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Anger

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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How do you process anger? How do you know when it is justified, or when it is indulgence?

I have a great deal of trouble processing anger. It so quickly alters thinking. How can you trust it? It seems rooted in entitlement which I have long come to see as a useless frame of mind. I have some anger at the moment, but don't have a system by which I can tell if it is justified. How do you know when anger is constructive vs. destructive?
 

The Ü™

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Well, I'd like to curse people out, but since I'm not around people that often, I usually curse out the air. Although I must restrain my desire to throw and break expensive possessions, such as the computer. But since I never throw valuable things, It's not really being destructive, so I don't really have an anger problem.

Cursing people out and threatening people who are weaker than me would likely be constructive, because the intimidation that ensues will get those people to do what they're told. Appearing stronger also helps. So in that way, anger becomes constructive.

Beyond that, the concepts of constructive or destructive are foreign to me.
 

Athenian200

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How do you process anger? How do you know when it is justified, or when it is indulgence?

I have a great deal of trouble processing anger. It so quickly alters thinking. How can you trust it? It seems rooted in entitlement which I have long come to see as a useless frame of mind. I have some anger at the moment, but don't have a system by which I can tell if it is justified. How do you know when anger is constructive vs. destructive?

I think most of it is indulgence that can be hard to resist at times, but occasionally it's justified. Try to assess whether the anger of other people is justified in particular situations beforehand, and compare your own assessments from then to your later state of mind. Also, you would do well to ask other people you know if you have a right to be angry in that situation. You can't accurately assess the validity of your own anger, only that of others.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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Not processing anger is a big problem. Intellectually I know that it should not be judged or dismissed any more than any other feeling. If you don't process it, then you internalize it. This can cause people to make destructive choices either towards themselves or others. When a person is hurt or violated, the healthy response is anger. They need to feel it in order to get past it. What adds a difficult layer is if the hurt or violation was not intended. Then how do you feel angry? There is still something that needs to be worked through even if you understand why it happened. Then there are situations where a person is hurt or violated by someone intentionally. In that case the response of anger is important, but also clear and easier to feel. But in addition to this anger can result from distorted perceptions. Clarifying the thinking can remove the sense of hurt. This is where it is most difficult to distinguish.
 

ygolo

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How do you process anger? How do you know when it is justified, or when it is indulgence?

I have a great deal of trouble processing anger. It so quickly alters thinking. How can you trust it? It seems rooted in entitlement which I have long come to see as a useless frame of mind. I have some anger at the moment, but don't have a system by which I can tell if it is justified. How do you know when anger is constructive vs. destructive?

Anger (as I see it) is a fairly rare feeling for me. Annoyance and frustration are common thought, and I suppose those may be considered anger by some.

I process frustration by either continuing to try different things and at then trying to let go of whatever is frustrating me.

Annoyance is much harder. I try to alleviate whatever is annoying me while at the same time trying to "let go" again. I am not good at letting go.

As far as justification, I don't consider that aspect of it.
 

allie bug

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the best anger-dealing lesson i've learned is to just WAIT.....wait to dump it on someone else lap to sort out, wait to confront the person and/or thing that makes you angry. when you have a clearer head, you can weigh why you are angry and the action which will give you the satisfaction you need to counter the anger.

" but I never question the validity of it. I honor my feelings and instincts."

-excuse the unboxed quote :)

I more than agree with Dana's posting.there is a reason that you feel angry, or feel frustrated...or just feel period.
 

Mempy

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Does anger really have to be valid? Looking to other people to validate your anger will probably just confuse you and frustrate you, because different people would have different responses to the same situation you’re in. So don’t look to other people to validate what you’re thinking and feeling, or to necessarily point you in the right direction.

I think you wonder whether your anger is valid because you sense the underlying reason for your anger – hurt. I do think that many times, true anger is a result of being injured. If you can acknowledge that, I think you’re already way ahead of a lot of people. Then the journey becomes figuring out why you are hurt. It may be vaguely obvious – it’s got something to do with so-and-so, but maybe you can’t pinpoint the action that hurt most, or maybe it’s the situation itself that is so hurtful, but you don’t know what to do about it.

I’ve been there. I /am/ there. I think trying to place yourself in their shoes, and trying to muster compassion for them, may work, but it won’t be easy. I don’t know if I’d try that (because I’m just hypothesizing and haven’t actually tried it, but compassion would seem to lessen hurt). Perhaps it’s your entire outlook that’s contributing to your hurt and subsequent anger (I agree that anger is a natural response to being hurt). I know what it’s like to wonder whether it’s me, or whether it’s my environment, that’s causing my negative emotions. You know what I mean? You wonder if you’re overreacting, or if, with a different mindset, you’d have a completely different, perhaps significantly more positive response. Yup. This is relative to how I feel right now.

I’ve been working on my outlook in life, especially where it concerns my relationships with people. I’ve been trying to pinpoint what’s making me unhappy in my dealings with people. Sometimes I feel completely gooey and inauthentic. Other times I feel too forceful. Overall, I feel like it shouldn’t be /this hard/ to express myself, but it is.

I’ve returned to studying the enneagram. I’m a type two, and I remember that the first time I read about my type, my entire, and I mean my /entire/, outlook was changed. I realized that I had been giving in order to receive, and that I did fear being “bad” and “unloved,” but I’d never realized it before! It was a complete rearrangement of my psyche and my approach to relationships from top to bottom. For perhaps a year, I was very satisfied in all my relationships, I had ten times more ease making friends, and I didn’t feel unloved and unwanted, and most of all, I didn’t feel like I had to /try/ to be loved.

But recently I’ve fallen back into doubting myself and not understanding where all my emotions come from. I question my responses, like you. I question how valid they are, because I intuitively know that there was a time when, with my old outlook, I wouldn’t feel so hurt and angry in certain situations. I feel like half the person I was, or that I’ve become the worst version of myself sometimes.

I think a good place to start, for you and me, is to take care of our needs, and to be kind to ourselves. If we are gentle with ourselves and can forgive mistakes, perfection doesn’t seem as urgent. This is much easier /said/ than done, of course! Also, I think that becoming self-sufficient in some sense of the word would be a great idea. Perhaps if we felt independent in the sense that we didn't need others to validate our feelings and responses to things, and in the sense that even if everything in our lives turned to shit, we’d still feel ok, because we have the most important person we need – ourselves – that would be good. If I can master that outlook, and be gentle with myself, and realize that I am awesome even when I make mistakes, I think I’ll feel better all around.

Good luck! Keep us updated on your thought processes! I like reading your thoughts. They have a very step-by-step feel to them that is easy to understand. Also, I really liked your naughty fiction, if I remember correctly, but I didn't get a chance to really sit down and read it all. (But I like writing that kind of stuff too! Actually, I just love writing, period.)

p.s. I just have so much anxiety concerning my outlook, and whether it's good enough, that I tend to inevitably bring out the worst in myself. Sigh. I know my outlook is the problem, but I make such a big deal about it! Can I have my frontal lobe removed for a few hours, so I don't have to worry so much?
 

Siúil a Rúin

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Does anger really have to be valid? Looking to other people to validate your anger will probably just confuse you and frustrate you, because different people would have different responses to the same situation you’re in. So don’t look to other people to validate what you’re thinking and feeling, or to necessarily point you in the right direction.

I think you wonder whether your anger is valid because you sense the underlying reason for your anger – hurt. I do think that many times, true anger is a result of being injured. If you can acknowledge that, I think you’re already way ahead of a lot of people. Then the journey becomes figuring out why you are hurt. It may be vaguely obvious – it’s got something to do with so-and-so, but maybe you can’t pinpoint the action that hurt most, or maybe it’s the situation itself that is so hurtful, but you don’t know what to do about it.

I’ve been there. I /am/ there. I think trying to place yourself in their shoes, and trying to muster compassion for them, may work, but it won’t be easy. I don’t know if I’d try that (because I’m just hypothesizing and haven’t actually tried it, but compassion would seem to lessen hurt). Perhaps it’s your entire outlook that’s contributing to your hurt and subsequent anger (I agree that anger is a natural response to being hurt). I know what it’s like to wonder whether it’s me, or whether it’s my environment, that’s causing my negative emotions. You know what I mean? You wonder if you’re overreacting, or if, with a different mindset, you’d have a completely different, perhaps significantly more positive response. Yup. This is relative to how I feel right now.

I’ve been working on my outlook in life, especially where it concerns my relationships with people. I’ve been trying to pinpoint what’s making me unhappy in my dealings with people. Sometimes I feel completely gooey and inauthentic. Other times I feel too forceful. Overall, I feel like it shouldn’t be /this hard/ to express myself, but it is.
Everything here resonates with me. I'm trying to make important decisions based on my conclusions. I'm so afraid of being really stupid. For me the hurt and attempts at seeing things from their perspective came first with anger resonating in the background. Anger can give you the strength and self assurance to move in a direction, but if it is unfounded, you can move in the wrong direction.

But recently I’ve fallen back into doubting myself and not understanding where all my emotions come from. I question my responses, like you. I question how valid they are, because I intuitively know that there was a time when, with my old outlook, I wouldn’t feel so hurt and angry in certain situations. I feel like half the person I was, or that I’ve become the worst version of myself sometimes.

I think a good place to start, for you and me, is to take care of our needs, and to be kind to ourselves. If we are gentle with ourselves and can forgive mistakes, perfection doesn’t seem as urgent. This is much easier /said/ than done, of course! Also, I think that becoming self-sufficient in some sense of the word would be a great idea. Perhaps if we felt independent in the sense that we didn't need others to validate our feelings and responses to things, and in the sense that even if everything in our lives turned to shit, we’d still feel ok, because we have the most important person we need – ourselves – that would be good. If I can master that outlook, and be gentle with myself, and realize that I am awesome even when I make mistakes, I think I’ll feel better all around.
That makes a lot of sense. Also, the self-sufficiency provides a kind of personal strength, taking away some of the layers of fear, especially the fear of loss. Any little bit of certainty helps.

I would so love to go out with you for a cappuccino right now. :hug:
 

cascadeco

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How do you process anger? How do you know when it is justified, or when it is indulgence?

I have a great deal of trouble processing anger. It so quickly alters thinking. How can you trust it? It seems rooted in entitlement which I have long come to see as a useless frame of mind. I have some anger at the moment, but don't have a system by which I can tell if it is justified. How do you know when anger is constructive vs. destructive?

I've been sitting here trying to think of instances where I've been really angry at someone, and I haven't come up with anything. Annoyance and frustration, yes, I experience those. But I don't think things ever escalate to anger for me. If someone would say something to me that would cause most others to react in anger, I tend to just get quiet and just get hurt and upset, and then I start thinking I did something wrong. The other problem is that I am usually able to understand why a person acted the way they did, and can see things from their perspective. By the time I see things from their perspective, I can't really be angry with them.

But this is just what my immediate reactions are towards things. I tend to immediately assess what *I* did to bring about things, and I only belatedly make the connection that I might not have done anything 'wrong' and might not have deserved what someone said to me. But 'belatedly' is the operative word -- by the time I realize I might not have deserved something, I'm kinda past the stage where anger would be present for most people.

But if it's something that *doesn't directly involve me* -- like it involves friends and I don't like how friends are being treated, or something on a larger scale like world events or things that matter greatly to me (like environmental issues) - then I can definitely experience emotions more in line with pure anger.

I'm apparently unable to fully experience anger though when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Like I said, much of it is that I tend to understand why the other person is acting the way they are, and also initially think I must be in the wrong. But I also think part of it is that the thought of my anger being unjustified is something I can't stomach, so I spend the majority of my time trying to figure out if I'm justified in feeling hurt/upset or not, and by the time I've figured it out, my feelings have cooled down for the most part anyway. :rolli: So the 'anger' I feel by the end of the process isn't something I have any need to express outwardly - like, it's lost its oomph by that point, and I'd be more rational, I suppose, when explaining to the person why I was hurt/upset, rather than being emotional about it. If that makes ANY sense at all. :)
 

ygolo

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I've been sitting here trying to think of instances where I've been really angry at someone, and I haven't come up with anything. Annoyance and frustration, yes, I experience those. But I don't think things ever escalate to anger for me. If someone would say something to me that would cause most others to react in anger, I tend to just get quiet and just get hurt and upset, and then I start thinking I did something wrong. The other problem is that I am usually able to understand why a person acted the way they did, and can see things from their perspective. By the time I see things from their perspective, I can't really be angry with them.

But this is just what my immediate reactions are towards things. I tend to immediately assess what *I* did to bring about things, and I only belatedly make the connection that I might not have done anything 'wrong' and might not have deserved what someone said to me. But 'belatedly' is the operative word -- by the time I realize I might not have deserved something, I'm kinda past the stage where anger would be present for most people.

But if it's something that *doesn't directly involve me* -- like it involves friends and I don't like how friends are being treated, or something on a larger scale like world events or things that matter greatly to me (like environmental issues) - then I can definitely experience emotions more in line with pure anger.

I'm apparently unable to fully experience anger though when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Like I said, much of it is that I tend to understand why the other person is acting the way they are. But I also think part of it is that the thought of my anger being unjustified is something I can't stomach, so I spend time trying to figure out if I'm justified in feeling hurt/upset or not, and by the time I've figured it out, my feelings have cooled down for the most part anyway. :rolli:

I relate to these comments very much. In situations where others expect me to be angry, I find I am actually confused and frustrated. Perhaps, I need to learn to become angry.
 

cascadeco

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I relate to these comments very much. In situations where others expect me to be angry, I find I am actually confused and frustrated. Perhaps, I need to learn to become angry.

Might be therapeutic, huh?? :) I think it would be cleansing in a way, and I've sometimes thought it would be 'healthier' for me to just get angry immediately. But I really don't think that's going to change for me!!!! It's too much a part of who I am and how I process things. I turn inward. And I think it can be a good method for different reasons. :)

But yeah - maybe someday my wrath will burst forth of its own accord. :)
 

ygolo

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But yeah - maybe someday my wrath will burst forth of its own accord. :)

That happens about once every three-four years or so, and apparently it is frightening to those on the other end.

I don't think I go further than anyone else in expressing anger in thsese situations, but I know for sure that I am not in control, and perhaps that is what is so frightening to people.
 

cafe

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A sense of entitlement is not a bad thing if you simply consider yourself entitled to be treated as a human being who is of equal value to other human beings. In my mind, every human being, including me, has a right to be treated with dignity and respect. When someone violates that for myself, someone I care about, or sometimes any person at all, it can make me angry. This, to me, is valid anger.

Anger, to me, is morally neutral. It is an emotion and all emotions have value. That value is sometimes simply a sign to your conscious mind that something isn't right. Your reason for being angry at another person or even yourself, may or may not be valid, but the feeling is like a check engine light. It tells you to look into the situation and explore why you are feeling that way. Once you get some kind of idea what's going on, you can decide how you want to proceed.

One way of sorting out whether or not anger is valid is to mentally change the players around a few times. How would I feel if someone did the act I'm angry about to a friend of mine? How would I feel if they did it to a stranger? How would I feel if the person who triggered my anger was on the receiving end instead of the other way around? You can also ask yourself questions about the particular action. Was the person's act illegal, immoral, unkind, selfish? Was it provoked? Was their intent to cause harm? Was it reckless disregard? Is the behavior habitual?

It is when a person considers their rights more valid than those of others that you have to worry about entitlement and invalid expressions of anger, IMO.
 
R

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[...] Anger, to me, is morally neutral. It is an emotion and all emotions have value. That value is sometimes simply a sign to your conscious mind that something isn't right. Your reason for being angry at another person or even yourself, may or may not be valid, but the feeling is like a check engine light. It tells you to look into the situation and explore why you are feeling that way. Once you get some kind of idea what's going on, you can decide how you want to proceed.

Absolutely.

I treat anger (and indeed many emotions) as a reality check. It's a sign that one's expectations are not matching up with reality.

So I interpret anger as a sign that maybe it's time for a change. Either I should change my expectations, or I should change the reality. Or some compromise between the two. Or some third path that effectively bypasses all of the above.

If another person is involved, then one can blow up on the other person, dump the anger in the lap of the other person, and force them to resolve the impasse somehow. But that's a risky game and can burn bridges and end relationships. So I prefer to use my anger as a sign that there's a problem, and then process the problem by working out some solutions myself and selling the solutions to the other person. That keeps me in control of the situation, and the anger disappears as some new avenues for change open up in front of me. And I can always tap into the emotion when selling the need for change to others. That is, I can tap into the emotion to demonstrate emphatically that some kind of change is needed quickly, while still maintaining a proactive, cooperative stance by simultaneously suggesting some realistic options for change.

Even if I ultimately decide that there's no way of changing the reality and that I have to change my expectations, that still can be empowering and disperse the anger. Resolving to accept the status quo can give me a new sense of purpose. I'll tell myself, "I've been drifting along and refusing to take things seriously because I've been waiting for the status quo to change. But it hasn't changed. So maybe it's time to dig in, take it seriously, learn to accept the downside, and see what new possibilities might arise by virtue of really committing myself to this track."

So in that sense, anger is useful. It's a sign that the old paradigm isn't working, and that it's time to hunt for some new perspectives on the situation. IOW, I trust the legitimacy of the emotion by treating it as an important event--a reality check. Then I analyze my situation and try to brainstorm or negotiate some new ways of seeing it and handling it.

For the same reason, I also try to take other people's anger seriously. I assume that they're wrestling with something important, and to the extent possible, I try to show them valid ways to change the situation. Or, if appropriate, I try to explain and validate the status quo for them, so that they can gain a more realistic view of their situation, modify their expectations, and learn to accept a situation that previously seemed intolerable to them.

One way of sorting out whether or not anger is valid is to mentally change the players around a few times. How would I feel if someone did the act I'm angry about to a friend of mine? How would I feel if they did it to a stranger? How would I feel if the person who triggered my anger was on the receiving end instead of the other way around? You can also ask yourself questions about the particular action. Was the person's act illegal, immoral, unkind, selfish? Was it provoked? Was their intent to cause harm? Was it reckless disregard? Is the behavior habitual?

Yeah, the hardest part of the whole process is often "distancing" oneself from the problem enough to get over the hurt a bit and look at the problem with fresh eyes or from multiple sides. I generally distance myself from a problem by labeling it as a "reality check" and treating it almost as some kind of academic psychology or leadership exercise: "If I were teaching this situation to students in a leadership class, how would I instruct them to handle it?"

Another way to "distance" oneself is to see the problem through new eyes, by putting other people in the same roles as cafe suggested: "If my best friend were going through this same situation, what advice would I give her?"
 

Maverick

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Anger is the most misunderstood emotion. It is also one of the emotions I am the most familiar with. I have always been a very calm person but I am very much in touch with my anger. I don't usually write long posts, but since this is a subject I'm really interested in, I'll take the time for anyone interested enough.

Appropriate anger:

Constructive anger is an emotion that pushes us to act and change our environment. It stems from the perception that a state of things is unfair. It is a moral emotion linked to our perception of justice.

Appropriate expression of anger:

Learning how to constructively manage your anger yields you great authority over others. Teachers, judges, policemen and military leaders are typically examples of people who learn to manage their anger in constructive ways to assert control over their environment. Authoritative (but not authoritarian) people all use their anger in a proper way. It makes them respected and listened to. Properly managed anger makes you assertive and not aggressive. When managed, it is expressed calmly, strongly and in a powerful manner. There is nothing as intimidating as cold anger.

For example:

- If you see a child getting unfairly treated, anger will motivate you to interfere and "correct" the injustice
- If somebody tries to ignore a queue and go in front, anger will motivate you to speak up and tell them to go to the back.
- If someone is talking over the phone in a movie theater, anger will motivate you to tell them to stop talking.
- If you are a teacher and students are making too much noise, anger will motivate you to tell them to be quiet.
- If you are a leader in a situation of crisis where something unfair is happening and people are confused about what to do, anger will motivate you to take charge and assign roles to others to ensure that the group continues to function

Inappropriate anger:

Now, there are also forms of anger that are unwarranted in the sense whey they make us want to change our environment when the problem is with ourselves. Destructive anger stems from a personal sense of entitlement that is rooted in how we think things should function, but our expectancies are not fair and/or selfish. Destructive anger can hint on the psychological maturity of someone and tells us how they expect things should work.

For example, people who feel angry because:

- they don't get what they want
- they are not the center of attention
- they are proven wrong
- they're not the winner
- someone is better than them
- the world doesn't function according to their ideals
- someone expresses an opinion contrary to them
- people are not the way they would like them to be
- they think someone is not talking to them the way they "should" be talked to

This anger is rooted in insecurity and unrealistic expectancies about others. It is immature because the whole world cannot change to your will. This kind of anger should motivate you not to change your environment, but to change yourself and your perception of things. When you feel this anger, you need to re-evaluate your mindset and exercize self-control.

Inappropriate expressions of anger

Regardless of the type of anger, inappropriate expression of anger includes excessive shouting, rage, passive-aggression, psychological and physical violence. Uncontrolled anger does not command respect and is not useful for the environment. It hurts people and yourself in the long run. It alienates you from people.

Non properly managed anger has the propensity to lead to aggression and destructive conflict. In most conflicts people tend to blame the other party and fail to take responsibility for their actions and mistakes. This leads to a cycle of escalated violence. If ignored, it will lead to passive-aggressive behavior: ignoring, criticizing, "forgetting" things, arriving late, being consistently antagonistic, emotionally manipulating people, guilt tripping, etc.

What is the solution then? A commonly used technique to help people who have inappropriate management and expression of anger is to teach them assertiveness skills (i.e. saying what you want, feel and think without hurting someone else). Contrary to popular belief, "venting" does nothing but exacerbate your anger. The best is to take a step back, assess the situation, then explain your feelings calmly and firmly.
 

CzeCze

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I think lots of helfpul things have already been said on the subject and it's interesting to see different people's POV. I agree with Maverick that's it's a misunderstood emotion and with Cafe that's in itself its value neutral, neither 'good' nor 'bad', just another state of mind and feeling. Anger does have an element of "entitlement" to it i.e. there is a discrepancy between expectations and reality. But you can argue that's the basis for almost all emotions. And others have already stated why that in itself doesn't mean your anger automatically is selfish or invalid.

And while it's important to ask yourself why you feel what you do, if you find you are often unsure whether your anger is 'right' and it holds you back from expressing it, I would say you might as well do something as say, "I'm angry and I don't know why and that's totally fine". Emotions don't have to 'make sense' and maybe this sounds obvious, but in regards to relationships not telling people you are sad or angry or hurt about something is generally unhelpful and downright damaging in relationships.

I believe you should always honor and acknowledge your emotions and your responses to things and process them. Including and especially the 'scary' ones like fear, anger, hurt.

I think people confuse 'processing' emotions with 'accepting at face value' or going into a tailspin of crying, hysterics, and breaking stuff. It's totally possible to allow yourself to feel the full force of your anger and let it pass while simultaneously intellectually judging yourself in the wrong. It basically means giving yourself permission to be imperfect and human, to be yourself without beating yourself up for being 'weak' or 'incorrect'.
 

Mempy

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I think people confuse 'processing' emotions with 'accepting at face value' or going into a tailspin of crying, hysterics, and breaking stuff. It's totally possible to allow yourself to feel the full force of your anger and let it pass while simultaneously intellectually judging yourself in the wrong. It basically means giving yourself permission to be imperfect and human, to be yourself without beating yourself up for being 'weak' or 'incorrect'.

Very nicely said. I think it is partly about self-forgiveness. I remember one of the toughest weeks of my life. I lost my uncle, my dog got lost, and I got fired from my job in the same damn week. Horrible! So there were definitely a lot of /reasons/ to be angry and shit-faced sad, and all of that. What I allowed myself to do was to feel all the pain I was feeling. I said to myself, "It's ok to be hurt and angry. It's ok." By simply allowing myself to feel whatever pain I felt, it healed. By expressly not trying to heal, I healed.

I also realized that my dog, my job, and even my uncle were simply valuable to me because I imbued them with value (if you've read a few enneagram books, you'll probably be familiar with this idea). The one constant factor in all of this mess, in all the loss, was me. /I/ was the one who imbued what I valued with value. So where did that value come from? From me, from myself. I was imbuing these things with my own value, and that's what made me want them. I was valuable, no matter what happened. I had me, at the end of the day, and as long as I had me, I would be all right. It was a matter of feeling centered because I knew I /was/ the center, at least of my universe. That, coupled with being gentle with myself, and telling myself that my emotions, good or bad, were ok, really helped me to work through my hurt and anger and everything else, without censuring it or hurrying to get past it. Just feeling it while being centered was a way to get it out of my system without losing the impact or the value of the experience. To this day, I remember that week, and the conclusions I came to during that week, as very valuable, especially for future cases of loss.
 

Geoff

Lallygag Moderator
Joined
Apr 24, 2007
Messages
5,584
MBTI Type
INXP
How do you process anger? How do you know when it is justified, or when it is indulgence?

I have a great deal of trouble processing anger. It so quickly alters thinking. How can you trust it? It seems rooted in entitlement which I have long come to see as a useless frame of mind. I have some anger at the moment, but don't have a system by which I can tell if it is justified. How do you know when anger is constructive vs. destructive?

I don't seem to possess it. I suppose this is classic INTP territory.. often without a temper until really really pushed.. which perhaps I very rarely am. In any case, I don't seem to get angry or feel anything more than frustration. Just once in a while I suffer from unbidden shouting in my head.. like testosterone screaming at me, but I'm good at ignoring it.

I don't think I am in any kind of denial, because I have low anxiety and don't believe I have any issues to work out. *shrug*.

-Geoff
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
11,429
MBTI Type
eNFJ
Enneagram
4w3
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Toonia --

I'm beginning to wonder if anger is a particularly uncomfortable area for NFJs, esp the Is. There are several INFJs of my acquaintance who seem to gulp anger (out of a sense of guilt? loss of control?) until they get sick or explode. I do something similar, only I reach critical mass MUCH faster. My ignition point is reached more quickly, and I erupt.

I don't know about anyone else, but if I haven't been allowed to take all the time I require to process through a particular emotion (or thought), I can become VERY hostile. I hate it when people (even well-meaning ones) attempt to guilt/talk me out of a feeling I'm having. It makes me feel marginalized, further adding to the anger. My ENFP sister seems to be able to process her feelings more quickly, whereas I require a lot more time. I take this as a reflection of temperament, not "wallowing".

I think anger can be very constructive and shouldn't be feared when it is. Out of control plate-throwing is another animal altogether.
 
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