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Jealousy: It shows you care

When I see jealousy in my partner, it is generally a...

  • xNTJ: positive thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSTP: positive thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSFP: positive thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSFP: negative thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSTJ: positive thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSTJ: negative thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • xSFJ: negative thing...

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    27

Lethe

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I think it's unhealthy and a sign that there is no trust within the relationship. I've had an ex get mad at me for not behaving jealously because apparantly jealousy is the best sign someone cares.

[...]I'm hardly going to behave in a manner I hate.

Do I feel a momentary pause of jealousy occasionally? I'm only human, but I refuse to show it, or to give into it because I know it's about my own issues of insecurity and I'm not going to lay that on anybody to deal with.

Me not showing that I am jealous, is not a sign I don't care, it's a sign I do care, which is why I trust instead.

Double that. There are other ways of telling someone you care, but jealousy isn't really the best choice for affection in my book. Jealousy, for me, tends to be something that occurs in the beginning when you're not sure where you stand with a person. By the time I get around to seriously dating them, I should be able to predict how he'll respond to other people who show interest in him. If he's simply not into me, then there's nothing I can do to hold him back. It's entirely his choice. Sure, I'll be disappointed if he chooses to leave, however the alternative of him staying in a loveless, one-sided relationship is far worse.

A few posters made a good distinction between thought and behavior. I'm sympathetic towards a partner may who feel it, and will try to reassure them whenever possible, though I am less flexible about those who deliberately act on it. Mind you, they're not morally wrong for acting that way, but instead the wrong type of person to be romantically involved with. They should instead date someone who has the same belief.

Everyone's different, and it needs to be evaluated in light of that. I don't think anything here is necessarily negative for the human race, although it can be negative for particular individuals.

I'm not voting in the poll, it's too restrictive.

At first, I thought the poll was restrictive myself, but then upon closer inspection, it's more about what the individual prefers (esp. with the use of "I" in the title). I think many people have agreed that jealousy can play out both ways in various relationships.
 

Pixelholic

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I voted negative. Standing by my opinion that jealousy is not a good foundation for a caring relationship.

My opinion may also stem from the fact that I've seen jealousy turn relationships into controlling abusive nightmares for people involved. I had a friend who's boyfriend severed contact with me for a year and a half because he was convinced we were having sex behind his back.
 

teslashock

Geolectric
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At this point, how are we even defining jealousy?

If we are using these definitions:
1. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
2. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

then I'd say my feelings towards #1 are context-dependent. Unfounded paranoia/suspicion =!= good, but suspicion based on reasonable evidence seems only natural. Of course there is some ambiguity as to what is "reasonable" and what is "unfounded", but I think generally speaking, the difference is pretty clear.

My feelings towards #2 are similar; overactive vigilance is bad, but putting forth effort/energy towards caring about maintaining a relationship, and harvesting resentment towards something/someone that clearly poses a threat to the relationship also seems natural.

Unfounded suspicion and overactive vigilance are signs of insecurity within the relationship or personal insecurity and these things are usually due to a lack of trust/communication...all of which are obviously negative things.
 

teslashock

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Hmm, why isn't this post showing up in the new posts page?
 

Totenkindly

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Hmm, why isn't this post showing up in the new posts page?

Because you posted.

Functionality was changed.
You should use Quick Links > Today's Posts to find threads you just posted in.
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
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It first, I thought the poll was restrictive myself, but then upon closer inspection, it's more about what the individual prefers (esp. with the use of "I" in the title). I think many people have agreed that jealousy can play out both ways in various relationships.

Maybe I read the thread title and still don't think it should be a binary question, especially because the style and level of jealousy is never defined.

I mean, who would want to be with a spouse who is overtly jealous in ways that have destructive influence and create tendencies to control within the relationship?

However, I do expect my spouse to care enough to feel like I am not being faithful if I start spending too much time elsewhere and not enough time with him. You could also call this "jealousy," but it's protective of the relationship, not destructive. Then again, we have those here who think no one should ever feel that way because they still see that as some form of control/negative energy.

If taken as a binary and with the word vaguely defined, the poll seems sort of silly to me.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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However, I do expect my spouse to care enough to feel like I am not being faithful if I start spending too much time elsewhere and not enough time with him. You could also call this "jealousy," but it's protective of the relationship, not destructive. Then again, we have those here who think no one should ever feel that way because they still see that as some form of control/negative energy.

If taken as a binary and with the word vaguely defined, the poll seems sort of silly to me.
I think everyone would tend to agree that jealousy based on negative imagination (personal insecurity projecting false information onto another person's behavior) is not healthy. I've been wondering how many of the people with an absolute position on jealousy being negative feel they could deal with that feeling and forgive if their partner if they made them feel jealous. I lean towards thinking it can be a natural and healthy feeling, and I also think there are situations I could forgive if my partner instilled the feeling. Sometimes absolutist positions result from not knowing how to deal with the reality of the negative emotion, so it is either denied or cut out. It can be frightening to think that a good and meaningful relationship can have moments of problems. It can be easier to idealize it so that the goal is the type of interaction in which no negative emotion has justification. I think when someone has witnessed one extreme it can be difficult to imagine what the other end of the spectrum could look like. Instead of seeing the middle as balanced and healthy, there is a desire to run as far from the bad experience and desire whatever is its opposite.
 

Xellotath

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My dislike of jealousy in a partner is so strong that its practically an instant relationship breaker; no matter how far we've been together. 0 compromise in that aspect.

I always end up feeling severely insulted no matter how flattering it might initially appear.
 

Pixelholic

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I think everyone would tend to agree that jealousy based on negative imagination (personal insecurity projecting false information onto another person's behavior) is not healthy. I've been wondering how many of the people with an absolute position on jealousy being negative feel they could deal with that feeling and forgive if their partner if they made them feel jealous. I lean towards thinking it can be a natural and healthy feeling, and I also think there are situations I could forgive if my partner instilled the feeling. Sometimes absolutist positions result from not knowing how to deal with the reality of the negative emotion, so it is either denied or cut out. It can be frightening to think that a good and meaningful relationship can have moments of problems. It can be easier to idealize it so that the goal is the type of interaction in which no negative emotion has justification. I think when someone has witnessed one extreme it can be difficult to imagine what the other end of the spectrum could look like. Instead of seeing the middle as balanced and healthy, there is a desire to run as far from the bad experience and desire whatever is its opposite.

As someone who's not fan of jealousy I'll answer this.

Jealousy in a spouse strikes me as a major lack of trust. If that trust is warranted (say I'm cheating and get caught or I have a history of cheating) then I don't see why you wouldn't just end the relationship. I wouldn't want to be with an inherently untrustworthy person. If it's unwarranted jealousy (i.e. I've been faithful and loyal in the relationship etc) then it just strikes me as the person's insecurities or their desire to have an unbalanced level of control in the relationship. I would break it off again. Either way jealousy to me seems like a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

This doesn't mean I expect my significant other to just sit idly by and let me do whatever I want and for her to never get jealous. I'd rather her communicate whatever issues she might have so that we can work to move past them. Jealousy just makes things worse in my opinion.
 

21%

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Maybe I read the thread title and still don't think it should be a binary question, especially because the style and level of jealousy is never defined.

I mean, who would want to be with a spouse who is overtly jealous in ways that have destructive influence and create tendencies to control within the relationship?

However, I do expect my spouse to care enough to feel like I am not being faithful if I start spending too much time elsewhere and not enough time with him. You could also call this "jealousy," but it's protective of the relationship, not destructive. Then again, we have those here who think no one should ever feel that way because they still see that as some form of control/negative energy.

If taken as a binary and with the word vaguely defined, the poll seems sort of silly to me.

I agree! I think there should be another poll about the definition of 'jealousy' :D

Personally, I'd call the bolded part jealousy but that's about as far as my definition of 'acceptable jealousy' goes. I think jealousy can plays out in several ways:

A) You feel hurt because your partner is spending too much time with other people. You feel starved for attention and affection. You know your partner values you, but they're not showing it, and you feel neglected. At the very worst, you feel taken for granted.

B) You feel betrayed because your partner is spending too much time with other people and you suspect that they are being unfaithful to you. You feel like they are trying to deceive you.

For me, A is perfect okay, but B is not. Scenario A is kinda like what puppies feel when you neglect them for a long time and they try to get you to play with them and start whining if you don't, which I find pretty cute. Scenario B, on the other hand, shows a lack of trust and judgment on my character as untrustworthy, which could be an insult if I have done nothing to earn it.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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As someone who's not fan of jealousy I'll answer this.

Jealousy in a spouse strikes me as a major lack of trust. If that trust is warranted (say I'm cheating and get caught or I have a history of cheating) then I don't see why you wouldn't just end the relationship. I wouldn't want to be with an inherently untrustworthy person. If it's unwarranted jealousy (i.e. I've been faithful and loyal in the relationship etc) then it just strikes me as the person's insecurities or their desire to have an unbalanced level of control in the relationship. I would break it off again. Either way jealousy to me seems like a sign of an unhealthy relationship.

This doesn't mean I expect my significant other to just sit idly by and let me do whatever I want and for her to never get jealous. I'd rather her communicate whatever issues she might have so that we can work to move past them. Jealousy just makes things worse in my opinion.
Everything you describe can be the way it plays out. You describe a dividing line between warranted and unwarranted jealousy. What makes this issue problematic to place into a binary set of conditions is that the line drawn in your mind between those two states is unique. Each person has a conceptual boundary in their mind between what jealousy would be warranted or not, but it is drawn differently. In a relationship you discover all the places it does not align with your partner's. There isn't a way to draw that line externally and applicable to all people.

Cheating is not always an obvious intentional break of trust. Not only do people struggle to be honest with each other, they struggle to be honest with themselves. Relationships they convince themselves are innocent turn quickly to cheating under stress. Cheating never happens in a vacuum. There is a long progression in behaviors that at first are entirely justifiable and gradually less so. At what point is jealousy warranted? Parts of that process are can be free of ill-intent but based on moments of loneliness, separation, or other difficulties of life. It would be great if it were simple, binary, and always definable, but it isn't. And what if your partner encourages you to do something you consider cheating, or at least questionable in terms of boundary lines, but not only are they not jealous, they desire it? What are those emotional repercussions? To give an innocent, but common example, what if your partner pressures you to dress sexy so that guys gawk and hit on you? Does that lack of jealousy with all the trust it implies give a good feeling if you felt like that behavior suggested a breaking from intimacy?
 

Pixelholic

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Everything you describe can be the way it plays out. You describe a dividing line between warranted and unwarranted jealousy. What makes this issue problematic to place into a binary set of conditions is that the line drawn in your mind between those two states is unique. Each person has a conceptual boundary in their mind between what jealousy would be warranted or not, but it is drawn differently. In a relationship you discover all the places it does not align with your partner's. There isn't a way to draw that line externally and applicable to all people.

This is true, but my point was that I believe either side of the jealousy dichotomy I created (warranted or unwarranted) is problematic to a relationship. I understand making the dichotomy is reductive to the emotion as a whole, it is just a fairly easy way to broadly quantify jealousy for the sake of argument.

Cheating is not always an obvious intentional break of trust. Not only do people struggle to be honest with each other, they struggle to be honest with themselves. Relationships they convince themselves are innocent turn quickly to cheating under stress. Cheating never happens in a vacuum. There is a long progression in behaviors that at first are entirely justifiable and gradually less so. At what point is jealousy warranted? Parts of that process are can be free of ill-intent but based on moments of loneliness, separation, or other difficulties of life. It would be great if it were simple, binary, and always definable, but it isn't. And what if your partner encourages you to do something you consider cheating, or at least questionable in terms of boundary lines, but not only are they not jealous, they desire it? What are those emotional repercussions? To give an innocent, but common example, what if your partner pressures you to dress sexy so that guys gawk and hit on you? Does that lack of jealousy with all the trust it implies give a good feeling if you felt like that behavior suggested a breaking from intimacy?

I think this shows the need for communication in a relationship. If my significant other wanted me to act in a way that I feel is dishonest its my right and obligation to bring that up and discuss that with her. If this is going to be a contentious issue in our relationship and its something that's too big to just comply with then I'd end the relationship long before I got to a point where jealousy would enter into the equation. You're right that cheating in a relationship isn't something that exists by itself but feelings of jealousy that stem from the cheating also aren't going to help get to the core issues of the relationship.
 

Kasper

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At this point, how are we even defining jealousy?

We're not, it's an individual thing.


Maybe I read the thread title and still don't think it should be a binary question, especially because the style and level of jealousy is never defined.

I mean, who would want to be with a spouse who is overtly jealous in ways that have destructive influence and create tendencies to control within the relationship?

However, I do expect my spouse to care enough to feel like I am not being faithful if I start spending too much time elsewhere and not enough time with him. You could also call this "jealousy," but it's protective of the relationship, not destructive. Then again, we have those here who think no one should ever feel that way because they still see that as some form of control/negative energy.

If taken as a binary and with the word vaguely defined, the poll seems sort of silly to me.

I very purposely don't care about the definition, it can be whatever you take it to mean, however you see it playing out in a relationship. It's also not meant to be polarised, it asks what your general preference would be under the conditions you choose, meaning within the definitions of what you consider reasonable. That will change for everyone. Don't over think this, if a tinge of jealousy in a relationship is likely to disarm you in a bad way then vote against it, if no matter how positive or negative you think it is it's likely to give you a feeling of contentment that your partner "cares enough" to be jealous then vote for it. Quit over analysing INTPs! :tongue:

Btw, I get the impression that the correct answer for you is "for" :D

I was repped that the poll may have more meaning with sx/sp/so options, I'm starting to think that may have been more relevant.


I think everyone would tend to agree that jealousy based on negative imagination (personal insecurity projecting false information onto another person's behavior) is not healthy.

Absolutely.


I agree! I think there should be another poll about the definition of 'jealousy' :D

INFJs too now? :steam:


Everything you describe can be the way it plays out. You describe a dividing line between warranted and unwarranted jealousy. What makes this issue problematic to place into a binary set of conditions is that the line drawn in your mind between those two states is unique. Each person has a conceptual boundary in their mind between what jealousy would be warranted or not, but it is drawn differently. In a relationship you discover all the places it does not align with your partner's. There isn't a way to draw that line externally and applicable to all people.

And again, EXACTLY!

This is why I do not care about finding a universal definition, jealousy in a relationship is not a universal thing. Most people will not have a strong for or against feeling because there can be many different circumstances where its display would cause a different reaction. It isn't black and white, the poll simply asks which would you be more comfortable with most of the time.
 
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