An actual shadow

[raz]

I was having a conversation a few days ago that got me thinking about a part of me that I was able to explore while I played Star Wars Galaxies. It was a more...feminine side of myself. I had just come off of playing Team Fortress Classic and in those forums, I was ridiculed constantly for my weight because I posted pictures of myself. I guess you could say I was insecure, because I created a female character in SWG, then proceeded to tell everyone for the next few years online that I was a girl IRL.

I enjoyed it greatly, because I could do things like pick out girl clothes, customize my character's looks, do dancing and things like that in the game, and I felt secure doing it, because I didn't feel I was being judged. I didn't feel secure enough to act like a guy in the game. Now, though, I feel like there's this hidden part of me that is itching to get out.

It's like a compassionate, insightful and cold female persona that I feel has been there mentally the last several years, and it's almost like someone I've come to compare myself to. I just think to myself, that that girl is someone who would stop on the way home from work just to buy a cupcake mix or a flower. She's someone who is excellent with the details of her life, but at the same time, able to recognize the more gentle side of life because she's worry-free about the details.

I think I'm just rambling, but I've just started to think about it a lot more often the last few days. It's just like an alternate persona that isn't as judgmental or analytical. Does any of this make sense?

 

[MonkeyGrass]

It does make sense. What would it take to integrate those hidden parts of yourself into the personality you allow others to see? It sounds like you're afraid of being hurt, and you've learned to suppress or protect those aspects of your personality. What would it look like if you started allowing the everyday you to participate in the things you obviously love?

 

[raz]

It does make sense. What would it take to integrate those hidden parts of yourself into the personality you allow others to see? It sounds like you're afraid of being hurt, and you've learned to suppress or protect those aspects of your personality. What would it look like if you started allowing the everyday you to participate in the things you obviously love?

It's just more like....the things that I tell myself not to do, when I stop and try to make myself look at it from the point of view of....her, suddenly my viewpoint changes drastically and I'm like, "it's ok to do that." Like recently, I bought a laptop, and I started thinking about how I could customize it, and I remembered reading about how some people didn't find a need to customize things until they realized they could express themselves through customization. And then, suddenly I wanted to put cute stickers on it and stuff.

 

[Soar337]

I'm sure I'm secretly an ESTJ. I have this weird, anal, controlling and impatient streak.

 

[Totenkindly]

Sounds almost like Jung's anima concept, or the 'dream girl' concept that some people have speculated men have captured in their psyche and compare real women to as their idea.

What makes this collection of "feminine" attributes resonate with you, and how does she contrast from how you normally see yourself in your male life?

 

[raz]

Sounds almost like Jung's anima concept, or the 'dream girl' concept that some people have speculated men have captured in their psyche and compare real women to as their idea.

What makes this collection of "feminine" attributes resonate with you, and how does she contrast from how you normally see yourself in your male life?

To me, it's more things I become interested in, but keep myself away from because I'm afraid of what others think. Like, at work, we have these originality beads that you can make bracelets and necklaces with. I always tell coworkers or customers if I were a teenage girl, I would be obsessed with them. I mean, it's just not something a 23 year old guy can go play with.

It's also things like arts and crafts or random cute little things I think of doing but convince myself not to do because I tell myself it's just not necessary to complete my other objectives. Things like going to a coffee shop just to sit there and do homework or use my laptop. Part of me wants to just for the experience, but then I tell myself, "Why do you need to? There's nothing really to gain there that you can't get at home.

I've been working on fixing my college plans lately, and when I fantasize about it in my head, I seem to put that girl into it. I just think of this organized petite girl taking classes in college with a laptop that has her whole life in it. I picture her sitting at a desk in a classroom working on the schoolwork, concentrated on it, but also talking to close friends next to her. She's not someone overly obsessed with what others think of her. She's someone that'd go to the gym and be relaxed jogging on a treadmill as part of her normal routine.

 

[Eric B]

In finally coming to understand the anima concept better (thanks to finding several Beebe articles online.
So I've come to recognize the significance of me being so jealous of females in social situations (from gatherings with friends, to award shows where all this attention is given to the females and their fashion) as being connected with a Fe anima.

Also, that the "ideal girl" always did seem to be an SFJ type (even though I did not know about type until recent years). With both real people and even fictional characters, I noticed that what turn out to be SFP's look similar on the surface, and are real attractive and are like the model of femininity. Yet I always sensed that there would be no chemistry; nothing really to have in common.

 

[raz]

Interesting. Even the wikipedia article makes it make sense. It feels a little more normal knowing that other people have identified it. I'm not going to lie and say that these desires and fantasies haven't made me question my sexuality. I think society is to blame for that, though. I believe my heterosexuality is completely intact. I just have desires that are labeled as feminine or things the average girl does.

I tend to be attracted to the FPs. FJs can be attractive at times, but only for surface conversations most of the time. The stopping to take into consideration other people just for the sake of it regardless of whether it's necessary or you actually give a damn about them gets frustrating. I think that's why I like FPs.

Working at a department store has helped me a lot to get in touch with this "anima." I've kind of named her Annoka in my head after the character in Star Wars Galaxies that I used. Just like, stopping and asking myself how she would react to a situation. I've learned working at this store my interest in clothes, perfumes, gift wrapping, home decor.

 

[King sns]

hey razzy!

 

[Soar337]

The stopping to take into consideration other people just for the sake of it regardless of whether it's necessary or you actually give a damn about them gets frustrating. I think that's why I like FPs.

FP's do this too I think, lol!

 

[MonkeyGrass]

FP's do this too I think, lol!

Yep, true, IME. I tend to not really want to help someone unless I actually like them, and usually for me...liking someone is a big deal.

 

[NewEra]

Dude, you're actually a chick.

No but seriously, it could be development of that tertiary Fi. Have you had these secret feelings all your life or is it just now? I've never felt like that to be honest. Maybe you've suppressed some of those feelings for whatever reason, and now they're making their way out. Could this be it?

I am interested in a few feminine things too, like... changing home's appearance, and well I guess that's it, but that doesn't make me any less of a man. So yeah I would say it's either the Fi development or the suppressing of the feminine side. Hope this helped.

 

[Laurie]

I haven't met a male that doesn't enjoy decking out his female avatar and playing as a female. Anywhere from INTJ to ESFP. I think it's enjoying being allowed to play with dolls and having freedom to try being a "woman." One of my friends even talked to women he knew as a male in a female avatar and felt freedom doing it. (never told them)

 

[Totenkindly]

To me, it's more things I become interested in, but keep myself away from because I'm afraid of what others think. Like, at work, we have these originality beads that you can make bracelets and necklaces with. I always tell coworkers or customers if I were a teenage girl, I would be obsessed with them. I mean, it's just not something a 23 year old guy can go play with.

I really understand that and empathize with you. There are some activities that are very strongly gendered in western culture (among others) and to "hop boxes" is punished, overtly or tacitly, and often unconsciously.

Men generally have the smaller, more rigid box of the two binary genders in terms of allowable interests and presentation at least. Women are allowed far more variety (extending far into the "masculine" end) in those two areas. Men have other privileges in other areas, whereas women are more trapped (I think), but at least in those areas of self-expression, yes, women are freer.

It's also things like arts and crafts or random cute little things I think of doing but convince myself not to do because I tell myself it's just not necessary to complete my other objectives. Things like going to a coffee shop just to sit there and do homework or use my laptop. Part of me wants to just for the experience, but then I tell myself, "Why do you need to? There's nothing really to gain there that you can't get at home.

Here, I can say in my experience with ISxJ women, they often have the same level of practicality... as literally stated as what you have said here, I've heard the exact same syntax used by them. So this one isn't necessarily a gendered trait.

I've been working on fixing my college plans lately, and when I fantasize about it in my head, I seem to put that girl into it. I just think of this organized petite girl taking classes in college with a laptop that has her whole life in it. I picture her sitting at a desk in a classroom working on the schoolwork, concentrated on it, but also talking to close friends next to her. She's not someone overly obsessed with what others think of her. She's someone that'd go to the gym and be relaxed jogging on a treadmill as part of her normal routine.

It's just interesting to me as to how you view the female as having more freedom than you do. Why is that? It sounds like you feel you have many expectations on you as a male and a girl would be freer to be herself. (Whether or not that is true is besides the point, although when you said things like "She's not someone overly obsessed with what others think of her", that seemed odd to me -- I mean, many women, though not all, OBSESS over how they come across to others and feel far more burden than males seem to!)

I am more interested in understanding the reasons behind you finding freedom into projecting into a female life...

I haven't met a male that doesn't enjoy decking out his female avatar and playing as a female. Anywhere from INTJ to ESFP. I think it's enjoying being allowed to play with dolls and having freedom to try being a "woman." One of my friends even talked to women he knew as a male in a female avatar and felt freedom doing it. (never told them)

It's pretty much a running joke in MMOs that 70% of the women are actually men.

 

[TickTock]

I've been exploring my anima more recently. I've always been in touch with my 'feminine' side and in my first drama classes I would pretended to be a girl - not as a conscious decision I just see the drama room as a place for expression. In a similar way you have found your avatar as a place for that and over time this part of you has become seperated as you explore parts that otherwise you don't feel are available to you. From my own experience I feel free being so connected to this part of me but it is intergrated into my personality. At some point I have questioned my sexuality, the experience was freeing again. I think this is a healthy thing to go through but I would say it would be healthier if you intergrated the parts. I think you haven't through fear of losing your identity. These parts are in you and the freedom you are finding is evidence to me that your identity would be stronger if you start to live out your hidden desires as neither something other (feminine) nor as something hidden. Needless to say this is for you to decide whether or not this is best for you.

Ed: like taking anart class for example.

 

[milkyway2]

Of course, there are all sorts of different sides of myself I can get into. Depending on my mood and what not.

 

[raz]

It's more like the feminine side of me feels better at times than the masculine side. Even like picking out clothes, women's clothes tend to look more intriguing. I only ever really like my own clothes when I know it would be effective in impressing women.

The typical female life just intrigues me. Even now I went shopping for Christmas decorations and when I want look at flowers or pink stuff, I was afraid to. Then I stopped and thought about what that girl would do and she would just look. So I changed my internal viewpoint and I just did those things effortlessly. I don't want to sound crazy.