reconciling your facade with your inner self

[miss fortune]

all fine and good when it's your thread

 

[Mole]

Whatever's Thread - Private Property

all fine and good when it's your thread

Can you own a thread? I thought this was a public thread. Perhaps you should have warned us and written, "Whatever's Thread", and, "Private Property", at the top to warn us off.

 

[foolish heart]

I was staring into the bathroom mirror trying to figure out how to overcome my own self-defeating behavior/insanity when I realized what I must do, and instantly I remembered the title of this thread!

Our higher situational awareness tells us that when something goes wrong it is actually better not to acknowledge it because that might trigger a fear-based irrational response from others. This, like all behaviors, is contagious and ends up ruining it for everyone--including you or I. We stay in control of the situation (and how we are coming off to others) so we can make the right moves to reach a resolution.

When something goes wrong with us, we suddenly have to make ourselves believe everything is alright to avoid the same irrationality. Knowing just how often "not alright" things can be despite other people believing they are, who wouldn't feel crazy telling themselves what they know isn't true? When the same thing happened to me, I went into an existential funk where I sought a higher truth to determine whether I was, in fact, crazy. Regardless of how crazy it feels, now I believe this calm, controlled response is the right one.

Then the inner-self discovers something new: if I had just been totally honest I could have gotten a bit of help (I guess even I need a little!) I could have gotten through that rough patch so much easier that it would make it worth the cost of removing the facade. At that point, we begin to question whether it's worth being totally honest all the time... how much better might our past have gone if we had, and fear of being trapped behind the comfortable facade while struggling with a problem we can't handle in the future (hopeless feeling). This self-questioning only magnifies the crazy feeling I mentioned in the previous paragraph!

Today I realized that even though I am the center of calm and control that people can count on in a crisis, I am still human and I should allow my inner-self to acknowledge introspectively a problem if it is my own, it doesn't mean lowering the facade and causing an irrational response. If I can't deal with something in the future, the fact that once in a while humanity can do for me what I do for them gives me hope in more than just myself, and comfort knowing I can allow myself to step out from behind the facade if I need to. Still, I don't need to be absolutely honest because I understand what experience tells me about doing that. I should still trust myself [not to be crazy] because I am able to be absolutely honest with myself.

 

[miss fortune]

to LNL- I definitley can agree with the whole thing about fear based irrational responses from others- that's why I've kept it under wraps from EVERYONE for so long... there's nothing worse than having some sort of judgement or stigmatization thrown your way for something that you don't even WANT

and it's always harder to ask for help when you've always been people's calm- the one they turn to in times of trouble- there's almost something unfair about that, but it's true. It's almost like admitting that you can't fill that role anymore because of a weakness or something

don't know if it's the same rationality for you though

 

[disregard]

Is that how you did it? Little by little? I often feel like there's something inside of me trying to "get out" know what I mean? It's starting. As a recovering anorexic (not sure why I feel so safe sharing so openly here...I guess it's easier online), I'm good at accommodating everyone other than me! For now, it's mostly external...finding my voice through veganism, music I listen to, clothes, etc. Every time I try to stand up to hubby though, I crumble and end up crying! (He's the only person I've tried to stand up to pretty much. The only time it's ok for me to stand up for myself is if it's amoral or ethical thing that I feel is bigger than me...and even then I hesitate!) He's a great guy...I just have a hard time saying or doing anything that will rock the boat with anyone!! It's tough breaking free! Very scary! What if someone doesn't like the real me, that sort of thing. I'm sorry you've been there...but happy to know you've come out the other side whole and ok! (I hope truly free and happy and blissful!) Thanks!

Well, it was a "fake it 'til you make it" thing.

I thought, "how does the person I want to be behave?" and I mimicked it.

 

[Mole]

Well, it was a "fake it 'til you make it" thing.

My friend, Carolyn, has suffered clinical depression for twenty years, and she keeps on saying, "Fake it 'til you make it", through my tears.

 

[foolish heart]

and it's always harder to ask for help when you've always been people's calm- the one they turn to in times of trouble- there's almost something unfair about that, but it's true. It's almost like admitting that you can't fill that role anymore because of a weakness or something

don't know if it's the same rationality for you though

It is the same quality of so often making up for everyone else's shortcoming in times of trouble that makes it so hard to admit that we have our own (few and far in-between as they are ). That is when it is time to look in the mirror, recognize our humanity despite our seemingly inhuman role (which is why it seems unfair) and ask "how can this person [in the mirror] get help when they have trouble they can't handle?"

the hardest thing for those seen as flawless in the eyes of others is to show how they aren't, only then will they experience how much love there is for the leader.

 

[miss fortune]

*sigh* true... I'm always the one who keeps things going, the perfect hostess, the friend people go to to calm them down and fix things... the knowlege that I can't fix this and it's a real struggle to help others at times can be extremely frustrating (I do beleive that a few walls got punched early on for that reason )

it's almost like you're expected to always bounce back and be there... that's what makes any vulnerability extra hard to face... when depressed I can't even make eye contact with a mirror...

 

[Ivy]

all fine and good when it's your thread

You started this thread in Other Psychology Topics, not Personal Threads, which means it belongs to everyone and others are free to address the topic in their own way. If you want more control over the content of threads you start about your own experiences, start them in Personal Threads or in your own blog.

 

[miss fortune]

I was merely pointing out that it had nothing to do with the topic... which falls under a certain definition, I beleive

 

[foolish heart]

*sigh* true... I'm always the one who keeps things going, the perfect hostess, the friend people go to to calm them down and fix things... the knowlege that I can't fix this and it's a real struggle to help others at times can be extremely frustrating (I do beleive that a few walls got punched early on for that reason )

it's almost like you're expected to always bounce back and be there... that's what makes any vulnerability extra hard to face... when depressed I can't even make eye contact with a mirror...

Same here. I was invulnerable on the outside so the inner-self didn't have a chance to develop that same resilience. When I was emotionally vulnerable I was unprepared and the blow was very painful. Then I never wanted to feel that pain again and I became dependent on my invulnerability.

The root feeling of violation is so deplorable and disgusting that I didn't realize that by avoiding it so vehemently I had allowed it to define me. I had to realize I deserved a whole lot better than that. By taking the pain of reopening old wounds, my inner-self eventually became strong enough to stand on its own without the facade.

 

[Mole]

I was merely pointing out that it had nothing to do with the topic... which falls under a certain definition, I beleive

Actually, you didn't like what I said and rather than just saying so, you hit out at me in an indirect way.

 

[miss fortune]

Same here. I was invulnerable on the outside so the inner-self didn't have a chance to develop that same resilience. When I was emotionally vulnerable I was unprepared and the blow was very painful. Then I never wanted to feel that pain again and I became dependent on my invulnerability.

The root feeling of violation is so deplorable and disgusting that I didn't realize that by avoiding it so vehemently I had allowed it to define me. I had to realize I deserved a whole lot better than that. By taking the pain of reopening old wounds, my inner-self eventually became strong enough to stand on its own without the facade.

yeah, here it's just unsettling because I know that it's something that I can try to control, but I'll never have complete control over... that just gives an unpleasant sense of uncertain vulnerability... like I can't be sure that I can fully develop a strength against it...

The surprisingness of something striking you where you're NOT prepared against it is just kind of shaking... and I'm still not fully sure how you deal with that

 

[foolish heart]

yeah, here it's just unsettling because I know that it's something that I can try to control, but I'll never have complete control over... that just gives an unpleasant sense of uncertain vulnerability... like I can't be sure that I can fully develop a strength against it...

The surprisingness of something striking you where you're NOT prepared against it is just kind of shaking... and I'm still not fully sure how you deal with that

Failing is the one thing that highly capable people who rarely fail can't deal with. That unpleasant sense is what you get when the illusion of complete control dissolves, once that front is gone the inner-self is left vulnerable.

That feeling of being unsure of whether you'll develop inner-strength demonstrates how little is already there. Of course, this is the blind leading the blind but I believe that state of being vulnerable is what allows us to adapt... not another trick of the facade, but the evolution of our weakest point.

By definition, staying out of each of our comfort zones is a sometimes painful struggle, especially those of us who are used to having a gigantic one. Not sure where I heard this, but "if you know what will happen next, you aren't living". All living things grow, so we should embrace the feeling so the inner-self can grow stronger.

 

[highlander]

I'm not sure if this is related to what you're experiencing but thought it might be worth sharing this.

About the Shadow - Seeing Your Shadow Side, Reclaiming the Repressed Selves Within Shadow Works

 

[SillySapienne]

I don't think I have much of a facade, to a flaw, as in... it's hard for me to put on a face, or a show when it disagrees with how I truly feel.

My inner self is my self.

 

[uumlau]

This is an issue that I've had some serious problems with over the years- I've always had an image as a light hearted, fun and positive person who will help you out if you're in trouble. It came naturally when I was younger (before I hit 23 or so) but then I hit a rough patch... and kept on acting the same

I KNOW that I have some serious issues that probably need to be made public and that my compulsion to just hide that and keep things running smoothly don't help things, but I just can't break myself from keeping up the facade.

I know that there will be responses of "it's better off just to be honest with people" but that won't work all so well really- I don't WANT anyone's pity and I don't want to be looked at as different, which are bound to be the results of absolute honesty. There's few things worse than pity, which is why, for the most part, I've been silent about these things to the board as well. And despite all of that, I still feel a need to be friendly and pleasant... it's like it's an ingrained part of my personality just as much as the bad part

I feel really hesitant about posting this even... thankfully I'm posting in the same forum as a more popular thread

First things first.




You are normal. Trust me on this.

MBTI-theory-wise, I think that the "facade" seems to often be an Fe problem, especially tertiary Fe. Fi tends to "be itself" and then damn the consequences. That doesn't help much though ... because it's just MBTI theory, not real knowledge of a real person. I mention it in case it might help with your self-knowledge.

Your facade is part of you. It is not lie, except insofar as it is a lie of omission. The way I think of it, think of a jewel, diamond or whatever, with many facets. The jewel is you, the entire you nothing omitted.

In the real world, though, you can only show one facet at a time. It's a rule. The real world is only 3-dimensional, and personality-wise, it is often perceived only 1-dimensionally, especially with respect to strangers and acquaintances.

It's perfectly OK to show just one facet of you. There is nothing wrong with it at all. It is not unhealthy behavior. Everyone has to do it. Even the Fi people, in spite of my comment above.

The unhealthy part is pretending that facet of yourself is the whole of yourself.

That is how you were running away from your problems.

Continue being friendly and pleasant. Sure you have problems. Being friendly and pleasant is not the cause, and becoming unfriendly and unpleasant won't solve them.

Rather, be cognizant of the fact that "the real YOU" is much more than the facet you show to the world. It is much more than the facet you show to your friends. It is much more than the facet you show to the forum.

It is much more than the facet with the flaw that is the cause of your problems.

Realize that it is "all you," and work from there. The "real you" is more than capable of handling any single facet. The real you is a gem of exquisite beauty. The flaws only serve to prove that you are a real gem, far more valuable than any perfectly manufactured synthetic.

 

[Halla74]

I don't think I have much of a facade, to a flaw, as in... it's hard for me to put on a face, or a show when it disagrees with how I truly feel.

My inner self is my self.

Busted.

Me too!

Whether I love, hate, am interested in or bored to tears with someone, it is all going to hang out.

This is a fatal flaw for some types of people, luckily I am not one of them.

 

[yenom]

I think you have a salesman personality. Being cheerful and always outlook at the positive side of life no matter how black you are inside. I think you should be proud to have that kind of personality, because not everyone can do that.

 

[miss fortune]

LNL- I think it's almost like the external projected facet of the personality is our clothes- to even admit something like I did here makes me feel like I took my clothes off outside in the winter It's not like I mind taking clothes off, just outside in the winter isn't the ideal setting

Highlander- I'd started a thread on that back when I first joined and didn't get a good response... it might explain why I always tend to hang out with INFJs here though I can see some of that... and the interesting fact that I developed Fe during that period (and lived as an introvert for a year!) as well

SS and Halla- I used to be "what you see is what you get"- I can't be honest with everyone about this though- some people are undereducated and will pass stupid judgements that could affect me more than I'd like... I'm afraid of that happening on the board for goodness sake

uumlau- you're right- I think what has me so upset now was that I'd almost succeeded in pushing that phase out of my mind and beleiving that it had never even existed, that my public front is all of me. I really wanted to forget... but I suppose you can't ever completely forget a part of yourself

cloud- I'm apparently a high self monitorer... though done as a defense mechanism as opposed of to put one over on others