Siblings, only-child-hood, and extra/introversion

[Eileen]

I've been thinking of the impact of siblings (or lack of siblings) on expressions of introversion and extraversion. I guess that I think that intro/extraversion is pretty hard-wired (visible even in infants and toddlers!) but I wonder what siblings (and maybe their types in relation to ours) or not having them affects how we deal with our orientations.

For my part, I'm an introvert, and sometimes a fairly shy one (but sometimes not shy at all). Both of my siblings are/were also introverted, but we played well together and, I think, learned how to cooperate, draw boundaries, and basically interact with each other socially. As an effectively oldest child (though I was chronologically in the middle), I often managed our play and tended to be the one to include or exclude (I wasn't always nice, alas!). I can be a little socially skittish, but I feel that I have some kind of interactive tool box to draw from when put in a situation where I have to extravert and relate to people. I also tend to be a node of friendship in the regular social interactions that I do have; even though I AM shy and quiet, I tend to be the person who brings people into a space together to interact, and then I step back and socialize as the introvert I am (in small pockets, though I will flit about as I am comfortable). I'm not sure how much that has to do with having siblings, but it doesn't seem irrelevant, anyway...

My boyfriend is an extravert, but he was an only child--and I suspect that this is a reason that he's a sort of funny (shy) extravert. He has always sought out brothers and sisters and has often been lonely, I think. He's very conscious of "roles" and wants to fill a particular one in social situations (as the entertainer and sometimes the advisor). He's uncomfortable socially if he doesn't know where he fits. He seems less flexible about the roles he can fill, and I wonder if he just never had the same kind of practice I had having siblings. I think that, even though I was the bossy kid, I learned a certain kind of negotiation (which was perhaps easier for me to learn in my situation because we were all introverted kids, instead of being a mix) that he still struggles with as an adult.

Anyway. Just some thoughts. What do you think?

 

[Matthew_Z]

My sister and I are both introverts. We've generally learned to stay out of each others' lives and bond once in a while when we're both bored. She wasn't always like that, used to always want to be out there having fun or whatnot. I think I've rubbed off on my sister to some extent. We've both had days of spending 18 waking hours without leaving 30 feet of where either of us woke up.

 

[Gerbah]

I was an only child and I can relate to some of the things you say about your boyfriend. I think that having siblings or not does have some effect on your social skills. I also think it really depends on your circumstances as a whole though. When I was very young, I was actually very extraverted, from what my mum says. I had no fear to talk to anyone, including adults, and was interested in people. This was also the time when I was living in my original country where I had a large and friendly extended family who were an everyday presence. Then my parents emigrated when I was 5. I then became very introverted, I think because of the cultural isolation and that I wasn't very close to my parents and other problems. I did have childhood friends but it's not the same as having your own siblings. As an adult I am an introvert.

On the other hand, I have a friend who is also an only child and she is very extraverted, friendly, kind and reaches out to people easily. Her parents were very socially and politically active and the whole extended family is very close.

 

[ubiquitous1]

I am an only child and very introverted. I have always been introverted, so I can't say that it has had an effect on me. My SJ parents encouraged my introversion.

 

[Qre:us]

My boyfriend is an extravert, but he was an only child--and I suspect that this is a reason that he's a sort of funny (shy) extravert. He has always sought out brothers and sisters and has often been lonely, I think. He's very conscious of "roles" and wants to fill a particular one in social situations (as the entertainer and sometimes the advisor). He's uncomfortable socially if he doesn't know where he fits. He seems less flexible about the roles he can fill, and I wonder if he just never had the same kind of practice I had having siblings. I think that, even though I was the bossy kid, I learned a certain kind of negotiation (which was perhaps easier for me to learn in my situation because we were all introverted kids, instead of being a mix) that he still struggles with as an adult.

Anyway. Just some thoughts. What do you think?

I am an only child and a "funny" extravert too (not shy), but, in that, I can get very selfish about needing/wanting my solitude.

When I was a kid, I felt lonely and really wanted siblings, and fabricated tales of having siblings.

And, as I grew up, and into my circumstances, I started to revel in my solitude, such that, as an adult, it's something that is quite important to me, once in a while.

However, unlike your bf, I'm not very socially uncomfortable, nor do I question where I fit. For me, it's more of how everything/one fits around me.
In interactions, for me, I'm the focal point and from this point of reference, I see (work towards) how everything plays out.

I bring out different aspects of myself, in order to target the group I'm interacting with.....I'm very 'go with the flow' in that regard.

I will admit though, I'm not really good at negotiations in that I like my independence quite a lot, to the point where, I'd rather do it (my way).

But, for things that I have no real vested interest in (most things in life), I can negotiate far better than my friends who have siblings. I think this is because as a kid, I had a lot more interactions with adults, and getting them to 'take me seriously' and holding conversations with them, learning how to 'manipulate' them devil, and, knowing that, unlike those with siblings, where friendships were a given (even if you fight, they'll never leave as they live with you)...I had to learn to use my own wares to secure friendships, loyalty and bonding (as, it wasn't a given/secure deal). This helped me learn how to negotiate with a diplomacy that I haven't seen in my friends with siblings.

 

[Eileen]

interesting, Qre:us. I can't say that I've noted any real patterns among people who are only children because I just don't know enough of them, so all of my speculations are coming from talking to my BF. When I try to compare him to my other friend who is an only child, I find that it's not particularly easy to make generalizations. She is adept at the social negotiation that I describe in myself as a person with siblings, though her childhood--as you describe--was particularly full of adults (and less full of fellow children). So I suppose it's possible that siblings aren't the be-all and end-all of interaction school.

 

[sofmarhof]

All the only children I can think of that I know are extraverts. If they want friends, they have to actively seek them out.

 

[InfiniteIntrigue]

I have a fourteen year old brother. He's an introvert, but he tests as an extrovert (ESTP). I think he projects what he considers the ideal teenage boy. I'm an an introvert too, but my brother is definitely more assertive than I am. That doesn't mean I won't snap at him when he's a a pain in the ass.

 

[Queen Kat]

Only child. Never been allowed to play outside. All of my friends I had as a child moved away just when I really started bonding with them. When I was little, not a single baby sitter wanted to take care of me because I was a bit of a pain in the ass, so I've been home alone a lot. My life is pretty lonely, but I don't really bother. Somehow every MBTI-test I took in the past half year has considered me to be an extravert and since I haven't come across a test that told me that I was an introvert in a long time, I must admit that I believe it.

 

[brainheart]

dad-I
mom-E
oldest sis- E
oldest bro- E
middle bro-E
middle sis-E
youngest bro- I
me- I

 

[Totenkindly]

However, unlike your bf, I'm not very socially uncomfortable, nor do I question where I fit. For me, it's more of how everything/one fits around me. In interactions, for me, I'm the focal point and from this point of reference, I see (work towards) how everything plays out.

That was an interesting comment, in terms of potential introvert/extrovert differences.

I bring out different aspects of myself, in order to target the group I'm interacting with.....I'm very 'go with the flow' in that regard.

I do that as well, it's far easier for me to figure out which part of me works best in a particular environment and then play into that role, rather than just being the same person all the time and making others make room for me.

That tends potentially to be an almost Fe vs Fi thing in terms of initial instincts, at least in terms of the social considerations.

I had only one sibling, but she was six years behind me in school and different in personality so we did not interact that much. The family issues really disrupted normal social engagement. My alcoholic dad was also ESTP, the only extrovert in the family, and he was insensitive, loud, abrasive, and overbearing when he was around... there wasn't much for all the introverts to do but withdraw / avoid conflict because we could never get him to change his mind or approach things differently. Avoidance was easiest, but my second developed relational practice was compliance and/or figuring out what someone wanted and giving it to them, not making waves (no matter how I felt inside), because conflict could not be won and therefore needed to be avoided if I was to retain maximum autonomy.

This was something I had to get over as an adult, realizing I had power in a negotiation and thus I could engage honestly and effectively rather than just in ways to reduce hostilities.

Anyway, my sib and I really did not much impact each other's social dev, the situation with Dad was far overshadowing. I think only-children do get different dynamics from sib-dynamics, though, and even parental attitudes and attentions.

 

[NewEra]

I have one sibling: an introvert sister (ISFJ, I'm pretty sure). I see many similarities between myself and her, mainly because of the dominant Si. But even our reactions to certain things are quite similar. I think the similarities have to do with our upbringing.

 

[Kingfisher]

at home i was raised as an only child. i had a brother, but he was 15 years older than me. he moved out of the house when i was 2. he was as much of a father figure as a brother to me. i spent a fair amount of time with him, but it was never as much as i wanted.

so we were not raised together, but i did have a great older brother while i was growing up. my relationship with my brother was incredible for me, i think that he was exactly what i needed in my life when i was a kid. he had been through a similar childhood as me, but he was older and able to give me a lot of direction and advice. advice from someone who had been in my position, but because he was my brother it was advice and direction that came from this very personal place. when i was 10 he was 25.
i think that a lot of my success in life has been because my brother was around to put me on the right path when i was a kid.

oh, i am an introvert, but a fairly outgoing and social introvert. but my brother was extremely extroverted and social. he was an ES-P i think.

 

[InfiniteIntrigue]

dad-I
mom-E
oldest sis- E
oldest bro- E
middle bro-E
middle sis-E
youngest bro- I
me- I

So many E's! I'd die.
Just teasing. My whole family is E's.

 

[Charmed Justice]

I am an only child and a "funny" extravert too (not shy), but, in that, I can get very selfish about needing/wanting my solitude.

When I was a kid, I felt lonely and really wanted siblings, and fabricated tales of having siblings.

Wow, I wonder how many other only children did the bolded. I used to make up stories about my mother being pregnant when I was around 5ish.

I'm pretty split on E/I. I can spend all day and night long with good friends without getting tired, but only in burst. After a couple of nights of going out or talking on the phone for hours, I will disappear from the scene for extended periods of time. I need to process many of my experiences by myself. I also just need time to be alone and read a book, or write, or just lay down and look at the ceiling and think. I love being by myself just as much as I love, and need, being with other people.

 

[Lacey]

dad-I
mom-E
oldest sis- E
oldest bro- E
middle bro-E
middle sis-E
youngest bro- I
me- I

Whoa, you have 5 brothers and sisters?

Me too.

Mine goes like this:

Grandma (she lives with us): E
Dad: I
Mom: E
Me: I
Sister: E
Brother: I
Sister: e (lowercase...'cause I'm not sure)
Sister: autistic...strongly introverted, though
Brother: also autistic, but more extroverted

Yeah. It's interesting how introverted/extroverted dynamics in my family don't really seem to matter in my family... It doesn't tire me out at all to hang out with them. I'm close to my family, so they're kind of an extension of me. And I'm not made to feel weird by the extroverts or anything (until you get out into the extended family...ugh).

 

[cafe]

I have two sibs. One brother is six years younger than me and the other is 21 years younger than me. I also had a step-brother a year younger than me that lived with us from the time I was three until our parents divorced when I was ten.

I don't know whether the step-brother is introverted or extroverted. I just know he likes meth. My brother that is 6 years younger is an extrovert. The youngest probably leans more toward extroversion than introversion. I am fairly introverted. Our mom is extroverted and I think all of our dads and step-dads growing up have been introverts.

 

[Virtual ghost]

There is no way that I would ever be the person I am in the case that I have a sibling.

(because of obvious reasons)

 

[runvardh]

mom is an E, dad is an I, step dad was also an I. In order from me to our youngest sister it was three boys then two girls I, E, I, E, I. The girls are separated from the boys by a 5 year gap while the boys are two years a part each and so are the girls. The dynamic was quite interesting where almost no one really got the interaction or peace that they needed with only my step dad and sisters managing to work things out before adulthood. Us boys on the other hand had all kinds of trouble till the youngest boy turned 20.

 

[Zoom]

Eh, my brother - older - is an 'E', a dick, and has stolen money on various occasions from family and myself.

He might have contributed to my preference for solitude, but I don't know to what extent - he spent more of his teenage years in programs for "juveniles" than at home. He is a perfect example of how someone who is (technically, though not in practice) intelligent and who is given several chances to succeed and pursue whatever makes him happy can fuck it up royally, leeching money and time from us whilst giving back stress and bad times.

Wanker.