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  1. #51
    Now with less salt. Methylene's Avatar
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    Luckily, yes.
    I used to be much more shy, anxious and closeted. It's being a journey to balance that part of me and the impulse to be loud, do anything I can not to be alone and deep down a need for sociality.
    I've found out that surrounding myself with people similar to me helped a lot in getting out of my shell.
    I also used to have the worse self esteem until a few years ago. Now it has finally reached a "normal" level.
    I don't think that it's so personal
    Anymore
    I don't think that it's irreversible
    Anymore
    Sometimes I feel like I'm a sentimental trooper.

    6w5 - 3w4 - 9w8 so/sp
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  2. #52
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    I changed a lot in the last two to three years.

  3. #53

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    Yup. I'm far less likely to put up with people's horseshit. Life's too short.
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  4. #54
    Habitual Fi LineStepper JocktheMotie's Avatar
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    I feel largely the same, just far more low energy. Which was already pretty low to begin with.

    But I'm sure that I have.


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  5. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by JocktheMotie View Post
    I feel largely the same, just far more low energy. Which was already pretty low to begin with.

    But I'm sure that I have.
    I can relate to this.

    Although I wonder is it getting older, its how I feel offline too, if that makes sense. Like I dont think its unrealistic or impossible to say that you feel differently online to offline and that there can be some kind of splitting off of the experience of one from the other.

  6. #56
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    yes

  7. #57
    Amethyst's Queen ♚ Bismuth Blitz's Avatar
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    I have, and not even in a good way for the most part. As a child I was much more outgoing. I was still an introvert at heart, but I could actually speak up, go up and talk to people willingly. Teach, look how at how great my handwriting is! Teach, my pen pal and I have so much in common! Hey you, want this magic wand I made out of a straw and a sticker gem! It's hard to even start a conversation with my family nowadays because of my shyness.

    I was also more feisty and assertive too, which I'm not sure is a good thing or a bad thing. Like I got into a fight with a neighbor in 4th grade, stood up to my mother more, and had a phase where I corrected everyone's grammar on the internet. Over time I became more chilled out, which is a good thing I'd say.

    I also feel dumber then my younger self. I went from being labeled the smartest in my class to making typos constantly and being awkward in conversation because I can't come up with a reply. Also younger me was doing crafts, making OCs, drawing more and making her own jewelry. I've always liked those things, but over time I just lost the inspiration unfortunately. I'm working more on my art though these days though. Lol, why did I become such a disaster?
    When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep
    Drive on engines 'til they weep
    With future pixels in factories far away

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  8. #58
    Senior Member Tina&Jane's Avatar
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    I think I’ve changed in several ways over the last couple of years, which has been an uncomfortable but necessary process. Uncomfortable because many of the experiences that have elicited change were brought on by periods of significant stress, and necessary because I think the changes have led to better self-awareness, self-assurance, and a more understanding view of other people. I have a tendency to feel like I lost certain aspects of myself when I was a teenager, mainly a boldness that was strong when I was a kid. I also wasn’t particularly reflective or introspective (this didn’t really develop until I got to college), so I don’t remember having a strong identity. I think I was kind of blah and not a very interesting person (sucks to admit, but it is what it is), or at least had a hard time expressing those things about myself. I think because I was so reserved and didn’t understand myself that well it made it that much harder for other people to get a sense of who I really was. I do remember occasionally feeling a sense of separateness from other people when I was in high school that morphed into very intense feelings of inadequacy in college and grad school.

    I think even when I became more reflective in college and started journaling to help with that process, I still only had a very superficial understanding of my actual strengths and weaknesses. I had a tendency to idealize certain traits that I wanted to have rather than honestly looking at myself and my past history to see if those traits fit. I just remember all of these past issues coming to a head in grad school, combining with the stress I was already feeling from school, and my life just kind of imploding on itself. I was just so miserable and realized that if I didn’t change something and reach out for help that I was never going to feel satisfied. So I started seeing a psychologist, which helped with getting the stress and anxiety under control, and also ended up getting a job in a less stressful district (less micromanaging from admin and parents) which allowed me to breathe a little and gain a sense of competence. Competence really seems to be a key thing in my life; it lessens the tendency to idealize certain ways of being and leads to more honesty/confidence in self-analysis and interactions with others.
    Last edited by Tina&Jane; 04-09-2020 at 04:52 PM.

  9. #59
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    Oh it was great, over the years I’ve changed tremendously for the better, but that was all taken away in a single instant and my entire life was almost ruined because I was poisoned and it made me stupider—it virtually ruined my short term memory. I can still function, but this has happened to me a few times, that’s another thing, what’s with all these random freaking poisoners out there putting things in random people’s god damn drinks? Fuck.

    Right now I’m doing everything I can to repair it however I can if there’s a chance, but even being moderately impaired by this, I still have too much going for me and the Soviet Union-sequel country I live in wants to take away all drive and life inside of me, personality, intelligence and virtually everything until I’m an empty-headed weak and mouldable follower.

    I’ve had all these problems my entire life and it’s only until recently that I realized I’m entirely ill-adapted and unwelcome within the country I live in and have never really been welcome here so it feels pointless to really focus on the personal side of things and fake fantasy world nonessential.

  10. #60
    Inactive For A Bit RadicalDoubt's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bluebell View Post
    Yep. I've systematically ripped down everything I can find in my mind relating to how I view myself and rebuilt. The rebuilding is still going on and I'm not entirely sure where I'll end up.
    This is pretty much what I would've said in a much less succinct way. My personality definitely isn't static, if I looked at myself as a child, even a teen I wonder if I would even recognize the girl standing before me.

    “My deplorable mania for analysis exhausts me. I doubt everything, even my doubt.” Gustave Flaubert
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