Help my future wife get a clue of social games more quickly?

[Ghost of the dead horse]

She used to have an abundance of stories going along these lines: I was in this job, which was filled with these no-good these and these, and I did my job. Then one day I was told I wasn't needed at my job anymore, as I had been supposedly doing this and this. (which wasn't the case). The one giving her in on bad job performance (or something like that) was lieing, most probably she was doing an okay job, perhaps very good job - just she was just not in terms with the one betraying her.

She has been the easiest person to point out, to single out as someone faulty, having taken the extreme minimal care of her relationships in the workplace, some of which would ensure she wouldn't be stabbed in the back.

She's handling her things okay in her place of education right now.

She's mad for few things.

1) She's not being noticed. For example, there was a bit of urgent situation in the work today. She tried to get her supervisor notice her, but the customer with fake ID got away. This happens all the time.
2) She does the official things required for many things, yet she's often told she doesn't qualify, she's being expelled, kicked out of work etc.
3) She's being told in many official situations how to act, what to do, what is the significance of something, etc. She does her thing, then notices that she's being demanded of something on the base of contract, law, etc. She's surprised to being demanded (or denied) of something that wasn't spoken of.

I've helped her out a bit and it's improved. But. More is needed than just my clue. I need a clue from you. She needs a clue from you.

Tested as ISTP, INTP, INTJ, she thinks her INTJ now. I believe it, she seems like that. I say this because I don't give much credit to the theory of type persistence, or exact, reliable methods to determine type.

For discussion about type, how would you think the (in)ability to resist social misinformation schemes is related to type, or is it?

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

Sorry, I am being harsh for I'm angry at how she were treated at the work, and I spent the night drinking with her.

 

[Mole]

She used to have an abundance of stories going along these lines: I was in this job, which was filled with these no-good these and these, and I did my job. Then one day I was told I wasn't needed at my job anymore, as I had been supposedly doing this and this. (which wasn't the case). The one giving her in on bad job performance (or something like that) was lieing, most probably she was doing an okay job, perhaps very good job - just she was just not in terms with the one betraying her.

She has been the easiest person to point out, to single out as someone faulty, having taken the extreme minimal care of her relationships in the workplace, some of which would ensure she wouldn't be stabbed in the back.

She's handling her things okay in her place of education right now.

She's mad for few things.

1) She's not being noticed. For example, there was a bit of urgent situation in the work today. She tried to get her supervisor notice her, but the customer with fake ID got away. This happens all the time.
2) She does the official things required for many things, yet she's often told she doesn't qualify, she's being expelled, kicked out of work etc.
3) She's being told in many official situations how to act, what to do, what is the significance of something, etc. She does her thing, then notices that she's being demanded of something on the base of contract, law, etc. She's surprised to being demanded (or denied) of something that wasn't spoken of.

I've helped her out a bit and it's improved. But. More is needed than just my clue. I need a clue from you. She needs a clue from you.

Tested as ISTP, INTP, INTJ, she thinks her INTJ now. I believe it, she seems like that. I say this because I don't give much credit to the theory of type persistence, or exact, reliable methods to determine type.

For discussion about type, how would you think the (in)ability to resist social misinformation schemes is related to type, or is it?

I am just wondering whether it might be better for her to find a job that suits her rather than trying to suit the job.

A professional assessment of her strengths then matching her strengths to a job might be the way to go.

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

I am just wondering whether it might be better for her to find a job that suits her rather than trying to suit the job.

A professional assessment of her strengths then matching her strengths to a job might be the way to go.

Good idea, she's followed some career advice, suitability tests and such to find a new field to work in. She's not qualified in there yet, and doesn't have almost any work experience.

For a while, she may have to work on jobs that are partly unsuitable for her - they could be made okay, if she knew how the game goes.

But yes, long-term & best solution is to work on future job that gives satisfaction & is a good fit for her personality. I think she has that.

 

[Mole]

Good idea, she's followed some career advice, suitability tests and such to find a new field to work in. She's not qualified in there yet, and doesn't have almost any work experience.

For a while, she may have to work on jobs that are partly unsuitable for her - they could be made okay, if she knew how the game goes.

But yes, long-term & best solution is to work on future job that gives satisfaction & is a good fit for her personality. I think she has that.

How lucky she is to have a future husband like you.

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

Bah, like anything actual is resolved yet. Future is future and now is now.

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

The OP sets up the situation badly. I should have had the clue before posting. I don't know what kind of a mood makes me write like this? Were I frustrated or something? Whatever, the stuff I wrote doesn't feel right. A product of an evening of drinking with a sad girlfriend, anyway.

So I'll have to approach this from another angle. I'll invent it when I'm more clear-headed.

 

[cafe]

I think I get what you are looking for, but I have not a clue. I am sure I will need to learn these skills when I reenter the workforce, but since I'm not planning on doing it in the near future, I don't have the motivation to research the subject. I'm guessing there are a fair number of relevant self-help books available, though.

 

[speculative]

Hi Santtu - I think I get what you're saying actually. It's hard to learn the unwritten "rules of the game," and sometimes people learn the hard way unfortunately. I just wanted to say that this seems like something that a number of people struggle with in the workplace...

 

[proteanmix]

Sometimes it's hard to learn the unwritten rules even when you're actively trying to learn them because they change as fast as you can blink.

I'll post more about later!

 

[PeaceBaby]

The first thing that comes to mind reading your post is the proverbial pecking order, which exists in our human interactions as surely as it does in nature. Have you ever watched a bunch of baby chicks grow from little peepers to mature hens? The dominance of the future hen "leaders" happens before the others even realize what's happening. And all of a sudden, they are the poor little ones being picked (pecked) on. Entering a new work environment can be like that. If you don't figure out the group dynamics and establish rapport with others it's hard to procure a good spot for yourself in the "order". Or at least ensure you don't become the scapegoat for the incompetence of others.

To your girlfriend, it seems like it should be good enough to just do your job and be recognized for a day of work well done. And I agree that should be sufficient, but it is unfortunately quite contrary to reality when others sense in you either a lack of confidence or authority. Part of what will help her move up the "pecking order" where she's not ignored or taken advantage of is:

1.) Make solid eye contact with others when speaking to them. Smile.

2.) I would guess your GF is soft-spoken - she needs to speak louder and get comfortable with it, with the sound of her voice. It's OK to be heard.

3.) Take an assertiveness training course. People subconsciously know what the human "pecking order" is and we carry that around in our daily lives. If she were to gain some extra confidence it would help all her personal interactions.

4.) You've rightly pointed out that human interactions are part of the issue here - as much as it might seem difficult or distasteful, your GF needs to watch others and figure out the dynamics of her workplace. You would be an excellent sounding board for this no doubt. Then, you can help her develop relationships and avoid future bad situations.

5.) Take a martial arts class - becoming physically strong enhances your mental strength too.

Ultimately, people will treat you as well or poorly as you give them permission to. I hope these thoughts help - and I send along to help soothe the frustration of the moment.

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

Very, very good Peacebaby, thank you.

She thanked me for some advice I gave her about speaking to CEO's on the phone. She got a good response from some CEO who wanted to hire new people, getting her a job interview. Your advice sounds great as well, it's about presentation and covering your back.

She's soft-spoken yes. Would you believe, she's a professional security guard (among other professions), though she neglects the profession. I'd think that helps feeling physically confident!

Then there's the social confidence factor, and then a factor of confidence not related to social things, but one against the inanimate world. Hmm.

But, thanks.

 

[LostInNerSpace]

Maybe she is just too "naive" for the games. People will promise this and that. People who believe all of the promises are without a doubt naive. She should test the water by asking from something. How do the people react when put to minor inconvenience?

 

[Saslou]

Santtu .. I read your first post and in my head i said 'ouch'.

I get where you are coming from and your concern.

I had the same problems with my ex. He came from Canada and was a cook to working in the UK for 6 years in mainly food management (one time retail management and that was the best job he had).
His problem and being an INTJ changing to INTP was that he went by the rules and in management and with people above him, the rules were bent from time to time. The staff under him loved him to bits for his easy going, laid back approach, management did not like his style of work even though it produced great results.
The final straw for him in the UK was getting sacked for gross misconduct. Now there is no smoke without fire as he told me, however, maybe it wasn't the profession he should of gone in even though he is great at motivating people.

I do hope your girlfriend is able to work through this.

 

[Spamtar]

Consider having her read "The 48 Laws of Power". The downside is that she may learn these amoral skills/defenses and apply them on you.

 

[SciVo]

I will tell you what turned me around. I was going through a period of extensive unemployment and watching more TV than usual. However, I was still a knowledge junkie and it was mostly PBS. So, there was this panel discussion at Harvard Business School with the CEOs of some major corporations. I just caught the end, where they had a Q&A and some puling little peons in the audience of pupils got to pose questions to people orders of magnitude more powerful than themselves.

The one that stuck in my head was where some schmuck asked what they thought about office politics, and the head of AMR Corp. (the parent company of American Airlines) totally smacked him down, negating the entire premise of the question. "Office politics is just what relationship management gets called by people who aren't any good at it." It hurt me to hear that, because office politics -- excuse me, poor relationship management -- was the reason why I'd lost my last job. But, what was heard, could not be unheard; and so I've devoted the last six years to improving my EQ, reading lots of different self-help books related to the subject in one way or another.

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

Head of AMR is dead on. For two years when I was depressed and had lost my common sense about human relations, or I was just too bitter about it to really get it. I thought I was being conspired against. Getting better, and getting a clue of how things should have been done, everything improved, with no kind of conspiracies against me whatsoever. There was none, there had been none.

I can get what kind of mental attitude he was criticizing.

Ok. She's not thinking she's being conspired against, she has a better atitude for that. But. That's good food for thought you gave.