"I'm Complicated"

[snegledmaca]

When people say that to me I see it as an insult. It's like a polite way to say to someone that their actions make no sense.

 

[substitute]

When people say that to me I see it as an insult. It's like a polite way to say to someone that their actions make no sense.

If I say it I don't mean anything like that at all. I just mean that they do make sense from my point of view, and that I can explain them, but that it'd take a long time and be boring/annoying/time consuming to the other person and not really worth all the effort in any case, since "understanding me" isn't something I consider is or should be high on their list of priorities when it comes to apportioning brain calories or time.

More usually though I'll say instead, but meaning the same thing, "I know it sounds funny but honestly, I know what I mean, trust me. I could bore you to death with an explanation but if you bear with me and trust me you'll see, it'll pan out and it'll all be clear."

But equally I could be said to mean something like "I'm not worth the effort and time, honestly." Perhaps I'm trying to put them off squandering their time on me.

 

[proteanmix]

If you're in a conversation with another person and you end up saying "I'm complicated" then from my experience the conversation was already moving in a direction where the other person is willing to hear the reasons for you (general you) being a complicated person. I still think it's a cop out.

As for the sheltered life leading to less complication (which I'm still not sure what it means), I know personally that although I lead a rather mundane life, I certainly was not sheltered growing up and I don't try to live in an ivory tower now.

 

[substitute]

If you're in a conversation with another person and you end up saying "I'm complicated" then from my experience the conversation was already moving in a direction where the other person is willing to hear the reasons for you (general you) being a complicated person. I still think it's a cop out.

It's not a cop out. It's a (however misguided or mistaken) attempt to sorta save 'you' from 'me'.

What goes on in my head is probably something like "Oh no, they're trying to dig into my personal life, they're probing into areas that are very intensely private for me and which I don't feel comfortable sharing because I'm not very sure of them myself, so it's difficult to talk about it without saying something stupid. They might think they want to know me now, but I know how this always goes - they always regret asking, and I always regret telling them, and they end up thinking I'm crazy - hell why wouldn't they? I am crazy!"

There's an element in it of not wanting someone to know me because I'm very insecure and quite sure that I'm not worth knowing and that if someone knows the real, inner me, they'll hate me or lose interest in me when they know how odd I am.

In other words, it's totally not about my estimation of the other person, it's more about my own low sense of self-worth, not being able to believe (due to being told it repeatedly through all my life) that anyone could really, genuinely like me for who I am or be interested in the real me, and that sometimes really good, really kind and great people give me a chance, but I feel guilty about taking up this good person's time that could be put to so much better use than talking about a waste of space like me.

As for the sheltered life leading to less complication (which I'm still not sure what it means), I know personally that although I lead a rather mundane life, I certainly was not sheltered growing up and I don't try to live in an ivory tower now.

I couldn't possibly comment on that. Not only do I not know you well enough to have any thoughts on it, but even if I did, I'm not a judgemental person. I take people as I find them and accept them for who they are, I've no problem with who anyone is.

 

[proteanmix]

It's not a cop out. It's a (however misguided or mistaken) attempt to sorta save 'you' from 'me'.

What goes on in my head is probably something like "Oh no, they're trying to dig into my personal life, they're probing into areas that are very intensely private for me and which I don't feel comfortable sharing because I'm not very sure of them myself, so it's difficult to talk about it without saying something stupid. They might think they want to know me now, but I know how this always goes - they always regret asking, and I always regret telling them, and they end up thinking I'm crazy - hell why wouldn't they? I am crazy!"

There's an element in it of not wanting someone to know me because I'm very insecure and quite sure that I'm not worth knowing and that if someone knows the real, inner me, they'll hate me or lose interest in me when they know how odd I am.

In other words, it's totally not about my estimation of the other person, it's more about my own low sense of self-worth, not being able to believe (due to being told it repeatedly through all my life) that anyone could really, genuinely like me for who I am or be interested in the real me, and that sometimes really good, really kind and great people give me a chance, but I feel guilty about taking up this good person's time that could be put to so much better use than talking about a waste of space like me.

Well if that's the case, then I'd think just say that or some abbreviated version instead of saying I'm complicated. I'd respect your wishes and wait until you were ready to say more or tell you that I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know. I understand that it's a way of protecting yourself because of past traumas and hurts and that level of self-disclosure requires a lot of trust in the other person.

I also understand the feeling of not wanting to unload on someone because you're not sure of their capacity to be sympathetic and non-judgmental. For all you know, you could bare your soul and they'd carry it back to others as fuel for the gossip mill. Why put yourself through that? I definitely see the reason for your reticence.

But I also think you should let the other person decide also. You're kind of taking the decision away from them. If you do choose to reveal yourself to them, hiding these things away is doing nothing but making a false presentation and impression of who you are. They'll find out eventually. In my mind, it's wiser to find these things out early, before you've gotten emotionally involved rather than later. But the thing is figuring out who can handle the "real" you.

 

[ygolo]

I thought of another reason other than a self-reference version of "It's complicated" for when I might use the phrase.

Would you rather hear:"You're invading my privacy. Back-off!"

I think that could be another reason. I usually say "I don't want to talk about it."

Though I can see using "I'm Complicated." But it leads to more questions not less, so it is not as effective as "I don't want to talk about it."

 

[proteanmix]

I thought of another reason other than a self-reference version of "It's complicated" for when I might use the phrase.

Would you rather hear:"You're invading my privacy. Back-off!"

I think that could be another reason. I usually say "I don't want to talk about it."

Though I can see using "I'm Complicated." But it leads to more questions not less, so it is not as effective as "I don't want to talk about it."

The best thing for me to hear is "This is a sensitive subject for me and I'm not sure if I'm ready to open up about it yet," or something to that effect. No need to be rude.

I will admit, I have a tendency to ask invasive questions. They're out of my mouth before I realize it and I have to disclaim what I say by, "If you don't want to talk about it, it's OK." But depending on the relationship and if the topic of discussion is causing trouble, I do hope (expect?) that the "complicated" person will be ready to talk at some point.

 

[substitute]

I do hope (expect?) that the "complicated" person will be ready to talk at some point.

They might be, but not necessarily to you. And it's often easier to actually 'come out' so to speak, to a total stranger than to someone I know well. Several theories as to why that is, but I can't say for certain.

Well if that's the case, then I'd think just say that or some abbreviated version instead of saying I'm complicated. I'd respect your wishes and wait until you were ready to say more or tell you that I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know.

But you'd be surprised perhaps, to learn that most other people wouldn't respect my wishes, and how can I know whether you will until it's too late? You don't seem to see the catch-22 - you're asking me to use trust to overcome the fact that I have a problem with trust!

I also understand the feeling of not wanting to unload on someone because you're not sure of their capacity to be sympathetic and non-judgmental.

No, it's not their capacity to be sympathetic, it's their capacity to like someone as screwed up as me! lol

But I also think you should let the other person decide also. You're kind of taking the decision away from them.

But why should it be their decision? Isn't it surely the one thing I do have the right to maintain as solely my decision: who knows what about me and how much I choose to share, when and with whom? See that's the problem sometimes - I get angry because I see the other person as thinking they have some kind of god-given right, or that I have some moral obligation to tell them this stuff that's totally private and none of their business really. And I wonder why the hell they want to know anyway - I don't go around prying and asking people personal questions, or pushing people to 'reveal' things when they're not ready, or putting people in positions where they have to feel like they're the nasty, rude, cagey one for saying they dont want to talk about something, so why do others do it to me? Why can't people just leave others alone and let them decide for themselves how much of themselves they want to share, and live with the consequences?

making a false presentation and impression of who you are.

Which is kind of the idea...

They'll find out eventually.

Doubtless. But that's not the main concern. The main idea isn't to not let them find out that you're not what they think you are, but to make sure they don't find out what you actually are. And for people who live peripatetic lives, that's quite an easy one to achieve, since nobody really gets time to figure out who you really are. No matter how much they may dislike the facade or the fact that you put it on, the thinking is driven by insecurity and is therefore irrational - they won't dislike it as much as they would the real me. Even if the real me isn't something really that bad - that's the point of insecurity: you think you're a worthless piece of shit, even if you know in your rational mind that it's not true, and are convinced that everyone else thinks so too - the only way to prevent that and maintain any kind of friendship or social life, and avoid rejection, is to not let anyone get close.

Just occasionally there's the odd person that everything just 'clicks' with, and I don't need to explain anything at all, they just seem to 'get' me without trying. They're rarely Feelers though, for me - almost always ENTJ's (except one INFP). Part of being a Thinker is that you don't need everyone to like you, or to like everyone. As long as you have your 'select few', whether those on the peripheries feel 'connected' to you is a matter of total indifference, as is what they think of you for your apparent aloofness. When I meet someone I can usually tell right off whether we're going to click or not, and if not, why would I waste my time just to make them feel fuzzy and warm and empathic inside?

There is also the more simple motivation for not opening up when you're a complicated person - the explanation would be very long, and entail me talking about myself for a long time - all the conversation turning to being "about me". For an ENTP, for whom arrogance and narcissism are major flaws and risks, I don't like to spend so much of my energy resisting those flaws, only to sink right into them again, thereby increasing my self-loathing, every time some well-intentioned ENFJ decides it's probing time, and their overactive Fe refuses to comprehend that someone just isn't interested in 'bonding' or 'sharing' and respect that they have reasons of their own, without feeling the need to speculate as to, and 'judge' those reasons!

You see? Complicated

 

[Rhu]

Hah. It does mean pretty much nothing. I could redefine this statement in a number of ways:

Belittling - "My motivations are complex and beyond your feeble imaginings, mortal. Do not question me, for I will do what I will and you will stand aside." Dismissive, selfish, slightly cruel. Questions seem to form a constant buzz of minor irritation in this person who is always right. Sadly, the lack of inclination or ability to teach is not within the purview of their greatness.

Misdirecting - "I'm complicated," could mean nothing of the sort. The subject could be completely transparent in their motivations and is frightened by some piece of insight. It could be some sort of reflexive an unconcious defense of their self-concept, or it could be a sort of machination in order to get you to question yourself.

Lack of self awareness - "Hell, I don't even understand what I'm doing half the time." Could indicate someone whose life is determined by rolling the dice, or that they are listening to quiet whispers of intuition from somewhere deep within the recesses of their mind.

Insufficient time/trust - "This is a really long, deeply personal conversation that I really don't want to have right now." It's a cop-out, but a fairly honest one.

Invitation - "This is a really long, deeply personal conversation that you may not want to have right now." Oh, they want to talk, but you're going to have to reach into their guts and pull that burning thing out of them, no matter how much it burns or how they wriggle and squeal. That, or it'll just flow out, but they want to be sure that you're ready to get into it, first.



Even if I were a complicated/complex person--in spite of regular accusations, I personally don't think I am; my motivations seem pretty straightforward to me--I would never bother to say something like that. One thing that all my interpretations have in common is that it places the utterer in a passive role, and sucks all the life out of a conversation.

 

[CzeCze]

From my experience I think telling someone "I'm complicated" is usually a presumptuous thing to say. Or even pompous. Like saying "I'm special. I'm different from everyone else. I'm so special and so different that a normal boring unspecial person such as yourself could NEVER hope to understand me. So I'm not even going to bother. You're not worth it and that's how complicated I am".

It sounds really high school to me, which is fine if you are still in adolescence because when you are in adolescence you are supposed to be basically emerging from your consciousness coccoon and realizing yourself and the world around you.

But, yes EVERYONE is complicated. Everyone is unique, different, special, etc. in their own individual, unique, different, special way. Even people who are direct and transparent about their immediate feelings and desires and seem like such simple people have complicated non-straight line idiosyncracies. That's why being human is so fun.

So in my POV it's unnecessary to say "I'm complicated" unless you are trying to make it a point to make it known you think you are different from everyone else and normal people can't understand you. Which again, is why I think it usually smacks of some kind of self-importance.

I agree with another poster. "it's complicated" referring to a situation I can underestand. Meaning it's too much trouble or takes too much time than you care to spend to get into it. Or is a caveat in case a person wants to explore further.

But generally I've found "I'm complicated" and situationally "it's complicated" to be conversation enders. As in the person saying it is trying to stem the conversation.

Edit:
And I agree that in regards to a specific conversation or topic "I'm complicated" can really mean "it's complicated" in which case I agree with most of Rhu's explanations above.

 

[hotmale]

From my experience I think telling someone "I'm complicated" is usually a presumptuous thing to say. Or even pompous. Like saying "I'm special.

Agreed. Usually I think women who are often overlooked or treated as sex objects use "I'm complicated" to rationalize why they make choices in their relationships.

 

[Cerpin_Taxt]

From my experience I think telling someone "I'm complicated" is usually a presumptuous thing to say. Or even pompous. Like saying "I'm special. I'm different from everyone else. I'm so special and so different that a normal boring unspecial person such as yourself could NEVER hope to understand me. So I'm not even going to bother. You're not worth it and that's how complicated I am".

It sounds really high school to me, which is fine if you are still in adolescence because when you are in adolescence you are supposed to be basically emerging from your consciousness coccoon and realizing yourself and the world around you.

But, yes EVERYONE is complicated. Everyone is unique, different, special, etc. in their own individual, unique, different, special way. Even people who are direct and transparent about their immediate feelings and desires and seem like such simple people have complicated non-straight line idiosyncracies. That's why being human is so fun.

So in my POV it's unnecessary to say "I'm complicated" unless you are trying to make it a point to make it known you think you are different from everyone else and normal people can't understand you. Which again, is why I think it usually smacks of some kind of self-importance.

I agree with another poster. "it's complicated" referring to a situation I can underestand. Meaning it's too much trouble or takes too much time than you care to spend to get into it.

Your just jealous because you don't have layers like I do.

I'm just gonna throw this out there, you can make of it what you will; but did ever occur to anyone that people who say 'I'm complicated' may well actually be complicated...it's just a theory and I cant explain it any better then that because well I'm complicated, so bugger off.

 

[hotmale]

Your just jealous because you don't have layers like I do.

Most women who have lots of layers usually tend not to advertise it straight away.

 

[wildcat]

I'm not really sure what people mean when they say this. I heard it again last night by a friend of mine and I puzzled a bit. Usually when someone makes this comment I find they're making an excuse for behavior that is misleading and contradictory. This is not indicative of complexity to me.

I consider myself transparent person, which means I don't try to hide or obscure the mechanics of who I am. When people say they're "complex" what do they mean? Is saying "I'm complicated" suppose to pass for self-awareness and introspection? Is it saying that I'm a deep and thoughtful person, or is is a warning that they're really self-involved?

That phrase is almost beginning to sound hackneyed like "I'm an out of the box thinker." No one really knows what that means, but nearly everyone thinks they do it.

It is a friendly way to give you an excuse.
A way of diplomacy.

 

[ama]

Usually people who say "I'm complicated" aren't really that different from anyone else; they just think they are. I've only heard the phrase being said by moody kids in high school, and they seemed to be looking for attention. If someone really IS layered, "complicated" and "deep," they are probably wise enough to realize no one else gives a crap, and won't say that kind of thing.

 

[Firey]

Besides the negative aspects, the words "I'm complicated" could also be used in a joking manner.

...I know because I've used it in that context before quite a few times. xD

Example:

Person: Why must you always blahblahblahblah?
Firey: I'm complicated. xP ...Nah, just joking.

^ Sure, it's stupidly simple, but it works.

"I'm complicated" can be used to dodge demands for an explaination of your character. Someone could ask what reasons you had for carrying out a certain action or for saying something and you could just say that you're complicated: eg, "I'm just weird that way, and it's all so messed up so I don't need to explain."

The manner in which someone says "I'm complicated" also matters. It's okay if a person uses the term as a joke. The trouble is when someone uses the term and really means it in a: "I'm spehshul, so complicated that pitiful mortals cannot understand me, so I can look down on everyone else." sort of way.

Yep.

 

[ladypinkington]

I'm a simple woman with complicated needs and my husband is a complicated man with simple needs.

 

[TenebrousReflection]

I'm not really sure what people mean when they say this. I heard it again last night by a friend of mine and I puzzled a bit. Usually when someone makes this comment I find they're making an excuse for behavior that is misleading and contradictory. This is not indicative of complexity to me.

I'm not sure how often I use that phrase in a self-referential way, but I do sometimes view myself that way (usually when I'm trying to find a way to articulate my thoughts for others). In context to myself, I would say it because, I really don't think like most people and to get people to understand me, it requires a lot of explanation as to how I arrived at my beliefs and why I feel as I do about certain matters. Looking at how I think is like looking at a complex if then else loop structure but instead of logic being the decision factor, feeling usually is so that takes even more effort to articulate into words and try to explain to others. This is further complicated by bringing in intuition inspired beliefs that even I can't explain to myself (I've learned to accept "it just is, don't question it" as an excuse to myself but its a lot more difficult to explain to others that I believe something with no reasoning behind it). When I do try to explain my internal thoughts to others, I do often get confused looks and it takes a lot of step by step explanation of my thought process and convoluted reasoning to get the message to them in terms they will understand (and even then I'm not so sure they are not faking understanding to shut me up). Rather than telling someone I'm complicated, I'm more likely to evaluate if they might be able to understand my thoughts and if not, just keep quiet unless directly questioned.

 

[chatoyer]

I agree with CzeCze

I've come to think of the self-referential statement "I'm complicated" negatively. It just seems like a pride thing, often uttered by NFs who are obsessed with identity, or Ns in general, feeling marginalized by all the Ss. And I'm guilty of it!

The height of this thinking for me was in college. I'm still initially attracted to the morally ambiguous, the artsy, the unconventional, the nonconformist, the well-traveled, the super-educated.

But now, as I gain more life experience, I'm really paying attention to and valuing people's character more........and there's beauty in being simple, doing the right thing.

I just went to a funeral of a man in his 60's who was called simple & ordinary by many standards--he lived an ordinary life, married his high school sweetheart, enjoyed good food, provided well for his family, cherished his guy friends that he played golf with often, went to church regularly . But he was extraordinary in that he was a man of great character--he was loved by so many people from all areas of his life--work, home, church, organizations.

I really admire that. And I think a lot of Ns can be critical of the SJs & the SPs who just do things, good things, we get caught up in how they could do it better, or that the organization is less than perfect, & we do nothing! It's easy to be a critic & not held responsible for our human, less than perfect actions.

/sorry mild rant-

 

[CzeCze]

I really admire that. And I think a lot of Ns can be critical of the SJs & the SPs who just do things, good things, we get caught up in how they could do it better, or that the organization is less than perfect, & we do nothing! It's easy to be a critic & not held responsible for our human, less than perfect actions.

/sorry mild rant-

I agree it's easy to be a critic. I'm a critic but I also think I'm a doer! I'm a winner!

Hahahaha. Seriously though, there is nothing worse than an apathetic critic...wait, that sounds like a contradiction in terms. But many of us are guilty of doing it at one point, some more than others. For some it's a state of being!

I don't understand why people are criticized for being of good character and old-fashioned or just literal. Almost above all else I value HONESTY and AUTHENTICITY. I prefer authenticity to originality, because frankly, 'originality' is subjective and frankly not everyone can be 'Original' with a capital O, nor should they. And I prefer honest kindness to smart-ass cutting remarks, no matter how witty they are.

I think it's funny because it's easy to couch this tension in terms of youth vs. maturity, rebellion vs. establishment. It reminds me how surprised I was when I learned how the traditional young white educated middle class American hippie or counterculturalist is also FUCKING FILTHY and don't get me started on the typical activist male -- can we say womanizer?

It's just hilarious to me how people who hang their hat on being so better than so different from than the establishment actually propogate and excercise the same things they criticize or else so clearly are just indulging in their own weaknesses and vices and then trying to make it sound noble by tacking a 'higher cause' to it. Not necessarily "I'm complicated" but "I'm COMPLEX, I'm new, I'm different, I'm a rebel, etc." No dude, you are LLLAAAAZZZZYY and exactly same as what you propose to hate you just have a different dress code.

Oh, how this makes me laugh.

I do respect and acknowledge the extremely small percentage of social justice workers, anarchists, radicals, etc. who really THINK and WORK outside the box to change society and institutions for the better. But this is a SMALL percentage of the much larger world of disaffected and posturing self-defined 'counterculture' types. I think there is a much larger and also more socially accepted and condoned contigent of 'traditionalists' especially religious affiliations who are more about comforting the sick and feeding the hungry than necessarily fixing the root of the problems of hunger and poverty nor are they really concered with 'changing the world' but god bless their kindness!

How was this related to the OP? It's funny how far off course you can find yourself 3 pages later when you start getting 1/2 a degree off course...

But um, let me bring it back to "I'm complicated" -- I don't think everyone who does this is fishing for compliments or is being pretentious. I think some people have really thought about it, or realize what a wide gap there is between them and the 'norms' of other people and they themselves are confused. So "I'm complicated" can just mean, "from my observation, I'm very different from other people and I don't quite get it either why that is, so that's my answer".

Wow, even I forget what my point was. Let's keep on track people! Hahahaha...