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How did you stop letting other people dictate your actions?

raz

Let's make this showy!
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Nov 11, 2008
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LoLz
A lot of the things I do and don't do are because I feel other people expect more of me, and thus I expect more of me. Or I think something just isn't accepted in society, so I don't do it. For instance, I want to wear the color pink often, but it's hard being a guy. The harder thing is I've always had a voice in my head telling me I could've done better at something, I could've had more discipline, I could've seen the bigger picture better or I could've been less superficial. It's like a mini-ENTJ inside my head.

I've always felt insecure because of the effectiveness and productivity I've seen in SPs and xNTJs. I just don't know how to stop it. It's a lot of negative self-talk too that is just dictating my actions and stopping me from being happy. How did other people overcome this?
 

Jaguar

Active member
Joined
May 5, 2007
Messages
20,647
A lot of the things I do and don't do are because I feel other people expect more of me, and thus I expect more of me. Or I think something just isn't accepted in society, so I don't do it. For instance, I want to wear the color pink often, but it's hard being a guy. The harder thing is I've always had a voice in my head telling me I could've done better at something, I could've had more discipline, I could've seen the bigger picture better or I could've been less superficial. It's like a mini-ENTJ inside my head.

I've always felt insecure because of the effectiveness and productivity I've seen in SPs and xNTJs. I just don't know how to stop it. It's a lot of negative self-talk too that is just dictating my actions and stopping me from being happy. How did other people overcome this?


Donald Trump wears pink ties. What the hell is the big deal?
How much of a man you are has nothing to do with what color of clothing you wear.
Tell me you have no integrity, then I'll call you a pussy.
If you remember nothing, remember this:

The only person you have to impress in life is yourself. Period.
We have but one life to live. Live it your way.
 

NewEra

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Dec 21, 2008
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3,104
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I
A lot of the things I do and don't do are because I feel other people expect more of me, and thus I expect more of me. Or I think something just isn't accepted in society, so I don't do it. For instance, I want to wear the color pink often, but it's hard being a guy. The harder thing is I've always had a voice in my head telling me I could've done better at something, I could've had more discipline, I could've seen the bigger picture better or I could've been less superficial. It's like a mini-ENTJ inside my head.

I've always felt insecure because of the effectiveness and productivity I've seen in SPs and xNTJs. I just don't know how to stop it. It's a lot of negative self-talk too that is just dictating my actions and stopping me from being happy. How did other people overcome this?

Do the opposite of what your head tells you out of spite. Get angry at that voice. Wear pink, don't listen to other people, don't worry about what you COULD'VE done, be concerned about what you WILL do.

Also, just break it down logically:

- Why are you afraid of wearing the color pink? Just because it's not common in guys? It would make you even more manly to be secure enough to wear it, so wear pink if it makes you feel good.
- About the voice, even if it tells you what you COULD'VE done better, don't listen to it. What's the point in doing that - you can't change the past so why do you worry about it?

Also - What's this about effectiveness and productivity in SPs and NTJs? No offense to those types, but I've been more productive than them. And the same could be said for the other SJs I know.
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
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In the end, it's a few strategies:

- Rationalize to yourself why it's fine and even preferable to say/do/be what you think you should say/do/be.

- Examine the actual practical ramifications of you doing whatever you fear will bring disapproval (i.e., what are the odds you could lose your job? Lose a relationship? Be ostracized in a particular group? etc.) so you can separate realistic fear from unrealistic.

- Examine what you need as a person -- is the risk worth what you're going to gain?

- Build a support group of people who will accept the way you want to live... and better yet, accept you no matter HOW you choose to live.

Expecting things from people who practice conditional love or who try to undermine you if you don't do things the way they would like is inevitably going to place you in a cage and result in your experiencing some loss if you ever step out.

These are all things that worked for me, but it took me until later in my life to figure them out, then step out. You've got some chances earlier to live in a way that is fulfilling to you.

* * * *

As far as the color pink goes..
... it's a color.

Some people will tease you but don't mean much by it.
A few will tease you and be jerks -- you don't need them / you can ignore them.
Frankly the rest won't much care or think much at all, unless of course it's got ruffles too. ;)

Seriously, though, that's ANOTHER big lesson I learned: Most people are living their own lives and it's just not that big a deal to them what you do, even if they do not prefer it or might have an internally slightly negative reaction. Most people just don't care.
 

tinkerbell

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Aug 31, 2008
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For what its worth it works both ways

Listening to others too much is bad and too little is bad....

Understanding which decisions you need to make on your own is important, that is about you beign able to express yourself.

What is the outcome likely to be be if you stop listening to the voice in you head less? Will the sky fall in? reign it in a bit and make more deicisons on what ou want to do.. its very liberating
 

Oaky

Travelling mind
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A lot of the things I do and don't do are because I feel other people expect more of me, and thus I expect more of me. Or I think something just isn't accepted in society, so I don't do it. For instance, I want to wear the color pink often, but it's hard being a guy. The harder thing is I've always had a voice in my head telling me I could've done better at something, I could've had more discipline, I could've seen the bigger picture better or I could've been less superficial. It's like a mini-ENTJ inside my head.

I've always felt insecure because of the effectiveness and productivity I've seen in SPs and xNTJs. I just don't know how to stop it. It's a lot of negative self-talk too that is just dictating my actions and stopping me from being happy. How did other people overcome this?
I just talked about this to a friend today. I told him not to be the people, but to be himself. Because of what I wear people find me 'different' yet it tells them something that they don't realise. That they are cowards who hide under the social norms because they don't want to feel left out.
 

thisGuy

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Mar 14, 2009
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doing what is right.

if it happens to conform with what people want, cool.

if not, then they better catch up fast or they are gonna get left behind


that said, my attitude is changing cuz im guilty of having met some peeps im starting to give a shit abotu
 

Mole

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Joined
Mar 20, 2008
Messages
20,284
We can dictate your actions by holding a gun at your head or by dictating your thoughts.

Most of us live in free societies so there is no gun held at our head. So the dictating of thoughts has reached a high level of sophistication.

Essentially it means putting our critical minds to sleep so that we are susceptible to suggestion.

For instance advertisers spend billions of dollars every year putting our critical minds to sleep so that we will be susceptible to their message.

Religions put our critical minds to sleep by ritual and the repetition of doctrine so we will be susceptible to suggestion.

Drug dealers put our critical minds to sleep by the repetition of drug use so that we will be susceptible to suggestion.

And of course politicians stay on message and by repeating the message over and over put our critical minds to sleep and open us to suggestion.

Cults like MBTI and astrology put our critical minds to sleep by the repetition of jargon so that we will be susceptible to suggestion.

Pornography is highly repetitious and puts our critical minds to sleep.

And the repetition of violence in movies and TV puts our critical minds to sleep.

And education based on the repetition of rote learning also puts our critical minds to sleep.

And of course a job based on mindless repetition also puts our critical minds to sleep.

The repetition of dieting puts our critical minds to sleep.

Even the repetition of driving puts our critical minds to sleep.

But most of all, the repetition of reading this is putting our critical minds to sleep so that we will be susceptible to the suggestion that -

The Enlightenment woke up our critical minds, but everywhere our critical minds are asleep.
 

Morpeko

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I haven't. I'm greatly motivated by having to be the best. It doesn't feel great, especially when I don't succeed (which is most of the time), but I'm not sure how to stop.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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I became a freelancer and also poor. I'm under almost zero contracts and I have cats for friends. I'm unplugged.
 

Peter Deadpan

phallus impudicus
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Messages
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Getting away from them so that I can realize how I lost myself in the first place. No one ever controls me... but at my worst, I allow myself to be under their influence, much like a drug.
 

Luminous

༻✧✧༺
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In the end, it's a few strategies:

- Rationalize to yourself why it's fine and even preferable to say/do/be what you think you should say/do/be.

- Examine the actual practical ramifications of you doing whatever you fear will bring disapproval (i.e., what are the odds you could lose your job? Lose a relationship? Be ostracized in a particular group? etc.) so you can separate realistic fear from unrealistic.

- Examine what you need as a person -- is the risk worth what you're going to gain?

- Build a support group of people who will accept the way you want to live... and better yet, accept you no matter HOW you choose to live.

Expecting things from people who practice conditional love or who try to undermine you if you don't do things the way they would like is inevitably going to place you in a cage and result in your experiencing some loss if you ever step out.

These are all things that worked for me, but it took me until later in my life to figure them out, then step out. You've got some chances earlier to live in a way that is fulfilling to you.

* * * *

As far as the color pink goes..
... it's a color.

Some people will tease you but don't mean much by it.
A few will tease you and be jerks -- you don't need them / you can ignore them.
Frankly the rest won't much care or think much at all, unless of course it's got ruffles too. ;)

Seriously, though, that's ANOTHER big lesson I learned: Most people are living their own lives and it's just not that big a deal to them what you do, even if they do not prefer it or might have an internally slightly negative reaction. Most people just don't care.

Bumping because this is an excellent post.
 

Red Memories

Haunted Echoes
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I think honestly, speaking as someone who has spent too much of their life being dictated by another person, you first have to trust yourself. Do what you must do to learn about yourself, your mind workings, what is intrinsically right or wrong to you. And stand by these. Realize you do matter, and these are your boundaries. Otherwise, you are a doormat to many sadly.
 
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