Does anger really have to be valid? Looking to other people to validate your anger will probably just confuse you and frustrate you, because different people would have different responses to the same situation you’re in. So don’t look to other people to validate what you’re thinking and feeling, or to necessarily point you in the right direction.
I think you wonder whether your anger is valid because you sense the underlying reason for your anger – hurt. I do think that many times, true anger is a result of being injured. If you can acknowledge that, I think you’re already way ahead of a lot of people. Then the journey becomes figuring out why you are hurt. It may be vaguely obvious – it’s got something to do with so-and-so, but maybe you can’t pinpoint the action that hurt most, or maybe it’s the situation itself that is so hurtful, but you don’t know what to do about it.
I’ve been there. I /am/ there. I think trying to place yourself in their shoes, and trying to muster compassion for them, may work, but it won’t be easy. I don’t know if I’d try that (because I’m just hypothesizing and haven’t actually tried it, but compassion would seem to lessen hurt). Perhaps it’s your entire outlook that’s contributing to your hurt and subsequent anger (I agree that anger is a natural response to being hurt). I know what it’s like to wonder whether it’s me, or whether it’s my environment, that’s causing my negative emotions. You know what I mean? You wonder if you’re overreacting, or if, with a different mindset, you’d have a completely different, perhaps significantly more positive response. Yup. This is relative to how I feel right now.
I’ve been working on my outlook in life, especially where it concerns my relationships with people. I’ve been trying to pinpoint what’s making me unhappy in my dealings with people. Sometimes I feel completely gooey and inauthentic. Other times I feel too forceful. Overall, I feel like it shouldn’t be /this hard/ to express myself, but it is.
I’ve returned to studying the enneagram. I’m a type two, and I remember that the first time I read about my type, my entire, and I mean my /entire/, outlook was changed. I realized that I had been giving in order to receive, and that I did fear being “bad” and “unloved,” but I’d never realized it before! It was a complete rearrangement of my psyche and my approach to relationships from top to bottom. For perhaps a year, I was very satisfied in all my relationships, I had ten times more ease making friends, and I didn’t feel unloved and unwanted, and most of all, I didn’t feel like I had to /try/ to be loved.
But recently I’ve fallen back into doubting myself and not understanding where all my emotions come from. I question my responses, like you. I question how valid they are, because I intuitively know that there was a time when, with my old outlook, I wouldn’t feel so hurt and angry in certain situations. I feel like half the person I was, or that I’ve become the worst version of myself sometimes.
I think a good place to start, for you and me, is to take care of our needs, and to be kind to ourselves. If we are gentle with ourselves and can forgive mistakes, perfection doesn’t seem as urgent. This is much easier /said/ than done, of course! Also, I think that becoming self-sufficient in some sense of the word would be a great idea. Perhaps if we felt independent in the sense that we didn't need others to validate our feelings and responses to things, and in the sense that even if everything in our lives turned to shit, we’d still feel ok, because we have the most important person we need – ourselves – that would be good. If I can master that outlook, and be gentle with myself, and realize that I am awesome even when I make mistakes, I think I’ll feel better all around.
Good luck! Keep us updated on your thought processes! I like reading your thoughts. They have a very step-by-step feel to them that is easy to understand. Also, I really liked your naughty fiction, if I remember correctly, but I didn't get a chance to really sit down and read it all. (But I like writing that kind of stuff too! Actually, I just love writing, period.)
p.s. I just have so much anxiety concerning my outlook, and whether it's good enough, that I tend to inevitably bring out the worst in myself. Sigh. I know my outlook is the problem, but I make such a big deal about it! Can I have my frontal lobe removed for a few hours, so I don't have to worry so much?