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Jealousy: It shows you care

When I see jealousy in my partner, it is generally a...

  • xNTJ: positive thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSTP: positive thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSFP: positive thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSFP: negative thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSTJ: positive thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSTJ: negative thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSFJ: negative thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    27

Kasper

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YLJ stance on jealousy is curious to me:

Psychological dealbreakers

Someone who doesn't get jealous. It's just a sign that they care

What say yee on the subject of jealousy in a romantic relationship?

Is it a negative thing, a positive thing?

Is it an indication of faltering self esteem or insecurity?

Does it show they truly care about you?

Does it show that they don't trust you to be faithful?

What does jealousy in a partner say to you?
 

gromit

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Jealousy doesn't seem healthy to me. Relationships that I've experienced with components of jealousy (either on my part or on the part of the other person) have always indicated underlying insecurities in the relationship rather than a healthy level of attachment.

It could just be the relationships I tend to end up in though...
 

Kasper

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Nah, I agree with you, imo the healthiest relationships I've seen are based on trust and open honesty, if those two things are present then there's no need for jealousy. Jealousy in the initial stages of hooking up with someone is understandable due to the insecurity in where one stands, which is why I don't see it as healthy.

I'm quite curious about why not being insecure and showing trust would be a sign that you don't care, unless people don't relate it to trust and insecurity.
 

Lady_X

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i agree with that i think...it makes sense for it to be there a bit in the beginning.
 

Ivy

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Oddly enough, just had a very satisfying conversation a couple of days ago with my husband about this very topic. I made a conscious decision awhile back to purge jealousy from myself because 1) it doesn't feel good to me, and 2) it doesn't enhance our relationship in any way. We both feel that our relationship has deepened, part of that effect is that I'm just more relaxed and enjoying us more without the anxiety.
 

cafe

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I don't think jealousy is a sign that you care. It is more a sign of insecurity in oneself or the relationship or a sign of control issues.

I say this as someone who sometimes struggles with feelings of jealousy. It doesn't mean I care and it doesn't mean I don't care/distrust my partner. It means I have abandonment issues that I haven't completely overcome.
 

Ivy

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Totally agree, cafe. In my case I believe the jealousy comes in part from my own lack of confidence in my appearance. I'm pretty confident in other areas but we're bombarded with messages about how awesome hot ladies are, and part of me did expect my husband to be wistful about never getting to get it on with a hot lady. So a part of my "therapy" was learning to relax in the assurance that he does get to get it on with a hot lady, in his opinion.
 

Kasper

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Interesting, and on the other side I don't automatically see the absence of jealousy as a positive thing, more that its presence is a sign of another underlying issue that isn't a positive thing.
 

Kasper

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For those who experience jealousy first hand in committed relationships, would you feel comfort or discomfort if your partner expressed the same level of jealousy?
 

Ivy

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For those who experience jealousy first hand in committed relationships, would you feel comfort or discomfort if your partner expressed the same level of jealousy?

Honestly, probably both. I don't think I would like my integrity/loyalty being questioned. But I'll be upfront and say that it would be a little gratifying to have that emblem of being wanted/valued/dare I say a little possessed. I'm absolutely aware of how that sounds.
 

Halla74

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Interesting, and on the other side I don't automatically see the absence of jealousy as a positive thing, more that its presence is a sign of another underlying issue that isn't a positive thing.

I agree with this, and what else you wrote above, Trin.

In general, I have always thought that jealousy = insecurity.

There are always going to be quirks to such heuristics. For instance, if a guy who is a secure bloke ends up dating a chicky that makes it a point to openly flirt with and/or seek attention from other men often, in front of him, then maybe at some point he will get "irritated" or some other lesser form of jealousy, but then again maybe he should just dump her and be done with it all? Same goes for Sheilas, if they wind up dating a skirt chaser, why should they hang out for such disrespect?

Maybe I'm just a simpleton, but I can't see jealousy as a part of any healthy relationship, but it is a human emotion, and thus must be recognized and dealt with whenever it manifests.

Personally, I've never felt jealous in any romantic relationship I have ever been in. I just don't have it in me. Maybe it's outrageous self esteem, or perhaps just recognition of reality, that I have no control over who anybody dedicated their heart to, me or otherwise. Regardless, I am thankful for that emotional deficiency, as it's apparently saved me alot of time and heartache. :newwink:
 

Lady_X

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i've experienced a bit of mutual possessiveness it came from a sweet place tho.
 

cafe

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For those who experience jealousy first hand in committed relationships, would you feel comfort or discomfort if your partner expressed the same level of jealousy?
Early on, I would have preferred that he expressed some jealousy. His complete lack of expressed jealousy made me feel like he didn't care.

Now I appreciate his trust for me and recognize it for a sign that he not only cares, but thinks highly of me.
 

Ivy

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Early on, I would have preferred that he expressed some jealousy. His complete lack of expressed jealousy made me feel like he didn't care.

Now I appreciate his trust for me and recognize it for a sign that he not only cares, but thinks highly of me.

Yes! I'm just going to let cafe speak for me from now on. She does it so much better than I do.
 

Seymour

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Jealousy seems to me to be mostly about fear of losing something (or someone) one has, while envy seems to be more about wanting something that someone else has (or is experiencing).

I don't see jealousy as ever being particularly positive, since it arises out of fear and insecurity. It can be a clue that someone is important to you (or that you are important to someone else), but I don't think it's good for it to be a relationship requirement. A lack of jealousy may just indicate trust—or, in Halla's case, a supreme self of self-worth.
 

StephMC

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Yeah, I agree with the consensus thus far: Jealousy is usually a sign of insecurity. If you're comfortable with yourself and you trust your partner, who is also comfortable with himself/herself, where's the need for jealousy?

I tend to pick partners that share that attitude. A little jealousy may be cute, but a lot brings out my dark side. :mellow:
 

Unkindloving

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Is it a negative thing, a positive thing?
In excess and for unwarranted reasons, it's a negative. If it is mild and toward things that can be considered threatening or too flirty, positive.
Is it an indication of faltering self esteem or insecurity?
It certainly can be, especially if it is in excess and irrational. I can be irrationally jealous at times, but usually because people have made me rationally jealous in the past.
Does it show they truly care about you?
It can, but again that depends. I find it cute if a significant other exerts a bit of jealousy.
Does it show that they don't trust you to be faithful?
If they persist in disbelieving any reassurance, then yes. I think it is a normal fear in this day and age, but people don't like to acknowledge that it is highly possible.
What does jealousy in a partner say to you?
Varies.
 

Kasper

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Nice! I think the part that I'm curious about is coming to light.

People mostly recognise and accept that jealousy is a negative emotion that is suggestive of issues that should be overcome, and yet at the same time there can be a desire, no matter how small, that their partner displays some signs of jealousy.

But why is that? Is it about them showing how much they need you, showing you have some control/power over them, that they want to have a sense of ownership over you, what?
 

Lady_X

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i can't stand jealousy that's in the form of distrust but i understand feeling a bit possessive...like not wanting someone to be too close or flirty with you. not because i'm insecure or worried about it but because...um...i'm the only one who get's to be like that with him...like that...if that makes sense.
 
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