Mentally and emotionally about to explode. Disorder? Type?

[phobosdiemos]

This is a blog entry I recently wrote...

"What I wish to know, and to achieve in my life is so great a mystery to me that it leads me to believe I'm worthless and/or completely mundane. This belief, that my actions are not valued, my lifestyle not humble, and my very existence to some a burden or some kind of debilitation.

These are thoughts that are quite recurring. I find myself sometimes doing odd things, or doing activities normal people would do - completely different from them. While I may find the desired result for these everyday activities, it takes me much effort to achieve them. A push, a guided hand, a direct command about what path I should take, constant CONSTANT thinking and analyzing of my situation; these things plague my daily activities.

I cannot begin to fathom my reasoning. I have always thought, since I was young, that something about me was different from the rest of my peers. The earliest memory of these thoughts could be as far back as Junior High School. This difference, I always, always, perceived in a negative manner. Always I searched, for that finite answer to my problems, and as to why I was or why I thought the way I did.

I still cannot explain it. Each day is one filled with anxiousness, despair, and a kind of craziness. I obsess over my thoughts and obsess over the need of them, feeling them so critical to my life that if I were to ignore what meaning I felt they had over my being I would not be myself.

Yet still I feel them to be a burden. These thoughts that I seemingly cannot control invade my private, personal, emotional, physical, and mental well being. They are constantly conflicting my life, constantly forcing me to evaluate my options and wonder what the point is in even trying. I skip plans with people, often feeling afraid of what situations I may arrive with. If I'm ever bold enough to get past this anxiousness, a new one brews during the event that causes me once more to obsess over myself.

You would call me selfish.
You would call me a loner.
You would call me crazy.

But I do not know what it is that causes this to me. I feel normal, as if these are things everyone goes through from time to time, that people always think obsessively in this manner. However, I find time and again through my introspection that I come to a realization that perhaps, there is something wrong with me.

I can feel something building in me. Something not short of a crisis, a nervous breakdown, whatever you may call it. I have not cried since late 2007, not once that I can remember, and yet I feel as if I'm about to explode with a river. I have been said to have dysthymia, a persistent depressive disorder, but yet I feel that that is not the truth of my situation. I have tried several medications for that, and none worked.

I have my good days, this is true. However, more often than not I'm down in those depths of despair and disassociation, that feeling that you are disconnected from everything else, that you and only you can feel how you are. Constantly I'm trying to balance the ethical matters that occur in my life, never allowing myself to give into my inhibitions and take risks. You could say this account for my loneliness, rarely RARELY able to actually converse someone I find even slightly interesting.

I'm finding it harder and harder to stand myself. I realize writing this that no one wants someone who writes notes such as this... that everyone who reads this will ask me to get over myself or say that there is nothing wrong, will tell me to stop whining, any number of things.

Perhaps understanding is something I want more than anything... understanding from people that maybe something isn't right with me. Do you not find it strange that still continue writing these kinds of things year after year? I have wrote depressing notes or journal entries since I was 14 and first discovered that I could write my thoughts online. These entries become even more emboldened and detailed in my paper-bound journals. Is it hard to believe that maybe I am fucked up?

Of course no one wants to believe that... I suppose part of me does, so that I can find some reason for my pessimism. I can't blame someone for not wondering these things I wonder about me, after-all my life is not theirs and I should not be such a burden to them. I do not ask this of anyone, these are simply my thoughts, and I have written them down often for so many years, to ask me to stop is like asking me to stop thinking.

My thoughts plague my existence, and the fear of losing control is constantly building. One would say I need help, but how to go about getting help that would not misdiagnose me as has been done before is a question I wish I did not need to ask.

I'm losing my friends because of this...
I'm losing my family because of this...
I'm losing myself because of this...

I just do not know what to do. I'm looking for help for things I cannot even understand. How can I even begin to explain to another person what's wrong with me if I myself cannot understand what is wrong.

And now I retreat once more into that extroverted silence, that is my introverted noise."


I'm not sure if I even have a question that doesn't end up becoming tons of questions. I suppose I'm looking for any relevence to anything described above to some kind of psychological problem. Depression seems to be what most people say, but I have tried countless Anti-depressants all of which have failed outright.

I'm doubt anyone will read all of that anyway..


If, for the fun of it, you want to type me by reading this blog go for it.

And I'm sure this is in the wrong forum :| but I couldn't think of anywhere else to post...

 

[Colors]

 

[Anentropic IxTx]

You're eloquent.

 

[GargoylesLegacy]

Wow, this entry is very deep. And I must honestly say that it is very interesting to read. I like the way you write.
Some of the things you say, look very familiar to me:

This belief, that my actions are not valued, my lifestyle not humble, and my very existence to some a burden or some kind of debilitation.

These are thoughts that are quite recurring. I find myself sometimes doing odd things, or doing activities normal people would do - completely different from them.

I cannot begin to fathom my reasoning. I have always thought, since I was young, that something about me was different from the rest of my peers.

You would call me selfish.
You would call me a loner.
You would call me crazy.

I can feel something building in me. Something not short of a crisis, a nervous breakdown, whatever you may call it. I have not cried since late 2007, not once that I can remember, and yet I feel as if I'm about to explode with a river.

I can't blame someone for not wondering these things I wonder about me, after-all my life is not theirs and I should not be such a burden to them.

I'm losing my friends because of this...
I'm losing my family because of this...
I'm losing myself because of this...

I just do not know what to do. I'm looking for help for things I cannot even understand. How can I even begin to explain to another person what's wrong with me if I myself cannot understand what is wrong.

And now I retreat once more into that extroverted silence, that is my introverted noise."

I'm not sure if I even have a question that doesn't end up becoming tons of questions.

All of the quoted.

I realize writing this that no one wants someone who writes notes such as this...

Wrong.

That everyone who reads this will ask me to get over myself or say that there is nothing wrong, will tell me to stop whining, any number of things.

Wrong again.

I'm doubt anyone will read all of that anyway..

And once more.

So, I don't know you much yet, but in case you'd like to talk to somebody, let me know. Oh and take one of these too

 

[SpottingTrains]

Have you tried talking to family members about this? I know it would be very hard and I am sure you have tried or at least thought about it. It seems to me that you have all these feelings built up and are expressing them in your journal/diary/blog but personally I don't think that will ever be the same as discussing them face to face with another human being.

It's hard to exactly figure out from your post exactly what could be plaguing you. The best I can tell is that you let your pessimism run your life causing disharmony in your current relationships and pushing away new ones.

Are you going to school? Do you have a job? Do you enjoy what you are doing? From personal experience I can tell you that if you don't enjoy what you are doing in your life then it is much harder to remain optimistic about even the most simplistic of things.

I'm not one to believe in pills but I am biased in the fact that they have never been recommended to me. I would try and see the things in your life that are out of sync with what you truly desire and work on shifting them so that you can begin recovering.

 

[phobosdiemos]

Have you tried talking to family members about this? I know it would be very hard and I am sure you have tried or at least thought about it. It seems to me that you have all these feelings built up and are expressing them in your journal/diary/blog but personally I don't think that will ever be the same as discussing them face to face with another human being.

It's hard to exactly figure out from your post exactly what could be plaguing you. The best I can tell is that you let your pessimism run your life causing disharmony in your current relationships and pushing away new ones.

Are you going to school? Do you have a job? Do you enjoy what you are doing? From personal experience I can tell you that if you don't enjoy what you are doing in your life then it is much harder to remain optimistic about even the most simplistic of things.

I'm not one to believe in pills but I am biased in the fact that they have never been recommended to me. I would try and see the things in your life that are out of sync with what you truly desire and work on shifting them so that you can begin recovering.

I am going to school. It's really the only thing that seems to excite me anymore, although I'm not sure if it's because someone I've liked for a long while but haven't seen in a few years goes there, or if I just love to learn, or both. Either way, this person I've set my eyes on seems far too preoccupied with her job at the animal shelter and schoolwork.

I'm taking Biology and Speech currently, with Math and English soon. I had put school off for a long time after getting through that dreary world that was High School. I love my Biology class.

My work is very uneventful, though I meet many interesting people (I work at a Motel, some nights third shift) it offers me a lot of time to study, so I'm never truly bored there. The pay however is far from substantial, which is understandable I suppose when looking at how our Economic situation is.

I try to remember a time when I didn't worry so much about my problems, or think so arguably within myself, but I just can't seem to figure anything out. A future life I would want would be one where I can apply my what I know and what's inside my mind too all around me, intellect wise.

I thank everyone for the hugs, they are very appreciated. And I realize that what I said in a few paragraphs seemed very wrong or completely untrue, but know that it is merely a thought, or feeling, that I had at the time of writing that blog entry.

I'm wondering though if seeing another therapist would be a good idea? That last two have done nothing short of write me a prescription. Talking to my family is slightly out of the question, they have helped me enough as is what with giving me a car and buying me new tires when it needed it. I'd feel like maybe I was burdening them if I brought my depressive attitudes upon them once more, as it would not be the first time...

Thanks for reading.

 

[SpottingTrains]

It seems to me that you aren't really enjoying your day to day activities enough which is putting a damper on everything else that you do. I'm not living your life so I'm not going to infer on how exactly you can change it but I recommend just step back and look at what you are doing. Is this going to make me happy?

I know some people who are very long term goal oriented, they are never happy if what they are doing in the present is not leading them to so ideal place they wish to end up.

Lastly, about your parents buying you car, which was very nice of them, I don't think that is the outcome you want to attain They should be there for support about whatever you are going through with no material attachments involved. If that isn't an option I would suggest looking into a different therapist if you think that would help but I would really stress to look at what you can do for yourself before turning to outside help.

 

[Athenian200]

I understand this all too well...

I hope it gets better for you. I've written notes similar to that, but worse and with more paranoia and denial in them.

 

[BlueScreen]

Sorry to hear about your situation. You don't really seem crazy at all to me. And not that depressed either. You articulate too much for depression, and most of what you wrote was interesting as well as insightful.

Your enneagram seems to be type 4. I have no idea what mbti type, still for some reason INTJ came to mind.

As a type four the need for self understanding exists. This needs to be fulfilled by looking at yourself honestly. So the searching is healthy. When you don't search enough or start avoiding facts and not being honest with yourself, a fear of being defective creeps in. This defective fear is fixed by creating ideas that counter you being defective. But when you counter the being defective with ideas that are not completely honest you then understand yourself less and feel more defective. The defective feeling perpetuates. Each time you be completely honest with yourself though and get past those barriers, and admit the flaws, you get a burst of strength again and move back into the healthy state of knowing yourself.

Type 4s at their best are very good with people, and understand others and themselves extremely well. But they can go off track easily. And commonly have problems with relationships. These aren't fatal problems though, just they start with a too idealistic view of how things work. Though at the same time a very real view of the world. Hence the idealism that causes the problems is normally not that obvious. Fours seem to be late to finding the perfect relationship, but normally find a real love rather than a convenient one. And the type is called the romantic, so they can't be totally useless at relationships .

If you have a type 5 wing too, you'll get the detachment cycle. Type 5s have a drive to understand the world around them. When they explore it, they feel healthy. When they get caught in not wanting to explore it, they detach and get introverted. They feel far more safe alone away from the pressure of things. This is fixed by exploring and understanding their situation and the world around them. Which is often difficult if you are driven to detach. Still when you do it, the detachment goes and you feel healthy again.

In some ways my enneagram cycles describe what happens in my life more than my MBTi type.


Type 4

Type 5

Type 3 (incase you have a 3 wing)

 

[INTJMom]

You might be an INTJ, like me.
I used to have those kinds of thoughts when I was a teen.

 

[ygolo]

phobosdiemos, what you wrote in your blog is something I relate to quite well. I've had similar thoughts to yours since I was about middle school too.

I wish, I could tell you that the thoughts go away, but I am nearing thirty, and they're still there.

I describe it as an existential loneliness--a feeling of being completely isolated no matter how many people are around.

I have friends, all of whom I am fond of, and who are fond of me. But somehow, the deeper connection isn't there...I feel alienated somehow, even from them.

Of course, lets not mention the trouble with women...always want to be friends, but no one thinks of you "that way." But as mentioned before, even as friends, the connection seems superficial.

How much do you talk? If you are like me, probably not much. I don't know why. I just don't have much to say usually...at least not in THAT context.

I hope you do find a solution (and tell the rest of us hapless people about it).

I'm wondering though if seeing another therapist would be a good idea? That last two have done nothing short of write me a prescription. Talking to my family is slightly out of the question, they have helped me enough as is what with giving me a car and buying me new tires when it needed it. I'd feel like maybe I was burdening them if I brought my depressive attitudes upon them once more, as it would not be the first time...

It is a good idea to get a second opinion if your gut tells you to do so. Keep in mind that a therapist and a psychiatrist are different. The therapist tries to help you behaviorally, while the psychiatrist tries to help medically.

Dysthimia, Major Depression, Bipolar disorder, etc. are medical diagnoses. They are best made by psychiatrists.

My first therapist diagnosed me with dysthimia, and my primary care physician prescribed the medicine...this was ultimately useless.

Later, a psychiatrist, who saw me for 15-minute sessions diagnosed me with Major Depression, while I kept seeing my therapist (though the two never talked to each other). The medicine prescribed by that psychiatrist, was next to useless.

I recently enrolled in an Intensive Outpatient Program at a psychiatric hospital, and I found their care to be the most useful--Three hours of group therapy a day with two therapists, and a nurse (who is also a qualified therapist), and (bi)weekly (10-15 minute) sessions with a psychiatrist (who met near daily with the rest of the staff). They changed the medication several times, and were monitoring to try to get me stable.

I was in that program for three and a half months. They weren't completely able to find the right mix of medication before my insurance coverage for it ran out, but I found the therapy quite useful and informative. They even teach you how to monitor yourself, and what exactly to tell your doctors, and what to know about and ask of your doctors regarding medication.

In this program, I realized the importance of having the therapist and psychiatrist in communication with each other.

I now have a therapist and a psychiatrist who work out of the same office. The psychiatrist had 3 45-minute sessions, as well as 3 30-minute sessions, while talking with my therapist (who had several 45-minute) sessions before finishing the in-take (the other places had a short 15 to 30 minute session before diagnosis). My current psychiatrist, believes I am likely Bipolar II, and we're still working the diagnosis, and medication on a regular basis.

 

[phobosdiemos]

I describe it as an existential loneliness--a feeling of being completely isolated no matter how many people are around.

I have friends, all of whom I am fond of, and who are fond of me. But somehow, the deeper connection isn't there...I feel alienated somehow, even from them.

Of course, lets not mention the trouble with women...always want to be friends, but no one thinks of you "that way." But as mentioned before, even as friends, the connection seems superficial.

This is almost exactly the feeling.

My first therapist diagnosed me with dysthimia, and my primary care physician prescribed the medicine...this was ultimately useless.

This exact situation occurred with me. It was funny however, because my therapist was actually quite nice. She once said "Where did you come from? You're so unique!" to me, which made me feel all but undesirable. They proscribed me Prozac at first, which was utterly useless, then Effexor XR which made me feel even more out of touch with reality (bad vertigo also).

To Noigmn, after reading a bit about 4w5 you may be right in assuming that that's my enneagram. Although most tests have told me I was a 6w5, I feel like fear isn't exactly something that drives me more than raw passion.

I've tested IxTx countless times, often switching between N/S and J/P. My most recent has been INTJ, though I've tested more often with ISTJ.


I suppose what bothers me most though about my predicament is that I don't know what is causing it. It could be my roommates, it could be my lack of finances (3 days a week, minimum wage + car insurance, rent, utilities = no money for myself.), or a something more involving. Anytime I sit down to think about what might be causing my strife, I just get depressed and solve nothing.

Thank you all for listening though, really, it seems like I can better get my thoughts out through blogs or forums than I ever could in real life.

 

[hopeseed]

I agree, you are a talented writer. I'm not fully qualified to diagnose and so will not attempt to. I believe that most things that our society considers to be disordered are actually gifts, but misunderstood ones. A better way to put it would be, along with gifts come challenges. I struggled with OCD as a child. It's considered an anxiety disorder. Look up some things about obsessive compulsive disorder. My guess is you will find some of your experiences there. The important thing is that you do not believe you are sick, you are not sick, it just feels that way and society tells you that. But you can learn to reorder some of your thoughts and use what seems like a weakness as strength. I would suggest you find a good therapist and try to stay away from too much medication. But this is just my opinion and I am not a psychologist. Good luck to you.

 

[Anja]

Most likely what is causing your discomfort is your brain chemistry, phobos. You are not alone in having these feelings of existential despair and disconnection. I believe it is common in the human condition.

Have you seen a licensed Psychiatrist? This would be the person who could best determined what medication would be beneficial to you.

It sounds very much like depression to me. And while lowered energy level is connected to some types of depression there are other types with a restless anxiety component.

Depression is a malevolent disorder, currently pervasive in our society. And treatable. But it takes a great deal of patience. Even the best practitioner is going to use a trial and error method to determine what medication may provide clarity and comfort for you. And because of the nature of psychoactive medications it will sometimes be a long and trying process.

Ygolo provides some excellent suggestions. Courage and strength to you.

 

[BlueScreen]

To Noigmn, after reading a bit about 4w5 you may be right in assuming that that's my enneagram. Although most tests have told me I was a 6w5, I feel like fear isn't exactly something that drives me more than raw passion.

This still sounds type four, as does the friend zone thing with relationships. The most classic feature of type 4 is comfort with emotions. People yell in arguments and you don't cower or get angry, people cry and you think I should do something but aren't really hurt by it, there is empathy but emotional comfort and you go soul searching far deeper than anyone ever wants to hear about. Fours also have the idealism in terms of closeness. There's a connection that you want that seems almost impossible to reach. Fear doesn't really mean running scared. You showed a fear of being defective in all you wrote. It seemed to be the reason you are on here. You are worried something isn't right about you. It might be a realistic fear. But as a teenager and maybe a type four, it all sounds pretty normal and healthy. You may just be around the wrong people or types to ever feel satisfied being it, or ever explore it to the level you need to. It is not bad to long for something more, actually quite healthy. They normally diagnose disorders when you avoid everything, lie to yourself and about yourself, and have no longing for these things. The fact you are looking for a connection, you aren't blaming others, you think clearly and write articulately, instantly says you are more sane than a lot of the population. And your negative thoughts are still moving in the direction of learning and positive goals. So they are probably better described as facts of reality that lots of people choose to ignore. To search them and understand them doesn't destroy you at all, it does the opposite. There will be people who were confident all their life in school who will hit their early 20s and 30s and still be that simplistic. You get one life, why not understand it completely and make the most of it. Repeating the same things to have fun for 80 years then dying always seemed like missing out and never embracing what it can be. If you want to be fixed so you can be happy and walk the straight line like everyone else, and fit in, don't do it, because not walking that line is far more fulfilling than walking it will ever be. Your thing you need is to be comfortable doing it, and being who you are, individual and different. It can seem hard, but acceptance doesn't come from similarity, trying to be the same as everyone can get annoying even because it undermines their individuality. Standing out a bit more by being the things you are would help the friend zone thing too. If people see something to love about you, they can love it. I always wanted them to love me for less superficial reasons, but these things aren't really superficial. They are what you are, so putting them out there, and being loved for them is good. Don't ever base your sanity on the view of teenage girls either, you show a lot of maturity which many of them won't have.

Here's CCs type 4 thread. They are almost the most level emotioned of all types. But at the same time passionate and chaotic. That raw passion is something to embrace. (there is a decent NF presence in the thread that might drive a thinking type a bit insane though , you probably won't be the same as an ENFP type 4 in terms of psychology or silliness, but might have some of the same issues)

Also if you want understanding try to find a psychologist who is interested in discussing a lot of stuff and is very open. I'm seeing one at the moment and he pretty much tells me what they learn and gives me text books to read. Learning about yourself and what causes these problems can be very rewarding.

 

[LostInNerSpace]

I have wrote depressing notes or journal entries since I was 14 and first discovered that I could write my thoughts online.

Try writing positive uplifting journal entries. Avoid all negativity. Write only about the positive things in your life. Write about how much better things are getting. Write about what you think would make you happy. Write about what you have to do to get there, what steps you have taken and how much progress you have made. You need a clear picture in your mind of whatever goal you think you can achieve that will make you happier. One possibility might be to force yourself to interact with people.

It's likely these depressing journal entries have contributed to your current state of mind. Writing can have a powerful effect on the psyche.

 

[Just another ISTJ]

I've been in a similar state of mind in the past and I'd have to agree with LostInNerSpace's suggestion of positivity. Don't dwell on the negatives of life, because it's quite frankly, self destructive. Don't bother with negative assumptions if you don't really know how people perceive your contributions to their lives. Hell, just ask those you consider closest to you if you really need some affirmation.

 

[BlueScreen]

I agree, be positive. Trying to justify the worst achieves nothing. And affirmation is a big help.

One thing I noticed is that people are generous and helpful but it isn't enough. Knowing your parents types as well as yours might be useful. Because the affirmation might be there but come in the wrong form to hit home. I have an INFJ and INTP as parents, and for them to make a direct impact on an ENFP at the core level is sometimes difficult. But understanding how they work means I receive the affirmation anyway because I see what they intended. And INTP actually does work really well for an ENFP, but they are sometimes too introverted to speak their mind in the world of feelings.