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For Females: Unanticipated Flattery

Generally what's your first internal reaction to unsolicited praise about appearance?

  • (swoon) Hey, don't stop there, keep going!

    Votes: 3 6.8%
  • You know, I could really start to enjoy this!

    Votes: 13 29.5%
  • Okay, I'm flattered... but I'm *really* trying to get something done right now... so please move.

    Votes: 21 47.7%
  • How transparent! Go away, pig!

    Votes: 7 15.9%

  • Total voters
    44

targobelle

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Fortunato can you add another option for some of us.

Since I am not use to flattery and am not expecting it, it comes as a shock.

I think for myself b/c I grew up very sheltered and protected (my brother would have killed many for the mere glance my way) I just kinda shy away from attention and tend to not really notice it. That's not to say it doesn't happen. I just tend to be oblivious to it.
 

HilbertSpace

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I guess when it comes to compliments on my mind, I really don't 'need' those emotionally. Still, they do mean a great deal coming from someone I respect. I'm not as secure about my looks as I am my mind, so the shallow compliments are more useful to me there. I

That's interesting - I think there's a dichotomy here. Some people seem to say that they don't feel that they are particularly attractive/intelligent, so they tend to be suspicious of compliments. You're saying that you devalue compliments on your intellect because you already know that you're intelligent, but value them on your looks.

If the complimenter also has that attribute, would that increase the value of the compliment?

Dude, then am I a man or something? Direct and sincere is exactly what I look for. That's different than entitled, needy, and controlling.

Erm, you did use a male orangutan in your profile picture. Maybe there's some confusion there, Dr. Zaius.
 

outmywindow

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There isn't an "extreme discomfort" option in the poll. It's not that I think the person is overtly lying to me or has ulterior mtives, it's just that I think they're nuts. I don't know how to respond positively to something I don't really think is there, but at the same time I don't want to say "Oh, no, that's ridiculous" because then I might sound like I'm coyly fishing for compliments. Basically, I think I just have the typical INTP response to any kind of complimet/flattery.

Oh, and I don't think a man has ever said that kind of thing to me (creepy men at bus stops talking about my breasts don't count). It's usually female friends/coworkers. Or sometimes my mom.
 

Economica

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All right -- to expand a little, how about in welcome threads or "What We Look Like" threads?

There, I suppose you have more control over how you present yourself and whether you even bother, so you're prepared for a potential post like "OMG UR so HOT!" or whatever else.

Does it ever get old after awhile, or does it feel like people are just reacting to what you look like, rather than "you" per se?

Sincere and non-creepy compliments are always nice to get. If a (rare) woman dislikes attention to her looks (a woman battling a past of incest, say), she won't be seeking it out by dressing provocatively or by posting her picture in a forum.

However, that said, if the guy's agenda happens to be to get the woman to want him, he should keep his opinion of how hot she is to himself. NOT complimenting a pretty woman is a strong move that separates a guy from the pack of her drooling suitors and makes him more challenging in her eyes (which is a good thing - women want men they can't control).
 

Siúil a Rúin

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That's interesting - I think there's a dichotomy here. Some people seem to say that they don't feel that they are particularly attractive/intelligent, so they tend to be suspicious of compliments. You're saying that you devalue compliments on your intellect because you already know that you're intelligent, but value them on your looks.

If the complimenter also has that attribute, would that increase the value of the compliment?
Compliments on my brain from people who have earned my respect mean a great deal to me. Intelligence is more intrinsic because the proof of it has more to do with ones ability to comprehend and interact with the objective world. An experiment can be proven without any social approval.

Attractiveness is subjective. It is measured by its impression on others. I could think myself gorgeous, but if no one else in the world agreed, what would that mean? My attractiveness is defined by its impression on others.

Does that distinction make sense?

Erm, you did use a male orangutan in your profile picture. Maybe there's some confusion there, Dr. Zaius.
Now do you see why I'm insecure? :cry:
 

targobelle

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Having someone compliment you for your thoughts, your ideas and your mind is much much much more powerful than having them compliment your looks. I have had that happen to me a few times and it is an unbelievable rush.
 

Shimpei

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Unanticipated flattery without a sexual overtone makes me go weak in the knees in case it doesn't come from stinky, dirty and toothless men.
 

targobelle

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having someone compliment your mind is powerful b/c it's who you are. I mean to look at me, they aren't gonna know me, but to hear me.... well it's incredible.
 

HilbertSpace

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Compliments on my brain from people who have earned my respect mean a great deal to me. Intelligence is more intrinsic because the proof of it has more to do with ones ability to comprehend and interact with the objective world. An experiment can be proven without any social approval.


Does that distinction make sense?

Yes, I can agree with this. The person standing next to you in Border's saying that you must be smart because of all those books you have would matter significantly less than someone who is themselves quite intelligent (in your estimation) making the same statement based on what you said - so it's both based on the standing of the individual, and what they're using to make their decision.

My favorite one along those lines was when Murray Gell-Mann said of someone: "Oh, is he that young guy with those crazy ideas? He may not be wrong!"
 

meshou

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I'm not really comfortable with compliments from anyone who doesn't know me, and I'd rather it be relevant to that particular moment. Like if I changed clothes, go ahead n tell me I look good. If I did good work, sure, tell me. If I made you laugh, sure, tell me I'm funny.

But please don't gush and please don't make it entirely out of the blue. It's awkward.
 

Totenkindly

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I could add more options to the poll, but I think it kills the prior answers. (Not sure yet.) So y'all would have to vote again.

What, are you just looking for two additional ones:
* My stomach gets squeamish just thinking about it
* What? Did someone compliment me?

Erm, you did use a male orangutan in your profile picture. Maybe there's some confusion there, Dr. Zaius.

Now do you see why I'm insecure? :cry:

What I, uh, see is that, uh, you .... *REALLY* need a shave.

cafe said:
I think I look like Eliza Jane Wilder from the Little House TV series.

Eliza! I forgot all about her! (btw, have you ever seen Nellie nowadays, or her little clone? And Mrs. Olsen was a real trip.)

I can see why you say it... but you're definitely on up on 'er.

economica said:
However, that said, if the guy's agenda happens to be to get the woman to want him, he should keep his opinion of how hot she is to himself. NOT complimenting a pretty woman is a strong move that separates a guy from the pack of her drooling suitors and makes him more challenging in her eyes (which is a good thing - women want men they can't control).

I am conjecturing that some types of women enjoy the comments because those are the type of men they are looking for -- straight, to the point, not a lot of style, pretty simplistic. Other women think it's classy for a guy not to go the overt route and deal with her as a person/mind/whatever first. So they would be extremely unhappy with the other sort of guy... and those guys would probably be disappointed as well in a relationship with such a woman.

I guess it's like self-selection at work, but I guess HS can comment more on that.
 

faith

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If the compliment sounds genuine and impulsive, I appreciate it--even if it sounds sort of funny because the person didn't take the time to think it through.

I often think complimentary things about other people, but there's some filter on my tongue that requires me to think through every darn thing before saying it. By the time it gets past the filter, I've thought of half a dozen reasons why I shouldn't say it, and half a dozen why I should, and I'm frustrated because I wish I could have just said it when it crossed my mind.

When someone blurts out, "What a beautiful blouse!" or "Wow. You have amazing eyes," and it's obvious that they were just saying it because it's what they think and they aren't expecting any particular response from me, then it makes me happy. On the other hand, a compliment from a stranger followed by, "Want to go get coffee?" irritates me for some reason. As though the fact that I have a nice shirt or nice eyes obviously indicates I'd be an enjoyable coffee-companion. I dislike the implication that someone is judging me based on my appearance (even if they're right and it's an effective way to judge people...). On the other hand, if I were in a check out line at a bookstore, and got to chatting with someone about books, and we started sharing thoughts, and then he said, "You have some great ideas. Want to get a cup of coffee and continue the discussion?" I'd probably be flattered.

I don't appreciate flattery with sexual undertones from a stranger. (example: "You look amazing in those jeans.") But it could be very nice from a friend.

As for posting a picture on a forum, I generally don't post one until I'm confortable in the community. There's always the option not to post a pic, but in real life there's hardly the option of being invisible. If I join a forum and post a picture, that's a good indication that I don't mind remarks about my appearance.
 

Lookin4theBestNU

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I'm wondering if flattery from other women gets run through a different set of filters.
I am much more distrustful of other women because of how I grew up. I can't seem to discard that bias no matter how irrational it may be. My sincerity filter is on the max setting. I wouldn't say that I give flattery to women. I know if I jump the hurdle to give a compliment that for certain you can rest assured that I meant it.
 

Siúil a Rúin

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:blush: Not creeped out (yet, and I love that song, lol), but embarrassed. I think I look like Eliza Jane Wilder from the Little House TV series.
lucy.jpg

Silly, silly girl. First you have to own a dorky hat and start grimacing all the time. There are only a few similarities I detect in the actual lines of her face. Your cheeks are infinitely better lil chicky doodle. Perhaps Eliza could be transformed into a hot rocket mama? Let me try out a few things on her and then we'll cast the votes.
Yes, I can agree with this. The person standing next to you in Border's saying that you must be smart because of all those books you have would matter significantly less than someone who is themselves quite intelligent (in your estimation) making the same statement based on what you said - so it's both based on the standing of the individual, and what they're using to make their decision.
I generally take any compliment as a nice gesture, but simply a social gesture. It can feel good that someone has good things to say, whatever those be.

It's important to me to not base my own concept of my mind on the approval of others. The mind is proven to be very flawed, mine included. There is some value in not placing importance on subjective measurements of it. That is also why the respect of people more intelligent takes on importance, especially when they have proven themselves to be a more capable judge of things.
 
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