Eye contact

[Windigo]

Wierd thing is after reading this thread it occurred to me to try out eye contact, which it hadn't really before.

When you're conscious of doing it and know how long to do it for, and initiate/end it at your own will, it's quite fun.

Yes! Welcome to the grand experiment!

 

[proximo]

As a child and still to this day, to a smaller extent, I've always found eye contact uncomfortable. I've felt angry at the common received wisdom that people avoiding eye contact is always to do with dishonesty or deceit of some kind.

I went through a period of my life when I was undergoing long-term, extensive psychiatric observation and counselling - not because there was anything wrong with me, but because I was going through experiences beyond my control that were potentially highly traumatising, so it was a sort of damage limitation thing.

We spoke about my avoidance of eye contact and the shrinks all reassured me that it's bullshit that "everyone" prefers or needs to make it when speaking with others, and it's bullshit that not liking it automatically means a person is in some way being dishonest. It can be about "hiding" something, but not anything that you don't have every right as a human entitled to privacy, to hide if you want. Nothing that the shrinks would class as "deceit".

My father was a high functioning autistic and my daughter has Aspies, they said maybe the autism stick passed over me but I still "saw" it and it left an impression - that's the way they put it. Autistic people very often don't like eye contact.

For me, the best I've been able to figure out as to why, is that it makes me feel "invaded". When people insist that I look into their eyes, I feel literally like I'm being mentally and emotionally raped. I feel highly pressured and panicky, and it makes me lose my thread of thought, and puts me totally on edge. Then, whatever I respond to what they're saying is the least likely to be authentically "me" or anything like what I actually want or mean to express - it'll be whatever I feel that person wants me to say, or expects me to say, or whatever will end this situation quickest and get me away from them. And I'll often be wrong about that.

Also, I'm often very out of touch with my own feelings and subconscious, so I panic that the person might "see" something in my eyes that I'm not even aware of myself, and attribute everything I say or whatever, to that. or give it more significance than it really has, so that the true reasons that I know I'm saying what I'm saying, will become lost in that. I try not to make my choices and decisions based on emotions, so if a person wants to look into my eyes as a guide to "seeing" the "true" motives etc behind what I'm saying or proposing to them, they'll be led up the garden path to bark up the wrong tree.

I don't feel like I need to see a person's eyes in order to "read" them as much as is necessary for conversations about most things. Their general body language and voice patterns and choice of words is enough for me. I wish other people would give me the same privacy. I've had to learn to deal with it in everyday life, and cope with it, and to seem to not mind it, but I don't like it, I don't like that I have to. In a way it's ironic that I resort to a form of deceit to cover up the fact that I have an aversion that gives the impression of deceitfulness when I'm actually being honest.

 

[You]

This whole thread is so funny to me.

 

[ReflecTcelfeR]

Eye contact is reserved for special instances. I don't make eye contact with everyone, but when I do it's usually because I want them to see something that I can't speak.

 

[InsatiableCuriosity]

I prefer to make eye contact when I am talking to people - it generally gives me an idea of whether they are genuine or not. That being said, indigenous Australians have a cultural thing about eye contact particularly with the opposite sex, and I have a friend I ***know*** is not telling all when he looks at a point over my head instead of making eye contact.

I also had an instance where I made eye contact with a past manager during a one on one meeting and it felt like I was falling into his eyes - it was so surreal!!

 

[mmhmm]

i make eye contact when i speak.
or when i'm listening to someone.

it's more of a manners thing for me.
i feel like it's rude to not look at someone
when you're in a conversation.

 

[Unkindloving]

I make eye contact very frequently. It's my way of being direct and finding a connect in the interaction. There is a happy medium, because it can be rude to make no eye contact at all or stare someone down so hard they feel your gaze in their soul .

The only times where i won't make eye contact are if i'm avoiding a topic, preoccupied, embarrassed, or around a couple. Making a lot of direct eye contact with someone's significant other can feel a bit wrong if you don't have a handle on them and their relationship.

Do i expect eye contact? Not necessarily. It's a definite bonus and allows me to feel i'm tuned into, but it's not a requirement. I can tell if someone is listening or not, regardless of eye contact.

 

[angell_m]

I can't make eye contact. At least not for very long.
It made my parents think I lied, even though I didn't.
And it made them think I was guilty, even though I wasn't.
I'm not exactly Stevie Wonder, but, I gotta look past & at the side of people.
It goes away when I'm drunk, like so many other things I suppose.

 

[CuriousFeeling]

I make eye contact whenever someone is speaking to me, but whenever I'm talking, I'm looking elsewhere, usually in the general direction of the person, but not right at them. It's more because I'm searching for the words to say to get my point across. At the end of a phrase, or sentence, I return eye contact with the other person.

Now if someone is scolding me, or accusing me, or in a confrontation, I tend not to give eye contact. It really makes me feel uncomfortable, like I'm leaving myself easy meat for them, if you know what I mean.

 

[Labyrinth]

Do i expect eye contact? Not necessarily. It's a definite bonus and allows me to feel i'm tuned into, but it's not a requirement. I can tell if someone is listening or not, regardless of eye contact.

I agree with the above...

I don't have a problem with making eye contact but I also look at over all body language, if I think a person is uncomfortable with eye contact, I try to follow their lead on how often I look at them... then again I would just up front and ask about what I observe just to get it right, most people I have encountered appreciate it instead of me jumping to conclusions about them based on my perception of the situation...

 

[Tradewind]

I have never been uncomfortable with eye contact. It was just the way I was taught. My mother and my teachers would always say you should look at someone when they're talking.

But, I sometimes have a tendency to stare if I find someone interesting. So I try to time how long I look at someone when in a conversation and I look them in the eye every once in awhile to make sure they're still engaged.

About the whole guy/girl thing. I find that guys are more squeamish. I can look at a girl's eyes for longer without her getting uncomfortable. With guy's it seems more aggressive. I think when I make eye contact with a guy it says something like this, "Know your place or I'll put you in it. Don't mess with me and I won't mess with you."

 

[Such Irony]

I wish I didn't have to worry about eye contact. It just complicates social interactions, and makes me feel more awkward.

Throughout my life, my parents, teachers, and peers have noted that I don't always make eye contact when I should and when I do, I tend to overdo it.

Its harder for me to look someone in the eye and really concentrate on the conversation. I know I have a tendency to look away when I'm thinking about what to say.

Maybe part of why eye contact feels awkward is because I mistakenly equate it to staring. I don't like people looking too closely at me, its like they're critically evaluating me, expecting something from me I'm not sure I can provide. So I'm careful not to do that too others but probably err too much in the other direction and not give enough eye contact.

Sometimes eye contact is overwhelming. I'm quite sensitive to peoples' facial expressions, and if the vibe they're giving off in their eyes looks threatening in any way, I'm less inclined to want to make eye contact with them.

 

[strychnine]

Its harder for me to look someone in the eye and really concentrate on the conversation. I know I have a tendency to look away when I'm thinking about what to say.

Same. I can't hold eye contact and think at the same time.