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Problem with assertiveness

Malcontent

New member
Joined
May 18, 2009
Messages
258
MBTI Type
abcd
Hi,
I have a problem with assertiveness.
I have usually a lot of anger inside, and I am aware of it.
But in 80% I suppress it for not being ill-mannered or have issues with others, but that's leads me sometimes to some anxiety/depression and somatization disorders.
But I have a 20% that I have great outburst with verbally aggression, usually when strongly provoked/invaded in my personal/family matters or when I feel exploited/disrespected by others.

So, anyone has problems with assertiveness?
How could I learn to be more assertive and stop switching continuously from passivity and aggressiveness?

Thanks.
 

yenom

Alexander the Terrible
Joined
Aug 3, 2008
Messages
1,755
I can understand.

Sometimes I keep so much thoughts and emotions bottled up inside me that they make no sense at all. It is especially common for introverts. Then one day, things you suppress inside you will erupt like a volcano.
I used to have this problem. I still have it now but its getting better.

Find a psychologist to talk to is one method to resolve it.
A second method is find ways to release your anger, like buy a punching bag, or play a contact sport like Karate.
Find someone to talk to, don't keep everything to yourself.
Develop the courage to talk, overcome your fear of talking and self-expression.
Release your anger, don't be afraid of it, speak it out. The more you fear it, the more you suppress it.
Write a journal, and write down things you are afraid to express and keep inside. Find the opportunity to express it.
 

Asterion

Ruler of the Stars
Joined
May 6, 2009
Messages
2,331
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
There has to be something that triggers your anger. It's likely that you're focusing on a thought/feeling to much. Work out the trigger. Then you just need to let go, acknowledge that you feel that way, and then do something about it. I've done this on the rare occasion, and it's almost paralysing. I don't tend to explode or anything, it just feels really bad to the point that I become a mute.
 

disregard

mrs
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
7,826
MBTI Type
INFP
You just have to do it, and it will become less uncomfortable and eventually habitual.

Here is a creative activity for you:

Next time your aggression is triggered, type out your aggressive thoughts, look over it, and delete everything but the main point.

The main point will usually be something that happened that failed to meet your expectations.

And ask for it. Bare bones.
 

Malcontent

New member
Joined
May 18, 2009
Messages
258
MBTI Type
abcd
Thank you very much for suggestions! I will try to work through...
Maybe if I overcome my fears and start being more assertive with people, if the firsts times it can be unconfortable, then with "practice" I could really feel better. I hope!
 
Joined
Apr 23, 2009
Messages
1,992
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
8w9
Just keep at it. It's a real good thing that you are aware of the problem. Now you can work on it. Recognize whenever you feel a need to assert yourself and don't question your gut, just assert yourself. It will probably feel uncomfortable at first. But with time, this will become easier and more of a reflex to things that affect you in a negative way. It takes practice to work in a new habit, but when it's done it's there.

disregard gave an excellent tip. Focus on, what I call "the sick point", and demand something better. You don't have to be rude about it, but stand your ground and make your point. This will reduce a lot of the frustration that comes from being "silented". Especially by yourself.
 

Shimmy

New member
Joined
Jun 9, 2009
Messages
1,867
MBTI Type
SEXY
For me, the 'aggressiveness' stopped when I learned to become more assertive at times when I felt passive. More and more I find, when something bothers me that I speak my mind immediately because if something is just a small issue it can be resolved easily and it won't escalate.
 
Joined
Apr 23, 2009
Messages
1,992
MBTI Type
ENTJ
Enneagram
8w9
For me, the 'aggressiveness' stopped when I learned to become more assertive at times when I felt passive. More and more I find, when something bothers me that I speak my mind immediately because if something is just a small issue it can be resolved easily and it won't escalate.

Exactly. Speak up, everytime you feel you have been wronged or treated unfairly. At least in the beginning to build in the habit and get rid of the initial fear (which really only comes from not being used to do it). Once that barrier is broken, you can start to pick your battles without letting anger build up inside you and eventually exploding in your face.
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,491
Shimmy and SnP have good advice, and being a relatively passive person myself, I can understand your issue.

If the above advice doesn't help, you can do what I did and start dating an ExTJ.
 

Ulaes

loopy
Joined
Jan 11, 2009
Messages
850
MBTI Type
crak
Enneagram
sax
i suspect assertiveness is something you can obtain by practise and by becoming consciously aware of it.
really, it's the best way to deal with people.
 

Timeless

Playnerd
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
896
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7
The way I see it:

Assertiveness is like laying down a road, while aggression is just a crazy driver on the road.
 

Lark

Active member
Joined
Jun 21, 2009
Messages
29,569
I'm unsure that assertiveness isnt just one of those things people use to berate one another, people can be assertive in different ways and suggestions that people arent assertive are often "why arent you like me?" or "why cant you do things like me?" in disguise. Similarly it can mean "why cant you do things for me?" when it is a person in responsibility and authority pass the buck for managing people or a situation off to someone else.

I've reached those conclusions because when I ask people to define assertiveness they seldom can, I've been told a couple of times that I'm not assertive or need to be more assertive and as a result have given the concept a long hard look, generally its about asking for what you want without aggression. Well doesnt everyone do that? I cant imagine that anyone other than the most timerous would really relent, relent, relent until they can take it no more and explode in a fit of aggressiveness.
 
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