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What do you consider private and public?

proteanmix

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I don't want to derail the http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/other-psychology-topics/26862-why-do-we-need-privacy.html thread, but I'm wondering what do people consider private and secret information? Here are some categories but feel free to add more:

Messy personal relationships?
Quality of significant relationships?
Illnesses (psychological and physical)
Your sex life?
Your financial/socioeconomic status?
Your religious beliefs?
Your political beliefs?
Substance (ab)use?

When having casual and informal conversation, I would like to have specific and concrete examples of what people would consider general information that they'd have no problem talking with others about, what they would consider private, and what your dividing line is between what is public and private. I'm defining casual as being in the company of people you've chosen to (not forced to) be around even if you don't know them very well. For example, would you casually mention how many sex partners you've had, if you've attempted suicide, that you've had an abortion, that you have an STD, how much money you make, your political/religious beliefs, or what your favorite movie is?

I think a lot of interpersonal communication misfires occur when someone gets too personal too fast, or when someone perceives the other person isn't opening up to them as quickly as they think they should. Basic boundary violations or when there's a feeling an unnecessary boundary is there. I've had people in (unsolicited) explicit detail give me the rundown of what they do sexually with their SO; positions, sounds, noises, smells, liquids and whatnot, but if I ask who they vote for they get indignant, sputtering, and offended so I'm curious what the general sentiment is.

Also, is time a factor in casually revealing what you consider private information to people, i.e. you still don't know them very well but you've been around them several times?
 

Charmed Justice

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Most of my casual conversations these days are with other mothers at playdates. How self-disclosing I am really depends on how open the other person is with me, the chemistry between us, and the general flow of the conversation.

I will freely discuss certain issues that have come up along my parenting journey, but I don't typically discuss my parenting style unless someone ask me or they happen to bring up a particular practice, such as spanking or timing out, and ask me how I handle it. I had a lot of great conversations about breast back when I was nursing. I will freely share my experiences with pregnancy, birth, and parenting.

I'll talk about where I live and where I used to live. I can easily talk about my college experiences and most things concerning my childhood. I'll talk about my likes and dislikes as far as popular entertainment goes, and I'll discuss activities that I enjoy.

Deaths in my family and career stresses have come up, but it's not typical for me to get deeply into the emotional aspect of how I've dealt with those things.

In casual context, I rarely discuss:
My emotions
marriage & sex life
finances
religion
political standings
 

Lux

Kraken down on piracy
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When having casual and informal conversation, I would like to have specific and concrete examples of what people would consider general information that they'd have no problem talking with others about, what they would consider private, and what your dividing line is between what is public and private. I'm defining casual as being in the company of people you've chosen to (not forced to) be around even if you don't know them very well. For example, would you casually mention how many sex partners you've had, if you've attempted suicide, that you've had an abortion, that you have an STD, how much money you make, your political/religious beliefs, or what your favorite movie is?

:horor: I would consider all of the those examples as way too much information for just a casual conversation or a casual acquaintance .

My dividing line between public and private is solely based on a connection with the other person. Or my intuition. It could be a quick connection or not. It is typically something I have tested or dipped my toe into the water a few times, to ensure that if I'm telling people things about myself I can trust them. I fall into the overly cautious camp, when it comes to people. Even if I have an initial spark with someone, I wait and see how it plays out.

I think a lot of interpersonal communication misfires occur when someone gets too personal too fast, or when someone perceives the other person isn't opening up to them as quickly as they think they should. Basic boundary violations or when there's a feeling an unnecessary boundary is there. I've had people in (unsolicited) explicit detail give me the rundown of what they do sexually with their SO; positions, sounds, noises, smells, liquids and whatnot, but if I ask who they vote for they get indignant, sputtering, and offended so I'm curious what the general sentiment is.

Yes, I agree with this. I have had my walls up and I've probably turned off a few friendships. However, if they were going to be the kinds of friendships that I would want anyway, they would have been more patient with me in the first place. They would have respected that need of mine.

Also, is time a factor in casually revealing what you consider private information to people, i.e. you still don't know them very well but you've been around them several times?

With me it's not necessarily time. It's that connection. I go through a testing phase but it can be a very quick or a very long dance with someone. With some people there is such a pull that you fall into a more serious relationship faster than would be possible for someone you've known for years. With me it's all based on my intuition as to how fast it goes.

Messy personal relationships?
Quality of significant relationships?
Illnesses (psychological and physical)
Your sex life?
Your financial/socioeconomic status?
Your religious beliefs?
Your political beliefs?
Substance (ab)use?

With all of these, as with everything it seems, I only share when I feel comfort and trust, with and for the other person. Some of that I wouldn't share with anyone at all. I wouldn't tell just a random acquaintance any of that.

That being said, lots of people are comfortable with telling others things like that. Relationships are based on information sharing leading to a connection. Or an immediate connection that leads to information sharing. So the more open you can be with someone, the deeper the potential of the relationship.
 
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Phantonym

Guest
I can be really open and honest about any kind of information even during casual conversations but I need to reach a certain level of connection with the person I'm having a conversation with. It's all about establishing trust and feeling comfortable with sharing. With some people you just click, it can happen very quickly, with others it will never happen even if you spend a lot of time together. So, it differs greatly with different people. Sometimes it feels that with some people there are absolutely no taboo topics while with others it seems that everything can be considered as taboo.
 

Charmed Justice

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I'll add that time doesn't make much of a difference for me. I don't discuss many of the above topics with some of my closest friends either. Typically, I prefer to not hear the dirty details of people's lives as well. I had a roommate that had the need to tell me about her poop all the time, and two of my best friends tell me every detail of their sex lives. I'll be the listening ear when they're talking, but I rarely say anything or add my own detail.
 

proteanmix

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OK, for those of you saying it depends on the connection, can you please explain to me the nature of the connection? What would make you more likely to quickly self-disclose personal information?
 

The Outsider

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I prefer not to speak about myself at all, as I am very private. I am more willing to discuss more universal matters, like political views and religion. While my emotional side and psychology are the most hidden topics.

As for other people, I give them the freedom to do as they please. Share everything or share nothing, it doesn't matter.
 

kyuuei

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Depends on the audience.

Messy personal relationships? - This one I probably reveal to people that would not be within any direct contact of that person within 10 years. (As in, I wouldn't so much tell my friends that are mutual friends with this person.. but then I'd talk to my army friends about it or something.)
Quality of significant relationships? - My sister maybe, and my best friend.
Illnesses (psychological and physical) - Closer friends, not family.
Your sex life? - Hah. I'm pretty open with this topic. There are a few things that my old habit of being unnecessarily shy gets in the way of, but to me this isn't such a personal topic to talk about in terms of what has already happened. What is currently happening, however, I may be inclined to keep shut.
Your financial/socioeconomic status? - This is another thing that I find very easy to open up about in terms of what's happened, but not what's happening. I didn't tell anyone when I was too poor to eat, for example, and being hard-headed. But I don't mind mentioning it now.
Your religious beliefs? - Very open, as long as I know the audience is not the sort to judge me for it. If I get that vibe, I usually clam up on it, or allow them most of the talking.
Your political beliefs? - This one I never really get into. If someone asks, I'll answer, but not much more. I've never had a political conversation end pleasently.
Substance (ab)use? - This is one of those things that I think many people are open about, but I wouldn't be at all. If I were to ever be driven to abuse any substance.. I'd probably keep it extremely quiet.

"OK, for those of you saying it depends on the connection, can you please explain to me the nature of the connection? What would make you more likely to quickly self-disclose personal information? "

It's really about evaluating how me, and who I am, will get back to me. Some people love me for who I am, and accept me for that, and when I sense that from people I'm very open about myself. When I feel like the information could be turned against me, or potentially go foul in a situation (taking for example telling mutual friends about a bad relationship.. It puts a new light on that other person, and thus potential drama could commense) I usually shut up about it. Luckily for me, I have a variety of audiences, so I can choose my stage as far as letting things out.
 
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Phantonym

Guest
OK, for those of you saying it depends on the connection, can you please explain to me the nature of the connection? What would make you more likely to quickly self-disclose personal information?

It's quite difficult to explain. I can feel it. I guess if I feel that the person is trustworthy and if they, in fact, share personal information about themselves and thus show that they trust me, then that certainly helps along with establishing the trust and the needed connection. But sometimes if people do share things, there still remains some kind of a wall because there's something keeping me from disclosing personal things myself. With some people there's a barrier that can never be crossed, it's subconscious. I just don't feel comfortable sharing even if they are really nice people in general.
 

Ivy

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Like I just posted on that other thread you linked, I don't really mind telling anyone anything, for the most part. My rubric for deciding when/how much to share is almost entirely dependent on how much I think the listener wants to know.
 

The Outsider

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OK, for those of you saying it depends on the connection, can you please explain to me the nature of the connection? What would make you more likely to quickly self-disclose personal information?

Knowing that they're past judging me and take me for who I am.

My main fear is that I'll break a good working friendship if I disclose something that they may not appreciate, etc.

It's not like I have dark secrets, but.. yeah. It's just a stupid fear.
 

Usehername

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Like I just posted on that other thread you linked, I don't really mind telling anyone anything, for the most part. My rubric for deciding when/how much to share is almost entirely dependent on how much I think the listener wants to know.

+1.

I err on the side of withholding information that involves others, but if it's just my personal information, I have such an unscintillating life-history that I really don't feel the need to weed out information that revolves solely around me. I don't think that will change, either, as I gain more life experience (and with that, more chips and flaws in my armor). Unless I get that spidey-sense of the listener being someone not at peace with themselves--the kind of person who might poorly wield information about others out of a defense to keep the heat off of themselves--I'm open if the person wants to hear it.

I also feel honoured to share my personal flaws, missteps and struggles if I feel that doing so might help another person put themselves in perspective when they're struggling to succeed at or overcome something. As a teen it took me quite a while to realize that the people I saw succeeding in one arena were often struggling quietly in another arena that I was not privy to, so I think it's kind to be human around other humans.

I think there's pros and cons to everything--I like the pro/con fallout for this situation best: I can be lazy about negotiating the censoring of my thoughts, which affords me the cognitive bandwidth to explore and possibly find things that expand my worldview or understanding of self or others. The cons are clear: if you give some people negative fodder, they will put it to use. But, meh, I don't really see that as a major loss: oohh, Usehername is human and I can show this by this evidence she told me! Incidentally, this often brings about connections with very worthwhile individuals--I think this con usually turns into a pro, if one has the patience and energy to weather the small storm before it.

IMO, it's the least effortful way of negotiating social circles with the greatest potential for payoff.
 

Ivy

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+1.

I err on the side of withholding information that involves others, but if it's just my personal information, I have such an unscintillating life-history that I really don't feel the need to weed out information that revolves solely around me.

I also feel honoured to share my personal flaws, missteps and struggles if I feel that doing so might help another person put themselves in perspective when they're struggling to succeed at or overcome something. As a teen it took me quite a while to realize that the people I saw succeeding in one arena were often struggling quietly in another arena that I was not privy to, so I think it's kind to be human around other humans.

Exactly, every word. I've tried to be real like that with my children, too, because it can be a harsh realization when you're a teen/young adult to realize that your parents really don't know everything about everything, and they have their own human problems like everyone else.
 

prplchknz

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I'm open to discussing most things, I don't really have much of a filter these days. Except if it would get someone in trouble.
 

Lauren Ashley

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Messy personal relationships?
Quality of significant relationships?
Illnesses (psychological and physical)
Your sex life?
Your financial/socioeconomic status?
Your religious beliefs?
Your political beliefs?
Substance (ab)use?

The above = private. I think my criterion for what is private/personal is anything that has an emotional impact on me and all of the above would fall under that. Also, my emotional life, innermost thoughts, personal reactions to events, would fall under "private." Under very rare circumstances will I discuss those openly. I'm open to discussing issues that I am furthered removed from, such as news, current events, others' lives, movies, TV, etc. I don't actually do a whole lot of talking, except to those I am comfortable with discussing the above topics with.

Also, is time a factor in casually revealing what you consider private information to people, i.e. you still don't know them very well but you've been around them several times?

Not so much time, but the significance of the relationship. Time can increase the importance of the relationship, but not always. Some I have known for years I still do not and will not share private information, and sometimes a person I've known for only a few months I find myself sharing my personal life with.
 

ygolo

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Like many people have said, what I reveal depends on who the "public" is.

I keep certain things from the people at work, because it is none of their business if it my personal life.

I keep things from people online, mainly for safety reasons.

I keep things from family, mainly because they may worry too much or freak out.

I keep things from friends, but it depends on the friend. I am generally the most open with friends.

What is private to me is simply what I don't disclose, as what is public is what I do disclose.

What I disclose depends on who I am disclosing it too, how long I have known them, and in what contexts I know them.

I choose not to disclose explicit examples of what is private in this thread...except for one thing. There is a lot in my blog here that people IRL don't know about. Mainly because they may worry too much or freak out.
 

disregard

mrs
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When and with whom I choose to disclose things is mostly intuitive. It's giving me a headache just thinking about listing it all, but something I definitely keep private are the problems my partner and I face together in our relationship. That's no one's business.
 

Fidelia

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I'm probably with Usehername for most of that as well. I guess I don't have a lot of deep dark secrets, and I also don't think most people have reason to be privy to my sex life or finances (although it's not like it's a big secret - more just something I'd reserve for closer connections). However, depending on the person, I would pretty openly share most other things, factoring in their comfort level, how well I like them, relevance, whether it would be useful to them to know, who else involved with me that they know (if it has an impact on them) and if it aids in connecting with them.
 

proximo

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Messy personal relationships?
Quality of significant relationships?
Illnesses (psychological and physical)
Your sex life?
Your financial/socioeconomic status?
Your religious beliefs?
Your political beliefs?
Substance (ab)use?

All of the above, for me, are both private and public, in the sense that I'll disclose it to people who ask with genuine reasons, but I don't tend to volunteer it. Purely bedause I figure they're the kinds of things that some people just don't want to know, so I don't want to be a bore and I don't want the conversation to be all about me.

With some people, when they learn that you have certain issues in your own life, decide that to confide any of their troubles in you or ask for your help would be "adding to your burden". For that reason, I don't volunteer that information. I don't want people to feel like they have to hesitate to approach me for help or support.
 

Unkindloving

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Everything is fair game in my life, but there are some things i prefer being prompted to talk about. I don't like to go too in depth all of the time because, although i may have no issue with it, other people might not want to know things.
I feel that people are usually private for their own benefit. I get no benefit from being a private person.

The only thing that i keep in check are my emotions (most times subconsciously). I'll be able to discuss anything that is stirring up my emotions, but i can detach from reactions at the time of discussion.
 
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