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(Love) shyness / dependence

hommefatal

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Apr 11, 2009
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938
It's really difficult to me to talk to people I like in real life. I always seem to idealise or demonise people. If I idealise them I fear saying something stupid/wrong towards them which leads to me saying nothing. If I demonise them I try to become their opposite which leads to me saying nothing as well.

If I am in love and they like me I take advantage of them and lose interest quickly.
If I am in love and they dislike me I am taken advantage of and am not able to abandon as long as they don't start acting like a total prick (because then I could demonise them).

If I'm sure they don't really like me I am afraid of them and my heart beats heavily.

I always run away from people I have opened up to except if they are like my slaves. I fear they could start a conspiracy. To be honest, there have been enough 'conspiracies' against me. Now the question is "How do you define conspiracy?". To me it's a conspiracy when people talk things about me behind my back and I don't know about it.
 

Little Linguist

Striving for balance
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Jun 23, 2008
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sx/so
It's really difficult to me to talk to people I like in real life. I always seem to idealise or demonise people. If I idealise them I fear saying something stupid/wrong towards them which leads to me saying nothing. If I demonise them I try to become their opposite which leads to me saying nothing as well.

If I am in love and they like me I take advantage of them and lose interest quickly.
If I am in love and they dislike me I am taken advantage of and am not able to abandon as long as they don't start acting like a total prick (because then I could demonise them).

If I'm sure they don't really like me I am afraid of them and my heart beats heavily.

I always run away from people I have opened up to except if they are like my slaves. I fear they could start a conspiracy. To be honest, there have been enough 'conspiracies' against me. Now the question is "How do you define conspiracy?". To me it's a conspiracy when people talk things about me behind my back and I don't know about it.

Well when I was younger, I used to run away from people who knew me too well, too. I think it was because I wanted to be a perfectionist so badly. Once people found out that I was flawed, I was nervous about meeting these people ever again, afraid what they might say - afraid of rejection.

Nowadays I realize that people have more pressing matters than freaking out over a little mistake I make. And if they do - screw them. Unless the person is your SO or your boss, let them go scratch their mad place. That took me a long time to learn though.

As soon as you learn that it's not the end of the world when people learn you have foibles (LIKE EVERYONE), you're not as afraid of opening up (though not too much, that much is right). In fact, they might be relieved that you, too, make mistakes.

It's a process of learning. :hug:

I wouldn't say that taking advantage of people or getting taken advantage of are good solutions though: they are too extreme. Try going for the middle ground - it's always best.
 

hommefatal

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Apr 11, 2009
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938
I wouldn't say that taking advantage of people or getting taken advantage of are good solutions though: they are too extreme. Try going for the middle ground - it's always best.
I tend to prefer those because then I don't have to think about it.

Changing that behaviour is rather difficult because it meets my self-image. Also, I am extremely moody. Most of the time I'm calm and relaxed and it's no problem to me to overcome problems but then there are those moods in which I suspect anyone of being evil. And I can only change my behaviour if I switch to a relaxed mood. It actually satisfies me to live out those moods rather than trying hard to overcome them. I don't like to feel good all the time. It's boring.
 

Little Linguist

Striving for balance
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It actually satisfies me to live out those moods rather than trying hard to overcome them. I don't like to feel good all the time. It's boring.

Well then, have at it! I just thought you were asking for feedback because this part of your personality was troubling you.

That being said, I think it does not bode well for long-term relationships to throw away people when something new comes around the corner, but I think that has a great deal with you being young and wanting to try new things/people/situations.

So do I, but I've learned that stability in long-term relationships (once you're a little older) proves necessary to have the strength to seek newness in other areas (like career, hobbies, etc.).
 

hommefatal

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938
Well then, have at it! I just thought you were asking for feedback because this part of your personality was troubling you.

That being said, I think it does not bode well for long-term relationships to throw away people when something new comes around the corner, but I think that has a great deal with you being young and wanting to try new things/people/situations.

So do I, but I've learned that stability in long-term relationships (once you're a little older) proves necessary to have the strength to seek newness in other areas (like career, hobbies, etc.).
Actually I like myself. I don't like it when people can't accept me the way I am.
 

Queen Kat

The Duchess of Oddity
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Apr 3, 2009
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If I love someone, I don't care about how he thinks of me. If he likes me to, then that's okay. If he doesn't like me or if he hates me, I don't care. As long as he is happy, I'm happy to. And if he's unhappy, I'm unhappy as well. I can sacrifice my entire happiness for someone without caring. Then I just completely forget myself. But if he doesn't mind, then I don't mind, because my happiness relies on him when I love him. And when I wake up from that whole love thing, I'm always shocked about what a mess my life had become. I lose a lot when I'm in love, but fortunately I can always remember the adventures that I had in those times.
 

Little Linguist

Striving for balance
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Actually I like myself. I don't like it when people can't accept me the way I am.

Oh I like myself, too. I've just learned not to care when people don't like me. That's hard with people you really care about though.
 

hommefatal

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Apr 11, 2009
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If I love someone, I don't care about how he thinks of me. If he likes me to, then that's okay. If he doesn't like me or if he hates me, I don't care. As long as he is happy, I'm happy to. And if he's unhappy, I'm unhappy as well. I can sacrifice my entire happiness for someone without caring. Then I just completely forget myself. But if he doesn't mind, then I don't mind, because my happiness relies on him when I love him. And when I wake up from that whole love thing, I'm always shocked about what a mess my life had become. I lose a lot when I'm in love, but fortunately I can always remember the adventures that I had in those times.
Oh. Crushes heavily influence my mood as well. But it's not like I act exactly like them. I am happy if they're nice and I'm unhappy if they're not.
Oh I like myself, too. I've just learned not to care when people don't like me. That's hard with people you really care about though.
It's not like I actually care. I just can't be alone. My mood always depends on the people I talk to. Many nice people means good mood. Many bad people means bad mood. It's almost scary. Once there are enough nice people again, I feel good again. If people I liked stopped talking to me I'd desperately search for a replacement.
 

entropie

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Ich glaube durch den Besuch dieser Seite hast du die ersten Schritte getan, dein Problem zu lösen. Nämlich was du hier über dich selbst entdecken kannst, kann dich zu dem Punkt bringen an dem du für dich sagen kannst dass du jemand bist und damit hättest du nie wieder das Problem, dass du dein Leben von Anderen abhängig machen müsstest.
 

Queen Kat

The Duchess of Oddity
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O my god. Right now I wish I didn't get in a fight with my German teacher. Maybe then I would be able to read that post before this one.
 

Fluffywolf

Nips away your dignity
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I think I can translate his german. This is what it says, I believe. (Correct me if I'm wrong, Etropie. xD)

I believe you took the first steps of solving your problem by visiting this site. What you can discover here can help you better understand yourself and remove the need to rely on others.
 

entropie

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Yes, sry I should PM such answers. Your translation is very good, the last part should have meant something like: "to be too highly susceptible to other people opinions about you"
 

Lark

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Jun 21, 2009
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It sounds like you're more other directed than inner directed, recognising that is a start, like what you posted demonstrates insight.

I'd keep a log and compare what is actually happening, as in what is known for a fact, with what is supposition, your own mind reaching conclusions ahead of the facts. It can work to identify and then overcome irrational, negative internal dialogue, it can be used for self-image, relationships, lots of things.

The problem is that people treat people as they have been treated by others instead of how they themselves would like to be treated, its a cultural thing, so it can lead to patterns of domineering or submissive behaviour, people play games or obey unconscious or semi-conscious internal scripts instead of being themselves.

I'm not master of this myself and I work hard to maintain an inner directed pattern as opposed to an other directed pattern of thinking and behaviour, I can fall back into the other directed sort easily enough. Neuro-psychologists would suggest its a result development I cant undo, my attachment style etc. which are stamped on my brain by now, all I can hope for is to cope well enough with it and realise others are the same, copeing with their own imprints.

I benefited from reading Eric Fromm's book Art of Loving, Fear of Freedom, To Have or To Be? on the one hand and Jung's perspective about seeking archetypes of maleness or femaleness in others. Just imagine that you could be drawn to someone not simply because they are who they are but because they represent Woman or Man to you, that's a hell of a big deal, likely to result in expectations no one could match.
 

hommefatal

New member
Joined
Apr 11, 2009
Messages
938
It sounds like you're more other directed than inner directed, recognising that is a start, like what you posted demonstrates insight.

I'd keep a log and compare what is actually happening, as in what is known for a fact, with what is supposition, your own mind reaching conclusions ahead of the facts. It can work to identify and then overcome irrational, negative internal dialogue, it can be used for self-image, relationships, lots of things.

The problem is that people treat people as they have been treated by others instead of how they themselves would like to be treated, its a cultural thing, so it can lead to patterns of domineering or submissive behaviour, people play games or obey unconscious or semi-conscious internal scripts instead of being themselves.

I'm not master of this myself and I work hard to maintain an inner directed pattern as opposed to an other directed pattern of thinking and behaviour, I can fall back into the other directed sort easily enough. Neuro-psychologists would suggest its a result development I cant undo, my attachment style etc. which are stamped on my brain by now, all I can hope for is to cope well enough with it and realise others are the same, copeing with their own imprints.

I benefited from reading Eric Fromm's book Art of Loving, Fear of Freedom, To Have or To Be? on the one hand and Jung's perspective about seeking archetypes of maleness or femaleness in others. Just imagine that you could be drawn to someone not simply because they are who they are but because they represent Woman or Man to you, that's a hell of a big deal, likely to result in expectations no one could match.
Well, I'd say it's more fun to be other directed. I really don't care what people think of my lifestyle. In my opinion it doesn't make sense to be nice to everyone. That way you miss recognizing who your real friends are. Eventually if it's all just a game, why not play it? Actually I don't really have a problem, it's more that either my schoolmates are brutally dishonest or I don't feel like talking to them because I realize myself they are not tuned-in but still can't stop it overnight. And they are all that anxious that they stop talking to me just because I said 1(!) thing they didn't like.
 

mortabunt

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Hommefatale, you're fucked up. And the crazy award goes to: hommefatale :hug:.
 
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