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Complimenting people using character descriptions

proteanmix

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Um, that's probably awkwardly titled but I can't think of another way to explain it.

I know there are plenty of threads about complimenting people around, but I'm wondering about a specific type of compliment.

You can compliment someone's clothes or eyes or a job well done on an important project. But what about making "character compliments"?

One of my friends was told she is "docile and even-tempered" as a compliment. Being gracious, docile and even-tempered she thanked them and then came seething to me because she felt like she was being described as a pet.

Is it safer to stick to factual compliments than compliments about someone's internal qualities? It seems to me that giving a character compliment, i.e. "You're a generous person," tends to strike gold more often than "I like your shoes" but when you give a character compliment that contradicts someone's concept of self, you backfire horribly.
 

Usehername

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In situations where I compliment the character attributes of someone I know, I find sometimes I take the easy way out, and do it in a very Fe-violating way (sort of like a child who doesn't know better). Usually it goes well: they feel great, and I like that I've correctly perceived something about them that they identify with.

When it goes wrong, instead of feeling offended they tend to pet my head and tell me that one day I'll learn how this social interaction thing works. Really, I know how it works, I'm just relying on a tried-and-true method from when I actually sucked at this stuff in junior high.
 

disregard

mrs
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It can only backfire if the compliment was intended to seduce the object.

If the compliment is simply unrestrainable appreciation of a quality found in another (with detection of an ulterior motive of course discluding it from this scenario), then the joke's really on the individual taking offense because they're not being open-minded. They are seeing the qualities being commented upon through their biased lense of life experience and are thus missing out on an opportunity to see themselves in a positive new light via the perception of another.
 

Totenkindly

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What's interesting to me is that while the positive character descriptions are graciously appreciated, the negative or personally incongruent ones are devastating to self-esteem. Psych workers are trained specifically to avoid labeling people as of being "bad character," and those messages in childhood ("You are a liar" vs "You lied to me") can screw someone up into their adult years.

And then, in my particular situation, I had some comments from people over the years reaffirming a set of my roles that was devastating to me and not positive in the least, just due to the specifics of my identity. Of course, they never realized it; they were just trying to be kind and encouraging.

So I think it's just a land mine.

You can be more specific and confine it to the event in question: for example, you can tell someone "That was a generous thing you did" rather than "You are a generous person" or "I like your shoes." And if you think they are a generous person, you can say, "I often see you doing so many generous things and it is so much appreciated."

I think the word "docile" has good and bad connotations.
Specific word choice can impact perception.
I think "even-tempered" was better, or "easy to work with," or "open to discussion," or some other phrase.
 

Spamtar

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Im a Charmer. It comes natural and is the flip side to when I go into an incisive mode. Really I use generalities all of the time and they work well. I however prefer to combine the specific with the general. (i.e. I noticed you giving that homeless person some money [specific]. It reminded me you are such a generous and caring person.[general]) I also make it a point to be honest in the substance of my complements. The power of Charm feels good and makes others feel good too. The specific/general makes a nice 1-2-punch.

the word in that statement reminded is the softener and allows the ability to backpedal when the person is the type of person who cant take a complement.

I have spidy sense on those who can't take a complement and try and avoid them. That being said I don't think I would like to be called "docile" either (sounds more like a backhanded complement). Personally its a good policy to view/respond to even backhanded complement as if it were a real complement...reframing like this can even change the perception of the original speaker.
 

Laurie

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[totally on a side note, when people tell me that being a stay at home mom is the hardest work in the world I want to ask them to pat me on the head. How stupid do they think I am, of course it's not the hardest work! It can be draining and boring and fulfilling and fun but not the hardest work.]

I do think you need to be careful what you compliment (or even put down) because people value different things. Until you know what they value it's hard to make a worthwhile comment about them.
 

Spamtar

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^yes, very much agree, eliciting values of the recipient of the complement is often the best precursor to crafting the complement.

For example I would say from the above statement that Elaur places honesty and sincerity higher up on her value hierarchy than most.
 

Totenkindly

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For example I would say from the above statement that Elaur places honesty and sincerity higher up on her value hierarchy than most.

"Elaur, I noticed you emoting such honesty and sincerity in your post, it reminded me that you are such an honest and sincere person!"
^^^ one problem with inept practice of variations of reflective listening, lol

.... yeah, if I heard that too much, I'd strangle someone too. :dry:


;)
 

Spamtar

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"Elaur, I noticed you emoting such honesty and sincerity in your post, it reminded me that you are such an honest and sincere person!"
^^^ one problem with inept practice of variations of reflective listening, lol

.... yeah, if I heard that too much, I'd strangle someone too. :dry:


;)

Grrr well there are aesthetic touches as well.:steam:
;)

Ha ha your statement Jen reminds me of a communications class taught by an uptight ISTJ I took. The basic point of the class was to avoid generalities like "You make me so mad", "Do I? you piss me off too". Instead we were taught to paraphrase everything to other person said. So when someone said "You make me so mad" the "correct answer was "I see, so what you are saying is that things do not create an environment for a positive mind set, is that what you are saying..." Drove me nuts. She gave me a B instead of an A because of multiple absences.:rolli:
 

Totenkindly

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your statement Jen reminds me of a communications class taught by an uptight ISTJ I took. The basic point of the class was to avoid generalities like "You make me so mad", "Do I? you piss me off too". Instead we were taught to paraphrase everything to other person said. So when someone said "You make me so mad" the "correct answer was "I see, so what you are saying is that things do not create an environment for a positive mind set, is that what you are saying..." Drove me nuts. She gave me a B instead of an A because of multiple absences.:rolli:

"I see, so you do not seem to derive a pleasurable experience from attending my class, Mr. Spamtar, is this what you mean to convey....? FINE. I'M DROPPPING YUOR GRADE!!!1!!1!"

<typos permitted to ride for maximum mirth impact>

Seriously, though, while communication tools such as these are helpful for avoiding large gaffs, they can also be abused and contribute to even worse forms of communication.
 

cascadeco

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It can only backfire if the compliment was intended to seduce the object.

If the compliment is simply unrestrainable appreciation of a quality found in another (with detection of an ulterior motive of course discluding it from this scenario), then the joke's really on the individual taking offense because they're not being open-minded. They are seeing the qualities being commented upon through their biased lense of life experience and are thus missing out on an opportunity to see themselves in a positive new light via the perception of another.

I think this is an interesting point. True sincerity vs. having an ulterior motive.

To the OP, hmm, I don't know. I can see how word choice could be important, as well as the personality of the person you're directing the comment towards - i.e. knowing them well enough to know whether they'd take said compliment the light you meant it, or not. But then you're back to disregard's point, where ultimately any offense taken by the recipient of the compliment falls on that person, not on the person who actually gave the compliment.

But anyway..an aside, I think I'd actually prefer receiving character compliments, rather than generic ones..I remember years ago when I was trying to make sense of my personality, I had no idea what my strengths were because no one had ever commented on my character. I didn't know WHAT people actually thought of who *I* was - what they perceived, what stood out about me. But yeah...to what other people have mentioned, the downside of that is that you might get a dose of being affirmed on traits you don't like a whole lot yourself, and don't place much value on; but I guess it ultimately provides a different perspective, and you can use that information as you choose; maybe it'll provide the impetus to actually push forth aspects of yourself you would rather other people see. ha.

I don't know if it's related to the OP, but sometimes I'll make it a point to compliment a friend on a trait that I truly believe they have, but don't think they give themselves enough credit for.
 

Zoom

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Just a thought, but: I have seen (and experienced) someone being complimented on the same thing time and again - which isn't bad at all, but after a while being told that one is "nice" or "cute" or "smart" can make them feel as if they are defined by that quality, or as if they are only that and not a myriad of other things. This doesn't apply to your friend, but the topic in general.

Also, the more ye know someone, the more specific and in-depth you can make a compliment - and that can mean all the world to the recipient.

"You're nice." vs. "The warmth of your smile and presence always makes me feel welcome. Thank you for that."

Many people don't necessarily want to be complimented on or noticed for what they obviously are - it's what goes unnoticed, what they might feel underappreciated for, that can make the most impact. Factual compliments may be easier, but knowing someone as a friend or lover makes it all the more possible for someone to give a meaningful compliment.

P.S. It is true that giving a compliment with an ulterior motive can be smelled a kilometer away by most, hence the phrase "to give a compliment", not "loan" or "barter with".
 

Totenkindly

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Yup, Winged... and in parenting classes/instruction, one is always advised to make things more specific with one's kids, rather than overall character quality traits. (it can be confining, put lots of pressure on the kid to perform, sets up some pretty intense judgments internally, etc.)

However, it's good as cascade said to offer those assessments from time to time, so one can see how one is being perceived broadly and then calibrate either one's view of self OR one's behavior.
 

Spamtar

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"I see, so you do not seem to derive a pleasurable experience from attending my class, Mr. Spamtar, is this what you mean to convey....? FINE. I'M DROPPPING YUOR GRADE!!!1!!1!".
:rofl1:

Yeah, thats about it, even after I tried to bribe her with an apple
:puppy_dog_eyes:
 

Zoom

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However, it's good as cascade said to offer those assessments from time to time, so one can see how one is being perceived broadly and then calibrate either one's view of self OR one's behavior.

I am working under the thought that if something is obvious about a person they've heard of it before, from strangers or those they know. I would not purposefully give or deny a general compliment, but was speaking on the original question (in terms of how one might help ensure a compliment is taken well and for its actual meaning).
 

Xenon

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But anyway..an aside, I think I'd actually prefer receiving character compliments, rather than generic ones.... But yeah...to what other people have mentioned, the downside of that is that you might get a dose of being affirmed on traits you don't like a whole lot yourself, and don't place much value on; but I guess it ultimately provides a different perspective...

Pretty much that. Compliments on character can have very positive effects, or very negative ones. It depends fully on what the person values, and it's hard to know that if you don't know the person well.

The word "docile"...I have a very hard time understanding why anyone would think that's a compliment. I'd probably have reacted the same way as proteanmix's friend. When I think 'docile', I think passive, meek, easy to be pushed around. 'Even-tempered' would have been something I'd have found flattering though. Maybe it was just a poor word choice on the complimenter's part; 'agreeable' might have been a better one.

People vary so much though. I've read online discussions about the word 'interesting' and how people perceive that as a non-compliment, something people say when they think someone is odd, or when they don't have anything better to say. Personally, I find that one of the most flattering things I could hear. So yeah, when you hit on something the person actually values, compliments on character traits can be great, but otherwise they can backfire.
 

kiddykat

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I tend not to take compliments too personally.. not unless if it's meant to define me in some way that I'm really not..

When I receive compliments, I usually take it with a grain of salt. Maybe that person's having a good day... Those compliments can easily change depending on their mood. So, I usually say thank you, and let it slide.

I find compliments in which if it's out of character for a person to say anything nice, or when someone does something that I've inspired them to do- I find that a huge compliment, but find that learning to humble oneself down is usually the route that's safer, because there's always someone else who's going to be better than me, someone more talented, etc.. Taking compliments too personally can be self-limiting when I feel like I have no need to push myself to grow/learn in different ways. That's what I'm aware of when I receive compliments. It's more of an external evaluation that has some effect on me, but ultimately, something I either choose to internalize or not. Maybe it's because I feel everyone has their own positive traits that I can also compliment just as easily as well, in an egalitarian kind of way? I think for some, compliments go a long way. For others, it probably relates to guilt/shame in their developmental stage? I dunno..
 

DiscoBiscuit

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For me at least, the only way for compliments to really work is if I REALLY mean them.
 

Totenkindly

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For me at least, the only way for compliments to really work is if I REALLY mean them.

Yeah, they come out like landfill in my mouth if they aren't heartfelt for me.
 

kiddykat

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I can't bare the thought of saying something nice about someone (even if it's about their shoes, hair, or kid), if I don't really mean it. It's like vomit in my mouth.

I have to feel it from within. Otherwise, it's like committing a sin to myself.
 
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