Multiple Losses

[King sns]

Too many losses in a short period of time..
I'm sure many of you have dealt with it in the past.
Including: Death, relationship loss, job loss, friendship loss, pet loss, home loss, whatever.
What do you do to maintain normal day-to-day function?

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

I find what is the action most needed to sustain my life and well-being in the long run, as if I were planning the life for some other person.

At the point of some loss like that, I *am* that other person.

 

[Saslou]

Life goes on, no matter how much it hurts. Just got to keep plodding.

 

[Usehername]

I found it helpful to channel my struggles into talking it out with others (if only through email) and sharing my hurt and weaknesses. It strengthened the relationships I still had.

 

[Matthew_Z]

How do you NOT maintain day-to-day function? There is still always work to do. (namely, your life) If anything, loss is an opportunity, a chance, to change. To ignore this opportunity would be most foolish. While not always(if ever) preferred, loss is something to be embraced. The key is to keep on moving. (forward, naturally)

 

[poppy]

I have a really hard time remembering what I did when I lost someone...
Hmm...
Yes, I think I talked it out a little, on a forum specifically set up for the purpose of discussion of loss (I couldn't ever bring myself to talk to someone close to me about it). I think I just turned onto autopilot to get through the days though, and I let other people handle things like event planning and cooking meals.

You know what I hated though? I kept getting the advice "fake it til you make it". That's the worst advice ever in my opinion. You can't just act like nothing happened, even if you don't talk it out, you need to grieve in your own way. And for me that was wandering around like a sullen zombie, haha.

 

[Tallulah]

At a certain point, you can't. You have to realize that you'll need help and time to process the significance of the losses. Otherwise, you're just delaying the inevitable breakdown later. Try and talk to a counselor, and if you can't afford one, find a friend who's a good listener. Don't try and stoically keep going without dealing with it all.

I have a good friend who's had the following happen to her in the last six months:
Breakup of an abusive relationship
Dog died
Serious illness, resulting in loss of job
House burned down, another dog died, lost over half of possessions
Serious financial problems
Stress-related hair loss
Parents put in nursing home (1 with Alzheimers)

The list goes on. I think she copes remarkably well, and she does try and see the positives in the situation. But it's too much for one person to deal with, and she has some guilt on top of that. She talks to friends about it, but I really think she needs to see a therapist. With things like guilt, it's hard to believe a friend about what you should or shouldn't feel guilty about. An objective third party helps, and you don't have to worry about your friends getting tired of listening (not that they would, but people are always worried about that).

 

[Lexicon]

Initially I turned off emotionally to take care of others processing the same losses. It was more damaging in the longterm, obviously... the longer I delayed tending to my own wounds, the more immersed in other people's I became.. a sick, codependent symbiosis. I became the town emotional mechanic for others, a functional robot of sorts, and thought I was living, thought I was growing and moving forward. Really I was just a stepping stone for others as I spun my wheels in the muddy trench I'd driven myself into, more or less.

You think you see clearly.. that's the absurd..madness of it.. because you deny your pain. You think there's nothing distorting your point of view.. shock and denial are a dangerous, heavy, invisible fog.

I learned.. it took a lot out of me in the end, and a lot of mistakes to uncloud my vision.. I ran out of steam, really. Finally emptied out; the fuel gauge warnings lit up and I hadn't the energy to even care at that point. Systems fail.. and I almost completely gave up..
starting to rust all the way through, y'know.

I feel as if I'm waking from a long, dense sort of sleep, the kind where you know you slept for ages, though it seems as if you'd only shut your eyes. For a moment. And you're vaguely aware you dreamed- intensely- you traveled, stumbled through the darkest corners, screamed nothing into the void, chased the coattails of glimmers of dreamscapes ahead, lived and died over again; reached out through the universe and collapsed into yourself. soared and fell. You land on a mattress. You awaken haunted yet enlightened, depleted but driven. You can see the road ahead of you, finally.


I learned... Don't ignore pain. It exists to signal that there's something wrong. Acknowledge it. Work to heal it. If you don't know how.. you have to understand that's acceptable and seek guidance outside yourself..
I'm still trying to figure that part out. But I want, and I hope.. and I hold fast to that hope. There's a lot of work to be done, but it's not impossible.

Just try to pick up the pieces, figure out where they fit in your new sense of the world, and if they fit at all. Take your time in finding the links, the tools, so you get it right the first time.

 

[statuesquechica]

Wow, just reading through this thread immediately brought back visions of when my best friend (and co-worker) was killed in her apartment many years back. What has worked in the past for me is just letting the grief wash over me and not try to fight it. When the pain is that deep, I prefer to be alone and don't bother trying to maintain any semblance of emotional restraint. I cry and I cry and I cry, and I prefer to do it alone because I don't want to impose my grief on someone else, or have them worry about me. I find that by being able to express my loss physically/emotionally I am able to function better and get through my daily chores. I am, of course, exhausted following this, but I found it to be necessary for my grief to be processed. I also think it is important to maintain daily routines as much as possible; they can provide a sense or order and comfort.

I have a great deal of empathy for men because our society is so judgmental of them for expressing emotion. I know my father became physically ill because of so much stress/anxiety/grief following my mother's death and emergency personnel had to be called. I cannot imagine what it is like to have such a simple act of expressing grief be so scrutinized by this society.

 

[Saslou]

You know what I hated though? I kept getting the advice "fake it til you make it". That's the worst advice ever in my opinion. You can't just act like nothing happened, even if you don't talk it out, you need to grieve in your own way. And for me that was wandering around like a sullen zombie, haha.

I was told that by my doctor. Keep smiling as one day it will not be a forced smile but a real one. :rolli:

Although i get the logic behind it. She could of just said, smile when you are happy, cry when your sad then one day without you even realising ....... Blah, blah, blah.

 

[King sns]

I cannot imagine what it is like to have such a simple act of expressing grief be so scrutinized by this society.

So true

 

[WoodsWoman]

There is no recipe for grief - everyone does it their own way. No one can tell you how to grieve. ---It's both freeing and terrifying. And lasts longer than you expect. It's hard and you (I) want it to go away - to involve myself in anything that will distract me from my feelings, though I know some of those things would be detrimental in the long run and make it worse. So far I haven't gone down those roads - the worse ones.... I think...