Raising Strong Children

[Ivy]

Lest I be misunderstood, I want to make it clear that I'm not telling my kids they're bad at anything. I just remember being praised for everything I did and it didn't ring true because there were things I KNEW I wasn't talented at, and would never be talented at. So I am not telling my un-athletic daughter that she's not athletic. I'm just not heralding her as the next Mia Hamm. I certainly don't want to discourage her from trying sports.

Fidelia makes an excellent point, and that is what I have tried to do--emphasize their character over their abilities or lack thereof, and let them own the motivation to build superficial skills.

 

[proximo]

I don't discourage my tone deaf daughter from singing for fun if she wants to, but I will and do discourage her from getting her hopes up about a career as a singer!

 

[Fidelia]

Of course you have to be realistic. I think though that unless a child shows signs of setting their heart on a --------- career, it seems a little over the top to remind them that they're no good at ------.

(However, regarding tone deafness, it usually is quite reversible as long as there isn't permanent damage from ear infections at a young age. The rest is mostly due to lack of exposure/practice. Some people pick things up more naturally, but everyone can learn).

 

[Charmed Justice]

Of course you have to be realistic. I think though that unless a child shows signs of setting their heart on a --------- career, it seems a little over the top to remind them that they're no good at ------.

I agree.
Some of the greatest successes were once the biggest failures, and I guess I'd prefer my child to grow up doing the things they love and are inspired to do, versus just doing the things that make them appear successful to others. I understand discussing alternative interest and making a living, or letting a child in on the facts,"Most people don't make it." But I'd only say those things for the purposes of loading them with more information to make decisions that they feel to be right for themselves. Not, as a means of dissuading them from pursuing something they love and are driven to do, even if their current performance is poor.

 

[wolfy]

I'd like my kids to be successful in the eyes of others and their own, in the things they love to do. There must be a balance.

I think it is useful to move from the domain of interest to the child's character. Their temperament and strengths. Every domain of interest is broad with opportunities for anyone with an interest in it.

So, I think that is a good place to start.

 

[Fidelia]

How old are your kids, Wolfy? Do you guys live where there are quite a few options for what they could pursue?

One of the biggest things I'd say that undermines confidence is being put in a situation before being properly prepared (even with extra margin). In the two areas where that happened for me, it took years to recover. I think the same goes for school - for a lot of kids (especially boys) they are sent before they are really ready to excel. One year for of time to play would have made them on top of the pile rather than on the very bottom. I've seen my brother's oldest boys put into situations they aren't ready for and it has had a very detrimental effect in their lives. The general rule of thumb I've found seems to work is keeping in mind the four stages of learning something:

1) Watching/listening/observing someone doing it.

2) Doing it with help. (Being walked through situations and only being given as much responsibility as they can handle successfully).

3) Doing it alone. (That involves being supervised at first and later on without supervision. This can apply to everything from music practice to a first job).

4) Teaching someone else to do it. (This gives children an interest in helping other people rather than becoming proud or competitive or hoarding knowledge/information. It reinforces the idea that if we have been given certain opportunities, it is not out of our own greatness that we had them and we have an obligation to pass them on. It also helps deal with the insecure tendancy to push other people down to feel better about our own performance. All of us have something to teach someone and something to learn. There will always be people better and worse than us and we need to be willing to share whatever we have, however great or small and continue adding to it. I think it also greatly develops comprehension, mastery and confidence to learn the skills to teach someone else something in a gracious way).

When people are rushed through these steps or miss one of them along the way, I think it really undermines confidence and makes it difficult to be successful or even if success is achieved to have positive feelings about it.

I think the more opportunities a parent can find to practice these steps with a child (even things like reading a map or mailing a parcel, or making something together), the more self-assured they will feel in a variety of situations, which gives them more confidence to embark on something on their own. I think also parents should look for other adults and well chosen older children who can pass along new skills. This allows the child exposure to things that the parent may not be good at, as well as giving the child a chance to learn graciously from other people than just a family member. It is possible that those people will see both weaknesses and strengths in the child that the parent has more difficulty seeing.

 

[wolfy]

How old are your kids, Wolfy? Do you guys live where there are quite a few options for what they could pursue?

My kids are still young. Nine and five, there are lots of opportunities to learn here. I find the topic of talent and skills very interesting, which is why I started the thread.

Isn't talent, skills, knowledge and our ability to express ourselves in the world an amazingly interesting subject? I think it is.

 

[Fidelia]

No kidding! My brother has 10 kids, so it has been very interesting to see the wide variety of types they are, as well as the combination of arriving very much as who they are, but having the chance to develop those strengths and shore up those weaknesses as well. I have often been in the position of kind of a surrogate parent to them. I also have found it so interesting as I have taught in different circumstances (both private lessons and teaching at school), because I have had to think about what ingredients make a child accomplished/successful, and what all is included in the definition of success. I've been in situations where parents are extremely solicitous, to the polar opposite where they are entirely uninvolved and that is fascinating to see what natural turn children take when left to their own devices. What Ivy said about how kids receive praise rings very true for me.

 

[cafe]

And if you have an interest in something there are many different ways you can use that interest in life. My younger daughter may or may not ever be a famous artist or have her own Manga series, but she could still do manga/chibi portraits of people at Cons or work as a tattoo artist to make money while she goes to art school or, if she loves it, as a career. It would be better than busing tables/flipping burgers while going to school/waiting to be discovered. She might teach art in a public school and do that stuff in the summer and on weekends. If you love something, there is usually a way to be involved with it even if you will never be a master. And it is so important to a child's identity to have something to be passionate about as they go into adolescence and young adulthood.

 

[Charmed Justice]

I'd like my kids to be successful in the eyes of others and their own, in the things they love to do. There must be a balance.

Oh absolutely. And yet, there are so many different ways to define success, and I think it's the individual who has to define that term for themselves.

 

[Fidelia]

All people need some degree of confidence before they are able to accept criticism. This means that parents need to supervise carefully and break things down into steps so that a child can experience mostly success. Then they are able to accept constructive criticism in the small areas where they need more guidance. We all need some degree of confidence too before we are able to spend time with people that know more than us without feeling threatened.

Parental confidence also is important. I think often when parents themselves are insecure, they either project their own fears onto their children and make them insecure as well, or they convey to the children that there will not be acceptance unless the child does well. When a parent is confident, they will also look for the best people available to teach their child. When they are not, they will go for mediocre because they are unsure of the child's abilities or are intimidated by the skill level of the teacher in question.

One thing I've also found with students that I've had - the parents who are more involved and see themselves as the teacher at home have kids who are much more successful than those who leave the responsibility to the kids before they understand how to go about practicing or breaking down a problem into manageable pieces. Even though there does need to be a handing off of responsibility along the way, I think the process is a gradual one. It involves discussing a plan and then checking in during the practice, or writing down on a chart what was practiced and what specific things the child was working on improving etc until that process is very instinctual and natural. A 10 year old usually has no idea of how to go about breaking the problem into manageable chunks and that is where an adults life experience comes in, regardless of their ability in a particular area.

When I am teaching kids we do a lot of work on figuring out:

1) Where am I experiencing trouble?
2) Which hand is causing the problem, or what skill am I specifically missing?
3) How could I isolate that skill before reintegrating it into what I am trying to do?
4) What are several different ways of practicing that skill to make things more interesting?
5) How can I reintegrate the problem spot into the rest of what I am working on?

 

[ThatGirl]

Raising a tough kid means raising them in an atmosphere of safe risk.

Children are mostly instinctual so it is not that hard to observe the right times to push the kid and the right time to soothe. If the child panics over a task you back off a bit, wait for them to calm down, and logically explain that the task is not as scary as it seems. If the child is not in a state of panic but being a wimp, feel free to challenge it and push them a little.

Another thing is to place broad boundaries of respect that allow for movement with out over dominating them on details. For instance areas where they can play with or do anything they like, but if you are in the dining room you do not touch. Letting them explore on their own. Letting them complete tasks on their own.

Today in the pizza shop I told my three year old to wait his turn in line then ask the girl at the counter for a to go box. It took him five times returning to the table before he got it down, but he was the proudest kid when he actually got the ladies attention and came back with one. The whole time we were there he was pressing to go into the small arcade portion, and I told him to wait. Then right as we were walking up to it, a field trip buss of kids swarmed the area and took up every machine. But I just gave my son 50c and said okay have fun. I positioned myself in an area where no one could come in or out without passing by me, knowing the area was secure for him to explore on his own. He got lost in all the big kids for a second then emerged and somehow took over the one game he had been wanting to play. After that I joined him on the game.

I guess making an atmosphere that is enforced by rules and boundaries, but encouraging the child to explore on their own. If they feel safe they will be confident, and you can guide it from there.

I guess the best way to create strong kids is to create the illusion that they have choice, freedom, and ability. Most of my parenting goes on behind the scenes. Creating the world he moves through, but allowing him to move at will.

 

[LostInNerSpace]

Kids are learning machines. They learn a lot by example. Parents should do as they want their kids to do. Teach them to strive for ever more improvement in whatever they are doing. They will learn the most by thinking for themselves. They should think, How can I do this better? What can I try next time? Teach them to think in questions. Always questioning. Whenever there is an major event in the world ask them why it happened? or Why those people did that? Don't answer the question right away. Let them take it away. Their minds will often do the homework automatically in the background. You can indirectly give them clues.

Example, you ask a question about something on TV. Later you can point to something else without directly linking it with the question. Then ask similar related questions crafted to teach something new or add a new perspective.