm not suggesting it wouldn't hurt, I would be devastated. But there is no combination of events that I can think of that would result in me feeling jealous for a person's affections.

I might be jealous of their car, though. Rich people suck.

Egg-zachery!


And if you misplaced your trust?

The you get burnt, jealousy won't help you if you trust the wrong person, what's the alternative: if anything it will likely hold you back and form a defence against being hurt, hardly a worthwhile relationship if you're holding yourself at guard because you worry that your partner may betray you.
 

Kasper

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Dang you have wisdom, girrrl! :wubbie:

Presumption - the ultra-confident partner who is sure they have you regardless of how invested they are in your well being or treatment. If they leave you lonely, still there is no worries about the attention of other men because they are so proud that their sense of self thwarts reality. The truth is it is normal for people to have times in their life when they feel lonely or unvalidated, even with a partner. Others see it and can move in. To feel there could never be a threat regardless of personal investment and behavior is unrealistic. To then take the position that the person would have to be trash to cheat on someone as fabulous as oneself is just more of that imaginary, irresponsible worldview.

To be concerned about your partner cheating isn't always realistic though, for a number of reasons I can't see my partner ever taking that route, that doesn't take away a need to ensure that their needs are being met. Any serious relationship should involve constantly checking to see where your partner is at, understanding how they're feeling about things, their concerns and such. Someone who pays no attention to their mate isn't someone I would view as really in that relationship.

Apathy - to be with a partner and simultaneously okay with the loss of that partner can imply a half investment in the relationship. A person might not feel jealousy because inside they aren't entirely invested or sure they want the responsibility of the relationship, but they also don't want to initiate change. In this way the relationship might continue or end without investment. This offers a way to somewhat enjoy the moments in the relationship but with minimal risk to self. Just don't get too attached and then there are no hassles of jealousy or hurt.

Absolutely.

Denial - one can also live in a rosey world where any behavior or situation is free of threat and problem. There is no reason for jealousy because we have a perfect trusting relationship that is above and beyond those selfish problems. There is never a reason for a threat because love transcends everything and trust is bliss.

Yes and no, looking at things through a rosy perspective is fine, so long as if/when reality hits it's faced. Maybe I have a rosy perspective to trust my parter entirely but that doesn't mean that if I had reason to doubt I would refuse to face it. I prefer to face life from an optimistic, trusting pov is all. I give trust until I have reason to doubt.

Every relationship can deteriorate if taken for granted.

Absolutely. And that's exactly when you'll have issues.

My question for the non-jealous types is how do you deal with it when there is a threat to the relationship? What about when you have been away for work for a year? Or when you have played golf every weekend for five years and haven't realized that your partner feels isolated and alone? What about the presumption that can take place that blinds people to their partner's emotional needs that someone else starts filling? How do you react when that partner tells you they feel isolated and others are paying attention which is confusing them? No jealousy? Then when it all falls apart it becomes easy to blame the estranged partner as being worthless because you "trusted" them and look at what a horrible person they turned out to be, etc.

My answer as a generally non-jealous type is a relationship is a partnership, one cannot survive in one without investing and opening themselves up to the other, if there isn't open and honest communication that's when jealousy becomes an issue in my mind. If there is neglect then it means communication has deteriorated, it's no longer a partnership it's just someone you're with because it's easier to remain together then face issues and potentially rock the boat and maybe part ways. It's complacency and it's not showing love. In that situation the issue isn't the lack of jealousy, it's the lack of communication and investment that is being put forward. It is way too easy to take a partner for granted, especially as the time you've been together mounts up, they become familiar and the effort you each put in can slip, but it's still not a reason that non-jealousy is an issue.

I definitely see an issue in a relationship if my partner saw lack of jealousy as a sign of lack of investment but I would hope if they were insecure about where they stood in my eyes that blunt communication would let them know, I'm very much a "if you don't understand something, ask me" kinda person.

In all the scenarios you put forward by answer is talk to your partner and make sure both sides are understood.
 

miss fortune

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What about Facebook?

facebook is so creepy that I don't post anything of importance on it :ninja: if he sees my joking back and forth with my aunt showing up on his live feed, that's not a problem... it's my fault for using facebook... to look at my e-mails and phone records is MUCH more invasive... things there aren't meant to be public like facebook is :thelook:

it's not that I'm scared of what he'd find, it's merely the principle of invaded privacy that disturbs me :(
 

Mole

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Trust me.

C'mon, when they say, "Trust me", what do you think?

For 'trust me' is the mantra of the confidence trickster.

No, rather than falling for the confidence trickster, we seek empirical evidence.

And just as we seek empirical evidence in paternity testing, we seek empirical evidence in random double blind tests for personality tests.

But guess what - no random double blind test has been done on MBTI for seventy years - imagine that!

So when they say in a honeyed voice, "Trust me", do you trust them or seek empirical evidence?
 

runvardh

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I find snooping through e-mails and phones pointless to start with, then there's the fact that the kind of women I want would be smart enough to use a dummy I can't find or, minimum, know how to use the delete function.

Edit: and about Facebook.. If you're dumb enough to post private shit on your wall all I can do (and have done) is laugh my ass off at how much of a n00b you are.
 

mrcockburn

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Yes, if you wouldn't put it on a t-shirt to wear in public, don't put it on Facebook. I don't trust the privacy settings especially.
 

runvardh

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Yes, if you wouldn't put it on a t-shirt to wear in public, don't put it on Facebook. I don't trust the privacy settings especially.

You just gave me an idea! One thing I put on my wall pertained to a death ray, a thousand followers and 6 attendants. If I put that on a t-shirt it would probably be one the few I wear often when not working.
 

Thessaly

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C'mon, when they say, "Trust me", what do you think?

For 'trust me' is the mantra of the confidence trickster.

No, rather than falling for the confidence trickster, we seek empirical evidence.

And just as we seek empirical evidence in paternity testing, we seek empirical evidence in random double blind tests for personality tests.

But guess what - no random double blind test has been done on MBTI for seventy years - imagine that!

So when they say in a honeyed voice, "Trust me", do you trust them or seek empirical evidence?

Men are better at detecting infidelities (10/31/2008)

Women "lie, cheat and steal" - Manchester Evening News
 

FDG

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No. Jealousy and love are incompatible.
If I love you and you never give me any cause for jealousy, it would be inappropriate for me to feel jealous. Unloving, in fact. That doesn't imply that I'm blase about how you choose to conduct yourself. It means that I trust you implicitly in the absence of any reason not to.

If I love you and you give me reasonable cause for jealousy, that would be unloving on your part. I have to then decide whether you are invested enough in the relationship for me to want to maintain it, or if I might have been misled as to your character. Being jealous is not a solution - it contributes nothing.

I reckon relationships don't work like C++ code...
 

Thessaly

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I have snooped through a couple phones in the past.

Results of phone search #1: "I love you too" from the ex.

Results of phone search #2: "Wanna bone?" from a fuck buddy.

cheater. cheater. pumpkin eaters.

However, I don't think I would do that again...mainly because I date nice boys who are unquestionably loyal now. I don't regret fishing for evidence in the past though. Twas efficient for getting rid of liars.
 

Mole

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Butter and Catch 22


The new survey of women's attitudes to truth, relationships, and behaviour, said the overwhelming majority (96%) admit to lying.

But just look around you here and butter wouldn't melt in their mouths.

And if they will lie about the father of their children, why wouldn't they lie about MBTI.

In fact MBTI facilitates lying because it induces a light hypnosis in the victim where the critical mind is asleep and so will accept whatever lie is told.

And whenever you try to wake them up, they experience this as a personal attack and so attack you personally in kind. It's the perfect Catch 22.
 

KDude

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lol.. you're amazing Vic. You tied a thread about jealousy and cheating to your anti-MBTI thing. you deserve a cookie. maybe some ice cream too.

seriousy, i'm impressed. :blush:
 

Thessaly

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Who do you think is lying about their MBTI here Victor? I'm intrigued..
 
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