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What do you consider private and public?

sculpting

New member
Joined
Jan 28, 2009
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4,148
I totally fail the Fe test!!

I have no Fe, thus no sense of shame and will talk quite openly about things others will not-if someone asks or expresses an interest.

I fail the "how was your weekend/" question quite often. "mediocre", " it sucked", "beautiful with waves of happiness" when "great, how was yours" is the correct answer.

I have to very specifically monitor the context of the information. Once I relax, just a bit, I am prone to being massively open.

These ones I will totally discuss if asked:
Your financial/socioeconomic status?
Your religious beliefs?
Your political beliefs?
Substance (ab)use?

These ones if I know them and they inquire:
Your sex life?
Messy personal relationships?
Quality of significant relationships?
Illnesses (psychological and physical)

Hysterically me and the ISTJs all talk about our sex lives together. Also the ISTJs totally dig therapy and will tell you explicitly how many times they have been.

(On a side note, it turns out most people I work with are visiting two local therapists. My company is quite well known in local psychiatric circles. I wasnt always this emo-nutty)

The one thing I will NOT talk about:
How I feel emotionally about something. Hurt feelings/love feelings. Even writing emo/Fi posts here leaves me really anxious and sort of emotionally torn up and overwhelmed.

Dont ask me what I feel.
 

proteanmix

Plumage and Moult
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I hear people saying that they don't know about the other person's comfort level with talking self-disclosure, but I'm still wondering what would prompt you all to think that a person is self-disclosing too much. Do you feel like the other person is talking about themselves too much or putting you in an uncomfortable position with what they're discussing?

If someone discloses something rather personal fairly quickly how do you react? For example, I was talking to a coworker around Thanksgiving about what she was doing. She told me that they usually go to her aunt's house but recently her mother and her aunt had a falling out. She then described to me the circumstances of the fall out and I thought to myself hmmm, I'm surprised she's telling me this.

Now when I've seen people disclose casually it tends to be rather smallish (<5), an intimate atmosphere (like a dinner party with low lighting and ambient music), a little bit of alcohol consumption (although people aren't drunk...mostly wine), and it tends to happen later on in the night after people have eaten and settled a bit. I find all types of things start flying out. I guess my experience is that people do tend to start talking about things that matter to them and content of conversations tend to go more personal. And I have had one person tell me they had an abortion under these exact circumstances among other things that I considered personal. I then found myself saying more personal things as well.

Reactions in these situations are interesting because the mood can be broken rather quickly and feel like a dunk in frigid water. Something as simple as shoulder's stiffening can sour the mood and make people feel silly and self-conscious. I understand what people are saying that it's just a hunch or intangible feeling that you can go there with the person, but you are working from clues that you've honed in on even if you can't identify or articulate them. For me, I've written about throwing little meaningful chunks out and seeing who bits or how receptive and responsive people are to others who have thrown their own chunks out. But it's a fine line because it can just as easily come across as being nosy and intrusive.

I guess I'm talking about atmospheres like this...talking about TV, movies, and music seems unnecessarily stiff like suspended animation. And I'm with Usehername and Ivy on this. It's really difficult to be the one to stick your neck out there and say something that will break the ice because you risk feeling foolish and being the one who said too much.
 

heart

heart on fire
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May 19, 2007
Messages
8,456
In a place like work, my past and present relationship status, my health, my political beliefs, my religious beliefs, all of this are no one's business and I usually don't discuss these things. I've had problems in office type situations where other women felt deeply slighted because I didn't want to talk about these issues.

Time is not a factor, emotional intimacy is.

It doesn't bother me when other people self-disclose. People will tell me everything, even complete strangers in a department store or something like that. I am used to it.
 

proximo

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Nov 4, 2009
Messages
584
I hear people saying that they don't know about the other person's comfort level with talking self-disclosure, but I'm still wondering what would prompt you all to think that a person is self-disclosing too much. Do you feel like the other person is talking about themselves too much or putting you in an uncomfortable position with what they're discussing?

Sometimes, yes... though it's more to do with what they seem to be asking of me. Not help or support or anything like that, because I'm usually happy to give that when I can to anyone.

It's when a person is constantly telling me things, big things about their past or their life, just always talking about things like how difficult their life has been, bad experiences they've been through... if I get an impression that they're trying to either explain in advance any bad behaviour they might show, or gain sympathy or otherwise impress me... they might come across like they're trying too hard or something.

It makes me feel uncomfortable because it feels to me like they're sort of forcing me to be their friend, their confidante. And until I know that person better, I don't know if I want to be in such a position, because I don't know what their expectations are, what else they'll ask of me. And also, there might be an expectation that I self-disclose to them, and I don't know what they'll want me to disclose or how they'll react if I decide I don't want to.
 

kyuuei

Emperor/Dictator
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Honestly, I don't really care what people disclose to me at all, as long as it's not going to affect anything within myself. (For example: If I'm mutual friends with a boyfriend/girlfriend.. I Don't want them coming up to me to talk trash about the other. I don't like it when people talk trash about people I like to me.. ESPECIALLY if they know I like them.)

I still won't stop people from saying what they have to say. Just know freedom of speech isn't the same as freedom of speech without consequence with me.
 

proximo

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Nov 4, 2009
Messages
584
It's happened before, where someone's confided loads of personal stuff in my in only a very short time of knowing me.

It had the effect that this person saw me as a close friend, and became very attached to me because I knew all this stuff about them. The reality was that I saw them as a bit of a "problem", you know - "what am I going to do about X? how can I reduce the amount I see them without without hurting their feelings?"

It was all about how much they wanted me (or anyone really) to understand them, little awareness that that's the kinda thing that has to go two ways. It's something I've often found in lonely people, those who have very few or no other friends and bad/dysfunctional family relationships. They pour their hearts out to the first person who'll listen, and then come the strings.

They expected loyalty and confidence from me, and a lot of contact with me that was just impossible for me to give at that stage even if I had wanted to. And they also expected me to share in return stuff about myself on a similar level to what they'd told me. When it didn't come, they said I'd "betrayed" them, that I'd led them on and let them believe I was their friend when I really didn't care and didn't really trust them.

So... I've had variations on that theme quite a few times now, so I'm very wary of people who over-disclose.
 

Unkindloving

Lungs & Lips Locked
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Dec 10, 2009
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I hear people saying that they don't know about the other person's comfort level with talking self-disclosure, but I'm still wondering what would prompt you all to think that a person is self-disclosing too much. Do you feel like the other person is talking about themselves too much or putting you in an uncomfortable position with what they're discussing?

I would imagine that people who don't disclose certain things will be made uncomfortable when other people disclose such things. I rarely feel anyone is self-disclosing too much and tend to embrace when people do as it's not a very common thing.
A lot of people have this blockade in communication, they feel like it is a game and they have to have all of the wording down before starting in or else they'll lose. You don't. It's not necessary. I've learned that, when i'm hesitating too much, i need to throw every note and over-analyzing thought to the wind and just speak.
There is an easy way to acknowledge how it is to stick your neck out with something and it's by saying "I'm probably going to feel foolish about this, but..." or "I'm not exactly comfortable putting this out there, but...". That makes me respect any words that leave the person's mouth following it that much more.
 

Tallulah

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Feb 19, 2008
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6,009
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The above = private. I think my criterion for what is private/personal is anything that has an emotional impact on me and all of the above would fall under that. Also, my emotional life, innermost thoughts, personal reactions to events, would fall under "private." Under very rare circumstances will I discuss those openly. I'm open to discussing issues that I am furthered removed from, such as news, current events, others' lives, movies, TV, etc. I don't actually do a whole lot of talking, except to those I am comfortable with discussing the above topics with.


All of the above is true for me. I'm a very private person, though I don't have a lot of skeletons or anything. I have just never been one to spill my guts to the world. I don't mind people telling ME stuff. That's their choice. But if they're telling me a bunch of personal stuff thinking that will make me reciprocate, they'll probably be disappointed.

LaurenAshley said:
Not so much time, but the significance of the relationship. Time can increase the importance of the relationship, but not always. Some I have known for years I still do not and will not share private information, and sometimes a person I've known for only a few months I find myself sharing my personal life with.

Yeah, that, too. It's just the chemistry/relationship with that particular person. Sometimes it's a trust issue, sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's just because the right occasion has come up. Sometimes it's because I think sharing my experience will help the other person.
 
G

Glycerine

Guest
Messy personal relationships?
Quality of significant relationships?
Illnesses (psychological and physical)
Your sex life?
Your financial/socioeconomic status?
Your religious beliefs?
Your political beliefs?
Substance (ab)use?

All of the above + family info, my personal accomplishments/failures, and my innermost thoughts. However, if I like you and get a good vibe from you, I will disclose certain aspects to build rapport. I have always hated when teachers force you to write anything personal...invasion of privacy.

If you were to talk to me irl, I would talk mostly about random ideas, serious issues impersonally, and/or stuff related to the realm where we start conversing. I can talk to someone for several hours w/o them getting much personal info about me.
 

sculpting

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Jan 28, 2009
Messages
4,148
Reactions in these situations are interesting because the mood can be broken rather quickly and feel like a dunk in frigid water. Something as simple as shoulder's stiffening can sour the mood and make people feel silly and self-conscious. I understand what people are saying that it's just a hunch or intangible feeling that you can go there with the person, but you are working from clues that you've honed in on even if you can't identify or articulate them. For me, I've written about throwing little meaningful chunks out and seeing who bits or how receptive and responsive people are to others who have thrown their own chunks out. But it's a fine line because it can just as easily come across as being nosy and intrusive.

To drag this topic up to a weird level...

In the last two months I have developed a new trick-seeing Fe masks. You look at the other person and you notice if they are wearing an Fe mask or not. It's in the eyes, the face, the smile. There is a tenseness there.

I realized I have always used that as a screening tool when I select people to interact with. I called it "snobby or prudish or standoffish", but in reality I just knew I would not mesh with them. I didnt know why.

ENFPs are the best Fe mask breakers ever. We can find tert Fe folks, say utterly crazy shit, then break them out of the Fe facade of politeness and make them giggle. Especially the ENTPs. My ENTPs seek this out IRL.

So I will be very open with those who dont wear Fe masks, but I will choose not to interact with those who do and disclose nothing as a result.

Perhapos this sheds some light on the alcohol/party scene described above?
 
G

garbage

Guest
I fail the "how was your weekend/" question quite often. "mediocre", " it sucked", "beautiful with waves of happiness" when "great, how was yours" is the correct answer.

I feel like I'm lying with the answer that I'm "supposed" to give with questions like this, if it actually isn't the truth. But I usually know when someone asks such a question and is genuine about it, or whether they're doing so because it's the polite thing to do. In the latter case, I don't care nearly as much if I have to lie.. I figure that, in both cases, I'm giving the answer that the other person wants me to give.


Like most people, the topics I share are typically dependent upon the 'vibe' that I get with the other person. Just as with the "how was your weekend?" example above, I get a feel for what sort of information can be shared.

A person's role in my life doesn't usually matter. For example, I have some coworkers who I don't 'hang out' with, but I feel comfortable sharing information with them nonetheless; others, much less so. I was thoroughly confused when one coworker asked me questions about my sex life, but I freely shared that information with another without batting an eye.

I don't lie about traits such as my religious or political beliefs, but I won't often make them known if doing so will cause disharmony in a group setting. I'll discuss politics and religion in general terms, though.


When I'm giving speeches or lectures--especially motivational speeches and the like--I usually divulge tons of personal information as it relates to the topics at hand. Some of my public speeches have detailed my struggles with depression, my sense of and search for identity, and my failed relationships.

Also, is time a factor in casually revealing what you consider private information to people, i.e. you still don't know them very well but you've been around them several times?

Not usually. There are certain people with whom I've established mutual trust within a few hours of meeting them (one of which quickly became my best friend), and there are many others who I've known for years and don't know a whole lot about me.


When having casual and informal conversation, I would like to have specific and concrete examples of what people would consider general information that they'd have no problem talking with others about, what they would consider private, and what your dividing line is between what is public and private. I'm defining casual as being in the company of people you've chosen to (not forced to) be around even if you don't know them very well. For example, would you casually mention how many sex partners you've had, if you've attempted suicide, that you've had an abortion, that you have an STD, how much money you make, your political/religious beliefs, or what your favorite movie is?

Now, to hopefully answer the question that you're actually asking.. :doh:

In casual conversation where there are people who don't give me that trustworthy vibe, I don't usually share anything that would be divisive, and I often find that getting too personal doesn't add to the conversation. Many such conversations are meant to be surface-level, so, well, I'm more surface-level in disclosing my information, too. However, if any person in the group happens to bring up an issue that they're having in some area--such as relationships--I'll typically disclose whatever information I think would help them out.

In a one-on-one setting or a very close group setting with people who give me that particular vibe, my casual conversation tends to take more personal overtones. Everything you've listed is on the table for conversation, and there's little that I won't discuss. In fact, I can't think of many examples of things I won't discuss in such a setting. Maybe fetishes and bodily functions.. ? I'm also very sensitive when it comes to disclosing others' information.
 

proteanmix

Plumage and Moult
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To drag this topic up to a weird level...

In the last two months I have developed a new trick-seeing Fe masks. You look at the other person and you notice if they are wearing an Fe mask or not. It's in the eyes, the face, the smile. There is a tenseness there.

I realized I have always used that as a screening tool when I select people to interact with. I called it "snobby or prudish or standoffish", but in reality I just knew I would not mesh with them. I didnt know why.

ENFPs are the best Fe mask breakers ever. We can find tert Fe folks, say utterly crazy shit, then break them out of the Fe facade of politeness and make them giggle. Especially the ENTPs. My ENTPs seek this out IRL.

So I will be very open with those who dont wear Fe masks, but I will choose not to interact with those who do and disclose nothing as a result.

Perhapos this sheds some light on the alcohol/party scene described above?

A challenge! If I'm using Fe as a barrier and boundary I doubt you'd break it. I have scripts and programs ready for such things. ;) I tend to think of Fi as pound cake and Fe as sponge cake, with the difference in texture and density being the tipping point. They both are intended to make confectionery delights and have similar ratios, but output is different. Sometimes you want a good hearty and rich cake, sometimes you want something light and porous. I also have an obsession with referring to Fi and Fe as cakes.

The woman who I'm referring to in the Turkey day story is an ENFP, early 40s. We also went to happy hour earlier this month and she told me the day she lost her virginity (MLK day because she was out of school), how many sex partners she's had, the last time she had sex, her period tracker on her iPhone to track her ovulation schedule, and that she's currently looking for sperm donors because she desperately wants children. She told me a lot and I listened and asked questions. I truly enjoyed the conversation we had and I find her mostly refreshing but I also felt the press from her to tell me more about myself. This took place when we were by ourselves at a corner of the bar, with dim lights. I think that she tested my receptiveness with the Turkey day story and I was receptive so it continued on at the happy hour. The only reason why I hesitate with her is because we work at the same organization and she lets information slip casually, but then so do I so I'm being little hypocritical. :laugh:

At this specific dinner party I'm referring to a person I'd only met once before told two of us they were the product of an adulterous affair and how it's affected their whole life. It was pretty deep I think we talked about real stuff. They said their half-siblings had contacted them and wanted to met and they didn't know what to do. I didn't get the feeling this person was fishing for sympathy and any ol shoulder to cry how. They seemed to truly be on the horns of a dilemma.

This is what I'm talking about, situations like this where you get really intimate with people you don't know well but are likely to see again. All of this of course presupposes that you do feel comfortable enough. It's like highly concentrated, but brief interactions.

As for the Fe mask, yes I have one and yes it is superficial and surface level. The difference is the Fe mask is like four-inch thick plexiglass at a ghetto liquor store. It's clear because I generally consider myself a transparent person, so I'm not hiding anything but you're not going to get to what you see on the other side of the glass. I guess the tenseness you see is that, but also you've got to think why is this person reacting to me like this. What reasons have I given them to tense like this? Do they do this with others or is it just with me?

If I notice someone tenses like that with me, I try to be around them in other situations to see if they're just generally like that or do they relax at any point. I know I'm very much like that with my supervisor, very formal and professional, always knock on her door before I enter, very little idle chitchat, always keep at least a three foot radius between us but that's because I feel like I've been burned by her many times before and my guard is up. I also suppress my reactions around her and try not to register anything on my face but bland pleasantness. She very much enjoys triggering emotional reactions in people, I think it energizes her. I do not like people purposely leaching my emotional energy like that, I find it disgusting. I tend to freely give it so when some tries to steal it from me...it's just highly offensive and repugnant.

I know she notices I'm much less guarded and freer with other people in our department and generally. She is successful in getting emotional reactions from me when she besmirches my character and questions my competency and abilities. LOL, she asked me in November did I want to work there any longer to get a rise out of me, and I said not really but I need a paycheck and she recoiled. That was pretty funny! I need to do that more often. :rofl1: I'm also actively looking for a new job.
 

Morpeko

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Honestly, online, I'm fine with discussing nearly any topic about my life as long as I don't actually doxx myself (name, address, location, contact information outside of the forum, etc.). In person, I am more withdrawn, but will talk about nearly anything if asked. The thing is, I'm not asked very often.

If a topic triggers me, like painful memories/thoughts or whatever, I might sidestep the subject or even simply say something like "I don't feel like going into more detail about this," but there have been times when I felt like opening up about those instances as well.

I'm not the biggest fan of talking about politics. Main reason why is because I don't find it important to discuss, and I get irritated by others talking about this subject. I've had pleasant conversations about political topics in the past and welcome them with certain people, but I avoid others because I find that they are either irrational or overly emotional, and political debates usually have no purpose since it's only in rare instances that someone will be convinced.

I wonder if part of the reason why is because I haven't experienced much in life. No messy personal relationships, no drug use, no sex life. But even if I had these things, I can't imagine feeling shame about talking about them. I've talked about suicide several times, how much money I make, and my (lack of) religious beliefs. I'll talk about physical and mental illness as well. I wouldn't do it regularly (at least not in person), but I have no issue if it comes up in conversation.
 

Abcdenfp

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I dont generally find any topic as private. My emotions surrounding them yes at times but in general I find sharing experiences regardless of the format to be freeing. I just dont associate conversations with private unless it has to do with something someone has told me confidentially. I guess it depends on the amount of privacy that was given to the sharing of information.
 

Mole

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Mar 20, 2008
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Our Republic (Res Publica) is public, while family life is private.

Totalitarian States like North Korea make no distinction between the public and the private. While in democratic societies we have Privacy Laws.

Individuation is an imperative of the West, and can be achieved if we have a pubic sphere and a private sphere.

Narcissism and the New Age religion undermine the public sphere, with the best intentions in the world, narcissism undermines the very means we need to grow as individuals.
 
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