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Fear of Rejection

Kasper

Diabolical
Joined
May 30, 2008
Messages
11,590
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I’m particularly interested in NTs perspectives but anyone can chip in.

I'm wondering how big of a role fear of rejection plays in your relationships and what it stems from. NTs are notorious for withholding their deeper feelings from others and can take a long time to truly open up but shut down in a matter of seconds if the other persons reaction is unexpected or unwanted.

So what does it take for someone to get you to open up? What role does fear of rejection play in your relationships (not just romantic ones)? And how is this linked to your self image?
 

Anonymous

Member
Joined
Apr 23, 2007
Messages
605
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w6
I dunno, I'm not sure if I fear rejection as much as I fear failure. I think the difference is that with fear of rejection, you care about the other person's reaction, whereas with fear of failure, it's myself that I'm trying to succeed with. If I fail to connect with someone that I wanted to, I make a much bigger deal out of it than I should and beat myself up and such.

That said, rejection DOES suck, and I tend to try and combat it with preemptive strikes (cutting the person off before they can cut me off), which is unhealthy in itself.

What does it take to get me to open me up? Someone who demonstrates that they aren't as judgmental as I am I guess, heh.
 

Gengar

New member
Joined
Apr 9, 2009
Messages
71
MBTI Type
INFP
Well. . . I'm an NF.

In the old days, before I start liking a girl, I subconciously do some risk assessment; as in I try to calculate what my chances are of acception (not empirically of course). If the chances are too low, I'd just drop her and stop myself from liking her.

My justification: The results (as I would tell myself conciously) would be disastrous even if we did go out together. I'd say something like "The reason why your chances are so low is because you guys don't really match. Given that, any serious relationship in the long run can only be a bad one. Alternatively, you might also rejected, which doesn't feel nice. So it's a lose lose situation."

But if my risk assessment said that I had high chances of getting her, then I normally have no problems with rejection. At that point, rejection is like a needle. Before it pierces your skin, you psychologically think about how much it hurts. But once it actually stings, it doesn't really feel that bad. I've been rejected twice, and both times it wasn't THAT painful. But then again, this might depend a lot on the actual person themselves.

Hope this helps :)
 

Lacey

New member
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
392
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
6w5
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
Rejection is failure, to me. (In my irrational mind.) I really like most people, so it hurts when they don't like me back.

I go out of my way to avoid people. I especially do it with guys I have crushes on, but also with anyone who I have friend-crushes on. I'm just ultra-intimidated by soooo many people. I don't know why I put people on pedestals. Maybe because I think everyone is interesting (and I think I'm boring), so the people who are really interesting to me just blow my mind. Avoiding these kinds of people gives them no chance to reject me. I feel like I miss out on a lot because of this...

It usually takes me FOREVER to open up to people. It drives me absolutely insane, because I know this is a habit of mine, but I can't seem to break it. Forcing the process along just burns me out. There are some people I open up to really fast, because we just "click", but that doesn't happen often. And none of these people have been male.

I also have a pretty fun cycle I put myself through. Lately, I've been feeling pretty good, and I've been pretty damn outgoing for an introvert. But, the inevitable will happen: I'll do something awkward, someone will display a negative reaction, I'll blow it out of proportion in my head, and then I'll withdraw again for a couple of weeks/months. FML.
 

ring the bell

New member
Joined
Jun 10, 2008
Messages
332
I really do hate rejection. It's such a long progress within myself to shuffle through feelings, observe the situation, then put myself out there. It's makes it almost not worth the battle when I know in the end it's not going to end well. I usually end up sabotaging myself from the start. If I do decide to put myself out there, it's usually because I've read some kind of signal that it will be well recieved.

I think people just assume that everyone should find it easy to put themselves out there. It's just not an easy thing for everyone. It takes a lot of intense introspection on my part to halfway feel like I might be able to open my mouth and say the words. I feel my emotions so intensely within and the backlash of a rejection just makes it that much harder.
 

527468

deleted
Joined
Oct 22, 2008
Messages
1,945
I mostly fear self-rejection. There's no way I could be rejected by everyone anyway. I have no need to impress anyone. It's worth it when someone can see me for who I am, and that usually means they're smarter than the average joe.
 

Costrin

rawr
Joined
Nov 1, 2008
Messages
2,320
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
5w4
I desire intimacy, and yet simultaneously fear trying to attain it. Why? Not quite sure honestly. It may be a fear of rejection, though I think it's slightly different. When I reveal myself, I make myself vulnerable. I have a vague fear of what they will do. I actually think it's maybe a social fear. Fear for my social image, maybe? Perhaps related to inferior Fe. Perhaps related to 5 types desire for competence. If you try something and fail, then you have shown yourself to be incompetent.

So I'm not really sure.
 

LucrativeSid

New member
Joined
Oct 20, 2007
Messages
837
Right off the bat, I can't really think of anything to say. I don't think fear of rejection is much of a problem for me. Let me think further.

Looking back, I haven't experienced a great deal of rejection in my lifetime. That's probably why I'm not that afraid of it. The number of people who've accepted me has always, by far, outnumbered the number of people who haven't. It's possible that I'm just being too optimistic and naive about that fact, but I don't think so. Even if I was, at least I'm happy with my level of acceptance!

I'm usually pretty open with people right away unless it doesn't make sense to be that way. I speak of myself objectively, so even if I share the most intimate details, it usually doesn't feel personal to me. If it does feel personal, I keep going anyway. I like to be real first - and then deal with the consequences. If I ever do feel a bit of fear, I just become more cautious, but I still stay real and still keep on moving forward. I really can't be that afraid of what one person will think. If I a little timid, the more I share, the better I feel about it, because it's much easier to be rejected because of who I am than it is to be rejected because of a misinterpretation.

I can be sensitive about things, but I usually just deal with those issues if they come up. I either rationalize it in my head and move on or I deal with the matter externally without becoming too moved by it.

I can love all people and be completely open with them, but it may take a year before I actually feel close to them. That's probably just because I'm independent and don't form attachments easily. For romantic relationships, I know who I am and I'm pretty cool with it. If a person left me because of who I am, it wouldn't really change my opinion of myself. I would, however, examine why they left me because I can still always be better. Maybe they've given me a departing gift by telling me something I didn't realize about myself.

However, if there is some more to this fear of rejection stuff within myself, I'd love to discover it. If I'm only fooling myself, or missing something important, that would be cool, because that would mean I have more opportunities hidden away still.

In general, though, I'd say if I ever have fears of rejection, they are smaller than my desire to connect with people, explore new territory, and challenge myself, so the fear never stops me from moving forward.
 

Costrin

rawr
Joined
Nov 1, 2008
Messages
2,320
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
5w4
Looking back, I haven't experienced a great deal of rejection in my lifetime. That's probably why I'm not that afraid of it. The number of people who've accepted me has always, by far, outnumbered the number of people who haven't. It's possible that I'm just being too optimistic and naive about that fact, but I don't think so. Even if I was, at least I'm happy with my level of acceptance!

True somewhat for me. Also it's ironic how (at least in my experience and my reading) those who fear rejection the most are the ones who get rejected the most. A self-fulfilling prophecy. When I go out of my way to meet people and talk to them, they usually end up liking me. When I don't, then they are more likely to attribute negative qualities to me.
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2007
Messages
7,263
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
I have an intense fear of rejection. It makes it very hard for me to trust and open up, and I never notice how closed/distant I've been until the second I actually end things. That second, I suddenly rush back into my body and feel like myself, joking, being happy, and actually creating intimacy. Normally, I am too depersonalized to make a connection.

Who do I bond with? People who are kind and secure. Kindness is more important. People who are secure and at ease are people who effortlessly flow from one moment to the next. They can lead the conversation and also relax. Then can also be silly and laugh at themselves. It also really helps when the person is good at putting awkward moments back on track to avoid what I call "role confusion" after a rupture in the relationship.

Cheers, big ears!
 

jenocyde

half mystic, half skeksis
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
6,387
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w8
I have an intense fear of rejection. It makes it very hard for me to trust and open up, and I never notice how closed/distant I've been until the second I actually end things. That second, I suddenly rush back into my body and feel like myself, joking, being happy, and actually creating intimacy. Normally, I am too depersonalized to make a connection.

Who do I bond with? People who are kind and secure. Kindness is more important. People who are secure and at ease are people who effortlessly flow from one moment to the next. They can lead the conversation and also relax. Then can also be silly and laugh at themselves. It also really helps when the person is good at putting awkward moments back on track to avoid what I call "role confusion" after a rupture in the relationship.

Cheers, big ears!

Wow, you sound like me.
 

professor goodstain

New member
Joined
Feb 14, 2009
Messages
1,785
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7~7
I don't mind rejection. However, is this possible. As an intuitive a sensor would give me one of those subtle sensor signs if interested. I would still not catch on during this moment of first encounter. If the interest was big enough she would instinctively try different signs until one registered. Time permitting and level of frustration developed in her due to my blindness. It's at this moment of the exact time i catch on and the point at which my blindness enduces enough frustration in her that makes or brakes her response of receptiveness. If she's pissed enough i'll get a "no" and simultaneously think that i initiated the flurtatious introduction through signs. And wonder off stupified. But i've caught the signs through the observation of the consistency of this quick evolution of sign morphology when she attempts to locate what will be receptive to me. Inturn, literally pulling intuition right out of her. That could be where the confidence lies. In our own method of receptiveness. This also could work the other way around. I could imagine if i was a senser going through the sign morphology until one registered.

Remember, It is the quick spotting of the quick morphological evolution of sign switcharoo to fit my receptiveness that gives me the signal. If i spot it before it leaves due to enough frustration is when i usually won't be rejected. Thus, i fear not spotting the morphology more than rejection. What was the subject?
 

Costrin

rawr
Joined
Nov 1, 2008
Messages
2,320
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
5w4
Hmm....
I sorta feel like if anyone got to know me well, than they would like me. But I kinda have a fear of being misunderstood. As if people will misinterpret my motivations for doing things. If I invest in someone, I want to be understood, but there is a fear that I won't be, so I don't invest.

Eh, it's likely a complex combination of a bunch of stuff.
 

LucrativeSid

New member
Joined
Oct 20, 2007
Messages
837
I feel like a swirl of awesomeness that surrounds my "self" and my body. No, no, that's the funny/pompous way to put it. More accurately, I end up feeling like I'm in a state of flow, or I go into a separate space that is not myself directly. When I do this, I imagine that the people I'm talking to are doing the same thing, so even if I'm talking about myself, its not weird, because I'm not "me", and the person I'm talking to is not "them". We end up being something entirely new, and in that space, we are one, and it doesn't matter how different our actual separate selves are.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in my imagination, the two humans are very objective about each other, but the two swirls of awesomeness are very much connected. They are very much flowing together.

With a lot of people, I connect up with their flow of awesomeness right away. I mean, we're all human and we all have one! But, that doesn't always manifest into something you could observe just by watching the two humans interact.

The reason I'm sharing this is because in my mind it's not very personal - it's universal, so the connection can still be made. I've never expressed this before so I hope it's not too confusing.
 

Kasper

Diabolical
Joined
May 30, 2008
Messages
11,590
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
9w8
Instinctual Variant
so/sx
I dunno, I'm not sure if I fear rejection as much as I fear failure.

Rejection is failure, to me. (In my irrational mind.)

Interesting. It's not something I associate with failure, moreso exposure. I'm happy to fail at anything and continue to try it's a fear of reaching out and showing my true self to be rejected that gets to me. Actually being rejected doesn't even bother me so much, more the unfounded thought that I may be.

I have an intense fear of rejection. It makes it very hard for me to trust and open up, and I never notice how closed/distant I've been until the second I actually end things. That second, I suddenly rush back into my body and feel like myself, joking, being happy, and actually creating intimacy. Normally, I am too depersonalized to make a connection.

Yup. I get that. Sucks don't it! I find I spend too much time worrying about being everything to everyone out of fear of rejection that I'm rarely myself as a result. It's not that I'm fake, just always on guard, ready to bolt.

Wow, you sound like me.

That's cause he's one of us ENTPs :)

I'm wondering how big of a role inferior Fe plays here?
 

Costrin

rawr
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Nov 1, 2008
Messages
2,320
MBTI Type
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5w4
Actually being rejected doesn't even bother me so much, more the unfounded thought that I may be.

Indeed. Rejection is actually fairly easy for me to shrug off, but I still have an irrational fear of it anyway.
 
Joined
Jun 6, 2007
Messages
7,312
MBTI Type
INTJ
I'm not sure I have a fear of rejection, even though someone observing my behavior would probably say that I do. I think I have a fear of acceptance, as odd as that sounds. I like being able to hold people at arm's length, and if I ever really connected with someone and built a relationship, I would no longer be able to be an island.

Fear of acceptance and fear of rejection would probably both manifest the same way - withholding feelings, being wary of opening up, shutting down at the drop of a hat.
 

Fluffywolf

Nips away your dignity
Joined
Mar 31, 2009
Messages
9,581
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
9
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I do have a fear of rejection. But it isn't a fear that drives me to anything. It isn't strong enough to stop me from doing something and when I do get rejected I get over it pretty easily.

I think it's a healthy fear. It's sort of a form of excitement.
 

ThatsWhatHeSaid

Well-known member
Joined
May 11, 2007
Messages
7,263
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Wow, you sound like me.

I think it's common for ENTPs to feel depersonalized. In fact, I would guess that anxiety and depersonalization helps them watch the world run and link it up, which might be why they later get classified as NeTi, hence ENTP.

Just a thought.

I'm not sure I have a fear of rejection, even though someone observing my behavior would probably say that I do. I think I have a fear of acceptance, as odd as that sounds. I like being able to hold people at arm's length, and if I ever really connected with someone and built a relationship, I would no longer be able to be an island.

Fear of acceptance and fear of rejection would probably both manifest the same way - withholding feelings, being wary of opening up, shutting down at the drop of a hat.

That's interesting. At first I thought that making yourself into an island is a defense mechanism, but I started thinking about it more and I kind of see where you're coming from.
 

wildcat

New member
Joined
Jun 8, 2007
Messages
3,622
MBTI Type
INTP
I’m particularly interested in NTs perspectives but anyone can chip in.

I'm wondering how big of a role fear of rejection plays in your relationships and what it stems from. NTs are notorious for withholding their deeper feelings from others and can take a long time to truly open up but shut down in a matter of seconds if the other persons reaction is unexpected or unwanted.

So what does it take for someone to get you to open up? What role does fear of rejection play in your relationships (not just romantic ones)? And how is this linked to your self image?
Ultimately the NT is not afraid of the rejection of the other person.
Guilt is not found in the other. It is a home base.
 
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