Jealousy: It shows you care

[highlander]

Is it a negative thing, a positive thing?
In moderation, I think it's fine. Too much and I think it can be very unhealthy.

Is it an indication of faltering self esteem or insecurity?
Some insecurity - sure. Faltering self-esteem - only if excessive.

Does it show they truly care about you?
It shows they care about losing something which is not the same as caring about you. It might show they care.

Does it show that they don't trust you to be faithful?
I don't think it has to - no.

What does jealousy in a partner say to you?
I just think some people have more leanings in this regard than others and it probably varies at different stages in a relationship.

 

[highlander]

But why is that? Is it about them showing how much they need you, showing you have some control/power over them, that they want to have a sense of ownership over you, what?

I think there is a little bit of all of these things. In small doses, I actually do like it.

The signs can be very subtle.

 

[Mole]

Love and Jealousy

YLJ stance on jealousy is curious to me:

What say yee on the subject of jealousy in a romantic relationship?

Is it a negative thing, a positive thing?

Is it an indication of faltering self esteem or insecurity?

Does it show they truly care about you?

Does it show that they don't trust you to be faithful?

What does jealousy in a partner say to you?

Like religion, jealousy is nice in small doses.

But the toxicity lies in the dose - and the higher the dose the more toxic.

When my very first love took up with someone else, I experienced overwhelming jealousy. But fortunately I had friends to share it with. And with time I was able to work through it and say goodbye to my love and tell her I loved her and she replied in kind.

But jealousy is a threat to love just as fear is a threat to courage.

And just as there is no courage without fear, there is no love without jealousy.

 

[Kasper]

And just as there is no courage without fear, there is no love without jealousy.

I agree that there is no courage without fear, but I do not agree that you cannot love without experiencing jealousy. One does not facilitate the other.


I truly don't get this. How it can be seen as a good thing (even in small doses) that is. I can kinda understand the desire for it to be present, still goes back to insecurity imo but I don't see how it's ever positive.

For me I experience insecurity when I don't know where I stand, I very much dislike being unsure of that, sometimes it comes from jealousy but it never appears in a healthy relationship, when jealousy does surface it's the beginning of the end for me as it means I can't or am not being allowed to "read" my partner. As I'm one to ask blunt direct questions that's a big thing.

When others express jealousy towards me I am exceptionally turned off, I do not like the idea of being "owned" and I do not tolerate the indirect suggestion that I cannot be trusted or may not be faithful, I also appreciate those who are independent and secure in themselves. I'm happy to give whatever reassurances I can to dispel any insecurity and let my partner know exactly where they stand but if they express jealousy I do not find it cute and I would be inclined to walk away.

I completely accept that there should be a line when it comes to acting flirtatious around other people but if a line is pushed too far I would always prefer my partner be open with me and state their discomfort with my behavior then get jealous.

Basically I don't do jealousy. Maybe it's an ENTP thing, maybe it's a sp/so thing =/ ... or maybe it's because I'm anti-religious Vic

 

[Valiant]

I think jealousy isn't a negative thing as it makes people talk.
If said jealousy isn't founded on a partner actually intending to cheat or something like that, it can make both parts of a relationship to understand each other better.
What you guys say about the need for this thing passing away over time, I can sort of understand that.
You don't really need to be on your guard as much after twenty years.
At the same time, one needs to be reminded about how big the green zone is sometimes.
People are notoriously unreliable. Everyone is. It's called being human.
Temptations are everywhere, especially if you are attractive or such.
I know I need restrictions, and I gladly place them upon myself.
For instance, hanging out with female friends alone all night long isn't really an option if i'm in a relationship.
Or flirting with others at social gatherings or parties. I do flirt a lot and naturally, if I am single.
It's really hard not to do it all the time, with no harm intended.
I know it can look worse than it is, and thus I draw the line for myself pretty much at zero.
This I do if I really love someone and don't want to hurt the person.

Once, I had a girlfriend who went all grumpy about me openly saying that some actress was hot.
INFP. Went around all cute-grumpy poking me with snide remarks at every turn about looking like whoever it was
That kind of jealousy is funny and cute. I love the light version of jealousy.
If it turns to violence, screaming and stuff like that... Stalking... Fuck that.
Seriously, people like that needs to be locked up.

 

[InsatiableCuriosity]

Jealousy tells me someone in the relationship is insecure and not confident in that relationship - as an INTP I would find that very cloying and irritating in a partner!!

 

[Unkindloving]

But why is that? Is it about them showing how much they need you, showing you have some control/power over them, that they want to have a sense of ownership over you, what?

I think it shows itself as a form of reassurance that your partner cares enough to not want something to threaten the relationship or your feelings for them. Obviously, there are better ways to go about showing a significant other that you care, but i think that one can be involuntary and it can be nice to have someone get territorial to a degree.

 

[Thalassa]

I'm a jealous person. I'm only jealous if I care. A guy being a little jealous makes me feel wanted, too.

However, jealousy can go too far and just be selfish and destructive. Then it's bad. Usually that kind of jealousy is rooted in deep insecurity.

 

[Tallulah]

i can't stand jealousy that's in the form of distrust but i understand feeling a bit possessive...like not wanting someone to be too close or flirty with you. not because i'm insecure or worried about it but because...um...i'm the only one who get's to be like that with him...like that...if that makes sense.

I think it shows itself as a form of reassurance that your partner cares enough to not want something to threaten the relationship or your feelings for them. Obviously, there are better ways to go about showing a significant other that you care, but i think that one can be involuntary and it can be nice to have someone get territorial to a degree.

This. I think a healthy relationship can have implicit trust but still leave room for a teensy bit of possessiveness. I can trust my partner, and know he's not into another girl, but still feel a little weird about a chick openly flirting with him. I wouldn't make him reassure me about that, because the trust is still there. I guess it's just a reminder to me internally of how much I care.

 

[highlander]

But jealousy is a threat to love just as fear is a threat to courage.

And just as there is no courage without fear, there is no love without jealousy.

I actually really like this quote.

For the people who say all jealousy is bad, do you never have these feelings or is it that you don't voice them or you surpress them?

I'm really pretty much on the low side of this - having these kinds of feelings rarely. But it does happen. It's not generally too rational from what I recall.

 

[Arclight]

So some people need a negative emotion as proof someone cares??

Don't your partners express enough positive emotions??

Their jealousy proves they care more than say, their consideration,support and affection?

Interesting.

 

[Thessaly]

I'm a jealous type, but I internalize 95% of it.

I hate when guys try to make me jealous. If it happens often I lose respect for them and think they're a moron, which they are.

 

[Kasper]

For the people who say all jealousy is bad, do you never have these feelings or is it that you don't voice them or you surpress them?

I don't say "bad" I say negative and a sign of other issues.

But sure I have experienced jealousy, it has always been related to some kind of insecurity and yes, I will seek a resolution, usually within myself, in an attempt to analyse why I feel insecure as unless the other person deserves to not be trusted than the issue is within me.

Doesn't mean I wouldn't voice things but saying "I'm jealous, fix that" doesn't strike me as someone else's issue if they are trustworthy, understanding where the insecurity comes from and discussing that is more apt. If they are trustworthy then they should not have to alter their behaviour because of my insecurities, it would be healthier for me to overcome them.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

I can see jealousy also corrolating with importance. The fact that you show jealousy so as to not lose that which you consider to be prized... though as many have said after awhile the partner in whatever relationship you are in already, over time, understands how important they are to you and isn't needed.

 

[wolfy]

Nice! I think the part that I'm curious about is coming to light.

People mostly recognise and accept that jealousy is a negative emotion that is suggestive of issues that should be overcome, and yet at the same time there can be a desire, no matter how small, that their partner displays some signs of jealousy.

But why is that? Is it about them showing how much they need you, showing you have some control/power over them, that they want to have a sense of ownership over you, what?

I think it is that jealousy comes from a feeling of need. And everybody wants to be wanted. It is similar to fear in that fear is uncontrollable excitement.

 

[Kasper]

I think jealousy isn't a negative thing as it makes people talk.
If said jealousy isn't founded on a partner actually intending to cheat or something like that, it can make both parts of a relationship to understand each other better.

I use the word negative as I see it having a detrimental impact on a relationship and ones psyche but I apply no judgment to it. I accept that if a couple talk through their jealousy issues and resolve them that their relationship will likely be strengthened as you elude, but it's the open communication that's a positive thing, not the jealousy, that is simply a negative catalyst that brings about circumstances where the need to talk is created.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

For those who experience jealousy first hand in committed relationships, would you feel comfort or discomfort if your partner expressed the same level of jealousy?

This will go against some wise and sensible posts, but it makes me deeply happy for a partner to have a little jealousy for me. It is a feeling of being significant. There is a kind of jealousy that is an expression of insecurity and an inflated fear of loss. I have struggled with that myself, but to be completely without it feels like insignificance to me and not trust. That I have some fear of loss is only because the person means a lot to me. I want to care enough that losing them would hurt alot. I love for someone to be willing to be mutually vulnerable with me in that way. I don't want a safe life where every feeling is protected under all circumstances.

I'm curious if people who desire to be completely free of jealousy have ever actualized that?

 

[Kasper]

This will go against some wise and sensible posts, but it makes me deeply happy for a partner to have a little jealousy for me. It is a feeling of being significant. There is a kind of jealousy that is an expression of insecurity and an inflated fear of loss. I have struggled with that myself, but to be completely without it feels like insignificance to me and not trust. That I have some fear of loss is only because the person means a lot to me. I want to care enough that losing them would hurt alot. I love for someone to be willing to be mutually vulnerable with me in that way. I don't want a safe life where every feeling is protected under all circumstances.

Is that something that only comes from jealousy? If the person you were with did everything in their ability to show you that they cherished and adored you would you feel they cared more if they displayed a hint of jealousy at times?

 

[Amethyst]

To me, the presence of jealousy means something went wrong, either in the mentality of one person with the misinterpretation of an action or just the mentality of one person.

It usually never ends up pretty.
Communication is key, but it can only do so much. Jealousy can absolutely rip a relationship up into shreds.

 

[Thessaly]

This will go against some wise and sensible posts, but it makes me deeply happy for a partner to have a little jealousy for me. It is a feeling of being significant. There is a kind of jealousy that is an expression of insecurity and an inflated fear of loss. I have struggled with that myself, but to be completely without it feels like insignificance to me and not trust. That I have some fear of loss is only because the person means a lot to me. I want to care enough that losing them would hurt alot. I love for someone to be willing to be mutually vulnerable with me in that way. I don't want a safe life where every feeling is protected under all circumstances.

I'm curious if people who desire to be completely free of jealousy have ever actualized that?

I enjoy an aloofly possessive kind of boyfriend. No supervising my fun, but taking an interest in who I'm spending time with etc...

I really don't mind someone claiming they own my ass as long as they're not an ass about it