Confidence

[Unkindloving]

I tend to affect my own confidence the worst. If i feel inadequate in some way and another person remarks on the inadequacy i will agree and it will spark more of a lack of confidence. It's rare for me to let others bring down my confidence in things i know i'm skilled at or have self-confidence in.
The only way to ward it off is to adopt a better perspective and take the steps to alter what can be altered.
A group of supportive friends is helpful for this. An understanding of yourself and your needs. Prioritization. Keeping as positive or optimistic as you can, even in the face of negativity.

 

[nolla]

I'm going to throw the first thoughts about the OP and then go through the thread.

How do you get it? Mine is often dependant on the opinions of others. I'm not extremely unconfident without those opinions, but I wish to be able to build some on my own. I'm not really interested in people saying, "who cares what others think?". Since duh, that's the most obvious remark. I'm more interested in some practical things that may have helped you guys in the past.

Well, I used to have no confidence. I didn't actually see that the problem was that, but after I thought about it long and hard I saw it. Then I thought some more and came to a conclusion that I have no proof that other people are any better than I am. Sure everyone has their strengths and weaknesses but overall sum of them, it can't be too much lower than that of others. So, I derived a mantra, I am not worse than the people in general. It was the start... Nowadays I don't really think about that stuff anymore, I have made a habit of being confident since I've seen that the mantra was true.

EDIT: There's a lot of good responses here... I think most of them, while seemingly different, are useful and you should try the ones that seem best for you. I also thought of one thing that might help you in certain situations. Imagine the worst thing that could happen and then think about if it would be so bad in the grand scheme. There isn't really too many situations in which you can screw up everything.

 

[wolfy]

A lot of confidence comes from remembering how you've dealt with things in the past, reference points. Accumulated skill and knowledge also gives you confidence. Also the feeling that no matter how I do I am OK. Maybe those three things are most important, those are what come to mind. It is important to keep the locus of control.

 

[King sns]

A lot of confidence comes from remembering how you've dealt with things in the past, reference points. Accumulated skill and knowledge also gives you confidence. Also the feeling that no matter how I do I am OK. Maybe those three things are most important, those are what come to mind. It is important to keep the locus of control.

I have this annoying Se thing where this doesn't work at all. I've tried to remember my accomplishments. "Remember when I did this, and that, said this, reacted this way?" Yea I remember, but that was then, and this is now,I suck now. Terrible way to look at it, but I spose whatever's going to help me will need to be in the present. (This goes for anything that has to do with my experience or other things i've been through. Those have just made me more humble I guess.)

All of these are helpful in some way. . Thanks, guys!
My roommate and I actually have a joke about one of my friends. She's kind of insecure, you can just tell. And a lot of times she'll go through a rough time and say "I'm strong, I'm strong" all the time through the whole thing. And its rather funny because she doesn't act it. So whenever something bad happens we say,

"I'm strong i'm strong! I'm strong!"
(Just kind of a cute little side note I spose, no looking into it, N's!)

 

[wolfy]

I have this annoying Se thing where this doesn't work at all. I've tried to remember my accomplishments. "Remember when I did this, and that, said this, reacted this way?" Yea I remember, but that was then, and this is now,I suck now. Terrible way to look at it, but I spose whatever's going to help me will need to be in the present. (This goes for anything that has to do with my experience or other things i've been through. Those have just made me more humble I guess.)

Me too. Try keeping notes, photos, stuff you can look at and read. Investing your confidence in your ability to learn helps. Because you have control over it. I think the real core trick is not to invest your confidence in something or somebody but instead in traits you can control.

 

[King sns]

Me too. Try keeping notes, photos, stuff you can look at and read. Investing your confidence in your ability to learn helps. Because you have control over it. I think the real core trick is not to invest your confidence in something or somebody but instead in traits you can control.

That's probably a very good peice of advice. Much of my confidence has come from external things thus far, things that might go away or I don't necissarily have to keep. Things that will go away.

(My appearance, people around me, things that i'm currently doing.)

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

I know my own standards for the most part. Failing them, my thing for getting the confidence up have been to get myself up to the standards. This requires openness, vulnerability, acceptance of inadequacy and willingness to move forward.

Sometimes I've needed to do something as demeaning as just accepting I've have to do what others overwhelmingly need me to.

Part of my confidence has been philosophical. It's the understanding of what constitutes over-inflated ego, understanding of what's really meaningful - some of those things are hard. Can you tell someone it's really not a big deal if they are rejected by people who they fall in love with?

Parts of confidence I still haven't achieved. I think I'm not cool. Or, maybe I'm cool for not caring about it. It's controversial.

In some ways I'm weak. Most of the time I just shrug it off - well, that's situational, I can play my game with that weakness. I know this strength of mine.

Some time my weakness gets me. I get emotional, perhaps even go as far as pity myself.

I don't know of all kinds of bases for confidence people might have. For me, being able to get by builds my confidence the most. I know I will always get by, so I can have an an endless number of restarts from almost any situation.

I'm sure that people play on different flavors of confidence.

 

[branflakes]

things to consider:

attitude follows behavior
-do something that scares you and it'll show you that you can be confident and take action

therapy
-someone can help you see great things you have done that you may discount

 

[JoSunshine]

Looking at the average joe and realizing you are better than him in this or that way, for example.

Uhhhh....really? I think comparing yourself to others is a slippery slope. If you are looking at how you are "better than" someone, won't you also end up considering how you are worse? Becuase if how you are "better than" them holds value it is only logical that the converse is also true. If you are looking beyond external things, how do you measure this anyway? You put your kindness in a cup and I'll put mine in a cup and whoever has the most wins?

The funny thing about this post is, I used to be very confident (but NEVER superior feeling) becuase I measured myself internally: good person - check, treats others with respect - check, compassionate - check, etc, etc.) and being these things seemed to serve me well in my friendships which resulted in approval (which was not so much the goal, but more of a by-product). Due to a series of unfortunate events, it came to my attention that many people (particularly in romantic relationships) seem to value external things (which CAN be measured) and DO comapre themselves to others to gain a sense of self-worth. As a result, my own confidence took a hit becuase I realized that I did not possess many of the attibutes externally that most people seem to value in relationships - which made me realize that I was in a way dependant on other people's opinions of me. I don't even know if that makes sense.

Anyway, I am trying to get back to my old way of feeling becuase I am who I am and there will always be someone better than me in some external, measurable way. I can tell you that it felt quite good to be OK with who I was (while at the same time always striving to improve myself) and feeling like that was good enough...I just have to figure out how to do it knowing that there are more than a few others who would disagree with my assessment

 

[Shimmy]

How do you get it? Mine is often dependant on the opinions of others. I'm not extremely unconfident without those opinions, but I wish to be able to build some on my own. I'm not really interested in people saying, "who cares what others think?". Since duh, that's the most obvious remark. I'm more interested in some practical things that may have helped you guys in the past.

Bellow is something that works excellent for me, but I do know a couple of Fi users (not all of them) who have extreme difficulty with it. They just 'feel' insecure and become unable and unwilling to figure out why that is. Both of the people I'm talking about are at any given time either the happiest people I know, or the most distressed.

Confidence follows success. If you lack confidence in certain situations that means you feel insecure about whether things will go the way you want them to go. A good idea, when you are feeling less confident, is ask yourself: How can I find out how to handle this situation to my own satisfaction? Then instead of dealing with the situation itself directly, first gather the right information, skills, resources etc. you need to handle the situation. It may take some time, but it'll help in the long run.

Also, don't be afraid to ask for help, Asking on these forums is a possibility, but you'll always get 1000 different opinions from 1000 different members. I'd say, turn to someone you assume might have the answer.

 

[King sns]

Bellow is something that works excellent for me, but I do know a couple of Fi users (not all of them) who have extreme difficulty with it. They just 'feel' insecure and become unable and unwilling to figure out why that is. Both of the people I'm talking about are at any given time either the happiest people I know, or the most distressed.

Confidence follows success. If you lack confidence in certain situations that means you feel insecure about whether things will go the way you want them to go. A good idea, when you are feeling less confident, is ask yourself: How can I find out how to handle this situation to my own satisfaction? Then instead of dealing with the situation itself directly, first gather the right information, skills, resources etc. you need to handle the situation. It may take some time, but it'll help in the long run.

Also, don't be afraid to ask for help, Asking on these forums is a possibility, but you'll always get 1000 different opinions from 1000 different members. I'd say, turn to someone you assume might have the answer.

I hate people who don't like solutions to their problems.
As far as your suggestion, this is really tailored to my style. Everything needs goals and steps and ways to handle it. And, as far as the 1000 opinions, totally true. But of course I can pick and choose. The reason I ask strangers is that it's nice to get different perspectives rather than people who know me who are just going to blow my head up with compliments and then eventually i'd be back to where I started.

I actually started a private journal, something I haven't done in a while, with monthly goals and stuff to do that month to make me better, happier, whatever. Sounds nerdy but I predict it will work. Need something tangible to look at.

 

[disregard]

I gain confidence by:

-focusing on "the goal" rather than my own insecurities
-remembering that other people feel the way I do
-knowing that you can't win if you don't play, so go get em!

 

[Shimmy]

I hate people who don't like solutions to their problems.
As far as your suggestion, this is really tailored to my style. Everything needs goals and steps and ways to handle it. And, as far as the 1000 opinions, totally true. But of course I can pick and choose. The reason I ask strangers is that it's nice to get different perspectives rather than people who know me who are just going to blow my head up with compliments and then eventually i'd be back to where I started.

I actually started a private journal, something I haven't done in a while, with monthly goals and stuff to do that month to make me better, happier, whatever. Sounds nerdy but I predict it will work. Need something tangible to look at.

I think you completely got my point. Cool.

Yeah, you can pick and choose who to listen to, go do that, some people will just be able to help you better then others.

I think it's great you started writing down goals as well, I sometimes do this with important stuff as well. My trick is to chunk the goals in smaller pieces and set nearby, but easy to achieve, deadlines for them. That way you'll be less disappointed if a goal isn't met. Instead of thinking 'I wasted a month', it becomes 'I wasted two days'.

 

[thisGuy]

why dont you read a book or watch a show/movie and write down YOUR opinion about it.
then go on the internet and read everyone else's opinion. if they match, good; find another book

when they don't match, try to convince yourself (through logic supported by actual examples from the book) why your opinion is obviously better than theirs.

what is important here is the power of self-persuasion. it when you fail to find any argument at all as to why your opinion is better, you must accept people's opinion; but if can prove their opinion wrong, accept yours and yours only. without any doubt whatsoever


try to pick the movie/book is easy for you; by easy i mean it is in an area that you love or find interesting...if you like basketball, get a movie about basketball

 

[King sns]

I think you completely got my point. Cool.

Yeah, you can pick and choose who to listen to, go do that, some people will just be able to help you better then others.

I think it's great you started writing down goals as well, I sometimes do this with important stuff as well. My trick is to chunk the goals in smaller pieces and set nearby, but easy to achieve, deadlines for them. That way you'll be less disappointed if a goal isn't met. Instead of thinking 'I wasted a month', it becomes 'I wasted two days'.

Yea, that's always my line of thinking too. I'm a fan of small steps. (Baby steps down to the door, baby steps down the hall...) What about Bob references aside, I wanted to do monthly with a bunch of small and big goals. Can cross them off if I meet smaller ones. I hope to reach 80% of the goals. Some of them are super easy, some progressive that will never stop, and some more challenging. I also would like to see where I was a month ago versus where I am today, emotionally, physically, whatever. Should be interesting to see how it goes.
I think it's become an issue of me being unhappy lately in general, not just lack of confidence. But all the goals and them being met alone make me happier and more confident, I think.

 

[Glycerine]

Just try to be the best person you possibly can be...with both your strengths and flaws. However you shouldn't try to change yourself, if that makes any sense.

 

[King sns]

Actually, you know what I think it is? It's this long vacation from school. People would give anything to be in my position right now with this loads of time off. But I haven't been as active as usual this vacation, in turn, becoming a bit depressed. I predict that next Tuesday when the activity starts up again I'll be back to my old self.

Sometimes I think i'm crazy, but when there's not a lot going on, I start to twiddle my thumbs and feel really lonely and weird and restless and sometimes have panic attacks. Reminding myself of someone who belongs in an institution.

I spose if I always need constant excess amount of activity in my life than so be it.

( I say this all with a smile on my face, of course.)

It is absolutely bizzarre and selfish of me to think that I should be upset because I have "too much time off." Will have to remind myself not to complain when i'm "too busy."

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

What helps me more than figuring out how much I care what others think of me, is to look at what I think of others. By having some level of respect for others and their limitations, it allows me to go outside myself and show myself the same kindness.

If I make a mistake and hurt someone and lose confidence, I ask myself whether or not I would be forgiving to someone else making that same mistake with me.

If I get up front for a speech or performance and botch it up, I ask myself if I would think less of someone else in the humiliating position.

If I get a lower score on a test or do something stupid, I try to remember how I would feel if that were someone else.

etc.

By being decent to other people, I have to confront the lack of logic of not showing myself the same decency. My lack of confidence is connected to the ability to dehumanize myself - to be irrationally hard on myself. I can get knocked for a loop when someone is hateful towards me mostly because it can propel me towards that tendency to dehumanize myself. If I can counter it with that basic human respect foundation, I can push back and by showing others the patience, and I can find it for myself as well.

This approach doesn't make me strikingly confident outwardly and many times I falter, but it makes me like a weeble wobble. I can get shaken up, but never actually knocked down. It applies to all possible situations I could ever encounter.

 

[onemoretime]

What helps me more than figuring out how much I care what others think of me, is to look at what I think of others. By having some level of respect for others and their limitations, it allows me to go outside myself and show myself the same kindness.

If I make a mistake and hurt someone and lose confidence, I ask myself whether or not I would be forgiving to someone else making that same mistake with me.

If I get up front for a speech or performance and botch it up, I ask myself if I would think less of someone else in the humiliating position.

If I get a lower score on a test or do something stupid, I try to remember how I would feel if that were someone else.

etc.

By being decent to other people, I have to confront the lack of logic of not showing myself the same decency. My lack of confidence is connected to the ability to dehumanize myself - to be irrationally hard on myself. I can get knocked for a loop when someone is hateful towards me mostly because it can propel me towards that tendency to dehumanize myself. If I can counter it with that basic human respect foundation, I can push back and by showing others the patience, and I can find it for myself as well.

This approach doesn't make me strikingly confident outwardly and many times I falter, but it makes me like a weeble wobble. I can get shaken up, but never actually knocked down. It applies to all possible situations I could ever encounter.

Sheer brilliance.

 

[FeatheredFrenzy]

+1